THE FIRST STEP IS TO TELL YOURSELF THE TRUTH

THE FIRST STEP IS TO TELL YOURSELF THE TRUTH

Last year, I was following the #HowIResist campaign, and I remember going through some of the declarations and seeing myself in the words of all these people who were contributing to the campaign. I remembered struggling to convince myself that the feelings I felt for boys was simply a passing phase in my life – something I would outgrow. I prayed, fasted and even went for lots of deliverance programs. Still, nothing changed. Those around me saw me as a great evangelist due to my zeal for the work of the Lord; but it’s safe to say that none of them were in my world.

I attempted suicide once. It was during my secondary school days. I was a student of a Federal unity college in the South-South region of Nigeria. I was a boarder, often plagued with worries about how the feelings I thought were fleeting had started becoming increasingly real daily in the boarding house. Constantly, images of the naked bodies and beautiful penises of the boys I bathed with flooded my mind, soon taking centre stage in my thoughts. I was young, nave and ill-equipped to deal with my inner turmoil, and soon, the things I was thinking began slipping out into my conversations with other people. It was then that I started hearing names like “homo” being ascribed to me. They were cruel taunts, and I was miserable. I couldn’t take it. And the harder I tried to drive the treacherous thoughts away, the fiercer they returned.

I soon began to realise that this was what I had become – dirty, contaminated, unclean – and so, I decided to end my life during the holidays. So, when a school mate of mine called me “homo” in the presence of my childhood friends, I fled from them, ran into the house, took a knife and stabbed myself.

Fortunately, my immediate elder sister was at home. She found me in the kitchen, lying in the pool of my blood. All I can remember about that situation is her scream. Then the flurry of activity that erupted following her cry of alarm. Then I was taken to the hospital and was discharged a few days after. My family had always seen me as a tender and emotional kid. So, they thought that perhaps I was going with some kind of depression. And I probably was, but for reasons they couldn’t possibly imagine. All attempts to get me to unburden myself proved abortive. I wasn’t about to tell them my secret. That I was unclean.

It was during this period that I resolved within me to focus my attention fully on my school work. And this inadvertently turned me into a loner.

A defining moment however soon came to me in the form of a boy. This was during my final year in the university. During that period, I was considered something of firebrand by my friends, course mates, family and some of my lecturers. I was often cited in my department as someone the students in the lower years should emulate. I was all set to graduate with a first class. I was exemplary.

And yet, I was a totally sad person, always crying in my closet because of the way I felt for other boys.

That day, I met a guy during an evangelism outreach I was a part of. When I encountered him, I was dumbstruck by his sheer attractiveness. He was tall, dark in complexion, with a sinewy build and sparkling white teeth. He was perfect.

I was still staring speechlessly at him when he said, “I’m James. What about you?”

Immediately regaining my ability to speak, my entire body suddenly abuzz with excitement to be at the receiving end of such an attractive boy’s attention, and a broad smile plastered on my face, I answered, “Kelvin!” (Yeah, I actually screeched my name at him) “Final year student of the department of –”

He interrupted me with, “Oh, are you that first class student who won a medal for the school during the NUGA games.”

Oh, so he’d heard about me. Feeling abashed with pleasure, I simply smiled and nodded.

He began talking in awe about how I am able to combine my leadership roles with my academics and sporting engagements, and excelling at them all. I was the class rep of my department and a member of the Student Representative Council, as well as the Athletics captain who won an individual bronze medal at the NUGA games at Makurdi. We segued into other topics and just carried on talking about lots of things. And as the days turned into weeks, we became close friends. Reading, eating and spending time together. The switch from platonic friends to intimacy was very organic. One moment, we were greeting each other with handshakes and bro hugs, and the next, the hugs were getting longer and more deep-tissue. By the time we started exchanging kisses and cuddling each other in bed, it all seemed like the natural thing to do.

I was sharing a very good thing with James. And yet, deep down inside me, the torture of how forbidden it was ate at me.

And during a romantic period we were spending together one Sunday evening, I suddenly broke down in tears, and as I sobbed, I opened up to James about my struggle with this thing. I talked about how I felt unclean. About how I’d once tried to end my life. About how I was right then struggling with the thoughts of how something so abominable could also be so sweet and beautiful when I was with him.

Tears were streaming down my face as I looked at him look at me. And he said, “I am going to leave now, Kelvin. But I want to say this to you, which I hope will change you. Christopher Tesse wrote in his book, Emergence, that admitting your sexuality to yourself is the first step in acceptance. Once you have done that, you can choose to divulge your newly-confessed truth to the world and live with the consequences; or you can choose to hide it forever and live in silent pain for the rest of your life.” He continued, “Kelvin, like the quotes says, accepting yourself is the most important step and that is all you need right now. Whatever follows will depend on how you want your life to be.”

