The Pinky Theory

securedownloadThe Pinky Theory is one of the laws of the Gay Universe. Just like the Laws of Physics.

The Pinky Theory is as Immutable as Gravity, as Forceful as the Ocean, as Inescapable as Air. It simply states that A Person Is Gay If They Wag Their Tiny Fifth Finger, or “Pinky”, around.

Observe the average gay person.

The Pinky, or last finger, is usually held out at a distance from the rest.  It’s as if it has a control button all its own.

The Pinky is the mirror, the LCD screen, the true display of the intentions and emotions of a gay person. In fact, the gayer they are, the more outstretched their pinky is.

Watch them lift their hands in church, gesticulate while talking to you, or walk along the streets- Pinky is always there, stretched out, communicating to the casual observer the deepest desires and feelings of this otherwise unknown person.

So, that’s it: if you ever see a person with ‘ A Pinky’, that person is gay. Simple and straightforward – er, not so ‘straight’forward…more like, ‘Bent’- bent at an angle actually.

Lol. If you’re wondering how I learnt about The Pinky Theory, it was during a visit to a friend of mine in Port Harcourt in Ye Goode Olde Days. He took one look at me and said “You’re So Gay…”

I was offended, and I was like, “How so?”

He said, “You Have a Pinky…”

I said, “Pinky? What’s that?”

And thus, I received my Education.

It’s interesting, no matter how straight-acting or manly you perceive yourself to be, your Pinky will always, er, come out. Especially in your unguarded moments. It seems you can control everything else – your sway, your twist, your hand-waves and finger-snaps, your shimmy, your sashay, even the way your long tresses flow in the wind when you throw your hair back as you mount that bike (or whatever it is you’ve been mounting…)

But you can’t hold the Pinky back.

So The Question is Not Whether that Guy you’ve been watching in your office is Gay Or Not, it’s – Does He Have A Pinky? Even if he’s flying beneath the radar like a witch in the night, and your experienced gaydar doesn’t trigger off, just look at his Little Finger. If It’s Bent, He Is Bent Too.  Or at least Bendable.

Even if your prospect has successfully appropriated the techniques of a stealth bomber or wears an invisibility cloak like Harry Potter, don’t get it twisted. Once you see Pinky, Mission Accomplished. You can call HQ at 1-900-KitoKito, or email wind-don-blow-fowl-yansh-aff-show@kito.com, and tell Charlie and The Angels that the Target has been sighted.

Shakira once said, ‘Hips Don’t Lie.’ Well, neither does Pinky.

It’s the Law of the Gay Universe.

Written by Lanre Swagg, @lanreswagg

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38 Comments

  1. daniel
    September 16, 05:03 Reply

    Lanre u r definitely up to mischief this morning. I’ll just pretend I didn’t read this ‘go and wear yourself a kito’ article.. Mbokabeg who came up with this theory? Pinky?

  2. Dennis Macauley
    September 16, 05:29 Reply

    LOL!

    I don’t even know how to react to this.

    It’s a satire so I will just laugh it off! LOL

    *Pink Panther Side Bar, NOW*

  3. GB_SHOW!
    September 16, 05:47 Reply

    Hehe, pinky is real but slap is more real…if u go approach some kind guy untop say in get pinky…dat slap no go b from dis planet o…be careful!

  4. simba
    September 16, 05:48 Reply

    I need look at myself to observe if I have a pinky…

  5. Neon
    September 16, 05:51 Reply

    Here we go again! Theory… This time! C’mon… Hasty generalization :X *stirs mocaccino*

    • pinkpanthertb
      September 16, 05:54 Reply

      It’s a satire, Neon darling. A satire. Meant to be laughed over. 🙂

    • enigmous
      September 17, 06:02 Reply

      Neon love….don’t tell me our bedroom will be boring o. You have to laugh it off when I make satiric jokes, even when you don’t really find them funny. After all, why else do I love u?

      • pinkpanthertb
        September 17, 06:04 Reply

        *looking from enigmous to Neon* *doing it like TeamKizito* Hmmmm

    • enigmous
      September 17, 06:12 Reply

      Lol…pinky hun, one of the dividends of being a kitodiaresian na, we find love in the strangest places #butit’snoneofmybusiness

  6. trystham
    September 16, 06:02 Reply

    Mtchewwww. Gay guys and trying to tag ppl they want to like by force. Na so so finger give away. Length of finger nails, placement of finger ring, pinky finger arch, chewability of fingers….ARGHHHH!!!!

    • JustJames
      September 16, 06:08 Reply

      Trystham honey.. its meant to be funny. Had me laughing like crazy to be honest. Pinky theory… The heading picture didn’t help matters. Now I feel a desire to wave my pinky. Gats keep the thing under control.

      • trystham
        September 16, 15:09 Reply

        I know jare. But I will be spending the better part of two weeks trying to wave the pinkie finger less. Cramps my style. Who’s a me without the gesticulating pinkie?

    • pinkpanthertb
      September 16, 06:11 Reply

      Why so surly, Trystie dear? 🙂 Comon wave your pinky around like you just don’t care. lol

  7. Lothario
    September 16, 06:24 Reply

    Lmao…..this is funny! Had a good laugh reading it.

    Thanks Lanre!

  8. chestnut
    September 16, 06:28 Reply

    Lol. Ok this is ridiculously funny. Well, at least no one can accuse us of not having a straight bone in our bodies…if someone tells me I’m so gay, now I can tell them “look at my little finger though;it’s straighter than a ruler!” (Oya little finger,start learning how to extend!)

  9. Absalom
    September 16, 06:53 Reply

    Lololol. I’d be too weird out by a guy waving his pinky around to approach him. I prefer the Middle Finger Theory. Easier to…ass-imilate.

    • chestnut
      September 16, 08:11 Reply

      “Middle finger”?… “ASS-imilate”?all kinds of nasty images in my head right now. Oh Absolom u’re soooo wrong for this! LMAO. U’re going to hell in a hand-basket for this! LWKMD

  10. R.A
    September 16, 07:09 Reply

    Trololololol I’m in tears. The speed at which that pinky will glue to the rest fingers and land on your face ehn! You wee never ~hexperedit~

  11. lluvmua
    September 16, 07:45 Reply

    “(or whatever it is you’ve been mounting…)” ROTFL LMAO LOL LWKMD. This phrase got me rollin n the floor lolzzzzz * flips hair and starts laughing in karachicas voice * lol

  12. Bane Salazar
    September 16, 07:53 Reply

    How does one wag their pinky tho? This post made absolutely no sense!

    • Dennis Macauley
      September 16, 08:18 Reply

      Just laugh my dear! We can’t be all serious and Thesis-eque all the time

  13. Micky
    September 16, 08:05 Reply

    Ok. Judging by this Pinky theory, am definitely not gay!

    • chestnut
      September 16, 08:20 Reply

      I swear! Today is d first time I’m realising that my pinky finger hasn’t been living up to expectation all this while.

  14. king
    September 16, 13:05 Reply

    First time hearing and no I don’t have a pinky!!

  15. Aproko Pikin
    September 16, 14:09 Reply

    I’m so gay but ‘straight-acting’….if you want to catch me by searching for a pinky, U are wrong…!

  16. Samaurai
    September 16, 14:55 Reply

    ROTFL
    I couldn’t stop laughing.
    Who is this Lanre guy, abeg?
    Pinky ga-araputa gi one day.
    Keep going about looking for pinkies.
    A hot slap on your cheek will reset your gaydar by force.

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