RANTINGS OF A RANDOM (Gay) NIGERIAN: Pilot Entry

RANTINGS OF A RANDOM (Gay) NIGERIAN: Pilot Entry

Hello, my name is Dennis Macaulay. And I want to introduce you to an as-yet unnamed series that I will be writing here on Kito Diaries in the New Year. This is something I have wanted to do for some time, but I’d always second-guessed my writing skills. PP supported the idea and I decided to go ahead with it.

What to expect? (Please do not roll your eyes yet) Random thoughts and musings based on the things that happen daily as part of my chaotic life. It will not be fiction; it will be more like a diary, even though some things will be tweaked a bit where necessary to conceal identities. I will be sharing a lot of my opinions (which I must warn are usually unpopular), my daily experiences and the things I have learnt in my old age of 28 (okay, that was tongue-in-cheek).

What I ask of you is to keep an open mind while you read each journal. Even for the “one” that thinks it’s another product of my overactive imagination, just be nice and spare me the vitriol please. To my friends who will have to be included sometimes? I apologize beforehand (feel free to beat me up during pizza nights). To the one who will find my writing a bore-fest, I apologize ahead too.

Let me finally state that I am not a “writer writer” like some people here, so also pardon me if you don’t find it Chimamanda-ish. Also seeing that it’s about my real experiences, there are times it may come off as show-offy, at least there will be other stuff PP will post that you can enjoy.

I hope you will find it worth your while weekly.

xoxo

*Dennis Macaulay is an alien ship wrecked on earth and trying to figure out humans……LOL

Print Friendly, PDF & Email
Previous Eminem Admits To Being Gay in Sony's 'The Interview'
Next Werk it, gurl – Oh wait, that’s Kris Jenner's man!

About author

You might also like

Series (Non-Fiction) 24 Comments

MUSING WITH DARLENE: MOTHER SUPREME

The journey of my realization that I was different, had different sexual desires, began when I was aged 10, when a drugstore attendant who managed a pharmacy in my area

Print Friendly, PDF & Email
Series (Non-Fiction) 52 Comments

THE HOOK-UP STORY III

To catch up on previous episodes of the Hook-Up Stories, click HERE and HERE. * One of the problems of being single and with a high libido that you have

Print Friendly, PDF & Email
Series (Non-Fiction) 116 Comments

RANTINGS OF A RANDOM (Gay) NIGERIAN (Entry 7)

I had a really long day and I just wanted to get home and pass out. The demon that is Port Harcourt traffic had other plans for me, as nearly

Print Friendly, PDF & Email

82 Comments

  1. simba
    December 27, 04:42 Reply

    Ohhhh… Mrs M, must edit and approve before before going to print oo… now crosses legs with a bowl of garri and egusi.

  2. Micky
    December 27, 04:49 Reply

    I personally can’t wait to get an insight to what your life looks like.. I’ve been an admirer of your person for a long time (Not the dirty kind pls o before a certain Mrs M makes her legendary Cameo appearance). That said, am I the only one who spotted a Chizzie sub????? That’s all….

  3. Peak
    December 27, 05:33 Reply

    Ok! 2015 is smelling like a good year already!

    Who ever knew that dennis’s sarcastic ass could come across so humble?

    Bros don’t bother begging, KD boys will come 4 u and I am here 4 all the shredding, especially from a certain DL groupie. U are like a celeb here, Ur groupie list is stretched out like an admission list of a prestigious university. Half the bitches here wants Mrs M’s spot or wanna be her, some folks think u are one spoilt-big-baby, some think you are too vain (I belong in that list), some think u ve been brain washed by the demons (I think they should be scheduled 4 a visit to see our senssie) some think u are forming cliques on KD, some think u are a troublemaker, some just ve home wrecking tendencies and sooooooooooooo on! So yeah! Its gonna be a must read.

    ” Our dear dennis will be taking some serious heat”.

    Just ordered a jumbo pop corn bowl to accomodate my pop corns and a very comfy couch.

    @Pinky I think we are about to witness the ratings shoot up, a producer’s dream. *sigh*

    Dennis I am in full support, just make it juicy enough to make me want to get off my lazy ass and throw in some fire when the heat is dying down.

