THE DIARY OF A NIGERIAN FUCKBOY

THE DIARY OF A NIGERIAN FUCKBOY

WRITER’S NOTE: The names in this series are changed for discretion.

Dear Diary,

I had just arrived America.

Yes, that same ol’ fucking America that was the major prayer point at every prayer meeting, devotion and vigil I attended. Apparently, some “forces of darkness” didn’t want me to arrive safely this last time, and my mum, who was already in the States, went on full prayer mode, instructing me not to inform anybody about my exit. I had always gone back and forth in and out of the States towards the later part of my final year in a Federal Nigerian university, and this trip was to be my final exit, hence my mum’s fear.

As I stood there in the airport, I wondered. So, this was the America that had people crying and wailing at the embassy when their visa application got rejected. Some even resorted to begging, kneeling down and pleading their case to the officials. One memorable occasion was of a woman saying she was going to meet her fiancé only to be informed by the lady behind the glass that her “dear fiancé” was on record on their system as “Married”. The woman went berserk! Wailing and screaming till security was called in. This was the America she earnestly wanted to enter and I was standing in JFK Airport, New York, with my luggage that had less clothes and more Nigerian spices and leaves, as requested by my mother.

After – surprisingly – going through security without having my bags checked or any of my Nigerian ogiri okpe  trashed (Mum’s prayers was really working; according to my uncle, he had never had anyone come in with such putrid foodstuff), I decided to make my first call on American soil with my last Nigerian airtime.

“Hello,” I said to the person on the other side. There was a lot of noise and commotion in the background, a clear indication of the difference in locations we shared.

“How far, Duke?” answered my friend Miguel.

“I dey oh. I just land for New York.”

“Eh! When?!” he exclaimed, genuinely surprised.

“Just now,” I said feeling, feeling some guilt that I hadn’t told him I was leaving, due to my mum’s instruction.

“Nawa oh! You no dey tell person when you dey comot.”

“It happened too fast and I was busy running last minute errands.” That was partly true.

“I hope say you dey wear bum short now oh. No tell me say nah trouser you wear so, because you suppose dey sell market from that airport with that your big nyash,” he jested.

I laughed so hard, mostly because we had suddenly moved on past the topic of me not informing him to one that was quite lighter and less guilt-tripping.

We said our goodbyes eventually and I inhaled the cold air that was a mix of coffee, cigarettes and the fast paced life of what was going to be my true American experience.

Fast forward months and months later, Dear Diary, and I was finally settling down. I was halfway through school, gotten my driver’s license, finally getting to know the right buses and trains to use to get home, their routes and their schedules. Finally being quite an American, drinking coffee while wrapped in wads of clothes and jackets under unbelievable cold temperatures. I signed up for a fitness center and I downloaded Grindr.

And a new world broke open.

Eric Stonestreet on Modern Family called the gym “a bar with dumbbells”. This wasn’t exactly true about my gym as there was no gay action going on as I would have expected. No one bursting into the shower to French kiss me like the porn movies, no sultry winks, no slaps on the butt… Nothing! I was almost going on two years with no action because prior to my exit from Nigeria, my mum’s premonitions got me all paranoid and I didn’t hook up with anyone. Now I’d moved to the US, and I was too out of place…or so I thought.

I was still playing around with the Grindr app and still being in the closet. My profile picture was a bunch of bananas (I swear this wasn’t done on purpose; I needed a profile pic and I took a picture of a bunch of bananas in front of me). For some reason, this got some folks interested. I started getting messages like “Imma eat your dick like a banana” and “Come put your bananas in my ass”. I proceeded to engage some. I ignored many. But I made no plans to meet anybody.

However, one person never stopped hitting me up. His messages came in endlessly and I finally engaged him. When we exchanged pictures, he said, “I have seen you before. We go to the same gym, and you are the guy with a fat ass.”

Instantly, I felt defensive. I looked at his pictures and I couldn’t recognize him. He carried on with how he has a huge crush on me and how he had seen me go into the steam room with my briefs and my fat ass. I was bothered by his revelations, bothered and also interested. There was also something about the way he chatted with me that felt familiar and I couldn’t place my finger on it, even though I felt it.

He wanted us to meet but I kept procrastinating. I was really nonchalant about meeting anybody, especially with combining school, projects and assignments, a job at a restaurant, gym, obligations to mum and church, it was difficult for me to create time to meet anyone. However, after endless pleas from him, we set a date and time. And I was standing on the porch of his house one rainy Friday afternoon.

He opened the door and immediately I knew why his chat felt so familiar. He is Nigerian and his name Isaiah.

