THOSE ARE THE YESTERYEARS

THOSE ARE THE YESTERYEARS

Born in Festac, the parent I knew growing up was my mother. My father was abroad those first six years of my life, chasing the American dream. My mother never spares a moment to remind me just how much pain I caused her during a delivery that went on for eight hours. (I guess I hated Nigeria from the onset). We lived in her family house, which was in Festac; she was a student then, who went off to school and left me to the care of countless cousins. My earliest memories include one of those cousins, a female, slapping my wrist and saying something about me not being a girl. And I was just three years at the time.

I grew up being the sweetheart of the family. But no matter how much love I got from the environment around me, I knew there was something off with me. Something just wasn’t right. And this was not just because I had a crush on a paternal male cousin of mine at age eight, but because I always had this feminine aura about me. My euphoria was all feminine, my stance terribly effeminate. Everyone said it was cute (because I was eight!) and that I would outgrow it at one point in my life. I believed this then, and every now and then, prayed fervently for adolescence.

At age thirteen, my voice finally began to change. Yes oh yes! I was ecstatic. And then it hit me. My voice wasn’t changing from childlike to baritone. It was changing from childlike to ‘femitone’. I remember how crushed my father would look then whenever we had family devotions and his first child would sing the solo in no better way than Mariah Carey could have. Even though I was initially horrified by this development, I soon began to inwardly enjoy this attribute, this uniqueness – or so I thought – at the fact that in my entire class, I was the only boy who was put in the soprano section of the choir. I was the one chosen to dance Beyoncé’s part in her then-hit, Sweet Dreams. I won various competitions for my school, and academically, I was no push-over. It was magical!

When I was 14, my family and I were involved in a terrible automobile accident in Benin. No one died, but it was so horrible that our car, a RAV-4 jeep was entirely written off. Three of its tyres burst out at the same time, it just had to be spiritual. I suffered the brunt of the accident, incurring a broken jaw and shattered leg. I have now a very long scar on my left thigh, which constantly reminds me of my mortality. After the accident, I thought my life would never be the same again; it really was a depressing point in my life. Three months after the accident, after missing practically the whole of my SS1 third term, we returned to Lagos. I began to use crutches. While I felt crushed by this, because I feared I’d end up limping for the rest of my life, I also nursed some relief, because I wondered if this would alter my cat-walking gait to a more manly one by the time I was done with the crutches. However, after two more grueling months of physiotherapy, I started walking unaided once again, and before I knew what was happening, my legs began intertwining again while I walked. At this point, I gave up trying to be butch.

And then I was sixteen, still me, with no boyfriend and no intention of having one. My parents started hinting to me of their suspicions that I was homosexual. When I realized this, I was so horrified of exposure that I went into offense mode. I rebuked my mother the day she dropped at hint, even pulling off a wounded son act. My father took me to a doctor in Gbagada and asked him to check me out, because he wanted answers to why my voice had refused to change and why I wasn’t filling out masculinely like the other males in my peer group. I was scared shitless that day while we were in the doctor’s office, because I truly believed the doctor could confirm my homosexuality and ferret out some medical evidence of it. However, this was not to be. The doctor shocked my already perplexed father by telling him that I had female hormones (that was what my father reported later, he didn’t go further). Since then, my family stopped questioning my voice again and put the gay suspicions to bed, for the time being anyway.

That year I got admitted into the university in the eastern part of the country, this in spite of my seven-day fasting for the admission to fail (I didn’t want to go that year). I did not feel ready to leave the nest yet, and as my relocation to school loomed, my devastation increased. There I was, a shy, reticent, gay teenager about to face a whole new world. My first year in school however flew by quickly (thank God). By the second year, I was already adjusting to the system. I had already faced so much traumatic experiences I had known I was bound to face. I may have a fragile appearance, but God knows I have the stoutest of hearts and the most determined drive anyone can possibly have. I weathered the storm in school like a pro; everyone I knew thought I was going to probably die in my chosen discipline of Engineering (this, no thanks to my art-hating dad).