    • Dennis Macauley
      December 27, 06:43 Reply

      But I have never denied the fact that I am vain!

      And quite frankly most of us are;

      What did Jesus say again about having no sin and casting stones?

      Colosus? Anyone?

      • Colossus
        December 27, 12:10 Reply

        And you’re calling me because? Well, I don’t know, was not there when Jesus said it. You should be calling gad or lord.
        About you’re upcoming series, kudos. I’ll be looking forward to them. I know it would be a mixture of fact and fiction but please let the fiction not over shadow the facts.

    • Stickysly
      December 27, 07:08 Reply

      Peak, your summary of the generality of KD readership evaluation of the DM personality is spot on.

      Where I fall? I won’t say.

      Let’s see DM write.

      The comments section is going to be real fun to observe.

    • Peak
      December 27, 08:51 Reply

      Hahaha! dennis boy, I ve a couple of things I ve come to associate u with, but being a chicken has never been one of them.so don’t go changing. all I ve to say to u @ this point “buckle up 4 safety child”

      We ve not had our 1st write up and I can see all shapes and sizes of knives, drillers, saw

      hmmm A chainsaw massacre in the making

      My dream 2015 KD would be complete if King (Lord II) decides to ve an online diary Too. Aaaaah that would be a horror movie haven! The blood bath in the comment section would be epic.

    • Max
      December 27, 07:05 Reply

      Hahahaha.. It’s such a relief to know you’re not.. phew!!

  4. Ace
    December 27, 07:34 Reply

    There is no need saying that this new addition
    to KD would be a huge success for the most part being … it is freaking DM! The DM that has hooked up with virtually every hot Naija guy and is the unofficial directory for Rainbow express? The same DM that is snagging a Mechanic/ Doctor/ neurosurgeon/ bouncer / some random hot guy / (Fill in whatever you want here)? The same DM that knows all there is to know about medical services provided to LGBT people in Nigeria? The same DM that draws allusion from his personal life to every story shared on this blog? Oh my! While we have to wait for other series to be published fortnightly or monthly, DM can successfully publish hourly from his ever endless pool of experience(s).

    I am so freaking happy, the comment section was never enough for this guy. It will indeed be a juicy read.

    • Dennis Macauley
      December 27, 07:58 Reply

      This comment has me wondering if the series is a good idea after all!

    • Peak
      December 27, 08:36 Reply

      Ace I saw what u did there! Lol……. Carry on

    • Team
      December 27, 09:17 Reply

      Spot on ace! Like we haven’t had enough of his opinionated all figured out well calculated self on the comments section already…really don’t know how someone can be so full of himself

    • chestnut
      December 27, 10:00 Reply

      “Neurosurgeon” bawo? Hian Ace…lol

    • pinkpanthertb
      December 27, 10:09 Reply

      My goodness. This comment is drenched, marinated and shaded with every brand of sarcasm. Ace, youd make an interesting commenter to watch out for in DM’s series 🙂

    • Ace
      December 27, 12:42 Reply

      Oh dear! I forgot to add “No shade” at the end. Is it too late? You know I love you DM, huh?

      • pinkpanthertb
        December 27, 12:45 Reply

        Too late. We’re already experiencing an eclipse of the sun from that your comment 😀

  5. Lord II
    December 27, 07:39 Reply

    The part about the series being “true” excites me. Not such a great fan of fiction especially when I know facts can be more exciting than any ‘story for the gods’. Go Dennis….spill but not all biko….save some for just you and d ‘mrs’.

    • Absalom
      December 27, 07:42 Reply

      Because they are trying to have a baby, right? #Spill

      • B.A.D
        December 27, 07:46 Reply

        Can I be d godfather? 😀 😀 😀 ill name him Chizzie :p

  6. B.A.D
    December 27, 07:44 Reply

    lawd! the shade!

