FOREWORD: ALRAAIIITTT! 😀 Kito Diaries has got its first submission, from a brother who would like you to know him as Rio-Dynyel. Very sexy, yes? Anyway, this is his piece, and I found it a very interesting read. I hope you do too.
First, he was really young, feeling strange whenever he would see a man without a shirt on. He used to get really giggly and flustered. Picking up little crushes for some men, emotions he didn’t understand.
Then, the years passed. And the things he felt got stronger.
But he began to realize what he was, and what the people around him thought about that. They hated it. They despised it. And he feared their contempt. And the boy who was once bright and open and very talkative ceased to exist; he replaced that boy with one other who was withdrawn, quiet and sad. He felt guilt. He battled depression. He saw his existence as a mistake. He lacked any sense of self worth. Many a time, he contemplated suicide. He would often lie, crumpled, on his bedroom floor behind his closed door and cry his eyes out until sleep would come. He would beg God to help him; he was so scared that God didn’t approve of him.
His family had no idea what he was going through, and he felt no encouragement to tell them the things he felt. How could he? He had heard his sister once say to her friend during a conversation about homosexuals: “If it ever happens that my brother is gay, I will never call him brother again.” Telling his family about his true self, confiding in anyone about who he believed he was, was out of the question.
He was beyond help.
He began to withdraw from even more than family. From friends. Everywhere he looked, he wondered if the eyes looking back at him knew, if they were accusing him, condemning him for being different. Fear…he would feel fear over what he didn’t know.
And so as a teenager, he was very alone. But no one knew why he was so alone. How could they? Mother would always proudly tell her friends: “My son is such a good boy…he doesn’t chase after girls…he is always home and very obedient.” She knew that to be normal for every good child.
But he didn’t feel normal. He liked boys, how was that normal? He admired boys as they played and walked and talked and flirted with girls. How was he normal?
And then, he discovered the internet. And all the different people he could interact with. Different, and yet the same as he. With the same desires, and wants, and passions. He was in good company. He stopped being alone. He even ventured into sex. Yes, he had sex. His first time with a boy hurt. It was disgusting even. But he liked it. He quickly started adapting to this new life. His new life. A life he had to lie to conceal, to protect. Where his fears made him alone before, now they only made him stronger. He was beginning to accept himself. Even though he knew he wasn’t accepted, he chose to live on and to live well.
There isn’t anything left to say, except I wish he didn’t have to go through all he went through to get to where he is today.
He is no devil, like the church preaches. He is no animal, like society condemns. He is not a curse, like everybody else believes. He is him just like everyone else is to themselves. He not a mistake, God loves him and he loves everyone. There have been sanctions imposed, laws passed, ill will fomented. But to what end?
He is who he is. That cannot be helped. This is life, best when it is accepted the way it is, as one cannot shape life when he didn’t create it.
I watch him now, confident in himself, whilst still wary of the world around him, his footsteps sure and his attitude positive as he moves forward to say ‘Hello’ back to the guy who said ‘Hello’ to him.
Written by Rio-Dynyel
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