THE MAXIAN RULE BOOK

THE MAXIAN RULE BOOK

  • If he says, “I can’t date or marry a guy”, remind him that he also shouldn’t be lusting after or fucking one either. Then find a suitable tall building and throw him off it (he doesn’t deserve better anyway).
  • If he cheats on you and comes back to tell you how much he loves you, visit a babalawo and have a doll made out in his likeness with a pin aimed for the heart.
  • If he wants to dive in without, take him on a trip to any nearby teaching hospital to reset his confused mind.
  • If he tells you to stop flinging your hands and being a diva, direct him to Oshodi under bridge, Ojuelegba or Tejuosho where he can find #RealMen.
  • If he asks which team you play for, tell him you play for #TeamDeleteAssholes and wipe his sorry existence from your life.
  • If he asks “TB?” while getting to know you, give him direction to TB Joshua’s ministry in Ikotun.
  • If he calls you bro after a good shag, dump his ass, but not before slapping the bejesus out of him.
  • If he says he can’t take a D up his ass, show him an atlas that directs him out of your house and delete his number.
  • If he calls you bro in front of his straight friends and then tries to cuddle you when they’re gone, tell him to call one of them for the cuddling session.
  • If he tells you, “…it’s not like we’re getting married or anything”, slice him up with a meat cleaver and feed him to any stray dogs you can find.
  • If he doesn’t wanna wash his cakes properly before sex, direct him to a pig sty; there he’ll find like-minded folks.
  • If he says he says “I don’t kiss or suck, I just fuck”, aim your leg up his ass in a flying kick out of your house and life.
  • If he cannot pronounce the word ‘gay’, serve him your #IDontWannaDoYouAnymore papers, because he’s fucking disgusting.
  • If he tells you to man up in public, draw him closer, smack his cakes, kiss him and abandon him there.
  • If he wants sex all the time, tell him to invest in a sex doll.
  • If he tells you to cook for him, warn him that there could be poison in the jollof rice.
  • If he fat shames you, remind him of his bulbous mother.
  • If he slim shames you, remind him of his emaciated father.
  • If he says, “I would’ve married you if you were a girl”, introduce him to Caitlyn Jenner.
  • If he says things like “…this is just a game”, show him the door and put up a CLOSED sign for his benefit.
  • If he cheats on you with your friend, get voodoo dolls for both of them and burn the crotch with a gas lighter.
  • If he says he only likes rough sex, direct him to Ibadan zoo to meet one of the baboons. I hear they’ll fuck anything including a horny human asshole.
  • If he insists on BDSM, get a good akpulekwe or koboko from a good aboki and flog the spirit of Christian Grey out of him.
  • If he types “Scat?” on Grindr, report him to the authorities as a terrorist for promoting such sexual felony, so he’ll never enter any food shop in his life again.
  • If his profile says “Only straight acting dudes, no femmes please”, troll on his silly, internalized homophobic ass and then block him.
  • If he says, “I only do working class please”, tell him to get off his ratchet high goat, because he’s sure as hell not even qualified to ride a horse.
  • If he says, “You’re the man, so you’re supposed to foot the bills” while on a date, excuse yourself to the bathroom and abandon his Housewife Mentality ass.
  • If he says, “How can you know you don’t like pussy if you’ve never tried it”, tell him to jump off a three storey building and tell you if he liked it when he’s done.
  • If he tells you he’s a religious person, tell him to join the monastery and stop asking you for sex, since ‘Gad’ is against it.
  • If he says he was “converted”, refer him to TB Joshua’s anti-conversion programme. Provide him with swimming trunks since there might be swimming involved.
  • If he starts sending texts like “I miss you” after a one night stand, tell him to go pick his common sense where he left it.
  • If he fucks you like a hoe, but you like being fucked like a Disney princess, poop on his Dick and tell him to go fuck himself.
  • If he tells you he has a girlfriend while ya’ll are driving home, stop the car and push him out in the middle of the express road before an oncoming trailer. Nansense!!!

