THE OPEN LOVE LETTERS: Entry 3

THE OPEN LOVE LETTERS: Entry 3

Dear You

Last night was very hard. Actually, it wasn’t all of last night. I woke up by 2am to a night that was breathing peacefully. It felt like something had awakened me. I wondered what that was for a moment, until I looked up at the ceiling and saw the dying wave of the fan; NEPA had just taken the light. That must be the reason why I’d been awakened.

I knew, with the certainty of an insomniac, that I would never go back to sleep. So I reached for my phone next to me, and swiped it on. There was an accumulation of notifications and I began checking them off, one after the other. I clicked open my Blackberry Messenger, and the first thing that confronted my bleary gaze was the display picture change of my cousin. The picture was of him, his wife and his son. All three of them were huddled close to each other and beaming at the camera. They looked. . .

Happy.

They looked so happy. So complete. Such a unit.

And for some reason, this upset me. I felt a rustling in my soul, one very familiar when the vortex of darkness inside me is stirred. I was baffled, panicked in my confusion. It wasn’t as though I wanted a wife or was ready for a child. Why then would these beaming faces upset me so?

Then I realized that it was because their apparent happiness underscored my brooding unhappiness.

This realization was startling, and for several moments, I lay there, not knowing what to do with it. Life may be good, love may abound in my life at every turn, laughter may be abundant – a blessing of loved ones – but at the core of me, I could now see that I was . . . unhappy. Dissatisfied. Yearning.

Before You came along, I had my life ordered, my resolutions made and my future reconciled. As a gay man with no intention of ever getting married to a woman, I knew I was set to walk a lonely road. And I had made my peace with it.

There’ll be no real love in your life, but that’s alright, I told myself. And I truly believed it.

Then You happened into my life, and wrecked my priorities. You brought down my order, and You shone a glimmer of hope into my future. I dared to believe, to need, to yearn. I saw promises and envisioned possibilities. These so strong, that even after You were gone, I didn’t stop believing. I couldn’t stop believing.

But where once those possibilities stretched, a flourish of gardens by the roadside of the journey to the future, now they are cold and concrete, jarring every footfall and seeping disillusionment into my system.

And that is why as I looked at the bright faces of my cousin and his family, the completeness they seemed to exude skewered through me to my soul, to that centre of truth that no amount of self love can reach – that I have been left with wanting what I’m no longer sure I can have.

There is much work to be done, I realize, to get me back to the man I used to be. I know this, and yet I ask myself: Is that man truly who I want to be?

I remain Yours Sincerely

Me

Written by Pink Panther

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18 Comments

  1. Delle
    December 17, 07:23 Reply

    Awww this was quite deep.

    Funny thing is I’ve never once envied any heterosexual couple.

    PP you need a bae. And fast too.

    • Mandy
      December 17, 07:35 Reply

      Let’s make it our Mission 2017, Delle. Get Pinky a bae. This damage from his ex should start scarring already so healing can come.

      • Delle
        December 17, 08:19 Reply

        It’s about time, Mandy! Someone needs to pack the trash outside and dispose of it forever!

        • Colossus
          December 18, 21:47 Reply

          An ex doesn’t equal thrash you know?

  2. Mandy
    December 17, 07:33 Reply

    The words of a broken heart now on the mend. This is beautiful.

  3. ambivalentone
    December 17, 08:53 Reply

    I really ain’t getting things. What do gay men want really? Mi o ka oko si e l’orun o, but seriously, what are you looking for Pinky? What are your…dates/relationships looking for? I think gay guys shud really start avin moments of deep reflection

    • Drone
      December 17, 09:16 Reply

      They really should.

      We really should.

    • Delle
      December 17, 10:36 Reply

      It may seem like we are confused as to what we want for ourselves on the long run as gay men. But I still believe it all has to do with the environment we find ourselves in. Priorities have been displaced which can only be aligned when we finally are in tune with who we are in respect to the society we live in.
      These things go hand-in-hand.

  4. Bain
    December 17, 08:56 Reply

    tears fall….love will find you…u sound like u deserve it…

  5. Chandler B.
    December 17, 12:29 Reply

    This is too much of a coincidence. This past week had me going through exactly the same thing and thoughts. I only just started smiling again yesterday.

    After feeling all I felt the past few months I’m asking myself if I really want to go back to the man I was before: unemotional, distant, lonewolf, content with being perpetually single.

  6. Haiku
    December 17, 14:52 Reply

    I never realized how terrible a person I was till now. Find the ex and burn him like they did witches then.

  7. Nel
    December 17, 18:48 Reply

    Awww.

    In search of love. But the scare of heartbreak.

    Another reason to be #HappySingle – if there’s anything like that. *sobs*

  8. Tobee
    December 18, 06:59 Reply

    I know the feeling of making peace with the ‘lonely’ life ahead…

  9. Icarus
    December 18, 17:30 Reply

    Being 17 and gay this has got me thinking about the long road ahead.

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