I made friends in school; notable among them was Mitch – yes, the same bad-ass KD bitch, Mitch. 😀 He was one of the few friends I had who truly knew me. Having both identified as gay, we quickly became incredibly close. I remember the day I called him on the phone. I was wretched. I needed to see him. Ever the mother hen, he came by as soon as he could to meet me on the verge of a teary breakdown. What was the catastrophe? I was in love with a straight friend of mine.

Bummer! I wasn’t just in love with him. I’d also professed my feelings to him and had gotten turned down. Now, like every other individual on this planet, I have fears. One of them is the fear of rejection. I’d rather get to a ripe old age of 89 with a crush nursed solely in my heart than open myself up to a heartthrob and get turned down. But in this case, I suppose I was thoroughly blinded by my emotions and went ahead to blurt them all out to the object of my desire. Emmanuel is his name.

Like I said, he was a friend, in fact a very close friend of mine. First I didn’t think much of him as anything but a platonic bestie. And then, my emotions shifted and all of a sudden, he began to appeal to me sexually. I talked to him about it and he gently turned me down. I felt his rejection like a slap in the face. I was devastated. And that was when I called Mitch. He did his best to console my ‘broken’ heart, while at once advising me to let it go.

Subsequently, I began to withdraw from Emmanuel. But I didn’t want to just slink away and give off the impression that I was licking my wounds, no. I strived instead to show him that I was doing fine without him. I’d go to his room, which was adjacent to mine, and I’d get all talkative with his roommates but him, laughing at their jokes and focusing my entire flirtatious attention on anyone in the room who wasn’t Emmanuel.

Then one day he called me and asked if he had done anything wrong. Feeling irritated by his query, I told him off, finishing up my chastisement with a turnaround and walk-away. (Like, bitch, I’ve got better things to do than yap with you). My silent treatment of him went on for another two weeks. And then came the night that I slept in his room. Not on his bed, mind you. I must have dozed off while hanging out there. And then I was roused in the middle of the night by the feel of a body pressed tightly to my back. The sleeping system in the hostels are horrifically congested, but not so jam-packed to the point of a sleeping person’s entire body firmly pressed to yours. I turned around to see who it was, and lo and behold, it was my darling Emmanuel. I shook him awake, just to make him aware that he was snuggling me from behind. He made a production of waking up (which made me suspect he was already aware), and without any word to me, he kissed me. You know, one of those ‘I-really-don’t-know-what-I’m-doing-but-here-goes’ kind of kiss. But to hell with it all, a kiss is a kiss! I kissed him back.

It lasted all of ten seconds, before he pulled back and began to talk. In a whispered monologue, he began to tell me of how he’d been thinking about everything I told him, how he didn’t want to lose my friendship because I’d suddenly started catching feelings, how he had actually always seen me as a girl and was willing to date me because of that. (Okay, that last bit didn’t sound right, but hey, I was back to being blinded by love to care). I was giddy with happiness and was instantly all set for us being together.

Emmanuel turned out to be a better boyfriend than I thought; he was so caring and incredibly nice to me, much more attentive than when we were just friends. We did everything but have sex. (I was in no hurry and Mitch didn’t do much to encourage me to do it, what with his scary narratives of first time experiences). So I kept my cherry, and even though Emmanuel pestered me to open myself up to him, I didn’t budge. I would only give it up when I was good and ready.

Then we went for the Easter break that semester, and somehow, everything began to wane. I don’t really know why or what happened to make me start yearning to withdraw from him emotionally. All through the time we’d been dating, Emmanuel had grown to fall deeply for me; it was the kind of love I could see whenever he stared into my eyes. Throughout the holiday, we conversed frequently on the phone. But my heart wasn’t in any of those interactions. I was suddenly assailed with doubts. I suddenly had questions, which I directed to myself. What if he eventually finds and has a girlfriend? He had been into girls, had been straight, so what happens then? Why is he even with me? What does he truly want from me? He said he thought of me as a girl, what if he suddenly wants a real woman and not someone he thinks of as one?

There were so many questions and no forthcoming answers. And then I made up my mind to forestall any heartache on my part by breaking up with him. We returned to school from the break and I did it. I called him to me and I broke up with him. He seemed devastated, even shed tears as he pleaded for me to change my mind. I couldn’t. My mind was made up. I simply couldn’t deal. I had to let go, and when he asked why I was doing this, I explained that I felt like I was leading him away from who he truly was. (I had to come up with something other than the truth, no?) He kept on my case for us to get back together for weeks, but in the face of my stubborn detachment, he gave up and we began to somehow find our way back to being just friends.