Written by Max

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70 Comments

  1. ken
    January 11, 06:14 Reply

    Looolz….
    But really not everybody can take it up the arse. I think its biological

  2. Mandy
    January 11, 07:08 Reply

    Hahahahahahahahahahahaa!!! Max, you need Jesus, I swear. Woe betide the man who dates you and falls into any of these categories. visit a babalawo and have a doll made out in his likeness with a pin aimed for the heart…??? *shudder*

  3. Dennis Macaulay
    January 11, 07:17 Reply

    Max wehdone ooo! I caught my shade in two places! My ancestors will answer you in due season!

  4. Mitch
    January 11, 07:47 Reply

    Max, you are not a serious mmadu.

    Number 8 is mostly biological. I mean, he can’t take a D up his ass just like I can’t put my D into an ass.

    BDSM is errythang! Dude, if you’ve never been bound, disciplined, dominated or dominant in bed, OYO is your case.

    And that “I’d have married You if you were a girl” statement is one I get from virtually all my straight friends. I guess its my nurturing instincts that causes it.

  5. Ichie RedEyes
    January 11, 08:16 Reply

    Lmaooo ” If he wants to dive in without, take
    him on a trip to any nearby teaching
    hospital to reset his confused mind ”
    I enjoyed this !

  6. ambivalentone
    January 11, 08:22 Reply

    While this sure is Max, it felt like Max-trying-too-hard. I couldn’t shake that feeling of “Do as I say, not as I do”. Like u can tell EVERYONE u meet u r gay

  7. Wayfaring Stranger
    January 11, 08:50 Reply

    If he says he says “I don’t kiss or suck, I just fuck”, aim your leg up his ass in a flying kick out of your house and life.

    Haha. This guy is hilarious. I’d keep refreshing this page all day long for more comments.

  8. Ruby
    January 11, 08:59 Reply

    I died…….
    Loooooooooooooooool!!!!
    Tho a few rules wouldn’t hurt to implement.

  9. Teflondon
    January 11, 09:09 Reply

    Is this a joke? Surely this must be a poor attempt to make people laugh this morning.. Which I don’t even find amusing.
    When write up like this are posted, i think it’s an insult to the likes of Sensei, Dimpka, Colossus etc that serve us up with thoughtful and brilliant write ups. Write up like this are a insult to the works of Bisi Alimi, Mike Deamon and every Poz guy that write for the blog. Do you think we here to joke? What is this I am reading that people are applauding and cheering. Is this a kiddies blog? Please leave all this childish nonsense for the comment section and don’t serve adults with this on a Monday morning.

    I think the only person that need to be re-evaluated in a psychiatric hospital is the writer of this jagonz.

    • Max 2.0
      January 11, 09:38 Reply

      Is that shit I see smeared up all over your bull dog face?Have you joined the #AsslickingGang?

      Good to know you’re just a mere mortal after all. ??

    • Mandy
      January 11, 09:49 Reply

      What’s this bozo even blathering about? Omo, did last night’s low life not give you the D right? Since when did you purchase this cloth of self righteousness you are now wearing? And would you look at that, you are finally able to bend over and kiss ass like the rest of us. How does Sensei’s and Dimkpa’s asses taste? Ogbeni, if you’re missing your sense of humour this morning, find a couple of stadium pews and take a seat.

    • Delle
      January 11, 10:11 Reply

      Really Tef, like seriously? Did you just play the ‘we-are-not-kids’ card? When you are on a mission to dwindle the IQ of most KDians with your horrible and inarticulated English, something kids can’t achieve? When all you do is make a fuss and throw tantrums and just be negative about almost everything, except of course it involves touts and lowlives and how many straight men you recently ‘converted?’
      So these are the kinda things one should tag ‘mature and relevant’, right? You amaze me. I don’t know how someone can be confidently and so inherently foolish!

      You say the Delles and Mandys are always tailing you and attacking you, well pardon me for wanting to get rid of any Indian feral dog I come across. If you hate a post, keep your spite within. I hear spite and self-frustration are good fat-reducing supplements! Iranu

      • Keredim
        January 11, 11:43 Reply

        Oh well…. Nothing more to add really.