    But truly I thought u were in ur late 30’s too.
    Sha let d posts b interesting, fun & sexual, VERY sexual & I’m alrdy dying at d thought of d ultra bitchy comments Chizzie will b leaving 😀

    *Dennis Macaulay is an alien ship wrecked on
    earth and trying to figure out humans*
    Nice 🙂

  7. B.A.D
    December 27, 07:49 Reply

    Hian
    All d thirst on KD diz days.

    Also, d more I think abt dis title “The Pilot Entry”, d more sexual it sounds. Right now I want a pilot entr(y/ies) sooo bad.

  8. FKA Chizzie
    December 27, 08:23 Reply

    Dennis…don’t you think this is a bit sad. especially for a 28yr old grown man. ? For starters I don’t see how anyone who is gainfully employed would even fathom the idea of having an online diary or the time for that matter, James I can forgive because he is still a student…you on the other hand are “presumably” employed. And u said this is something uv had in mind for a while? wow.

    If u had as much as a life as u claim here the last thing on your mind would be something as petty as hosting an online dairy. .

    I am more convinced now than ever, dt your life in real life is really lame, and you are trying so hard here to appear cool..or whatever and some ppl seem to be buying it, but I’m not.. its a classic case scenario – Cool online but irrelevant in real life.

    I hope u do not go on with this diary cause its going to be really embarrassing on ur part!

    • Dennis Macauley
      December 27, 08:36 Reply

      Sweetheart you are so predictable!

      Thanks all the same!

      ***kisses***

    • Eros
      December 27, 08:42 Reply

      Yes oooo!!! The Queen has arrived. I was waiting for her to show. And day is not complete on KD without a diva off between DM and Chizzie *buys enough popcorn and fanta to last for 2015*

  9. Kristopher B
    December 27, 08:41 Reply

    Oh shut up Chizzie! Do choke on your own bile. Stop trying to be the nasty personality just to attract 5secs of fame to yourself! You’ve got such a great life but also comment on every post too? Not every1 has a rigid, hard ass life like you. Stop sounding all negative, because you are obviously reliving your life’s shortcommings on others! Please cut the crap bro. CHANGE!
    Dennis, i commend you for taking out time to write. But be warned, with time it can get boring. Hopefully we all can get to learn a thing or 2 to make us smarter.

    • Peak
      December 27, 08:55 Reply

      Topher B! Guy Chop knuckle!

    • FKA Chizzie
      December 27, 09:10 Reply

      riigght. I’d rather be all of the above than a typical someone who’s stanning for an online character that they haven’t even met. Can u not be gullible to see that just cause someone professes relavance on the internet doesn’t mean they are . Are u 12 or something? Surely you should have the common sense to know that not everyone or thing u come across on the internet is genuine – Or do u not have one? common sense, that is

    • Peak
      December 27, 11:17 Reply

      The funny thing about the internet is “it host an interesting place called KD”, where we can live out our fantasies, play pretend and create our own make believes. Every major commenter from Gad, chestnut, deola, lord II, Max, A-non etc all exhibit peculiarity in their style of writing and views about life which we subconsiously attach personalities to. DM happens to do just that too.
      Aside from the education, entertainment, One of the major reasons I frequent KD, is to get my laff on, and the comment section does that 4 me.
      No one is stanning for anyone, if some of us haven’t been too busy basking in the haze of hate, we would ve notice a number of comments telling DM to prep himself for bashing ahead.

      Speaking of common sense! When u spend excessive energy trying to prove how someone is always trying to show how cool he is by making up stories of a supposed “fabulous life” to cover up how “bitter, irrelevant they are and how they “don’t ve a life”. The question that automatically comes to my mind is “U are so busy having a life that u always Have time to spill hate and tear other ppl while ur tongue is fully lodged in DM’s butt hole?
      Forgive me if I appear slow, but Is that what “having a life” means these day?

      Yeah! I get it now #commonsense!

      • pinkpanthertb
        December 27, 11:46 Reply

        LOL! Common sense comes in all shapes and sizes apparently, Peak.

      • Lothario
        December 30, 09:33 Reply

        I’m curious….. what’s stanning??

    • xpressivejboy
      December 27, 18:05 Reply

      Thanks, Kristopher.

