Before I get into the glorious details of Friday, I need to tell you about her.

Tori.

*stares dopily at her pictures for thirty minutes before continuing* Sigh.

Whatever, where was I?

Ah yes, Victoria. She was my first. Well, no, actually she wasn’t, but she would have been. I’m being vague, forgive me. We’ll talk about her more later on. She’s a character that everyone can relate to, one of unrequited love. Today, I’ll just speak a little of her.

Victoria is an ex-girlfriend-ish. (It’s complicated.) And she invited me over to hers. This was like three weeks before Kaddy’s Friday. It was a pretty normal invitation to the untrained eye, but to I, Ife, the Freedom fighter of boobs, I could see the real message. The message to the unskilled eye was: “I’ll manage you on Thursday so that I won’t be bored, sha come on time and don’t overdress. You won’t be meeting my parents.”

But to my trained eye, here’s what I noticed.

  1. She said she’ll manage me, implying that she wanted me but didn’t want to show it.
  2. She said so that she won’t be bored, implying that she’ll be home alone.
  3. She said I should come on time, implying that she wants to get the show on the road early so that we can finish before anyone gets back.
  4. ‘Don’t overdress’ implying the less you wear, the faster for you to strip.
  5. ‘You won’t be meeting my parents’ meaning ‘I have planned the day so well that you won’t run into them.’

With all of these noticed, I sharply (pronounced as shaparlee) responded with a cool response. I didn’t want to come off as eager. “Yeah whatever, I’ll see if I can make time for you on Thursday.”

Wednesday evening was reading a lot of Yuriko Hime and spent talking to my lesbian friend about the best way and places to kiss Tori, what to wear, how to please her.

Thursday morning arrived and I was so happy. I was going to have throwback sex with my ex. I bogeyed all the way to the bathroom, to the kitchen, and then to the sitting room, only to see my parents packing their laptops to leave while my younger brother was just watching TV.

“Where are you guys going?” I asked.

“I’m off to London to see the Queen,” my dad replied.

I turned to my mum.

“Ma bi me ni jamb question,” she sang in reply.

I rolled my eyes. See the kind of people I have to deal with everyday.

“Weirdoes, sha when you are ready to go, remember to pack your son along with you,” I retorted, and then turned to sit down.

“I’m going to Abeokuta, he can’t come with me,” Pops protested.

I wasn’t bothered. Shebi the boy has two parents. I was about to sit and enjoy Adventure Time when this woman spoke, “I’m going to school. I can’t take him with me. Stay at home with him.”

I whirled around faster than a ballerina. “E say?” I asked her, to make sure that what she said was a joking sturvs.

“Stay at home with him. He can’t come with us.”

Ah! Mo gbe, mo ku, mo daran! The probability of throwback sex was fast fading from my future.

“But I’m going out today! I told you people since last week. You kent do this to me!” I exclaimed.

“Ace aunty, it’s either you stay home with him or you take him with you. Dinner is yam and eggs. Be back on time,” the woman I call my mother mercilessly replied.

I collapsed dramatically on the floor.

“You can’t do this to me! You’re killing my vibe! This is not fair! I protest this movement. I demand democracy.”

I was yelling all this when my father started singing, “She’s telling me this, she’s telling me that. Wo Bunmi, let’s go joor.”

Is this not wickedness?

***

I had to take my brother with me, but my opportunity for knacks will not fade away, in Jesus’ name! I told the boy to bring a bag, and then I put in things that could distract a ten year old boy (that I could afford). I put in books, his PSP, bubble gum, sweets, a bottle of water and a stack of cards. Once this was done, I sat him down and told him sternly that when we get there, he should act cool and that he should not embarrass or disturb me. Then I called a Uber.

We had a smooth drive to Isolo. The traffic was not much and my driver had this chiseled jaw with this beautifully strong nose and lovely dimples. His arms were sinewy, and if you see his body eh, yummy-yummy-yum-yum! As he drove, he made light conversation; his voice was this kind of smooth deepness that makes you want to write out a cheque and hand over your soul to him. Sigh, but that’s by the way.

Speaking of way, when we got to Isolo, we lost our way. Google Maps could not find her house street. We stopped to ask one aboki where the place was. He said go forward, turn right, reach the end of the road then turn left. Na so we come follow directions, when we got there, we asked the gate security for the street, my guy come talk say it was where we were coming from. Sha-sha, after like thirty minutes of wrong directions and driving aimlessly about, we found the house. Not that I minded sha, getting to look at the hotness that was my Uber driver was a gift from God.