We got into what was his room. It was cozy, small and had the feel of a room of one of those students that stay off-campus for the simple reason of having fun. There was a pack of cigarettes and a bottle of strong drink in clear view, and I cussed silently at myself.

Just great! My first hook-up in the US is with a fucking Benin guy! Really! What happened to all the black Americans and Latinos? Fucking Nigerian!

I almost denied I was Nigerian when he asked, but that felt stupid. And after I identified my nationality, he hailed, “My Brother!” and proceeded to hug me. This for some reason pissed me off greatly but I gave him a tight smile. Apparently he’d thought I was Caribbean or Jamaican, and I found myself wishing I’d lied that I was one of those.

He took off his shirt to reveal tattoos around his chest and upper arm and some weird tribal markings around his belly which sent me into superstitious mode.

Fuck! I swore silently. He was offered to idols as a kid or some shit. He’ll probably transfer some evil spirit to me when we fuck.

I almost left the room but my horniness wouldn’t let me. I needed this konji out of me and when he proceeded to kiss me, nothing else mattered.

We kissed like our lives depended on it, taking each other in passionately. It was intense as hell. He groped my ass tightly and squeezed and groaned. Our hands started pulling each other’s clothes off and he broke the kiss and knelt down to suck my cock. We proceeded to the bed in a 69 position and sucked each other hungrily. It was wet, sloppy, and deeply passionate. I loved the way he groaned passionately and deeply against my dick. I went in on his dick and he went deep on mine, returning each lustful slurp with a more intense suction. This pleasured me deeply and the pace of our oral action kept intensifying by the second. I could feel his dick throb harder in my mouth, but I was too far involved to stop myself. It was so passionate that his cum shot out deep into my throat. I couldn’t stop myself from swallowing. For some reason, this turned him on (a reason I would later learn in this my new journey of sexual experiences), and he in turn blew me harder till I had the most convulsing, head-spinning ejaculation I had ever had! It was so intense, I held on to him for life and support.

As I lay face up, slowly recovering from what was a shattering session and with my head banging lightly with dancing colors before my eyes, I continued holding on to a now limp dick. I felt him turn over to his side and pulled me close. He kissed me and said “Wow” and moved his hands to towards my ass and jiggled the cheeks, saying, “This your big nyash sef.”

I burst out laughing and he joined in, saying as he laughed, “It is true now.” I shrugged and looked down at my body that was now a mix of sweat and cum (I’d pulled out my dick so he couldn’t swallow, yeah I was that paranoid). He got the message and went over to get some moist wipes. He proceeded to try to wipe me clean but my paranoia set in again and I collected the wipes, preferring to do it myself. I muttered, “Thank you.” He nodded and kissed me again, before proceeding to wipe himself.

I called the cab company to send in a driver and they said the cab would be at my location in five minutes. After getting dressed and going to the porch to wait for the cab, he pulled me close, right in full view outside, and attempted to kiss me. I tried to pull away but his lips brushed mine lightly, and he laughed, understanding then that I wasn’t used into PDA.

“I really like you,” he said smiling. “Let’s do this again.”

I responded with a smile. Just then, my phone buzzed with a call. My ride was here. I dashed out under the rain that had started to fall and into the backseat of the taxi. Then I told the driver my location.

As he started to drive, I pulled out my phone to text Isaiah.

Have a nice night. Thank you, I wrote.

The driver’s phone buzzed and he turned in his seat to say to me in his Spanish accent, “Er…did you just send me a message?”

I looked back at my phone with a little embarrassed smile and apologized. I had texted the last caller in my contact by mistake, which was the driver. He laughed and said, “No problem.”

I laid back and closed my eyes as the cab moved in the pouring rain, half grateful that I didn’t write, “Thank you, let’s fuck again soon. I like that dick of yours in my mouth.”

Body count: 1

Written by Duke

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60 Comments

  1. Mandy
    May 25, 04:59 Reply

    Hehee. What have u against tattooed, tribal-marked, Benin-originated Nigerian as your first hookup, eh? Your paranoia is real o. *sliding a look at Francis*
    Nice first entry, Duke. Body count 1, huh? Looks like we’re poised for a gradual increment. 😀

    • Francis
      May 25, 05:44 Reply

      You see, we plenty for here. Make una do shift focus from moi????

      • Kenny
        May 25, 05:59 Reply

        If there was an association of paranoid KDians, you my friend will be the chairman. So No! We will not shift focus. *? ? ? ? ? ? ?

  2. Francis
    May 25, 05:42 Reply

    ????????????

    Superstitions on fleek. Chai.

    Beautiful first entry.

