THE MESSAGE OF PAIN

THE MESSAGE OF PAIN

It is perfectly human to become emotional, feel hurt, shed a tear every now and then or even curl up and cry your heart out. I perfectly understand because I have had a fair emotional hurt and pain. But even though it is normal and human to feel pain, it is also normal and human for us to NOT WANT to feel pain. We are wired to flee from pain, and with good reason. The one language that even animals considered lower to man understand perfectly is pain. We also perfectly understand pleasure. I have come to believe that the ultimate goal of every pursuit of man is some sort of personal pleasure. We want it so much that we even take substances that induce in us a sense of pleasure and sometimes cannot stop even when the habit becomes destructive. Life is essentially the pursuit of some kind of pleasure, and I daresay, the pursuit of happiness.

I am grateful to be alive. And I have come to understand that life is for everyone a mixture of pleasure and pain. Yes there are some who seem to have more pleasure than pain and there are others who seem to have more pain than pleasure. But everyone has some pain in their lives. There will be some things you want that you do not have in spite of all your passionate wanting and your best efforts. And there will also be some things you have, don’t want and seem to be unable to get rid of. When you encounter these seemingly impossible situations, along with it comes frustration and emotional turmoil. Along with it comes pain. And it is unrealistic to think that you will not have pain. So what becomes important is not just presence pain in your life (because that’s a given) but HOW you handle your pain. Let us keep in mind that my concern here is not physical pain but emotional pain.

So how do we handle our pain? There are so many ways to go about it. Some take to alcohol or other substances. Others take to sex, as much sex as their bodies can handle. Sometimes it is food, lots of it. A lot of the time, it’s anger. Some get angry and lash out at everything and everyone, with a lash so long that it stretches into their future, inflicting pain on every other person they will love, every other person that will come into their lives. This is what we know as emotional baggage. As children, we all start out wanting the best and believing in humanity. But then comes the harsh whip of reality and experience which leaves us with conclusions that are usually lopsided since they were made in an extreme situation; the painful pole which is just one end of reality.

These decisions, like the place where they were made, have no balance in them. They are commonly faulty generalizations and are usually framed thus: All men are… All students are… Human beings are… All women are… etc. Being generalizations, they have a limited applicability. That is why you encounter a student who is nothing like your stereotype, treat him shabbily and destroy the relationship irreparably. We take lessons from our hurtful experiences and these shape our future behaviour. Pain will either make you or break you. The outcome is really a result of how you chose to respond to pain. The final result is a consequence of your own appraisal of the situation and what lessons you chose to extract from it. The responsibility of choice is always yours. But why do we have to feel pain at all? What is the meaning of pain?

To understand the purpose of pain, let’s take the example of persons who cannot feel physical pain. Leprosy is a condition that affects the nerves, making sufferers unable to feel pain on the affected area. Being insensate, they could step on a rusty nail and not notice because there is no pain to bring it to their notice. Sores, burns and wounds go unnoticed and when not tended, could fester, leading to infection and sometimes amputation. This is how some people with leprosy end up with amputated fingers or toes. It is not the illness itself that does that to them but their inability to feel pain.

Pain of every kind is the feedback we receive from our minds and bodies concerning our state of being and well-being. When you stick your hand into a flame, that sharp pain cries: “This is not a good place to be! Take out your hand!” In response, you immediately pull out your hand and preserve your well-being. The message of pain is therefore very clear and it says: Leave this place! This state of being is not good for us! Change location! Do something!

Understood rightly, pain is therefore a friend not an enemy. Nothing seeks to protect your being and your well-being like pain. It is the champion of your safety, the whistle-blower for your protection, the meter of your well-being. When you understand that pain is feedback from your being, you then have to decide what to do with this feedback. You can do any of the things I have listed above or just supress your pain. But suppressed pain is still pain; buried but it is still there. You can be adjusted or maladjusted in your reaction to pain.

What should we do in response to the message of pain? We all do something and have been doing something all our lives about our pain. What have we been doing? Hating yourself will not bring you the healing that you seek. Neither will hating the world or lashing at others. How do you expect to leave your hand in the fire and feel better? Depending on the situation, there is always something that’s the better thing to do. There is a way to migrate from that place of negative emotion.