I’ve not actually had a boyfriend since then, and until recently, I was still a virgin. Yes, I am not a virgin anymore. And my ‘disvirginiser’ is a friend I made from Facebook. He came to my house, spent the night and – voila! – out went the old me. It was not a bad experience, not as much as Mitch made me think. In fact, the guy was good.

These days, I’m taking life a step at a time, meeting new friends and just accepting who I am. As a quiet activist, I also try to spread the message of self acceptance to gay acquaintances I make along the way. My parents still have their suspicions about my sexuality, and I’m in no hurry to validate or invalidate their misgivings. I’m still a sucker for love and I believe love exists in the gaybourhood, simply waiting to find me. And that’s the love I want, one with a guy identifying as gay, not someone who was once straight but can now see.

I got to know about Kito Diaries in 2014 through Mitch. But I remained a silent reader until last year, which I felt was my defining year. That was when I decided to get active on the blog, be a commenter and share my stories. And here it is, a page from those yesteryears.

Written by Delle

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127 Comments

  1. chuck
    March 05, 07:03 Reply

    What is a feminine “euphoria”, please?

    Maybe you lost interest in Emmanuel because a real relationship is not as dramatic as a ” straight friend fantasy”

    • Mandy
      March 05, 07:57 Reply

      Thought the same thing too. When the magic of crushing on your straight wears off, and he suddenly ceases to be that fantasy, then the end happens.

      • Delle
        March 05, 12:54 Reply

        I really don’t want to see it as a fantasy but I really can’t say how the whole thing died down like crashing cards. Baffles me even now…

  2. Francis
    March 05, 07:55 Reply

    Beautiful, funny and mature piece.? I’ve always wondered what it’s like on the home front for glaringly effeminate guys. E better as you shifted back to friends mode with Emmanuel…. Nigga doesn’t come off as gay enough IMO. Wasted investment dey pain die. ?

    • Delle
      March 05, 12:56 Reply

      Thank you, Francis. Have I told you how much love I have for you?

      • kacee
        March 05, 13:01 Reply

        what about me!!!! bia Francis leave him for me biko

        • Francis
          March 05, 14:37 Reply

          ?? I haff leave him for you. @Delle mummy doesn’t want this to be before you abdandon am ?

          • Delle
            March 05, 15:19 Reply

            Mummy should understand there are times when kids would leave parents to cling to their **** #justsaying

  3. Mandy
    March 05, 08:00 Reply

    This one na real ‘Delle Uncovered’. Quite the biography of your life past. I’m glad your life was spared in that accident. You just gotta know it’s a sign that there’s something you gotta achieve.
    Maybe champion Nigeria’s Stonewall movement? *snigger*

    • Delle
      March 05, 13:00 Reply

      Hmm…yes Mandy but with you directly in front, waving the rainbow flag, abi?

  4. wife beater
    March 05, 09:11 Reply

    I just like ds Delle guy aswearrugawd!*blows kisses*

    • Kenny
      March 05, 09:25 Reply

      You like him abi? Wait till he comes after you cos of your moniker *flees from Delle’s wrath’

      • Delle
        March 05, 13:09 Reply

        Oh but I love me a ‘beater’ sometimes…

  5. Kenny
    March 05, 09:30 Reply

    All these straight boys in school that will be making your insides do one kain one kain. The moment there’s some space btw you and them, all the feelings go down the drain. I guess that’s what happened to you.

    I’m glad you didn’t get marred by the accident but that doctor tho… female hormones????

    OAN: I need me a Mitch in my life. All my gay friends are virtual. *looks at PP with puppy dog eyes* FIX ME PP!!!

    • Pink Panther
      March 05, 10:12 Reply

      Hahahahahahaa! In your mind. If I can look at Wes Gibbins these days and not trip anymore over those his puppy-eyed gaze, I can survive you.

      • Max 2.1
        March 05, 10:15 Reply

        I still don’t understand how you guys trip for Wes… Like really?? Of all the people in the show, Wes!???