        ????

      • doe
        January 11, 15:30 Reply

        Haba…*places hand on your chest* would you like some cold water?…

        Hehe

  10. Promise4all
    January 11, 09:12 Reply

    ThankGod I chose DM, if not Max for don throw me inside bar beach. My fuckbuddy has a girl friend whom I appreciate for making him give me new styles everytime we fuck. I can even pray for dem to marry and employ me as Househelp when I graduate.

  11. Oturugbeke!
    January 11, 09:18 Reply

    This is way too fake n reaching to appear cool. Tell yourselves the truth how many of us are guilty of the above or hv been at the receiving end. As for Max, I have no words for you… if only you practiced what you preach, because to my knowledge, the Max I know is as hypocritical as the day is night.

  12. Keredim
    January 11, 09:47 Reply

    That was mostly hilarious Max?????????????
    Loved it???

    Does this mean you have left your “better place”????

    I hope not ?

    • Max 2.0
      January 11, 10:02 Reply

      Was never really in a bad place to begin with ??

  13. Dennis Macaulay
    January 11, 09:47 Reply

    Lol some people have no sense of humor!

    Satire darlings!

    Satire!

  14. Dennis Macaulay
    January 11, 09:48 Reply

    Anybody that follows this rule book eh? Just prepare to marry your 200 cats!

    Max is an idiot aswear

    • Max 2.0
      January 11, 10:08 Reply

      Shettup @ Dennis.. ??. I follow the damn rules and things are working out pretty well for me. Thank you??

      • Brian Collins
        January 12, 04:32 Reply

        Oya o, KD people let’s start contributing. We are going to have to buy a truck load of cats for Max 2.0.

  15. Delle
    January 11, 09:51 Reply

    Oh my God! I never believed I’d say this but, I FUCKING LOVE MAX! That was mind-blowingly awesommeeee! *in Christina Aguilera’s voice*
    Fuck anyone who thinks otherwise, what do they know?!

    A guy that tells you to man up and do shii, mehn, Max who would have known you had such Delle spirit in you? Right now, I just know my day would be blissful!
    Thanks dearie.

  16. Kester
    January 11, 09:53 Reply

    Max this was quite funny but it got me thinking. I think you should pray never to fall in love cos if you do you will so forget all these rules, you will be so surprised what shit you can stand when cupids arrow finds it’s mark on your vulnerable heart (believe me I can tell you are such a softie)

      • Pink Panther
        January 11, 10:06 Reply

        You mean like how he softened after he started having sex? 😀

    • Max 2.0
      January 11, 10:15 Reply

      @Kester, I’m in love and those rules are practically nonexistent because I’m not dating some Pussyville-prone religitard cheating ass internalized homophobe. ??.

      So yeah those rules are tailored to get you the perfect man in the gaybourhood. If they default in any of them, dump their ass(or you’ll regret it later) ??. #JustSavedYourAssFromABadBreakUp

      Oh and you’re welcome..

      • Keredim
        January 11, 11:36 Reply

        Ah yes.. The “high” before the “low”
        ??

  17. Dubem
    January 11, 10:02 Reply

    If he tells you he’s a religious person, tell him to join the monastery and stop asking you for sex, since ‘Gad’ is against it.

    LMAO! Max, may Angel Gad-riel visit his wrath on you for your iniquities.

    • Max 2.0
      January 11, 10:28 Reply

      Omg, *quivers**. That is one efficient angel.
      @Pinky, where’s the unicorn bunker, I fear hurricane Gad-riel might be on the lose, he doesn’t take any prisoners you know… ??.

  18. Chizzie
    January 11, 10:03 Reply

    Lool this is my kind of read! And the meme was sooo apt. Thoroughly enjoyed this. Good one!

  19. Dennis Macaulay
    January 11, 10:09 Reply

    Amala should come with a warning;

    Too much Amala will negatively affect your sense of logic and reasoning and will consistently make you spew stupidity!

