THE RAINBOW WAR

THE RAINBOW WAR

FOREWORD: Kito Diaries made a social media post, a series of screenshots where a homophobe wanted to prove that to be gay isn’t natural, and used a test case of dividing people into three islands – the Straights, the Gays and the Lesbians. This homophobe’s theory is that the Straights will go on flourishing while the Gays and Lesbians will perish and cease to exist. Of course, the poster was schooled by brilliant commenters who used their vivid imagination and sense of humour to show off the homophobe’s ignorance.

Consequent to this post, a KDian decided to write a short story that was inspired by the responses the homophobe’s post got. And it is the most delicious thing you’ve ever read. Trust me. [If you haven’t seen those screenshots, it would be better to check them out first HERE on Twitter, HERE on Instagram, or HERE on Facebook, before you commence reading this story.]

*

THE STORY

The following document was recovered from a dilapidated office building in an impoverished African town. The country where the document was found and where the events took place have been redacted for security purposes. Dates, names and other such classified information have been redacted and replaced with either an adequate pseudonym or a [REDACTED] box. This copy has been made public through the efforts of [REDACTED] Roars Foundation.

 

Name of War: The Rainbow War

Death Toll: 7.77 million, including 550,000 civilians, dead by starvation

Type: Clash of Cultures

Broad Dividing Line: Straights vs. Everyone Else

Time Frame: 2043 – [REDACTED]

Location: [REDACTED]

Cause: Another Damn Homophobic Tweet

 

It started with a segregation. Following several thousand instances of religious hate, the governments of [REDACTED], a union of countries well known for their massive online presence, decided to conduct an experiment. Much to the chagrin of Human Rights activists everywhere, these nations divided their citizens and shipped them to several islands that most had no idea even existed until then.

The appropriately-named Straight Island was populated with Straight people of all races, who were united by their collective hatred for LGBTQ+ people. Gays were shipped off to Gay Island and Lesbians to an island named Lesbian Island. The experiment was to determine if the scenario laid down by a homophobic tweet made by [REDACTED] would come to pass.

The Gay and Lesbian Islands were further subdivided into the Pansexual Archipelago and Bisexual Bay, with the Asexual Sky Nation coming into existence a few months later, after the three groups protested their being lumped together with Gays and Lesbians. The Transgender Corps, an elite group known for its military prowess, was soon formed after sporadic attacks by radical homophobes from Straight Island. Numerous other tribes were soon formed and recognized. After weeks of talks and diplomatic visits, the Rainbow Union (RU) was formed, uniting the various islands and tribes othered by the Straights into one nation.

The expectation of the researchers was that Straight Island would reproduce and keep going strong for millions of generations, while Gay Island, Lesbian Island and the various other nations under the RU would perish in nothing more than a few decades.

Much to the surprise – and chagrin – of none but the researchers and homophobes everywhere, this didn’t quite turn out as they expected.

To the shock and horror of the denizens of Straight Island, they didn’t miraculously stop reproducing queer children. After attempting to cure them through tried and true methods such as ‘Pray Away the Gay’, ‘Constant Sex Therapy’ and various other unspeakable tortures treatments, the Straights began shipping off their queer offspring to the RU, who were only too happy to receive them. Eventually families that had been torn apart by this eviction of queer children reached out to the RU and either emigrated or stayed on in the Straight Island as spies. They were called Allies.

Meanwhile, the Lesbian Island established the critically-acclaimed Semen Trade Agreement with the Gay Island. Straight children produced from the trade were brought up to be tolerant, to have respect for people regardless of sexual orientation, race or religion, and generally to not be dicks. Reports indicate that this was a massive success, with the children growing up to become productive members of RU societies, and instead of pursuing social media arguments fueled by bigotry and hate, instead employed their time with producing exceptional, world-changing goods and services. It should be noted that the cures for cancer and HIV were discovered by some such offspring.

Over on Straight Island, the situation was quite grim. Overpopulation was rampant, having come about from the desperate actions of the Straights to “show those Gays how we are better than them.” Crime was at a record high and the society was on the brink of collapse. The government of Straight Island had since been overthrown and in its place was a religious order known as The Holy Coalition of the Greys. Their mission was to exterminate all rainbows, and after inciting the impoverished Straights into jealousy and hate, they declared war on the Rainbow Union.

The date of this declaration of war is 21st January, 2043.

Straight Island attacked at dawn, their first strike containing two thousand ships and five hundred spear boats. Initially taken by surprise, the RU quickly called for their banners. Five hundred and fifty ships came from the Pansexual Archipelago and Bisexual Bay respectively, with the Asexual Sky Nation sending two hundred of their best wind masters. Three thousand of the RU’s best fleet were launched, to be commanded by ten of the Transgender Corps’ best officers.

The two armies met on open sea at 12.07PM. The Straight fleet was a ragged mess and their attacks were frenzied and uncoordinated. The RU’s fleet held its position and under the brilliant command of the Transgender Corps’ general, they pushed back the enemy. Pushed to desperation, the Straights resorted to their Hate Cannons. A devilish contraption, the Hate Cannon was powered by the homophobic sentiments of its wielders, and one comment fired from it was almost always fatal.