In handling pain, sometimes you have to change your perspective of the situation. Sometimes your pain is the result of some wrong idea that you are clinging to. There are those who live all their days in painful wanting, desiring for someone to come into their lives, thinking that this someone will make them feel good. But life should have taught you a better perspective. You are the only person you need to be happy. The only person you will always have is you. You need no one but yourself. It will save you from a whole lot of pain. If the only person you need is YOU, then you are certain to always have the only person you need. People will breeze in and out of your life and what you need will remain intact. But believe it’s OKAY to be alone. That way, on you “alone” days, you will still know well-being.

Sometimes you have to forgive someone. Unfortunately, many think that when they forgive, they are doing the other person a favour. Abeg who is it that sleeps at night with a constricted bitter heart? Meanwhile the person you hate is completely oblivious of your hatred and bitterness towards him or her. They are focused on their lives and thinking about their issues while you drag around a weight that darkens your atmosphere and inflicts pain on innocent passers-by. They may have hurt you today but you extend the pain by dragging it into all your tomorrows. YOU extend the pain. Sometimes we struggle too hard, we hold on for too long when the right thing to do is to let go.

The wrong notion could be the thought that people owe you in their choice of words. Most of us think that everyone owes us a debt to only say what is palatable to our hearing and do just that all their lives. I used to think this way also until recently when I learned that this is an unrealistic perspective. The world is filled to the brim and bursting at the seams with annoying people. People will not live their lives based on your demands. On the contrary, they will always live on their own terms, as they see fit, as it should be. Knowing this, you can either lock yourself indoors for the rest of your life or you can stop demanding for people to speak or live according to your rules. Give the freedom of speech you so highly prize to others. Make it okay for them to use their mouths as they will. If they insult you when you do not deserve to be insulted, then what they say has everything to do with who they are and absolutely nothing to do with what you are. It is their bitterness and their headache. Don’t swallow panadol on their behalf. Engaging them in an exchange is nothing but an exchange of bitterness.

Alcohol and sex will not cure your pain. Neither will a new boyfriend or a woman to wed. When you relieve your pain with something external to your being, when that source of relief goes away, all your pain comes back. Fixing your pain with the aid of anything external to your being only works like a local anaesthetic. Soon, it wears off.

The message of pain is a clear scream. LEAVE THIS PLACE! THIS PLACE IS NOT GOOD FOR YOUR WELL-BEING! You can cure yourself of that emotional pain by surrendering that pain-generating perspective. Do some introspection; dig out that idea that lies at the root of your pain. And then surrender it!

Written by Sensei

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54 Comments

  1. Dennis Macaulay
    March 06, 06:54 Reply

    Sensei! You are like the unmarried aunty we go to for counsel when we want to avoid our mummmies ??

    • Francis
      March 06, 08:04 Reply

      ??? Wish I had that kain aunty growing up

  2. Francis
    March 06, 08:02 Reply

    //Abeg who is it that sleeps at night with a constricted bitter heart? //

    This right here is why I let go easily even when shit ain’t my fault, I just end up apologizing. The vex always has a way of making me gasp for air. Like I’m about to pass out.

    Thanks for this reminder once again ?

    • Peak
      March 06, 08:38 Reply

      Honey, you are just not built for the hard stuff, which is what makes all of us different. Some may argue that u have a constricted heart for holding a grudge, but in reality a professional grudge keeper doesn’t feel all that at all. Its all about compartmentalising. You just file everything away in a box. After a while u stop feeling the weight of carrying it around and just wave it off like its nothing everytime it gets brought up. **drops voice into a whisper** The truth of the matter is that it can be addictive. It starts with one, before you know it, you have 10 people that you are holding grudges against and if u dont watch it, the numbers keeps rising. One day, you wake up and find out that the world sees you as a bitter-puple-mary.
      Personally, I think it all boils down to who YOU telling urself WHO you want to be. Some go on and thrive as bitter people with well oiled, functioning hearts with countless burnt bridges. The real question we should ask ourselves is, “is that who I am or want to become”?