  3. Kenny
    May 25, 06:10 Reply

    LMAO. This was funny and interesting. I’ll admit that there’s something creepy about finding out someone has been watching you for a while without your knowledge. Your paranoia is excused.

    OAN: Did you see him again? Cos I remember a post on KD a long time ago where you talked about someone’s body markings…. I’m assuming it’s him

    • Francis
      May 25, 06:23 Reply

      I don’t see anything creepy there. You really can’t say you don’t have peeps that you’ve been “monitoring” well well. Lol

      • Kenny
        May 25, 06:34 Reply

        Maybe creepy is not the word but you get a message from someone you don’t know at all and he tells you I know you, you go to this gym, you have a fat ass, I saw u that day in the steam room and so on…… Tell me you won’t raise an eyebrow @ that

        • ambivalentone
          May 25, 09:26 Reply

          It is creepy. Like u got a bodyguard u didn’t know u had. Scary shit, especially if he starts listing ur color combinations from 2 wks ago. If u don’t get a racing heart and a raging headache trying to remember all the ppl from then, I don’t know what else can creep u out o

    • Francis
      May 25, 06:39 Reply

      “Lord I hope he’s “hot”” would be going through my mind. For real.

      • Pink Panther
        May 25, 07:49 Reply

        Exactly o! Like seriously, that’s not even gonna creep me out.

    • Duke
      May 25, 13:51 Reply

      Someone has quite a memory 😀

  4. DI-NAVY
    May 25, 06:42 Reply

    Is this a sequel of “Kiss and Tell”???? Lol. Dear Duke, I think I might know thou! Lol…
    Nice story with a touch of wit!!!!! Waiting on episode 2!!!

  5. Too clean
    May 25, 07:25 Reply

    Hahaha hahaha hahaha,I know that this entry will not begin without making reference to me…

    Yes,I remembered that day when you called me to tell me you have arrived and I was mad with you lol…but the love of afia couldn’t let the anger go on for long..

    Nice one my best friend….

    Btw,you didn’t tell me you finally did *Jie m ka m jide gi* with the Benin guy ooo abi you did and I can’t remember now?

    Good one!

    I will inform the other wizard to come read your pilot entry….

    Have I told you you write so well?

    Sure I have countless times!

    • Duke
      May 25, 10:53 Reply

      Oga I know say you go appear here. Lmao.

      • Too clean
        May 25, 11:32 Reply

        Just negodu..
        lol

        if I don’t appear here,who would?

  6. •*•sugarrrr*•*
    May 25, 07:41 Reply

    Hahahahahaha oh my gosh! I love this story… It’s killin’ me softly…
    Especially, the word phat Ass… ???

  7. philips
    May 25, 08:16 Reply

    Dear lawd.
    Lol….I feel you shaaaa, a Latino would have been a wonderful starter

    • ambivalentone
      May 25, 08:54 Reply

      the only thing nice about Spaniards or Latinos is the ‘Que rosa’ speech n stuff. It is sexy. Uncut dicks, not so sexy

      • Francis
        May 25, 08:59 Reply

        My dear you will adjust unless it’s one of those really wierd as fuck uncut dicks. They are not so bad….at least in my experience

      • Keredim
        May 25, 09:32 Reply

        “Desperate times, desperate measures” eh @Francis????

        I don’t like uncut dicks either

        • Francis
          May 25, 11:06 Reply

          Look at this one. Me desperate to have sex?! Odiegwu. When I’m not handicapped. Konji doesn’t control me biko.

        • Francis
          May 25, 11:14 Reply

          FYI the dick was uncut and beautiful erect and deflated????

  8. Zeddicus
    May 25, 09:12 Reply

    Am gonna come out and say it… “You are the best writer here”(My opinion though). put that ass on a chair and write a novel, you will be surprised at what you will come out with.

    For me, I think Nigerian guys are still the best… There is this familiarity in the taste of their dicks that makes me wanna suck it again and again… Lol…. Keep it up dude!???

    • Francis
      May 25, 18:08 Reply

      Nigerian dicks get distinct taste. Hmmmm, i need to work towards sampling the next ones i stumble upon to verify this claim.

  9. Keredim
    May 25, 09:40 Reply

    This is brilliant… Keep it cumming.??

    Please could you (or anyone else) clarify something for me?

    The guy came in your mouth and you swallowed. But you wouldn’t cum in his mouth or let him wipe YOUR cum of you.

    What is the hang up or paranoia there??

    • Too clean
      May 25, 09:57 Reply

      Lol,do you want the guy to have *duke*’s generation inside of him??

      Nope!

      Too much of tribal marks already,isn’t it?