      Chizzie, I’ve always had issues with your growth; were you a midget in your former existence? Let me spell it out to you…GROW UP!!!
      You need to drop certain things and they’re a drum full.
      Wake up to reality, you need a Shrink.

  10. Dennis Macauley
    December 27, 09:07 Reply

    At the end of the day not everybody will like you, so it’s fine! I can live with that!

    He could be right though, I could be fat, short, old, really ugly, unemployed and living on my mother’s couch! LOL

    Come to think of it, Chestnut writes frequently, JBoy writes a series and Pink Panther (the literary queen) writes two blogs (which caters to different audiences), writes several series on the two blogs and constantly churns out works of ficiton. These people all have high flying jobs.

    There is something called multitasking, but then again if you cannot do something your brain convinces you that no one else can. So it’s often surprising to see someone who tries to do it.

    Enjoy your holidays guys

    ***off to write the first entry***

    • JArch
      December 27, 09:34 Reply

      GOOD LAWD!!!! It’s as if you were in my head DM.

      After reading Chizzie’s comment, am like is this child for real.

      Everyone who has studied Richard Branson’s life in-depth, knows that to let of steam from running the Virgin group, he writes and blogs his thoughts and experiences.

      If a man who owns and runs a fortune-500 company almost daily or weekly. Why can’t DM.

      All these Chuck Bass wannabe… Hope you do remember that Gossip girl is fiction.

      Chizzie if you’re reading this, please grow the fuck up and understand the concept of Time Management. If you’re so gainfully employed as you claim, that concept should not be new to you. But judging from your obviously mediocre battered with low-self esteem comment. You’re obviously at the bottom of your profession’s pecking order (if there’s even one sef)

      • Kel
        December 27, 13:25 Reply

        That was too harsh,JArch.Though he asked for it.

    • Lord II
      December 27, 09:38 Reply

      Ouch!!! Now someone please open d blinds pleeeeaaaaaazze!!! This shade was too dark!!

    • victor
      December 27, 09:43 Reply

      I’m so ready my belove,keep churning them out, I just wish gad or lord would follow suit so we could get how it is for a married christian gay man after a shag cos like it or not most of us would go that part some day, love u dennis (no homo)

      • Absalom
        December 27, 10:06 Reply

        Hahaha. “No homo”? Are you straight?

      • JArch
        December 27, 10:59 Reply

        Abs and pinky…. I too saw that…. at first its ok to feel disgusted, but if you took a step back, you’d see he said so with no bad intention…. wrong place and wrong time.

        Meanwhile Vic, please note that “no homo” is a derogatory term used by butch straight guys to express their love for each other while bashing gay people in the same sentence.

        So saying “no-homo” here on a gay blog is quite insulting. I know you meant well and you were not trying to insult DM, but please choose your words and phrases carefully next time.

      • Absalom
        December 27, 11:24 Reply

        LOL. I was just teasing, though. “No homo” sounded…odd here! ^_^

      • Max
        December 27, 11:57 Reply

        oh honey we’re gonna forgive you for that slip of tongue. This is a gay friendly blog for gay people. Nohomo is a derogatory term here.

    • chestnut
      December 27, 09:53 Reply

      Choi! See as Dennis wan take bring my leg outside today! What do I have to do with any of this? U want these people to finish me today! Lol
      On a serious note though,I aint even gonna lie, I spend so much time on this blog cos my real life is soooo lame and boring; reading/commenting here adds some spice to my day and makes me smile.but chizzie,that doesn’t mean that everyone else who comments here regularly has a lame/boring life. It literally takes less than 60 seconds to type the average comment!
      Dennis, I’m sure u knew already,that some ppl will like it,and some ppl won’t. If u’re gonna continue,I suggest u man-up and go thru with it.u just gotta grow a thick(er) skin…or perhaps don’t read d comments altogether? Anyway, I hope u don’t back out; I’m looking forward to reading the series (and the comments,lol).

      • chestnut
        December 27, 10:10 Reply

        Hahaha! Aww,c’mon Dennis, u know it’s all love. There will be sweet and sour comments but they won’t break u.