      • sensei
        March 06, 10:10 Reply

        There are grudges and there are grudges. For example, let’s say someone said something behind your back or did something behind you back. Petty grudges such as these are easy to file away. But I have seen people, damaged and held down by grudges for decades. Of course we all want to see seen as strong but we all know, that within us, we are weak and broken. A grudge is a negative emotion. People who are skilled at carrying lots of it around are simply people who are skilled at hoarding negative emotion. And like you said, if they are perfectly fine with who they are, who am I to judge?

    • Pink Panther
      March 06, 08:44 Reply

      Oh Francis, you’d be surprised how many functional people there are out there with pockets of grudges sewn shut and filed away for opportunities to address the fuck-up of the victim of their grudge. Never underestimate the power of vindictiveness. Some people want to clear the air so they can carry on breathing clean oxygen. Some others thrive very well in the denseness of carbon dioxide.

    • Max 2.1
      March 06, 11:35 Reply

      I only have grudge against a hand full of people (fewer than 5 actually). The lesser the grudges you carry the better. I’m a happy person, holding too many grudges takes that away from you.

  3. kacee
    March 06, 08:05 Reply

    Wow this is lovely sir *smiling*

  4. Mandy
    March 06, 08:35 Reply

    ‘You are the only person you need to be happy.’
    I get the aim of this sentiment. You can’t find happiness elsewhere if you’ve not first found happiness with you… All you need to be content is you… You matter to yourself first and foremost… Love yourself first before you can be loved by another…
    I get why this You sermon is preached. I get why it’s essential. But some days, some dark depressing days, You doesn’t seem enough anymore. The philosophy of self love and self happiness suddenly seem like cold comfort. The need for someone else, to share, to occupy with someone else overshadows the self.
    How do you handle yourself when the truth you’re facing is that You are the pain to yourself?

    • Pink Panther
      March 06, 08:40 Reply

      There are just so many ways this comment echoes how I feel these days. And it’s starting to be frequent and creep closer, this persistent pain of self.

    • Delle
      March 06, 08:45 Reply

      RuPaul also says, ‘If you can’t love yourself, how in hell are you gon’ love someone else?’ It’s that simple.

      I know what you mean when you say ‘self’ could be the enemy, that barricade to happiness but you’ve got to have a sit-down with self. Talk some sense into ‘self’. If it entails you going for therapy, then take the plunge. Happiness is something one can’t do without, no matter how dispensable you think it is.

      The human body is a conglomeration of so many things, so many facets of life come together to make you whole, one has to be responsible for the horrible feeling you are getting, it’s just natural. And if you eventually find out that piece that’s not in sync with you, cut it off no matter the repercussion. Happiness has no substitute, even the ‘self’ should know that.

    • Peak
      March 06, 09:29 Reply

      About the issue of self love, keep in mind that there is a difference between just loving urself and the pain INDUCED self love. The thing about self love, is that it can be this addictive drug that gets you all wrapped up in urself to give room for other people. A lot of us do that. We have had situations where we go”i love me too much to deal with so so and so person or situation” and walk away. Ruining what might have been a potentially fruitful relationship. So this whole subject is a very tricky one to me. A lot of it rings true. A lil too true that I am having hard time swallowing it cos it sounds a lil too easy and fairytale-ish to me.

      @Mandy, your second paragraph pretty much sums up how I feel about this self love matter.

      • sensei
        March 06, 10:38 Reply

        I love your mind, peak. How you read between the lines.
        We have heard about self-love, spoken of in two ways. One is the way I used it in this article and the other is self-love which is the root of selfishness and conceit. These are different. They way to distinguish them is the effect it has on you and your relationships. Selfishness chases people away. Self-love gives you a healthy sense of self-esteem and a feeling of completeness in yourself. A person with good self esteem (not conceit) will have better relationships.