My brother and I entered the house and immediately this goddess started to fawn over him. It was irritating. I mean, the boy is not that cute, he is just a dimpled ashewo with a cute smile and a good smirk, just like his brother and a little like me, except I don’t have dimples and my smirk is that of a Master.

After rubbing the boy’s head into her breasts (not that the idiot minded, I saw him smiling, but then who no like better thing?) and giving him her own PSP and bending her exquisite ass where I could see it and appreciate it, we left him in the living room and went to her room. I told my brother that we were discussing “private girl’s gist” and that he should not disturb us. (Throwback Sex with Ex about to be on fleek, not that I had ever done Tori before)

We got on the bed and I gave her my laptop and told her to pick any movie she wanted to see. She picked Cameron Diaz’s Sex Tape, and soon we were cuddling while she watched the movie (I was too busy watching her)

She smelt like heaven, so I buried my head in her hair, and then I kissed her neck. We made this delicious eye contact and then our lips connected. I felt tingles run up my spine as I ran my hand through her hair down to her back as our lips moved in sync. Soon, my laptop was cast aside in the corner of the bed and she was sitting on my laps, kissing me. With a gentle “Can I?”, I received permission to unhook her bra. Her breasts came flooding out, and my lawd, they were beautiful. I suddenly understood the motivation that inspired the song ‘I Love Breast’ by Leftside.

Not wasting anytime, I took one of her lovely lady lumps into my mouth and found myself overwhelmed by the amazing taste of breasts. All I could think was, This, this is why I can never ever be straight. She pushed my head further into her breasts, arching her body into mine. As I licked and sucked and squeezed and teased, she began grinding slowly against me. She led my fingers to her deep, deep sea, and as I was about to plunge into the waters, when my brother knocked on the door.

“Ife?”

In that moment, I placed a million curses on his lifetime.

“Yes, what’s up?” I croaked.

Tori rolled off me and hooked her bra back up.

“Where do I throw my chewing gum wrapper?”

Again, I ask: Is this not wickedness?

***

Tori and I had to leave the room then. She showed him the bin, which was in the bloody living room and then we went back inside. Horny me started kissing her again, but this girl wasn’t responding. She now brought out her phone and started calling people, saying that she needed to call them. I did not understand what was happening, so I started to kiss her neck and then her lips. She responded and then she stopped, saying that she couldn’t do this, that she has a boyfriend.

In my mind, I was like: Aunty, five minutes ago, you wanted me to finger-fuck you through nine levels of hell. You dinnor remember that you had a boyfriend then. Wo ogbeni, spread your legs sharp-sharp.

But instead I said, “Don’t think about that right now. Just think about how you feel in this moment, when I kiss you.”

I leaned in and kissed her again. And so the kissing resumed. My hands were on her thighs. Her hands were roaming up my shirt and heading for my breasts.

KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK!

“Tori! Ife!”

Come, did they send this boy?!

“Ayomikun, what do you want?!” I yelled as Tori’s hands withdrew. Somebody is going to die once we get home, I swear.

“Tori, there’s a man at your gate.”

I sighed.

“Look Ife, just let it go. Let’s go to the parlor,” Tori said.

Game over.

It turned out it was her dad at the gate. He greeted me and asked how my day was going.

What I thought: Oh good afternoon, no I haven’t had a good day. I have been trying to fuck your daughter, I actually studied hard last night on different ways to have her screaming my name, but you and my brother have been fucking pussy blocks. But that’s just my day. How was yours?

What I said: “Good afternoon sir, my day has been fine o. NEPA decided to show us pepper though.”

We shared a laugh at this. We settled on a card game while her dad retired to his room. My brother and I thwacked Tori’s ass, something I wished I could’ve done literally. Eventually we gathered our stuff and we left, but I had left something behind with her, something that I would never admit as a bad ass Yoruba Demon that I am.

*sigh* Well, okay, if you must know: I had left my heart behind, despite all my forming that this was going to be a ‘wham-bam, good bye ma’am’ affair.

And so, that was how I re-caught my feelings for Victoria Akintola.

***

Oh would you look at that, time’s up for today. It appears you all have to wait till next week to find out about my Friday with Kaddy. I just made a fresh pot of tea. Sip with me? ;D

PS: Someone should tell Microsoft Word that it’s the Nigerian way of life to repeat words, e.g. sha-sha.

Written by iAmNotAPerv

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