        • Pink Panther
          March 05, 10:18 Reply

          He’s cute na. Haba. You can’t take that away from him

          • Max 2.1
            March 05, 10:48 Reply

            Cute gini? One man’s meat is really another man’s agbalumo.

        • Rapum
          March 06, 14:42 Reply

          It’s not just the cuteness sef. His character has a certain vulnerability; I just want to cuddle with him and listen to him breathe. Lol.

      • Kenny
        March 05, 10:25 Reply

        How can you put me and that crazy nigga together in the same sentence? When I look at him, all I see is crazy and it overshadows his cuteness.

  6. Johnny
    March 05, 09:45 Reply

    I know this guy from Facebook.

  7. Sage
    March 05, 09:57 Reply

    Good writeup indeed. Atleast you save yourself the heartache(Emmanuel).

  8. Oturugbeke!
    March 05, 10:06 Reply

    All these UNN boys and the rate of homosexuality in those their hostels. The kinda gists I hear from that school ehn! Meanwhile, I think you got bored of the relationship not really because of the reason you gave. You eye cleared after you got past the fantasy. Concerning your virginity…
    emmm, you brought someone to your parents house, under their noses and straffed all through the night? Jehovah! you get liver. I like your write up tho, it’s one of the few articles I have read to completion in recent times on this blog. PP step up your game. Francis, what happened to our medic section?

    • Francis
      March 05, 10:23 Reply

      Being busy with my own stuff but something is on the queue for next week probably ?

        • Francis
          March 05, 10:44 Reply

          Story ke? My “stories” no dey pass KD comment section. It’s just a small sexual health related series.

  9. BESTMODEL
    March 05, 10:07 Reply

    Wow.. Love it any onitsha top dat is here so catch up with me.. Via 08160194189

    • Oturugbeke!
      March 05, 10:13 Reply

      Who be this one? Na so e scratch you reach? does this look like manjam, Grindr abi na 2go to you? You must be new on KD. Oya! Onitsha tops see free market, come n patronize 🙂

    • Mandy
      March 05, 10:16 Reply

      Lmao. Chai I don die. This kind of shop you set up here, market must be very very slow in Onitsha.

    • Max 2.1
      March 05, 10:18 Reply

      @PP, I have a trash for you to throw out.

      @BestRatchetHoe, this isn’t a hookup site, try manjam or gay section of 2go(you know your apps) or better still download grindr.

      • Kenny
        March 05, 10:27 Reply

        This comment killed me! ????

    • Philips Francis
      March 05, 10:45 Reply

      go and climb upper iweka bridge and pose or trek to UniZik junction
      I’m sure the louts here will do you at a public toilet

      • Delle
        March 05, 13:14 Reply

        BOJ! This shade has claws!

  10. Khaleesi
    March 05, 10:11 Reply

    Thanks for letting us into your life Delle, looking forward to reading more about you… Great piece! Move on from Emmanuel and save yourself heartache down the road …

    • Delle
      March 05, 13:15 Reply

      Thank you Khaleesi. As for more stories, I’d try.

  11. Philips Francis
    March 05, 10:35 Reply

    wow
    I love this piece but not happy you didn’t get down with him sha??
    better go and find him and finish work, cz as for me straight or not, if I like you we must finish that work oooo???
    *runs away*

  12. simba
    March 05, 11:16 Reply

    I don’t understand why everyone seems to support his decision to jilt Emmanuel.. bearing in mind he said he was a great bf,who fell deep for him… we were all once an Emmanuel in our journey of self finding and gaybourhood

    • Mr. Fingers
      March 05, 11:58 Reply

      Obviously he was just crushing on the dude. It’s good the whole thing didn’t go further. Probably would ve destroyed their friendship.
      Good one delle. U write very well. Pls write more.

    • Francis
      March 05, 12:04 Reply

      In my case, I got this vibe Emmanuel was willing to do anything to keep that friendship going and he’s not necessarily gay as in GAY. You know how some people can be “gay” for a few seconds and switch back to straight …… and I’m not talking people in denial.