    • sensei
      March 06, 10:22 Reply

      Thank you, Mandy. We are not necessarily aiming for perfection. If we can make our lives smoother and better, that should be adequate.
      I talked about “pain-generating” perspectives. I find that many have not made it OKAY to be alone. They think to themselves that it is NOT okay to be alone. If you thought it was OKAY to be alone, would you EVER find aloneness depressing? The answer is no. So you see that the effect of being alone has nothing to do with the fact that you are alone but everything to do with YOUR THOUGHT about aloneness. So it would appear that YOU, by choosing this thought, is the source of the pain, NOT the fact that you are alone.
      Apply same to what YOU THINK about yourself. If you ALWAYS thought that you were OKAY, those days when you think that you are not enough would not come.

      And what to do on those depressing days? Tell yourself the hard truth. Right now, I’m alone. It’s either I’m going to cry myself insane or I’m going to laugh hard and live life to the fullest inspite of being alone.
      Is the fact that you are alone enough reason to deprive yourself of happiness and living? Well if you think so, then so it is, at least for you. Still, this you have chosen to think.

      And besides, the greatest loves of our lives were found when we were not actively searching or yearning. They almost always take us by surprise.

      Why don’t you just have fun and let life surprise you?

  5. Delle
    March 06, 08:36 Reply

    So deep. Words were flowing in my innards like body fluids…thanks Sensei.

  6. Peak
    March 06, 08:57 Reply

    Sensei love, brilliant as always. But there are some parts of this article that does not resonate with me in its entirety.
    I don’t think life hands us a manuscript on how 2 handle pain. We just fashion things out as we go along. Some of us get lucky and get it right, the rest of us stumble from one mess to the other trying to get it together.

    A lot of us have learned to embrace our pain cos it keeps us safe, guarded, protected. Cos it serves as a constant reminder of the place we were and how we fought our way out with blood, sweat, tears and sacrifices. Its like battle scars, littered all over our emotional bodies. Telling stories of where we have been , what it took to still remain standing and most importantly why we should be remain alert, guarded so we don’t go back to that place of torture. The after effect of feeling emotional pain is FEAR and you have ur scars as constant reminders even if u tell urself u need to do better and how unhealthy the whole process is. As much as I love this piece and how it is packed with some cold truth, I can’t help but see some part of it as a “feel better song” that is suppose to soothe you for a while and after a few days, you fall back to the same pattern. Putting down ur arms and surrendering is not as easy as you just served it love. That is all I am saying.

    • Pink Panther
      March 06, 09:04 Reply

      Peak, life doesn’t have to be so hard, so riddled with constant vigilance of pain and emotional turmoil, you know? Holding on to those scars isn’t always a guarantee of a better person.
      There is a reason why ‘letting it go’ is often touted as a philosophy of life.

    • Peak
      March 06, 09:17 Reply

      Hahahahahaha. PP I totally get you. The wierd thing is that the topic of emotions and emotional pain is quite complex. The subject is a multi-faceted one. Hell, one can write a thesis from this. So a lot of wrong conclusion can easily be drawn from my lines of argument.

      I was just being philosophical about the above comment, I wasn’t being particularly. Its a general view, because I feel we have all felt varying degrees of pain and react to them differently. The above view is (if I am allowed to say) how the average person react to pain moving forward.

      • Pink Panther
        March 06, 09:20 Reply

        I understand that. And I think Sensei does to. It’s true that life doesn’t provide a set of manuals to guide one on how to get through it. Also true that some people get it right and others make a mess of things.
        But the beauty of life is that for every bruise, there is this instinct to get a balm. And I think that’s what this piece is about: the instinct to provide a balm to the bruises of any who reads and identifies.

        • Peak
          March 06, 10:03 Reply

          *sigh*
          1st of all, I am not questioning the intent of this article, I just think its a very expansive subject, and the writer does have the opportunity to expand his scope to include all the components required by the subject at hand.
          Its meant to serve as a balm? I am not disputing that. But.
          1) Will that girl/guy who was brutally burned and jilted by the love of their lives willingly surrender?
          2) will that scarred kito victim openly trust people? And not think of it multiple times?
          3) Will people who are sensitive 2 rejection and suffered it be brave enough to express it?
          4) Will those who have suffered emotional, mental, psychological etc abuse be willing to surrender?
          5) Will those who have trusted others with their lives, secrets, health, hearts and wealth and got failed big time. In some cases, multiple times be so willing to open up and surrender?