He took my hand and said with a small smile, “Just think about it. Think about how it’d feel so much better if you just put down those things you’ve been carrying about in your heart about who you are, and just let it be.”

And after this, he left.

And I sat there, barely moving, tears running freely down my face. everything he’d said to me slowly tremoring through my system, gradually changing my life forever.

Written by Kelvin Fizoblinzs

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29 Comments

  1. That Ghana Boy Rudy
    April 24, 07:32 Reply

    I send to you an overwhelming dosage of love this morning wherever you are. It’s a blessing we have you in our midst alive and kicking. You’re a conqueror!

    • Kelvin Fizoblinzs
      April 25, 05:20 Reply

      Thanks dear, yeah I’m a conqueror on that ground and a few more, but there is still more ground for me to conquer.

  2. O_shabby
    April 24, 08:16 Reply

    Aww dear kelvin thanks for sharing your story most guys are passing through the same thing but its so good someone blessed spoke to you and cleanse your heart

  3. Black Dynasty
    April 24, 09:45 Reply

    This is one of the few things no one else can do for you, but you.
    Having been through the same thing, self acceptance was a breath of fresh air and the freedom to live unapologetically…

    Sending you lots of love and hope that you get there. It will require a lot of bravery to unlearn things you’ve been told and currently believe to be true.

  4. Kvng
    April 24, 10:00 Reply

    I once battled with this kind of feeling, praying, fasting, even going for seminars but all failed. That was then i resolved within me that this isn’t afflicted, it’s just who i am. I almost committed suicide, as close as the tot got to me, i just couldn’t do it bcos the thought of leaving my sister, mom, nd siblings behind was just unbearable, more painful than the thought of death, then i thought to myself, if God created me this way, who am i to change it. I guess God wanted u alive more than u know cos he has great plans for u, just kip aiming high and getting strong, u will survive. U re a true survivor, receive love and strength wherever u are.

  5. ken George
    April 24, 10:25 Reply

    i am sure 90% of gay guys can relate to this. In the end everyone has to decide how they want to live their lives. the truth is that no option is easy. whether u accept yourself or not, whether you come out or not, whether you marry and have kids or not….no option is easy. You will always have to sacrifice one part for the other. There will be some pain as well as joy, no matter the option you choose. But you have to choose.

  6. Delle
    April 24, 10:34 Reply

    I have questions o!

    Hian!

    Are you still battling “the thing?”
    Do you think perhaps that writing this was you moving on from the battle, embracing yourself and making a decision? Is this post supposed to be self-therapy?
    Where’s the tall, gorgeous, sparkly teeth James?
    Is he still single?
    Did you go back to him?
    Are you contemplating it (and I seriously hope, for your sake, the response to this is positive)?
    Why did he stand up to leave? You only broke down, you weren’t going to break up with him.
    Wait, were you??
    Why did you let him leave?

    GO GET HIM BACK!

    OR

    Ask PP for my email address so you can send his contact details to me. I’m a gay man filled with so much acceptance, he’ll be overwhelmed ☺.

    • Kelvin Fizoblinzs
      April 25, 05:39 Reply

      Lol………………………………… Dele
      Anyway, that is a whole lot of story, but i will leave you with this, sometimes some people are meant to show you the beautiful light of self- acceptance and self- love, but they are never meant to stay by your side. If one doesn’t realizes on time and keep pushing for it. One day that person will woke up to discover that he (she) is gradually heading to the valley of deep sadness, which may be far worse than where the person have been.
      I hope these communicate the whole message.
      Thanks.

      • Delle
        April 25, 11:27 Reply

        Good. So he’s available for the taking.

        Send the required details to PP, Kelvin. Thanks 🙂

  7. bamidele
    April 24, 14:13 Reply

    Well, the guy was right. Only you can tell yourself the truth, even in the midst of obstacles.

  8. Higwe
    April 24, 14:48 Reply

    Could you imagine if you’ve died when you tried to quietus yourself …….

    Your “first class” brain and every beautiful thing you could have been, would be gone with you ……

    And the worthless homophobic scum ….whom I’m certain hasn’t amounted to anything yet , would have gone on living .

    Termites and whatever ravenous organism inhabiting the soil would have disposed of your carcass .

    You’ll be a forgotten memory …

    People would mourn you for a few hours …

    Exaggerate your good deeds …

    Susurrate the “wrong” ones ….which typically they believe is the cause of your death .

    Speculate and disssect your life ….

    And typically in the human fashion …. they’ll move on and start discussing Arya and Sansa ; Hushpappi’s next Gucci shoes ….

