The Random Conquest

The Random Conquest

I don’t know if calling myself an adrenaline junkie explains it well. Or perhaps I should say that I love testing the limits.

I got a call from a friend, Monalisa, to attend her birthday party in her house, which I was sure would be filled with testosterones, heterosexual testosterones, who are already used to the effeminate Philips, the one with lots of beautiful female friends, and who they’d like to think is not gay. Lol.

On the day of the party, I left for Monalisa’s house in the company of my best friend Blessing, who is straight and not in the least bothered by the fact that she had a gay bestie. (I mean, who talks boys with a girl more than a gay BFF). Blessing and I soon got to the house. It was midday, and the party was supposed to be a night party. Even then, there was already of throng of would-be revelers lying about in various states of undress in the house. Boys lounging with their tops off and girls bustling about in thigh-length skirts or bum-shorts.  There was music blasting in the living room, and as Blessing and I mingled, I soon began twerking to the beat. Before long, the other people in the room were cheering and chanting, “Go Philips, go Philips!”

As I continued giving my derriere all the Beyoncé it could handle, this dude walked into the room. He was about 6ft3, with a really buffed-up body and looking like a black Roman god. He wasn’t part of Monalisa’s usual crowd, at least, not someone I’d seen around here. I found his sudden presence so electrifying that my legs began to refuse to cooperate with me. They got so wobbly I had to stop dancing and went to collect a seat by Blessing’s side. She too was ogling the newcomer, who was clad in a wife beater that unashamedly put his sinewy upper body on display and ripped denim shorts that did nothing to modestly conceal the glorious bulge in his groin area.

The thirst was real! My mouth was so dry, and remained so when he turned to me, gave a small smile and said, “Nice moves.” Before I could formulate a response (something that seemed impossible, considering I had no saliva in my mouth to help the process of speech), he was gone, moving further into the house.

It was soon almost 6pm and Monalisa’s guests were now bustling about, getting ready for the party. It was going to be an all-night party and there was an air of anticipation in the entire house. There was a traffic of people everywhere as nearly every space was getting used up for the individual preparations.

I walked into a room I’d thought was empty to change and get ready to take a bath. But then I stopped short when I saw the black Roman god stretched out on the bed in his boxer shorts. He was smoking weed and watching a movie on a laptop. I’d learned that his name was Michael.

Instantly I forgot I’d wanted to take a bath and plopped down on the bed, making sure to lie really close to him, close enough to inhale the very essence of him. (Ah, bliss!) He shifted to accommodate me on the bed, handed me his blunt and I took a few drags. We began talking, just general talk, and laughing as well. As we bantered, especially whenever I was in the throes of laughter, I’d very innocently slap my hand against a part of his body – his abs, pecs, thighs. My goodness! The dude’s body was calling out to me.

Soon, Blessing located me and dragged me out of Michael’s company for us to go get ready. We had our bath together, which was something we’d been doing for over five years of our friendship. It was very normal to us. Not so for all the other testosterones in the house. As soon as I stepped out of the bathroom, they pulled me into a room to dig for all the details of what had transpired between me and the girl in the bathroom. They were already hailing me as the consummate Lothario; which is why I think I might have broken their hearts a little when I told them nothing had happened in the bathroom.

Besides, I was wasting precious time with these buffoons when I had Michael to get back to.

I soon returned to the room to thankfully find him still there, still in his boxers, still smoking his weed and still watching his movie. I laid back down at his side and focused on the movie.

Then there came on a scene with a naked woman. The woman made such a spontaneous appearance, and her body was so stunning that Michael let out an expletive, “Oh shit!”

And then I said, “Are you seeing what I’m seeing, Michael?”

“Ya man,” he exclaimed. “This girl’s body is everything.”

But honey, that’s not what I’ seeing. I could have concurred, but no. I had to tell him that I wasn’t talking about her body but the stilettos on her feet. I mean, those Louboutins were fairly sky-high, they deserved to get noticed.

He turned an incredulous look to me as I talked and said, “Philips, they just showed a naked woman and you actually noticed her shoes?!”

As I opened my mouth to respond, the room was plunged into darkness. In the far background, I could hear the generator grinding to a spluttering halt. There were groans all over the house, and someone somewhere hollered that he was on his way to fix it.

Take your time please, I thought. Right now, darkness was everything. And I seized the opportunity without delay. With my heart beating really fast, I went into seduction mode. I turned on the bed to lay my head down on Michael’s chest while making conversation as though lying on his body and talking was the most natural thing in the world.

Thankfully, he didn’t push me away from the intimate contact. Instead, he asked bluntly, “Philips, tell me something. Are you a homosexual?”

“Yes,” I answered. It was best we got that out of the way, no?