The RU, unprepared for this weapon, began to take heavy losses. Defeat seemed imminent, especially when Lady Spectrum, the Transgender Corps’ second-in-command, went down surrounded by the mangled corpses of sixty-five Straight ships. But then, the wind masters called up the most powerful storm in living memory. Powered by the indomitable strength of True Love, its winds smashed through the Hate Cannons and decimated the Straight fleet. At the end of that day, the death toll was in. Fifty wind masters, two Transgender Corps members and eight hundred and sixty-seven officers had given their lives in service to their nation. As for the Straights, only forty-eight of their main fleet and two of their spear boats remained.

Both sides retreated to mourn their losses.

Stung by their defeat, the Holy Coalition of the Greys advocated for a kamikaze approach. Calls for volunteers went out and inexplicably, a lot of Straights stepped forward. The Coalition commenced preparing them for what was sure to be their deaths.

Meanwhile, the Rainbow Union met to discuss war tactics. Most advocated for a full-on attack on Straight Island. Prominent among these were the delegates from the Aromantic, Non-Binary and Demisexual tribes, who proposed using their invisibility to the Straights against them.

“They don’t even know we exist,” argued [TITLE IRRELEVANT] [REDACTED]. “We should use that to invade and wipe them out once and for all.”

In the end, cooler heads prevailed, and the Union focused its efforts on countering the Coalition’s Hate Cannons. Secret messages were dispatched to the Allies on Straight Island, and prime focus was placed on locating imprisoned LGBTQ+ individuals and getting them out safely. At the same time, the Coalition was finalizing its plans for a suicide run on key positions within the RU. These locations had been leaked to them by Rainbow citizens, an act of betrayal from these men and women who had “turned straight” and were “sick of the fact the RU accepts every fucking person.” The Straight soldiers had already made their way to the targets, having seduced several officers to do it, and were waiting for the signal to activate the bombs secreted away in their bodies.

Thankfully, disaster was averted through the brave actions of two Rainbow citizens, an Aromantic and an Asexual, who, immune to the invaders’ charms, tracked them down and engaged them in battle once their purpose had been made clear. Further officials hurried to help, and what would have been a crushing blow on the RU was averted. The two citizens, [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] were subsequently given The Chromatic Essence award, the highest a citizen can receive for service to the RU.

Infuriated by this brazen attack, the RU unanimously voted on an invasion of Straight Island. But first they had to get their people out. Utilizing wind riders and vehicles from the Sky Nation, Allies, Rainbows and other such people important to the RU were spirited away in a six-hour long operation. Several RU officers were gunned down when they were discovered by a passing Straight patrol, but overall the operation was a massive success. The sacrifice of those who died during the operation would not be in vain.

Now unburdened by any lives in the custody of the Straights, the RU nations mobilized their full force and invaded Straight Island. The Straights fought back viciously, utilizing guerilla tactics to prove themselves a formidable force. So, the Asexuals called up another storm and reports speak of it being powerful enough to “rip trees from the earth.” The Transgender Corps then called for an all-out push that finally broke through the Coalition’s defenses. It was a massacre. The RU leaders had asked for civilian lives to be spared, but the Rainbow forces, high on bloodlust, failed to remember those orders. By morning, Straight Island was a burning wasteland.

It took five days for the last of the flames to die down. When it did the RU quickly claimed the suddenly empty lands as part of its territory and erected a monument dedicated to “All Those Who Died For A Mere Tweet.” Analysts walking through the desolate districts spoke of charred corpses lying inside burnt-out homes. The middle fingers of these corpses were raised towards their slaughterers, a frozen indication of their hate-fueled defiance.

When a final count was made, the death toll came up to 1 million soldiers and civilians killed in the initial attack at sea, and 7 million soldiers and 550,000 civilians slaughtered during the invasion. Historians still debate these numbers, with some calling them a shameless hoax, but even most conservative estimates place the number of dead Straights at 5 million.

Following the end of the experiment, the world was never the same again. It was [DATA REDACTED FOR PURPOSES OF CONTINUED PEACE]

The End.

Written by Michael Roars

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8 Comments

  1. Mandy
    January 25, 09:57 Reply

    😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
    This story gave me an inordinate amount of joy. Wow!

    “It was a massacre. The RU leaders had asked for civilian lives to be spared, but the Rainbow forces, high on bloodlust, failed to remember those orders. By morning, Straight Island was a burning wasteland.”

    I’m stanning Michael Roars right now for this. Imagine existing in a world where queer people have this kind of power and push back! Damn. I’m so excessively thrilled by this story, mehn! 🙌🙌🙌

  2. Mitch
    January 25, 10:51 Reply

    In this war, I’m most certain of one thing:

    Delle would be at the back, cooking for the warriors. Otan!
    🏃🏃🏃

    • KryxxX
      January 25, 12:02 Reply

      The battle is not for the weak and faint hearted. Las las the warriors need to be healthy and strong biko😏😏.

      Delle nne, I will be assisting in the cutting and slicing biko. 😝😝.

    • Delle
      January 25, 19:47 Reply

      Eeww!

      I’ll be very much active in the Sex Department of the Armed Forces please. Surely, our soldiers would need to relieve stress every once in a while.

      Kryxxx darling, dice and slice alone 😊

      By the way, Mitch, this is how you wee grow old single. Eediat!

      • trystham
        January 26, 07:22 Reply

        Shhhhhh!!! Say ‘massage’. Sex is not the only relaxation technique. Stop advertising how much of a hoe u are.

  3. Peace
    January 26, 07:50 Reply

    Can this be made into a movie already? Chai see me imagining, battle of the elves and the orcs. ❤❤❤

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