          Yes! One thing I agree with the writer on is that pain tell you that u don’t belong where you 1st foumd it and ur instincts tell u to run. And that is what you do. A lot of us hold on to this pain which fuels our flight. Mind you, I am not justifying this behaviour. I am just pointing out that it’s not that easy. Balm me all you want when I know that by next Sunday, I will be back to walking with a limp.

          Yes! Let it go! But letting it go is another subject all together. And letting go is a personal decision. The writer said that ur pain can either make or break you, and I agree. If u draw strength from it, then by all means. If it makes u toxic amd destroys things around you, then u need several sit downs with urself. At the end of the day, you get to decide.

          • sensei
            March 06, 10:31 Reply

            I did not say you were questioning the intent of the writer. Rather, I was merely pointing out that even though the intent of the writer is clear, it will get perceived differently. It happens here on this blog all the time. One thing gets perceived in a million ways. There is nothing wrong with that. In fact, that’s the normal way life operates.

            Of course one can draw energy from a bitter experience. But what kind of energy? Negative energy? Dark energy? Or the sort of energy that makes you feel light and happy?

            But I agree with you. We all decide. If a person has decided to hold tightly to a pain that’s a source of energy for some pursuit, it’s fine. But have you seen damaged, hurt people? More often than not, they become damagers themselves. Perhaps a testimony to the well of energy they drink from.

            And of course it’s not easy. I understand that totally. That is why just one article is likely to be sufficient to cause change. States of being are not like a storey building that you build in months but can knock down in one day. Self-healing is a journey. But like every journey, it must begin with a step…

    • sensei
      March 06, 10:04 Reply

      “I don’t think life hands us a manuscript on how 2 handle pain. We just fashion things out as we go along. Some of us get lucky and get it right, the rest of us stumble from one mess to the other trying to get it together.”

      I agree. Life does not hand you an manuscript on how to handle pain, neither does it hand you you manuscript on how to do anything. We have been progressing mainly by trial and error. But every question has an answer, the problem is finding it. Of course there is a superior way to do almost everything; easier or faster or better. All we are doing here is just having a conversation, you still get to choose your path. I see you have already done so.

      “As much as I love this piece and how it is packed with some cold truth, I can’t help but see some part of it as a “feel better song” that is suppose to soothe you for a while and after a few days, you fall back to the same pattern.”

      You said you “can’t help but see it as”. There is that which you see it as, and there is that which it was designed to be (by the writer). Who we are and what we are is so intricately interwoven into our perception of everything in our world, including this article. That is why different people will perceive it differently yet it’s the very same article. At some point, it’s no longer about the article but becomes all about you and your choice of perspectives.

      • Peak
        March 06, 15:57 Reply

        “Life does not hand you an manuscript on how to handle pain, neither does it hand you you manuscript on how to do anything”. Nope! I no gree. We have learned in our previous discourse that our minds came into this world as blank slates. We learned good from bad, right from wrong, love and hate, how 2 walk, eat, dress etc. Our instincts were horned in the process and warns us when there is danger. But what we are usually not taught, is how to deal with such dangers. We were not taught how tp deal with pain. That is why a great deal of us are clueless when it comes to dealing with emotions like love, hate, desires, anger, attractions, fear, self esteem issues etc. Do you get my drift?

        “You still get to choose your path. I see you have already done so.” Lol aren’t we being rather 2 presumptuous here padre. ?

        • sensei
          March 06, 17:20 Reply

          But we are saying the same thing na? No difference.
          Of course you have already chosen a perspective. It is what you are writing na?

  7. Francis
    March 06, 09:20 Reply

    @Peak et PP: ??? Well I just hope I have none of such pipul in my circle of friends. I don’t trust such pipul at all. No be my matter dem go release one day when them don reach breaking point.

    I don’t have qualms with peeps telling me I’m a mess or whatever. I can handle it

  8. Tony Odekunle - Brown
    March 06, 10:01 Reply

    I love this!

    I agree 100%.

    Its funny because this post describes something similar I am going through right now. A lot of times we feel entitled and we NEVER make excuses for the other side. It’s easier to always forgive, move on and leave the baggage behind.

