The Hilarious Piece About The Prayer

The Hilarious Piece About The Prayer

Originally published on sagbachronicles.com

*

So it was my last day in my village, near Owerri, Nigeria. In four days, no kinsman or woman had asked me the dreaded marriage question.

I thought I’d had a lucky escape, until I popped into an aunt’s shop to tell her I would be leaving the next morning and to give her some money.

She thanked me profusely for the cash. Then blessed me. Then she got on her knees and said, “Please, please find a wife. Please I am begging you in the name of God, please.”

I replied, “Please aunty, get up. I have heard you. I will see what I can do.”

She got up.

“Or are you looking for one over there in England?” she seemed to ask with disdain in her voice.

“Ah-ah aunty, does it matter where she comes from?”

“That’s true, but it is better if she hails from these parts.”

I wanted to say, Seriously? You have been asking me to get married, for the last 20 years to no avail, and now you are suggesting where the wife should come from?! You don’t ask for much, do you? And they say beggars can’t be choosers.

But I kept my peace.

Instead I said, “But aunty, at my age, I don’t think I want to get married anymore.”

“Eh?!” she screamed. Her face looked like someone had stabbed her in the heart. “Don’t say that. There is a seventy-year-old man in the next kindred who is looking for a young wife. You are a man. You can even marry at seventy.

“I have been praying for you. I prayed for you this morning that a good woman will come your way, in Jesus Name!”

As if on cue, like the ram that appeared to Abraham when God decided Abraham’s son Isaac wouldn’t taste as good as a free range ram, a lean muscular guy in his early twenties, wearing a pair of Hawaiian shorts and a singlet showing off his sinewy arms, walked into the shop. He had the kind of musculature you don’t get from going to the gym; rather from good old fashioned hard labour on the farm or a building site.

Sigh. Behold the “good woman”.

I was about to say, “Hallelujah, God has answered your prayer, Aunty”, when I  noticed he was wearing eyeliner and when he spoke, it was with a very high pitched voice.

No way, Ms. Thang!!!

Technically, God did answer my aunt’s prayer, just not the sexuality she was expecting.

I smiled.

I think God was having a laugh.

Written by Keredim

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36 Comments

  1. Mandy
    May 06, 07:32 Reply

    LMAO. It is clear. God does have a sense of humour.

  2. Delle
    May 06, 09:07 Reply

    Hahaha…what I’d give to have been that guy…*adjusts tiara*

  3. Delle
    May 06, 09:07 Reply

    Hahaha…what I’d give to have been that guy…*adjusts tiara*

  4. KingBey
    May 06, 10:23 Reply

    Asking you to get married since 20yrs….what are you…..55? Lol

  5. Kester
    May 06, 10:51 Reply

    Just like you to be such a witch and end the the story at the point it should be beginning. Where is your empathy, Morgana pendragon?

  6. Mitch
    May 06, 10:54 Reply

    God does have a sense of humour. A darn crazy one at that!

  7. Peak
    May 06, 11:39 Reply

    @Keredim, I have a “conception” that was recently brought to my notice that requires you ACTUAL stance on the subject.
    I was having random conversations with some Kdians regarding queer Nigerians moving/living abroad, yet not “living the dream” that is often peddled on KD. Somehow, your name came up, and a Kdian was quick to wave you off, accused of unabashed discrimination & dislike of effete men. He even had a ready made name for it…Internalized Femiphobia. I may have disagreed with him, but others were on the fence about the idea. Yes! You have been very vocal about ur “preference” for macho men, but some observes claimed that you have repeatedly thrown jabs and made tacky jokes about effeminacy. Ironically, it turned out that while we were discussing if you are for or against effeminacy, unknown to me, you were busy defending Korede Bello and his effeminacy.

    A few hours ago, my attention was brought to this post with

    as irrefutable proof, that you harbour an unhealthy degree of dislike for effeminacy ( which I still disagree). Now, this is not me trying to start anything, but I would like to give us ur ACTUAL stance on interaction and relationship with effeminate men. It is not mandatory, but I personally feel it would help shed more light on and separate “preference and dislike”. Secondly, why thrive on misconception, speculations and side talks when you can get clarification.

      • michael
        May 06, 12:37 Reply

        Biko shift joor…. *pours a cup for self*

    • ambivalentone
      May 06, 12:08 Reply

      Oh, btw dearest Keredim, think VERY carefully before you answer these thought provoking qxns.

  8. bruno
    May 06, 13:37 Reply

    this is not funny in any way. it’s a disgusting femmephobic post from someone who should know better.

    i was going to say i expected better but really i don’t.

  9. Max 10
    May 06, 14:06 Reply

    Hilarious gini??
    This was bland and uninteresting and although so many air heads here missed it, I didn’t.. I saw your internalized Femophobia(IF) poke out its ugly head.

    And for those asking about his age, its not a secret that he’s no spring chicken anymore, he’s currently pushing golden Jubilee.

  10. Keredim
    May 06, 15:22 Reply

    @Peak, wow… Thanks for your question and the chance to clear up any “misconceptions”

    I kinda feel like i have been brought in front of a tribunal in chains, with you presiding over it, with a bevy of delightfully dressed and coifured queens flanking both sides, giving me evil stares – with guilty verdict already passed. In Short this is a formality, i am going down.