    • Max 2.0
      January 11, 10:33 Reply

      I hope whoever this was directed to knows he’s the one. ??.. Just a good Samaritan here and adding my own quota to making the gaybourhood a better place. Hello Mushin brethrens.. ??

    • ambivalentone
      January 11, 13:36 Reply

      #sigh You both are jez monkeys. As u ppl wee not let up, my amala eating days are finally over.

    • Max 2.0
      January 11, 10:30 Reply

      I still luh you though… *hugs *

  20. Kester
    January 11, 10:52 Reply

    Aaawwwww I also love max. Waiting for his breakup with his current very perfect bae (would love to know the babalawo he visited to trap max sha) then step in and comfort blah blah blah……
    Pinky I died at your comment……. no wonder max suddenly became mellow. See what a good shag can do. Waiting for when he engages in his first threesome…….
    *OK flees *

  21. Teflondon
    January 11, 10:56 Reply

    KDains never seize to amaze me!
    It’s 2016 and I just have to (painstakingly) rise above this pettiness.
    We all are a year older.. (Some closer to their graves by the minute than we all think) I’m not sorry for expecting more from us all.. Including the blog admin. this childish bickering is so 2015. We need to act (or at least try to act) matured. We are all grown ups. It’s too early in the year to be a nuisance. We are a small sample of the Nigerian gay community.. The world is watching!

    Love you all and have a pleasant day.
    **Hugs**

    • Max 2.0
      January 11, 11:11 Reply

      Love you too dear (blows kisses from 2 miles away). Oh and be careful with the amala like Dennis said. ..

      Cheers.

    • Promise4all
      January 11, 11:28 Reply

      Grow up already and install humour 2.0.16 in your system. You can ask for help incase you lost the link in the upgrade process.
      We love you too. If we dont love you, who will?

      • Keredim
        January 11, 11:42 Reply

        “We love you too. If we dont love you, who will?”

        The lowlifes on his payroll??

  22. bruno
    January 11, 11:51 Reply

    lmao! this is quintessential max.

  23. Khaleesi
    January 11, 11:52 Reply

    ??????????? …???????????…. Maxine!!! Gurll, you’re fucking crazy and i absolutely love you that way! Please never change for anything or anyone!!!

  24. bruno
    January 11, 11:53 Reply

    I’m pretty sure every has had at least half of these experiences though. 🙁

  25. Marc Francis of Chelsea
    January 11, 13:24 Reply

    I do the TB all the time cos I hate that phrase. When anyone says it to me, I respond with “tuberculosis?”

    • Keredim
      January 11, 14:38 Reply

      But they don’t sound the same?

  26. Jamie
    January 11, 13:55 Reply

    Part of this was funny and all but, doesn’t it incite too much violence?

  27. ikhines
    January 11, 14:25 Reply

    I loathe this max guy! But one weird way I laughed after reading this…

  28. Nefretiti
    January 11, 17:52 Reply

    This is really funny *cant stop laffing* the tef guy should just go fuck a transformer ….I hear electricty helps brain cells . I am sure sex with a transformer would change every hating cell in him. 9ce one Max. Lol.

    • Keredim
      January 11, 18:24 Reply

      …did you say “brain cells”??

  29. simba
    January 11, 19:12 Reply

    This was a lovely read…. wow Max….never knew there u got a fun part….Hugs dear

  30. Eddie
    January 12, 08:54 Reply

    I think some rules are a tad unrealistic…I believe pple should be allowed to have preferences. just cos I hate giving oral sex don’t mean I should get my heartbroken na…but I concur with the rules on I. H dudes who want u to man up or get a girlfriend or Wteva sha….just saying

  31. KingBey
    January 13, 09:44 Reply

    Thank you Max. If only this post was made earlier, I wouldn’t have dated the jerk I did last year. But I know better now. And yeah this made me LOL in public.

  32. Timi LEO
    January 13, 22:25 Reply

    chisssuuuuussssss….. i think gone are d days of moses law now

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