      • Keredim
        May 25, 10:04 Reply

        Thanks for clearing that up (i think)

        Thought only straight people worried about that…..Unless he is worried about “juju”.

        Anyway, its early days yet… Hopefully by body count 3 those Naija thoughts would have left him.?

    • Too clean
      May 25, 17:37 Reply

      Yes…i am happy…now we are complete…the wizard team here..

      lol

      • Stranger
        May 25, 23:59 Reply

        Wizard team? You’re sure you’re an adult?

  10. Ivory Child
    May 25, 10:00 Reply

    I believe it had to do with the fact the he might use his cum for some diabolical stuff ?

    • Keredim
      May 25, 10:23 Reply

      Like “cloning” him and fucking the clone’s “big nyash” at will???

      • Duke
        May 25, 10:56 Reply

        Lmaooo… That crossed my mind… It totally did @kere.

  11. posh6666
    May 25, 10:45 Reply

    Nice entry its really creepy indeed when som1 has been observing you for a while and never says hi yet knows your routines.

    Thats how one guy who was my senior back in Uni came across me on facebook,we got chatting,mind you all through school we only passed eachother but never spoke…Though I observed he was always staring at me back then.This guy now finally confessed to me that he had always liked me and really wanted me but was too scared to approach me.

    I was like haba for like 4good yrs you couldnt summon up the courage to come talk to me?This guy even said he traced me to my room and usually passes there just to see me and he’s happy….Super creepy!

    • Duke
      May 25, 13:38 Reply

      Wait didn’t everyone do this to their Uni crush; surveillance and monitoring to catch the right moment he is taking off his clothes? didn’t everyone do this or am i weird?

      • ambivalentone
        May 25, 14:45 Reply

        Nma, I took my own further o. I let one know I was watching him in an anonymous note I had slipped under his door. After, any small thing, he was in shirt to do in laundry, even in the hottest of weathers. I think he suspected it was me tho

  12. Peak
    May 25, 11:04 Reply

    Ok, that Tribal mark & evil spirit part got me laughing real good. I have forgotten that u were the King of paranoia on the blog before Saint Francis came along. I remember you asking roughly 2 years ago what tribal marks mean and how there was this guy u fancy, but shit scared of doing anything serious cos ur fears and concerns about voodoo-juju markings.

    Keep it coming.

  13. Francis
    May 25, 11:19 Reply

    Na wa oh. Peeps are really creeped out by monitoring spirits. ??

    Someone checking me out from afar for weeks or months takes away the mystery of whether he fancies me or not. Wetin remain na do i fancy you too then the hook-up or relationship can start. ??

  14. Kamal
    May 25, 11:55 Reply

    You reminded me a lil’ too much about Adichie’s Americanah.
    ” I hope say You dey wear bum short now… because You suppose dey sell market from that airport… ” How hilarious and original too. lol
    And u say u can’t write? Why are we being so modest these days?

  15. bruno
    May 25, 12:48 Reply

    you didn’t come in someone’s mouth because superstition…

    you didn’t tell your closest friend you were traveling because superstition…

    man you need to break free from that mental prison.

    • Francis
      May 25, 12:53 Reply

      you didn’t tell your closest friend you were traveling because superstition…

      That one is common sense because of peeps that can like to send heavy “message” *add risk of carrying drugs unknowingly*

      Then you have bad belle pipul posing as friends. Make ndi oshi no knock for your door the day before departure or on arrival day.

      • Max 10
        May 25, 13:13 Reply

        You really are paranoid. Tueh!!.

        Your “BEST” friend intentionally putting drugs in ur luggage??

        If you cannot trust someone you call your best friend, then you should remove that “BEST” while mentioning him.

        • Francis
          May 25, 13:16 Reply

          Ooops! I didn’t see the “closest”. My bad ??

  16. KingBey
    May 25, 12:58 Reply

    That your ass sha ooooo. E really fat well we’ll ???

  17. Nice. Was hoping it wouldn’t have sex though. Kinda over sex right now. Just want to read something sappy and hopeful.

  18. Chizzie
    May 25, 18:49 Reply

    Sigh there goes my lesbian crush. Right out the window! I really hope this isn’t another Whore chronicle detailing senseless acts of fornication like KingBey penned earlier. ? Cus Kissing and telling is what basic b*tches do… ?

    • Duke
      May 25, 20:57 Reply

      LOL… I am more concerned about the lesbian crush part. Me? Lesbian crush? SMH

  19. Brian Collins
    May 26, 00:15 Reply

    I totally remember when Ace first mentioned this story a long time ago. You now evolved and became Fuckboy Duke abi? I wee tell your mummy.

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