Dear Diary,

I fear for my future as a gay man.

I remember when I talked about the future in future tense, a stage in my life that seemed so out of reach, a mirage that will never materialize.

However, slowly, that future is becoming a reality, a reality filled with so many questions.

Will I ever come out?

How will I come out?

When is the right time?

Will I marry a guy?

Will I find a guy I truly love?

These days, I don’t even care if someone suspects my alternative lifestyle or sees my opinion on LGBT as confirmation of my sexuality.

I just don’t care anymore!

I have even nursed the thought of not begging anybody who uses outing me to my family as threat or tool of blackmail, because these days, I really do not care!

Now that I think about it, what could my folks possibly do? Send me out of the house? I would even love that, I have been craving independence. I have a job that can get me settled for a life of independence for a while or I could take a loan or better still work two jobs, simply because i do not care!

I told a friend of mine this when he cautioned me about how I am becoming quite vocal on LGBT issues on my social media platforms. He said, “Guy, no let oyibo life catch you oh! Why you dey follow all those gay guys dey like gay pics and talk about gay things on your wall? Fear no dey catch you?”

My reply, due to lack of any other to say, was “LOL”. I am in the Fucking U. S. of A! Still being in the closet just seems unnecessary. Even Tim now uses his face pic on gay apps. He says he is too old for that game of hiding and I am considering doing the same too.

I really have this feeling that my folks know but hope that I remain in the closet. My mum for example; anytime Hillary Clinton comes on TV, she says, “I really like her but she is in support of all the abominations, like gay marriage.”

Gay marriage is the only thing on the list of abominations she mentions anytime Hillary Clinton comes on TV. This is the same with Anderson Cooper. I feel it is their way of saying to my hearing, “We know you are gay, but please remain in the closet. Do not bring shame to us.”

I am even subtly supporting gay rights in my house, saying America supports the rights of everyone, so if you have the right to be a Christian, everybody should equally have the right to be who they want, as long as they don’t hurt anybody.

I also wonder if I will be like Mr. L.

Mr. L is a Nigerian man who hit me up on Grindr and kept begging for us to meet. I told him I wasn’t into married men but he insisted we just meet, at least to become friends as he had no gay Nigerian friends. I agreed and we met.

He started to tell me about how cranky and irritated he gets when he doesn’t hook up with a guy. I honestly could feel his pain. He said, “I will just feel so cranky and angry for no reason.”

I inquired about sex with his wife and he replied, “It is not the same. I love my wife. She is a good woman. We have three amazing kids but I still like guys.”

I fear this will be my future: one where I would be begging a young guy for sex because I crave the touch of another guy. One where I would have two phone numbers and download gay apps only to delete and re-download again. One where I know I am cheating, hurting the woman I love but can’t change who I am. I FUCKING LOVE MEN!

Being who I am, I wouldn’t want to hurt my wife by cheating on her because I know how that hurts. It is not a good feeling and I can imagine the heartbreak when she realizes that I wasn’t even cheating on her with a woman.

I don’t even know what I want! Am I ready to risk it all for a guy I love by coming out to my family? Is there a guy out there worthy enough for me to take that giant leap and risk it all? Do I have all the fun now and move on to a new uncomfortable journey of heterosexuality?

The clock is ticking and my future is slowly becoming a present I am not prepared for.

Written by Duke

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