    And just like that you’ll settle eternally as an- unmemorable memory ….when you could have been so much more 🤦🏼‍♂️.

    ———————————————-

    Suicidal ideation is pretty common ..

    But your case is especially dangerous because you’ve attempted and failed …

    And you didn’t go with the painless routine (overdose of sleeping pills )

    You went with the violent one …meaning you have a history of self inflicted violence too.

    There is a huge probability you’ll attempt suicide again.

    Right now you seem to be in a good headspace …but knowing the world we live in and the constantly changing tides… something else will emerge that will retest your mantle, will, forbearance ……..are you prepared for it ?

    If you are ….then congratulations !

    If you’re not …..may I suggest a few things ?

    I’d suggest therapy but since we don’t have such in this country , I’ll suggest self therapy ….here are some useful guides from one of the works of my mentor :Bill knaus …

    Start now and practice every day….

    1. Study your problem

    Split the problem into two parts: The practical part & the emotional/behavioral part.

    Focus on the feelings and actions you’d like to change.

    Look for unhelpful feelings and actions and eradicate them.

    2. Study your feelings and actions.

    3. Dispute your irrational beliefs

    Remember: It’s okay to want things to be different *

    Being gay is not a dirty thing ; it’s not a curse !

    Question your stream of negative thoughts .

    4 . Put your new rational beliefs into practice

    Look for ways to put your new rational beliefs into practice to reinforce yourself .Constantly compare them to see how better you fare when you think and act positively .

    5. Keep records

    Keep a diary of your disputing habits.
    Record whether you faced up to your problems or looked to avoid them.

    6. Make your new rational beliefs permanent…

    Genuine acceptance of your sexuality …

    A wholesome acceptance of your being ….knowing you can be no one else no matter how you try .

    Remind yourself regularly that your progress and well being is completely up to you .

    _________________________

    All in all I wish you the best as you continue to live your best life .

    Don’t fail to surround yourself with people with positive energy .

    Good luck .😎

    • Sim
      April 24, 19:50 Reply

      I would be sad, if you end as a model with just a pretty face or body. I hope you have realized u can do more than modeling and impact lives either through teaching or being a counselor- most importantly plan your 41k . I ain’t disparaging modeling, just saying I know people who have combined it with other career. Merci

    • Kelvin Fizoblinzs
      April 25, 06:05 Reply

      Hmmmmmm………………..
      Thanks a million, anyway when ever I get a significant attainment, I tend to say, Life is beautiful. This has been my recent slogan, knowing that we make our lives out of chaos, hope and love. Having a bright future and beautiful dreams clouding my heart, i doubt if i will ever see suicide as an option. Nevertheless i will adopt your approach for i know it will help not only I but others when there are in depressive times.

      • Higwe
        April 25, 09:28 Reply

        Awwww

        And an amazing future you’ll have .

        People like you should be protected at all cost .

        You give me bragging rights as a gay Nigerian man.

    • Mario
      April 25, 23:12 Reply

      Haha.. Higwe’s ever intelligent comments. You remind me of Raymond Reddington in Blacklist

    • Peace
      April 26, 07:47 Reply

      Hi Higwe nna, can pinky connect us both?

    • Steven
      April 27, 08:31 Reply

      I take my time to read through all your comments on all posts.

      Mind PP connecting us? Pls

  9. J
    April 25, 09:56 Reply

    You’re not alone, you will overcome it. Watching short LGBTIQ films on YouTube and gay marriages has helped me a lot.

    I realized that in some places, people are accepting and supportive. And there are different kinds of gay people just like there are different kinds of straight people, the good, bad, ugly, the conservative, punks, yahoo yahoo, evangelist, prostitute, academicians, royalties, commoners etc It doesn’t matter what you do in your bedroom, there’s no specific way of having sex with someone you love as long as there’s consent.

    Do not get yourself all stressed out, life is more complicated than we all think and it takes all sorts to make a world. Love yourself and be kind to yourself, no one can be you and you can’t be anyone. Be yourself Kelvin.

  10. Patrick
    April 25, 14:25 Reply

    Your story is quite similar to mine, Kelvin: evangelical, academic, top of my class…

    But I eventually came to the place where I had to admit to myself that I am gay.

    Whichever way you decide to live your life as a gay man: whether you want to be single, celibate, marry a woman or marry a man; admitting your sexuality to yourself is a necessary first step.

    Thanks Kelvin!

  11. Tee-man
    April 29, 12:32 Reply

    Wow.. I can c more of me in ur room write up.. We just av to admit who we ar, we can’t pretend wht we ar not to please others … A load of kisses to you..

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