      • JArch
        December 27, 10:13 Reply

        Lol Chestie dear we all lead boring lives and have jobs that kick ass (In a not so good way)

        Even the champagne life gets boring-to those who live it -after a while

        Ps: I endorse your comment. DM should definitely write and develop an even thicker skin for what’s to come when he does

  11. Samaurai
    December 27, 09:38 Reply

    FKA Chizzie, stating the obvious doesn’t make you appear witty or appear to have common sense. Every frequent user of the Internet (mainly, online social media) has that realisation that every other Internet user has an online personality and an off-line personality both of which might be convergent or divergent.

    How long does it take to think about writing an online journal? How long does it take to actually write and maintain an online journal? Even for a 24-hour day, you have 8 standard working hours. And you have 16 more hours left. Or you’re trying to say that for someone to be classified as having a busy life means that he must do no other thing outside his work? If DM decides to develop writing journals as his hobby, he isn’t allowed to explore that interest just because he “claims” to have a “busy” life. Even if he works 24-hour days during the week, what happens to Saturdays and Sundays?

    You are always antagonistic to any- and everything on this blog. Sometimes, the antagonism is on point and at other times it is so uncalled for. It is either you do it just for the fun of being a “Devil’s Advocate” or it denotes a deep-seated psychological issue. I just hope it is the former and not the latter. This is because having to project your self-loathing and self-rejection on other people, whether you do it deliberately or you do it when under the control of some certain external forces is very distasteful. And you might really need some help to get yourself out of the rut.

    Count your teeth with your tongue – so an Igbo adage says.

    • Lord II
      December 27, 10:48 Reply

      Haba Samurai have you asked whether some have the teeth that is to be counted!? After all we use our hands not our mouths to write and d way some of us write here for all you know we might not have the ‘teeth’ sef!

  12. JArch
    December 27, 09:43 Reply

    Nothing wrong with being pegged as old you know, I think you should see it as a compliment sef

    Remember that saying about old wine hehehe

  13. pinkpanthertb
    December 27, 10:48 Reply

    I laugh, really I do, whenever I see chizzie’s inference that one who runs an online journal must be unemployed. I guess by that supposition, I have got to be just one big jobless specimen mingling with the rest of humanity, seeing as I’ve been operating one blog since 2012 and this one since April. Darn! Joblessness must be a career for me.

    • Dennis Macauley
      December 27, 11:11 Reply

      In addition to all your series that run concurrently on your different blogs? To your literary challenges? To your upcoming novel?

      You must be so jobless Pink Panther, that’s why you sit around all day writing stories that you weave out of your head!

      ***rolls eyes from portharcourt to pakistan***

      • pinkpanthertb
        December 27, 11:48 Reply

        Careful DM. Those eyes roll too far and someone might think its cos they’re so jobless… You know, all the ‘serious’ things they could be doing and instead you’re simply rolling them

      • Ace
        December 27, 12:37 Reply

        Really? Pink Panther is all this and more? My respect for you PP just moved up a notch.

  14. Max
    December 27, 12:00 Reply

    So I’ve spent the past few minutes reading all the comments, some had me laughing while some were downright annoying. I actually have nothing to say. You’ve all said it all, both positive and negative.

  15. Dom
    December 27, 13:24 Reply

    Folks in Nigeria now have pizza nights? Pizza which real pepperoni and cheese, maybe hot sauce?

    • Dennis Macauley
      December 27, 13:47 Reply

      @Dom, so you think pizza is not made and sold in Nigeria?
      #YouDonMinnit

  16. gad
    December 27, 13:37 Reply

    An alien ship wrecked? * goes into prayer and fasting for God to send your people to come for you fast*

    • Dennis Macauley
      December 27, 13:46 Reply

      @gad trust me it’s way cooler where I am from. Atleast there is no opium daze! Please intensify your prayers so they can send a space shuttle for me

      LOL

      • Andrevn
        December 27, 14:04 Reply

        Oh! DM are you just not so wonderful….
        Me likey your ”overactive imaginations” o
        Is it not what every Princess wants :a castle surrounded by a bottomless moat and a drawn bridge to keep Dem’ thirsty Hoes away who come flocking in form of scullery and milk maids…only that yours is built in the air!!