He instantly began a lecture on how homosexuality was a sin in the eyes of God and all that jazz. I interrupted his sermon to let him know that I wasn’t even a religious person, so why would I care about what was or wasn’t a sin to God. But I didn’t stop there. I continued, “Don’t forget that it’s your bible, the same one you say condemns homosexuality, which also says adultery, fornication, backbiting and a whole lot of other things we take for granted are sins too. And that if you don’t repent of them, they will lead you to hell. So why are Christians making it seem like there is a big sin and a small sin or a big hell and a small hell? Nigga, going by the bible, if you are banging your girlfriend and I’m getting down with some hot stud, and Rapture takes place just then, we are both going to the same hell.”

“You have a point,” he conceded.

I felt very pleased with myself. He sounded like he was just a lecture away from getting enlightened. One less ignorant soul looking to be saved! Hallelujah!

But right then was no time for lectures. There were more important things to get done, and I got right to it. Feeling my heart pound even faster, I asked him if I could kiss him now. I followed up the question with action. No time to allow him the chance to say no. I leaned in and claimed his lips. He was still for a moment, before opening his mouth and letting me in. within seconds, our tongues were dueling for supremacy and our hands groping at each other’s bodies.

Just then, the generator sprang to life and the room became awash with light again. We pulled apart. I looked into Michael’s eyes. It was clear he wanted this to happen. So I did what every self respecting seducer would do. I got up from the bed, locked the door, turned off the lights…

And the rest was rainbow history.

Written by Philips

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27 Comments

  1. •*•sugarrrr*•*
    April 16, 08:18 Reply

    Ha ha ha

    So I did what every self respecting seducer would do. I got up from the bed, locked the door, turned off the lights…
    Phil, ?????????? you no dey carry last. Mek you dey fire dey go. No time to waste time.

  2. Queen Blue Fox
    April 16, 08:23 Reply

    Keep representing sluts everywhere darling *takes a swig of vodka*
    Nice 1

  3. Kenny
    April 16, 08:32 Reply

    There’s no disclaimer so can we assume this is real? Some people get mind.

    • Mandy
      April 16, 08:49 Reply

      Lol. It’s not in the Fiction category. So yea, Philips must be a brave guy. Tuale for you, Phil! Your seduction game is on point.

  4. Mandy
    April 16, 08:50 Reply

    By the way, will there be a part 2? The part where the morning after is revealed.
    PS: And is it just me or is there a huge turn-on in that picture up there?

  5. simba
    April 16, 08:54 Reply

    Hmmmm.. U for chop slaps and kito of the century, ur Grandma’s prayers are still patent and working for u….

  6. Delle
    April 16, 09:05 Reply

    Oh my *hands over mouth*…this is too good to be true and boy, you have got some balls! I’d never, NEVER do half of what you did. For him to concede so quickly makes me think he may not have been straight just some guy with huge curious vibes waiting to be sparked.
    If this really happened, you’ve just got to be careful cos a blow to the head from a buff guy I hear, isn’t pretty.

  7. posh6666
    April 16, 09:15 Reply

    People really get mind sha! Like things could have really gone left very quickly like sum1 getting stabbed,being mobbed by the whole crowd at the party,head being smashed into the wall several times.

    This are the tthings I think about and respect myself cos life no get duplicate all cos of 5min pleasure which isnt certain.

    • Philips
      April 16, 17:23 Reply

      sweetheart, I have a talent for spotting the vulnurable ones

  8. McGray
    April 16, 09:17 Reply

    If u hv ever seduced any ‘str8’ u really shld offer sacrifice to ur chi because a nice sexy hot slap could hv equally been ur portion followed by an emergency outing, just like wat happened in d hostel some months. Anyway, some ppl r just plainly stupid

  9. Khaleesi
    April 16, 09:32 Reply

    Great piece!! Dayum! You’ve got guts! Nothing like supreme confidence in yourself …

  10. Geeluv
    April 16, 10:44 Reply

    Do we really still have straight guys in the world again….??? Because it seems everyone wanna taste this stuff…. making the world a better place for us tho!!!

  11. KingBey
    April 16, 12:54 Reply

    Hot and sleazy. This actually turned me on. Did a lot of similar shits in my younger days. Miss those days when I had guts. Lol

  12. Frank_Einstein
    April 16, 13:19 Reply

    *laughing in soprano*
    We are depopulating the straight world!!!

  13. lluvmua
    April 16, 14:05 Reply

    pray Philip pls tell us the part two of this story, biko…. and why did u just leave us blank about the whole deal??? abeg comma tell us the size and his skills……..tea any one???

  14. Kester
    April 16, 16:40 Reply

    OMG Phillips you are such a whore!
    I envy your courage and fearlessness, liver no gree me o. Please we want to know what happened after. Mek una beg am abeg!

    • Philips
      April 16, 17:25 Reply

      hahahaha……being a hoe is tough na but someone’s sha got to do it

  15. Alves
    April 16, 18:44 Reply

    Lemme just sit here and sip green tea, wondering when such courage will befall me. Bravo Phillips

  16. jamie
    April 18, 00:11 Reply

    lol. there are a lot of disapproving things I would like to say but I won’t want to cause any trouble so I will just say it all in one word “SPEECHLESS”

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