    • Law
      March 05, 12:12 Reply

      So true. My ex was straight… A real novice. But hey we became close and fell in love…. He was d real deal…. Yada yada yada. We broke up cus he had to leave for studies.
      @Delle its possible emmanuel miht b gay but if he is straight… What matters is d love he has for u which is the most important thing… Dat love that made him come bk to u… Opened up to u and all.. Wanted to b with u… Cried when u left him is rarely seen. And for a straight guy.. Its difficult. By the way he can grow into understanding wat it is to be gay. So to me u just tossed away the right person.

    • Delle
      March 05, 13:21 Reply

      I didn’t jilt him. It was an intense feeling I misconstrued at the time, came on its own, died by itself. I don’t think that’s me jilting him.

      I had to prevent an impending heartbreak. I saw no future for us (I mean, that’s what I saw), the love wasn’t there anymore…what other reason do I need to give myself to let go of Emma?

      • Max 2.1
        March 05, 14:06 Reply

        If you wanna know if a man truly loves you, tell him to open his ass so you could dive in.
        You’ll see their true color(whether he’s straight, or gay, or bi, or bi-curious, or gay-for-pay or confused gay, or confused straight).

        • Delle
          March 05, 14:28 Reply

          Lol Max, I’m trying to understand what you just wrote

        • Mandy
          March 05, 15:08 Reply

          Max biko, was there somewhere you were going to with this comment?

          • Max 2.1
            March 05, 15:25 Reply

            @Mandy, the question is directed at all those who have at some point met a Romeo who they aren’t so sure about his sexuality, but were quite convinced that the Romeo truly cared about them.

            • Pink Panther
              March 05, 15:44 Reply

              Lol. Come on Max. Sex is not an entire yardstick to ascertain the realness of love.

              • Max 2.1
                March 05, 16:03 Reply

                They should try the experiment and come back to KD and write the results.

    • Peak
      March 05, 13:30 Reply

      Simba abeg I love you scatter! for this comment.
      @Delle, You weren’t trying to get hurt, so you burnt someone else just to save urself. Mind you, I am not judging, just pointing out how matters of the heart can be complicated and often times view from a selfish perspective.

      @Francis, nwanna, I didn’t realise there are different typologies to being GAY. When 2 consenting men agreed to have a sexual and emotionally fuel relationship whether they are short, tall, rich, poor, experienced or not, straight or not, what do we call it?

      At 1st I thought Emmanuel was going 2 turn out as Flakes friend who wanted 2 keep their friendship at all cost, but turns out the guy was genuinely emotionally invested. Discrediting him on the grounds that he was/is straight is just wrong on so many levels. He was never given a chance (by Delle for cogent but not rational reasons). But we all here on KD are all wrong for justifying the way things played out with Emmanuel. We have all agreed in the past that a lot of people are latently gay. There have been stories of people who didn’t go through the ” born this way ” experience, but activated that part of their being by one encounter or by having a sudden attraction for someone of the same sex in particular which went on to open a whole knew different world. CONSISTENCY PEOPLE!!! CONSISTENCY!!! That’s all I ask from us. Y’all can’t be filp flopping anyhow with every new subject and post like you are trying to put Krave moore and XL out of business. #UnaMatterCanLikeToTayaMe

      • Francis
        March 05, 14:25 Reply

        @Peak My dear I can’t go and invest plenty in a “confused” person or “late comer” or “water-tester” to have my heart broken when I least expect it. Been there, done that and by Jehovah’s grace it shall never happen to me again. Tufia!

        If Emma is truly GAY well he can revisit the matter with Delle when he’s 100% sure and confident of which team he plays for.

        • Delle
          March 05, 14:27 Reply

          Umm…that won’t be necessary. No love left here for him *smiling sweetly*

  13. peaches
    March 05, 12:20 Reply

    Hmmn… These hostels, is it only me that can’t find any gay fellow in there apart from me?, Cos apart from seeing them sweaty n unkept as they loaf about in d hostel speaking Igbo and pidgin with reckless abandon and ontop of their hoarse voices, these fellows have tinie-winie pendulums, i think they let the harsh sun shrink it so. Call me snub, but those guys didnt see my set of teeth(in a smile),while i was in d hostel. i am allergic to rubbish. nice piece by Delle?, as for mitch, i know whr to find him✌

    • Delle
      March 05, 13:24 Reply

      *dialling Mitch’s number immediately*

  14. grass
    March 05, 12:54 Reply

    i have someone quite similar too Emmanuel now,we’re in same dept,he’s crazy about my feminine attributes,really caring too,but he’s straight! Another one that love holding my waist,but we he couldn’t even get turned on when i invited him over.. baffling. I’m trying to understand these set of guys -straight guys that love and are crazy about effeminate guys without anything sexual.