        #Mrs Mac and Dame Pantheress, i do think preparations for an all gurls night-out should be in motion for that Victorian styled wedding you gurls want…..
        PS:@ Mrs M,pls i am still waiting for your approval of the after party gown #WhatWeWantForChristmas!…..
        I have started trimmings already so you can come for fittings in time…#You will so love it (curveous)

  17. Brian Collins
    December 27, 14:04 Reply

    This was so much better than the Pilot episode of ‘Originals’ Season1, and I can tell u that it was thrilling.
    Dennis I am actually pleased that you are doing this. I would actually love to read about the life of a lot of other people too e.g Lord & Ace.
    Ps: Dennis pls don’t leave out the details of going ons of you and the Mrs in the bedroom.
    This one everyone wants to write a journal I better start thinking about what to do. I want to be getting invites to exotic cities for all expense paid weekends too. By the way, where is Justjames sef?

    • Ace
      December 27, 15:04 Reply

      I lead a very uneventful life. No stories here, sadly. I should go out and increase my fuck buddy list for the time being. That could be an ultimate plot creator.

  18. trystham
    December 27, 14:32 Reply

    Thot it was an erotica seeing the title. Anyway, giving us a heads-up was a sure way of getting us to accept whatever you write, swill or choice. Now u got everyone ‘ooohing’ and ‘aaahing’, ‘gushing over a new baby’ like until 2015 is done. You shud av dropped d 1st 2 write ups of the series before we knew what hit us, then u wud av heard the truth to ur ‘writing’ skills. Anyway, I know Chizzie will NEVER let u forget the ‘gutters’ from which u come from

    • Lord II
      December 27, 14:54 Reply

      Gutters????? Now where has all the sun gone too!???

  19. GB!
    December 27, 15:19 Reply

    Wow, so much hate, so much love…indifferent!

  20. Deola
    December 27, 15:40 Reply

    We all gotta role to play…chizzie is just playing his I guess. DM i am sure the journal would be on point, and even if it isnt you’ll learn from it. Its easy for folks to just comment on someone’s work but it takes bravery for you to actually put something out to the public for them to comment on.

    • A-non
      December 29, 05:53 Reply

      I couldn’t agree less Deola

  21. s_sensei
    December 27, 16:39 Reply

    Please make una chill. Just because a person writes an article per week doesn’t mean he is unemployed or idle. That’s just illogical. And my oh my! DM has so many foes on this blog and like seriously at a point I started thinking, “why haven’t I noticed all these about DM? Is something wrong with me?”. Abeg abeg abeg, why can’t we just let people be? None of these self-proclaimed foes of DM know him in person. If you don’t know him in person and all you can do is feel NEGATIVE just because someone is giving an impression they have a fabulous life, then I must tell you that you have a problem. You chose to feel he is LYING without evidence. This tells us a lot about your own tendencies. And I keep saying it. We cry that society will not let us be but we are the most intolerant of all. Shame!

    Abeg live and let live! You guyz take all this too seriously! DM is an online personality and he keeps me entertained. I have never for once thought “is he making this up?” How is that my business? If he says its not fiction, I take it as such, laugh and move on. No time to bitch and bicker. Una wey say the guy get time, infact na una get time pass. Haba! Children, you all need to chill. The emotions and words you produce tell us about who you are. And check the dude you are all accusing, see how he is handling the acerbic comments! So much maturity! As far as I am concerned, DM has one of the most wholesome personalities here.

    • Colossus
      December 27, 21:42 Reply

      And this ladies and gentlemen is how it’s done. We really are an intolerant bunch. This is not even the first episode of the story so why not wait, have a good read, comment and then move on.
      I for one am looking forward to it despite the fact that I hardly follow episodic stories.
      Dennis, I dey wait and like I said earlier, don’t feel pressured to entertain and therefore bloat the story. You owe none of us that.

  22. Frank enStein
    December 29, 00:32 Reply

    So let me get this straight… 80 comments just cuz DM decided to start posting a non-fictional series from next year. OK then!. 2015, shall we?

Leave a Reply