    Firstly, i am not clear about the “moving abroad and living the dream” comment. Am i to address it or not? Do the KDians think i am doing ok as a “well paid international harlot” or not? I will take umbrage if it was suggested that I wasn’t well paid.?

    On Effeminacy. My God, you make it sound like a political position or cause that i need to take a stance on. (Like UK staying in Europe or not?)

    Yes, i have a preference sexually for masculine men. I am not sure how that makes me “Femiphobic” (nice word. Though it sounds like one hates “Femi”??)

    I have mentioned before in the comments section, that some of my good friends are effete. We get on like a house on fire, we gossip and diss each other and others, i have my happiest times with such friends. (Not sure why your panel members conveniently over looked that.)

    In addition if it helps, i can vogue, do the tail-feather, do the Naomi Campbell walk with the best of them. (My only regret is I can’t twerk anymore on account of my bad back. Being 60 as you know, has its limitations on the dance floor). I can “lipsync for my life” to Grown Woman and “I Am Every Woman” as and when required.

    I just don’t find feminine guys sexually attractive. Not sure why i should be dragged over the coals for it, anymore than you and you tribunal members are for disliking women sexually.

    So in my post, seeing as they are praying for a wife for me, and God knowing my preference and in His infinite humour, presents an effete guy to me, why would it make sense for me to start making “marriage inquiries” about him?!! I am assuming at some point i am meant to get it up for him abi?

    Me descibing the guy as “wearing eyeliner and speaking with a high pitched voice”, is exactly how he was. Not sure how that is “irrefutable proof” that I dislike femmes?!

    Have Delle (who is an effeminate guy – his wordsnot mine) and i not exchanged stilleto jabs on here?

    Last Christmas did i not describe myself as tottering precariously on high heeled stilettos and pulling down my mini-skirt (ala Wendy Williams). Does that sound to you like a who has an issue with femmes?!?

    Do i have to jump into bed with an effeminate guy to prove to you and your panel, that i like them?!!

    I make no apologies for my sexual preferences and neither should you. Own it, live it and be fabulous about it.

    So lets be clear, i like effeminate guys BUT NOT SEXUALLY. If that makes me “Femiphobic”, then kiss my firm pert black ass!

    *Walks away like Tina Turner in “What’s Love Got To Do With It” Video*

    • JustJames
      May 06, 15:31 Reply

      You can vogue? I envy you. I couldn’t dance to save my life talk less of vogue. They’d probably just end it there if I tried to. ?

    • Tiercel de Claron
      May 06, 15:40 Reply

      Why there would be the need for anyone to have to defend their sexual preference on this board beats me.
      Someone explain this to me,why should a preference for overly masculine guys now equate being “femmephobic”?.On a gay board too.

    • Mandy
      May 06, 15:48 Reply

      I just knew I was going to thoroughly enjoy Keredim’s response. By God, this was a resounding defense. 😀

    • Peak
      May 06, 16:42 Reply

      **Sigh** You couldn’t help but shade everything within sight okwaya?
      Thank you, for taking the time to EXPLICITLY spell things out instead of allowing people roam free with implied meaning(s). The purpose of the enquiry had nothing to with “passing a verdict” on you but setting the record straight (pun intended). Surprising, there were more people besides “my panel members” who shared from the same misconception. So try relax and take it like the learning and sensitizing exercise that is was intended to be.

      “anymore than you and you tribunal members are for disliking women sexually.” Errm it’s clear that you are making the same mistake “the panel” made. Some of us prefer a snack of sausages as 1st choice and donuts as 2nd choice. So dont be in too much of a haste to reach conclusions Bros.

      About your vogue capabilities, dakun, I’d like a front row seat for ur next live showing. I will start saving now so I can tip you real good and make sure you maintain ur winning streak of staying “well paid”.

    • Max 10
      May 06, 20:21 Reply

      “I was tripping for him till I found out he was 50” ( old shaming)

      “I have gay friends so I can’t be homophobic” (homophobe)
      The fact that you wrote your little epistle about how you can act all femme and have “them” as friends, makes your whole “I’m not attracted to femmes” more pathetic than it already is.

      Do yourself a favor and work on your insecurities.. We all have preferences, but you don’t see people blurt it out every second on comments or make an entire post just to ridicule a femme person and expect us to find it hilarious.

  11. Delle
    May 06, 17:44 Reply

    This was quite edutaining! *case dismissed*
    *hits hammer and catwalks out*

  12. Francis
    May 07, 21:33 Reply

    I didn’t leave a comment when this post went live on your site cause the “effemiphobia” left a bad taste in my mouth so I decided to just move along until I jammed it here again.

    By the time I finished reading the comments here something struck me. Some of us here are in the habit of calling over muscular peeps “Akpa cement” or “Akpans” that they can NEVER touch even if they were the last men on earth. *stifles a chuckle* I do remember you saying that shit hurts sometimes. ?

    I think we all should just make an effort at expressing our likes and what have you without making each other feel worthless.

  13. […] Christmas day and I see a missed call from my aunt. (The same one who prayed for a wife for me in THE PRAYER) I had sent her some cash for Christmas earlier in the month and half expected her to call me to […]

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