  15. posh6666
    March 05, 12:57 Reply

    Told u guys Delle is a really good writer.Keep it up like I said I love ur creative imagination and how dramatic you can get in your facebook writeups.

    • Delle
      March 05, 13:25 Reply

      Aww, aren’t you just sweet?

  16. Delle
    March 05, 13:13 Reply

    ‘All these UNN boys and the rate of homosexuality in those
    their hostels.’
    Hmm…Oturubaby, who told you that one? Oh church!

  17. Mitch
    March 05, 13:35 Reply

    Okay oh! Only me na bitch, mother hen……..what else you got?

    But wait oh! How come I missed the part where you cried on my shoulders for hours? You dey form big boy abi?

    As for those saying he dumped Emmanuel, which one of us here hasn’t had straight boy drama? And how many of these straight guys are we still with? Yet, y’all want him to bank on something that’s been known to fail time and again.

    • kacee
      March 05, 13:48 Reply

      Ikr, lol he is a cry baby.

    • Delle
      March 05, 14:26 Reply

      Fuch you, Mitch! It wasn’t hours jawe…

  18. Peak
    March 05, 13:46 Reply

    Dear Delle,

    I may not be ur biggest fan (yeah I said it. I have a big mouth and have a habit of being terribly honest), but I can’t help myself from letting you know how I enjoy ur work. This piece is indeed beautiful. It was raw, funny, unfiltered and came from a honest place. Today’s story served as a reminder why I love and started throwing my voice into the chaotic mix called KD. For that reason alone, i say thank you. Like someone said above, you really should write more often.

    I’m not equally a fan how things played out with Emmanuel. I guess life happened. We have all been there, sometimes life hands us this big set of emotions that we are not ready for, we get overwhemed by it, don’t know how to deal with it and end up making a mess of it. So I understand and identify with the Emmanuel situation. A lot of us have been there. Lets hope you have more Emmanuels fashioned to ur taste in the future, and when they eventually roll up, you’d be ready for whats to deal.

    Nice read.

    • Max 2.1
      March 05, 14:13 Reply

      Your habit of being terribly honest may have cost you more than you know. I don’t know if you know it, but I think you actually enjoy saying carefully crafted hurtful things to people in a bid of #JustTryingToBeHonest.

      • Mandy
        March 05, 15:11 Reply

        He does take a lot of pride in his ‘honesty’. Never misses the chance to salt his comments with the claim.

          • Mandy
            March 05, 16:23 Reply

            That’s rich, coming from you who wears unpleasantness around here like it’s going out of style.

            • Wayfaring Stranger
              March 05, 16:39 Reply

              Anyone that knows me would tell you I’m not a mean person. I can’t say the same for you.

              • Mandy
                March 06, 05:31 Reply

                But you see, I’m not among those ‘anyone that knows you’. I don’t know you beyond KD. And you don’t know me either. So it’s okay for you to think I’m mean and okay for me to think you’re a bitch.

    • Delle
      March 05, 14:24 Reply

      Thank you, Peak.

      Emma was a part of my life, a part of my life I’m not ashamed to talk about. We loved each other, a love I pray to experience again. I don’t think the duration of love matters, it’s the intensity and how much utilisation you made out of that time spent. It’s a shame things ended the way they did but I really didn’t leave him to burn him down emotionally. It just happened. Shit happens, right?

      • chuck
        March 05, 16:54 Reply

        It probably means you’re not the kind of person that commits to long term stuff. Emmanuel should have clarified, or maybe noticed it from your behavior and opinions.