    Amazing piece! Two thumbs up

  9. sensei
    March 06, 10:57 Reply

    If we allow pain change us, we have gone from who we are to what the world has made us. I don’t know if that is always a bad thing or sometimes a good thing.

    Let us take a hint from our bodies. The only thing that should follow pain is healing. When that doesn’t happen, there is a problem.

  10. Vhar.
    March 06, 11:03 Reply

    When we encounter a friend who’s depressed or afraid, we automatically try to take that distress away and to cheer the person up. While we may be operating with the best of intentions, this band-Aid approach only reinforces the condition. I believe unless people experience their pain completely and begin to understand it, they will not only fail to overcome it, they’ll also lose the opportunity of using it to advance their own growth.

    Pain can get you somewhere, and that somewhere can be a life-enhancing experience. We all tend to forget that pain can signal change. Alleviating the symptoms of pain in someone, without helping them to get at its underlying source, robs them of self-exploration. It’s also a way of placating and reinforcing the person’s need to cave in and succumb to another.

    And sometimes the best and worst times of our lives can coincide. It is a talent of the soul to discover the joy in pain – thinking of moments you long for, and knowing you’ll never have them again. The ghosts of actions-desires past haunt us, and yet we still can’t decide if the pain they caused us out weighs the tender moments when they touched our soul. This is the irony of love.

    • sensei
      March 06, 11:13 Reply

      I totally agree, Vhar. That’s what this articl was about, understanding pain, deciphering it. You say when people want to cheer someone up, it only reinforces the situation. How then can you explain the countless number of times, when people speak about some painful period of their lives, that people say, “I want to say a big thank you for so, so and so for being there”?
      The comfort a friend provides only feels cold when you are not ready to move on. But what makes a person ready to move on? Sometimes it’s the presence of a friend, who is willing to listen to you, let you unburden so you can feel light, that keeps telling you gently that you will be alright. A lot of times, that’s what induces a state of readiness to let go.
      But I agree, many of us even you perhaps, are guilty of this band-aid approach. Perhaps we should learn to soak in the situation thoroughly before opening our mouths. That would help.

    • Peak
      March 06, 15:39 Reply

      Vhar thank you. Depression is a type of pain, and I tell people that depression is like a virus. You cant cure it. You allow it to run its course while you hold on to ur senses and life while it ravages its way through ur system.

      @Sensei “How then can you explain the countless number of times, when people speak about some painful period of their lives, that people say, “I want to say a big thank you for so, so and so for being there”?” Sharing is SIGNIFICANT form of pain management. It gives you a chance to unburden urself. It takes some of the pressure brought on by the pain off one’s shoulder but doesn’t necessarily take away the pain. Getting heart broken, being betrayed or suffering a let down is some of the emotional pains we face in our daily lives. A lot of us talk to our friends and family about it. Some of us even cry. All these is just a way 2 vent, let off steam, but it does nothing as regards taking away the pain. I personally think we should learn 2 process our pain. Unresolved pains and carrying around is the major pollutant, not the pain itself. A rape victim who has not been able to reconcile and resolve the traumatic experience would never find peace and happiness. The real question is how does one do that? Don’t even bother telling “Letting go” cos that pill doesn’t work on everybody.

      • sensei
        March 06, 17:39 Reply

        But I spent the last paragraphs talking about HOW to let go na?

      • sensei
        March 06, 17:46 Reply

        Well, emotions can certainly be handled and controlled. There are principles which can be used to do so effectively. Therapists have even made an occupation from teaching people those principles.

  11. chuck
    March 06, 11:18 Reply

    Are any of these classes about pain scientific? Or are these generalizations from Sensei’s life/ experiences?

    • Sam La'Smithereens
      March 06, 11:58 Reply

      @chuck, I love that you are intelligent and come against (some) people with reason.

      And I’m sorry I have to take this generic route, but how about you pen a piece and educate us with all things science and facts?

      Till you do that, not all the time, counter. Sometimes, sit in the front row and listen to the teacher.

      Thank you.

      • chuck
        March 06, 14:30 Reply

        I wrote once. It was rejected for being controversial. it’s easier to put my thoughts in the comments than write a piece that is unpublished.

