Every time I think about 2015 and I remember how my heart stayed shattered for all of that year, I find myself wondering for the umpteenth time how I managed to heal and move on from that pain.
I met You. And I fell absolutely and completely in love with You. You came into my life and rearranged everything. Made me hope for things I didn't use to hope for. Made me dream of things I didn't use to dream of. You made a future, our future, look real, alive. I didn't want children. Never have. You did. And because I could only see my future with You in it, I began to want kids. I wanted to raise kids with You.
You gave my life a kind of magic, one I’d never had before.
And then You walked out of my life, and for a year, I did not know how to carry on. In that year, I came to learn that heartbreak is as crushing an ailment as malaria or typhoid or cancer. It is paralyzing. It is debilitating. And it is worse than any physical illness because one cannot just medicate it away.
I can't remember how many times I cried at night when I was alone in bed. Or quantify my desperate grief every time I called You to beg You to take me back. My emotions were constantly all over the place. Sad. Angry. Tortured. Betrayed. Miserable. Infuriated. And then some.
And no matter how many times friends told me to let go, to walk away from You, I couldn't. I really couldn't. I just couldn't. Seriously, I couldn't. I didn't know how. You were causing me pain and I couldn't walk away. It was crazy. I remember a friend who told me that the best way to get over an ex is not to stay friends, but to cut him off. Phone number. Social media contacts. Everywhere. Just delete, delete, delete. He was telling me what to do, and the thought of doing that filled me with panic. Like seriously, what? Delete Your number? Unfriend You on Facebook? Unfollow You on instagram? Never talk to or chat with You again? Is my friend crazy? The mere thought of never holding on to You, this one person who was bleeding my heart drove me insane.
It was a mess. I was a mess. I was such a mess, I sabotaged three attempts at dating other guys. I was such a mess, I made You, my ex, the standard upon which other guys would never measure up to.
It was crazy.
2015 was just the worst year emotionally. It spilled over into 2016. When I spent the Christmas of 2016 in Abuja, I knew I had to see You. Look You in the eye and try to get some closure. I remember telling my best friend about going to see You and he chuckled, like he thought my seeing You was about wanting more. But I didn't want more. Or maybe I did. My main objective though was to look one final time into the eyes of the man who made and marred me.
So I came to see You. We talked. We laughed. We hung out in a restaurant and had a fine meal. And we talked some more. By the time we parted ways, my heart was finally saying goodbye.
And as if the universe wanted to emphasize that point, my laptop crashed soon after and I lost most of my stuff. Pictures. Documents. Videos. Music. And a folder filled with lots and lots of Your pictures and our pictures together.
Someone helped me recover most of the things I lost, but not that folder. The folder was gone. All those pictures – gone. All the evidence of the memories we made – gone.
The universe was telling me something, and I listened and obeyed. Finally, I did what my friend advised me to do. I went delete, delete, delete. And as I erased You from my life, I felt something shift inside me. Whether for better or for worse, I didn't know.
What I knew was that I needed the space in my heart to accommodate love whenever and in whomever I found it again.
But whatever may be…
I remain Yours Sincerely
Written by Pink Panther