Dear Diary,

The online gay scene is an emotional rollercoaster. I don’t know if this is due to my temperament, my physical appearance, personality or even my Zodiac sign (Sometimes the horoscope seems correct). I am a very emotional person. Things that other people do and let go of so easily stays in my heart and mind, and even though I try to brush it off, I am constantly reminded in some way and get thrown into some state of either regret, depression or attempting to make things right.

This hasn’t helped me in the gay scene at all. The people I believe I had great chemistry with end up not feeling the same way and the rejection, no matter how nicely rendered, hurts deeply. Some are subtle with their “No”. They just always say “I am busy”, “I will call you when I am free” etc. Some are outright with it; they either simply do not reply you or they tell you outright “I am not interested”. Yeah, we all like honesty; it saves us a great deal of time, but being a young person who is very emotional and loves something long term, it kills me inside.

But then again, I tell myself it is life and ironically, gay apps are becoming quite the tool in teaching me some hardcore life lessons.

Also, there are times when I don’t feel the same way about a person but unfortunately they are deeply attracted to me. This one is really tricky for me due to the fact of my make-up; I know the feeling that comes from being rejected and try to indulge them. Some text you, call you (which is a big deal especially here in the US) and try to make it work, but deep down, I know I don’t feel the same way. So I engage in what I call “pity indulgence”, indulging them and sometimes engaging in “pity sex” just to make them happy.

Then I have situations when we equally have the same level of attraction to each other. At this point, I only stay online to see who is out there or simply because I am bored. I feel I have found someone worthwhile and I ignore every other person that hits me up. But sadly, reality hits and I see this person I am pushing others aside for online.

“Maybe he is just online like me, seeing who is out there,” I say to myself.

So I create a catfish account and hit him up. He falls easily and invites the catfish me over. I am heartbroken and hate myself for taking him seriously.

“What did you expect, Duke? It is fucking Grindr! Everyone just wants to get laid!” I say, trying to console myself, but as a guy who still remembers every guy he has hooked up with, right up to their names, it is sometimes difficult to let go.

Someone said it is because I am still relatively young to the gay scene, that is why I don’t have a hold of my emotions. I really want to believe so. I earnestly look forward to the day when I can take a “No” as a champ. When I can be in control of my emotions, just fuck and move on like nothing happened.

Till that day, I will continue to see what is out there and hope that someone is just as crazy about me as I am of them.

Written by Duke

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