        • Pink Panther
          March 06, 16:07 Reply

          I dismissed something from you on the grounds of controversy??? What was it please that you wrote about? I’d like to know when I started becoming conservative.

          • Francis
            March 06, 16:09 Reply

            Nna eh, the thing had me wondering what could be so sacrilegious that PP wouldn’t post it.

            • Pink Panther
              March 06, 16:21 Reply

              Everyone who knows me knows I court controversy in the things I publish on my blogs. The only thing I could ever say no to is any piece that is either too badly written that even I cannot salvage it, or is a Christian-bashing piece that came at a point when i felt the topic was overflogged, or a piece that is just plain mean, antagonistic or cruel to any of the communities of the LGBT umbrella.
              Look at me that is even hankering for something from chuck. I remember including the request in a post. But then again, I know I can be very forgetful sometimes, so perhaps I have forgotten when said exchange took place between me and him. So I’d really genuinely love to know what he wrote about and the circumstances surrounding my rejection.

              • chuck
                March 06, 16:27 Reply

                It was about gay men who are married to unsuspecting women.

                • Pink Panther
                  March 06, 16:28 Reply

                  Still doesn’t ring a bell. There must be a correspondence, I suppose. Via mail? Could you send it to me?

                • Pink Panther
                  March 06, 16:57 Reply

                  And I just saw it. Lol. Chai. People will sha say anything to make the admin look bad.

                  • chuck
                    March 06, 19:34 Reply

                    Have I misrepresented what you told me? You turned my piece down because you “were tired of what now seems to be an agenda against gay men” and you didn’t want to “chase that readership of(sic) the blog”.

                    Controversial means ” of, relating to, or characteristic of controversy, or prolonged public dispute, debate or contention; polemical”

                    Therefore, a piece that you feel contributes to an agenda against a group of people is controversial. Do you disagree?

    • sensei
      March 06, 12:10 Reply

      It is possible they are generalisations from Sensei’s life experience. And for that reason, he welcomes everything, including outright rejection of the article.

    • sensei
      March 06, 17:43 Reply

      Meanwhile, read up on cognitive behavioral therapy, one of the most researched, most effective forms of psychotherapy. Read about the relationship between thoughts, feelings and behavior. When you have done that, you’ll realize this article was based on the principles of cognitive behavioral therapy. Cheers.

  12. Philips Francis
    March 06, 14:14 Reply

    Sensei dz is a lovely piece hun?
    Uhm….I’ll really like you guys to help answer this.
    the only pain in my life is the ‘hole’ created in my heart by my ex (my only real boyfriend), it’s over a year and we occasionally talk as ‘friends’ but I’m still empty. I became a hoe, I tried getting into new relationships, I tried acting tough and suppress the pain, I became a sadist, I became a shadow of my self, I stopped all communication with him thinking I’ll forget about that way
    I’ve tried all I can think of and I’m still lonely and bitter
    what could I possibly do that I’ve not done?
    Ike agulam!

    • Francis
      March 06, 15:46 Reply

      Trying forgiving your ex for real. That shit is hard BUT totally worth it in the end IMO.

    • sensei
      March 06, 17:33 Reply

      He left you and you think that bad. But you see, people should be able to leave relationships when they want to. And that freedom is good. People leave relationships not because they are evil but because it’s not working for them anymore. That’s how it is and I think it’s okay.
      The only way to release yourself is to release him. Make it OKAY that he left. When you do that, you neutralize this wrong thing that happened. It goes from something wrong to something ok.

  13. Peak
    March 06, 17:42 Reply

    So I am going to put this out there. this post and discourse reminded me of a KDian today (A-non). We haven’t seen him around these parts for a mighty long time

    A-NON if you are reading this, it would be nice if you show up and say hello. We’d like to know you are doing ok. Ronnie pheonix, You too. I’d like to know Y’all are well.

    Thank you.

  14. Geeluv
    March 06, 18:41 Reply

    The message is indeed a perfect one for people like Mua…. I don’t just know how to handle my pains the right way…. most times I just do things I’ll latter regret… I’ll learn to always dig out those ideas that lies at the root of my pains and DATCH them…

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