        I always make sure to ask the students and others these questions before getting involved with them

        • Delle
          March 05, 18:53 Reply

          @Chuck…really? Well, I know I can commit to long-term relationships, heck that’s what I crave, so it doesn’t irk me that you’d say otherwise. I had reasons, no matter how selfish, to not want to continue with Emma. Blame me for that and what have you, but don’t judge or come to an irrational conclusion based on that.

          OAN, what’s it with you and your incessant jabs at students? Don’t you think it’s a little fallacious the things you say about students especially? I know you are not one, doesn’t make you any better in the relationship angle. Just so we are clear, you not doing students shouldn’t be our headache.

          • Chuck
            March 05, 19:06 Reply

            I think students make up a sizeable number of KD’s readership. I also think students learn a lot of habits that hobble their aims to find love and meaningful companionship.

            You want a long term relationship, but you lose the spark after 3 months and breakup. Then you rinse and repeat, while blaming gay culture for your inability to find long term love. You’re the problem!

            When you’re a student, you’re unlikely to know the direction your life/career path will take. Love endures, love is not a 3 month obsession, love is built, it’s not a flash in the pan. Someone who doesn’t know who they are cannot find love.

            • Max 2.1
              March 05, 19:25 Reply

              “Love endures, love is not a 3 month obsession, love is built, it’s not a flash in the pan. Someone who doesn’t know who they are cannot find love”

              True @Chuck

            • Francis
              March 05, 19:37 Reply

              You’re very much aware this affects we “old” pipul too abi? It’s not a student matter.

            • Delle
              March 05, 19:46 Reply

              I realised just then that Emma wasn’t the one for me. Maybe I shouldn’t have let myself fall so hard without proper feasibility studies on the him, maybe I was foolish enough to take a plunge into a pool of uncertainty with Emma, but mistakes are made to make you a better person. It wasn’t a game to me, just an indelible mistake, one I’m not so sad I made seeing as it’s made me grow better as an individual. I loved Emma, I truly loved him. I let my love for him cloud my sense of reasoning and it stretched beyond limits.

              I don’t blame the gay culture for nothing, I’m past those demons. I’m totally responsible for my actions, if I fall in and out of love, I do so with my head and heart intact, don’t need to blame it on any culture. Not at this age and stage of my life. You seem to have a myopic, dare I say, archaic view about students. You see us as toddlers in cots, well it’s a wrong notion. Any student in the tertiary institution with no clear goals and aspirations is a loafer.

              And you seriously think I’m still finding myself? You think I don’t know me? If after reading this entry you still think that, then there’s nothing I can do or say to you anymore.

              • chuck
                March 05, 20:04 Reply

                You’re using the wrong word, then. What you had was an infatuation.
                If you know yourself you’ll distinguish between love and infatuation.

                I don’t see students as toddlers. But I screen students (who tend to describe infatuation as love) in order to ascertain just where they are mentally and pyschologically. You can’t be trying to build a partnership with someone who thinks Beyonce is his Queen.

                • Francis
                  March 05, 20:19 Reply

                  Hian! What has stanning for Beyonce got to do with maturity?! It’s like all you niggas that won’t let person see road with Arsenal this and Chelsea that. Those ones never mashure too abi?

                • Delle
                  March 05, 21:23 Reply

                  *rolling my eyeballs till they fall off*

                  You just had to go there? Low blow sweet. Now who’s mature? The one trying to justify his stance rationally or the one trying to throw weightless shades? If this is what maturity is about, looking for the softest part of a person to sink your fangs, I want none of it. Come to think of it, with such level of reasoning, ‘students’ should be proud of themselves.

                  OAN, I don’t even like Beyonce. Just so u know. #okBye.

                  • chuck
                    March 05, 21:31 Reply

                    I have no idea what shade you think I threw your way. What logical fallacies have I made?

    • Francis
      March 05, 14:27 Reply

      The honesty is needed biko. Maintain am.

  19. sensei
    March 05, 14:11 Reply

    Genuine. Beautifully written. I love!

  20. Chizzie
    March 05, 16:12 Reply

    Really really enjoyed reading this. And the bit about Beyoncé’s Sweet Dreams makes me feel menopausal as I was approaching 20 when that song came out.

  21. PETROVICH
    March 05, 16:54 Reply

    Awwww…..I loooooveeee this…Beautifully captured.

  22. Peak
    March 05, 17:40 Reply

    @Mandy, i had no intention of responding to Max’s allegations bcos
    1) I still haven’t seen anything in my comments that indicates I enjoy saying “carefully crafted hurtful things”
    2) I don’t know the motive behind the comment.

    So until I get out of the maze of confusion that Max sent me to, I have no intention of addressing him. When I am good and ready, I know where to find him. But you Mandy! Sinking ur teeth into the comment with ur “Never misses the chance to salt his COMMENTS with the claim.”. My brother, biko I’d be happy to see the receipts. I say this without spite, i’d really love 2 see the recipts. The few time(s) I have spoken about honesty (if I recollect correctly) is when issues that are not obtainable in real life is being disseminated for public consumption. But hey! My memory might be off. So be gracious enough to point me to the right direction so I can find my way again dear master.

    • Francis
      March 05, 17:44 Reply

      Look outside KD

      *Chapman don finish. ? Grabs Amarula ?*

    • Mandy
      March 06, 05:35 Reply

      Max’s comments clearly came from a personal place. Mine came from my observation of your comments on KD. Perhaps that observation is wrong and you’re truly an okay guy who simply likes to tell it as it is. If that is so, my apologies. But I’ll keep observing. 🙂

  23. Delle
    March 05, 18:57 Reply

    ‘If you wanna know if a man truly loves you, tell him to
    open his ass so you could dive in.’

    If diving into a man’s ass is the experiment, I’d rather not know anything at all. Thanks

  24. Somebody
    March 05, 20:59 Reply

    Nice right-up I have to say. With the amount of testerone I see in unn hostels I’m glad I stay off camp. I’ve had my own fair share of “straight friend fantasy” and it never lasts. It’s always very complicated and I just can’t have too much drama in my life… You want someone… You have a girlfriend.. That someone wants to shift from you but you keep drawing that someone back…you claim to love your GF but connect emotionally with that someone…( you see complicated) *sigh* karma is a bitch I can’t be technically cheating with someone. This is one of the reasons I’m not a fan of dating. *sigh* I just had to rant small.

    PS I’m that “someone”

  25. ambivalentone
    March 05, 21:46 Reply

    After seeing all his comments IMHO, I think Delle was beginning to feel stifled by the potential sacrifices Emmanuel would be willing to make to salvage their relationship. Sacrifices he may not be able to reciprocate. I will blame it on ur need to sow ur wild oats. Like someone prayed earlier, I hope to the heavens that ppl like Emmanuel never stop coming around.

    That said, pls, what tests did that doctor run to come to such a conclusion? Did he squeeze ur nipples and see milk? Did he wank you, take ur sperm sample and noticed more egg cells than sperm cells? Maybe I shud ask for them at my next appointment

    • Delle
      March 05, 22:56 Reply

      None of those was carried out. Said something about oxytocin, the doctors in the house should know better. No wanking, no nipple-squeezing, no vagina checking took place.

      • Max 2.1
        March 06, 08:16 Reply

        Does he even know what oxytocin is? What concerns you and oxytocin?

        • Delle
          March 06, 08:26 Reply

          It’s the female hormone he told my dad I have.

            • Max 2.1
              March 06, 10:24 Reply

              Thanx @James.. Oxytocin causes contrations during labour in pregnant women and also in the production of milk. Do you have boobs and vagina?

              Someone needs to check that doctor’s license.

                • Delle
                  March 06, 13:43 Reply

                  Now I actually know Oestrogen is the female hormone, is it that d doc didn’t know this or is the oxytocin ish a misinformation from me? I can’t say. Anyway, my dad really didn’t tell me details of his discussion with the doctor (and I wasn’t there). He just said the female hormone ish and was mute all through the drive back. That’s all I know.

  26. Geeluv
    March 06, 19:16 Reply

    I don’t know I keep coming late…. So you kissed him without wasting time and dumped him…. I kinda prefer relationships with guys who were straight. You’d have waited to explore that…… ☺

  27. Candy Man
    March 07, 21:39 Reply

    it is not nice to mess with someone’s heart like that. Are you human?

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