TO LOSE WHAT YOU NEVER HAD

TO LOSE WHAT YOU NEVER HAD

This story happened about 13 years ago when I started boarding school. I’d just transferred from a different school and would be resuming in my new school in JSS3. There was this guy (let me call him Chi) who was in my set, and who I noticed the moment I started getting acquainted with my new environment. Chi was gorgeous – I mean, this guy was cute beyond description. But I’ll try.

Chi was a beautiful boy. He had dark eyes that shone like opals, well-shaped as thought they were edited after creation. His gaze could bless and judge you simultaneously. His pink lips were like the loveliest rosebuds, shaped like they were there simply to give pleasure upon a kiss. And his legs beneath his shorts were the sexiest gams I’d ever seen on a human being; they were spotless and hairless, well toned and magnificent. Chi was a ten – the whole package complete with a bow.

The first time I set my eyes on him, I knew I wanted him. Even then, I knew the feelings I nursed for him were inappropriate. So I kept them under lock and key.

Chi was as popular as he was fine. A lot of girls adored him, as did some guys. But many more of the guys seemed to get a kick out of picking on him. You see, in addition to be good looking, he was also effeminate. And the masculine boys of JSS3 simply loved to taunt him mercilessly. This was the atmosphere of hostility I happened upon, and because I couldn’t talk to him about how I actually felt about him, I joined the gang of boys who taunted and bullied him verbally. The boys called him all sorts of names, and I very willingly participated, oftentimes adding fuel to the flame of hatred that hounded Chi.

I’d diss him to his face and behind his back. And then in the privacy of my thoughts, I’d wonder if he suspected that what I felt for him was the exact opposite of the attitude I displayed toward him publicly. I would stare at him in class or during mealtimes at the dining hall, wondering what it’d be like to be in his shoes, to be on the receiving end of all the bashing and insults he was suffering. And whenever we ran into each other and I was too tongue-tied by my guilt to be the first to get on the offensive, he would hiss and roll his eyes – something I found extremely sexy by the way – and then stomp away from me. I was under a different kind of suffering: caught between my desire for him and the cowardice of lashing out at him for being who he was – who he was being the reason for my unspoken desires.

I remember one time we were in the shower at the same time, and I couldn’t help but notice those every line of his beautiful form. Oh, how I longed to touch him then. In the close and undisturbed confines of the bathroom, I actually came close to doing so, so powerful was my longing. But then I remembered: He hates me.

Sometimes, when I saw him approaching, I’d want to talk to him, to say something friendly, something nice to intimate to him that I was in love with him. But then I’d open my mouth, and instead of something nice and friendly, a snide comment would slip out. “You look like a fag!” or “Bloody faggot!” I’d spit out at him, watching as instead of reacting with hurt, he’d pin me with a blank look before walking away. He always seemed unperturbed by the antagonism directed at him. He obviously had a thick skin that could handle the insults and a close friend, whose companionship to him stayed unflinching in the face of our taunts. His friend wasn’t effeminate, but he bore some of the brunt by virtue of his association with Chi.

The tides of our relationship began to change on a visiting day. On that day, I said something horrible about Chi (something I’m too ashamed to repeat in this story) to his friend. And naturally, it got back to him. What I said was so horrible that it broke through his walls of imperturbability; I’d gotten so used to him ignoring me and my insults, that I was surprised when he to me, hurt and angry and threatened to report me to the principal. The principal, by the way, is this absolutely strict man who we were all pretty sure ate students when no one was looking. So of course I was scared witless by his threat, and so I denied furiously what I said. But my denial soon wound down to remorse and I found myself apologizing to him.

And he forgave me. I hadn’t expected it – but he actually did. Wow! This guy wasn’t just fine; he also had a sweet and gentle soul. If it was possible for me to feel worse about all the horrible ways I treated him until that moment, I did.

We became friends after that – like, real friends. We started saying hi to each other, hanging out and going back to the hostel from class together. To me, it was like a dream come true. Every day that passed and saw him being nice to me felt surreal to me. I started defending him when the bullies came for him, and when he wasn’t even around, I’d call out those who insulted him – which didn’t happen very often. It soon dawned on me that I was the ass-wipe who championed the hate against Chi. It was a shameful realization to get. Soon, all those other students began to realize that if you messed with Chi, I’d bring it. I had a reputation for kicking ass back then.

The end of the term – and holidays that’d usher us into our senior class – were coming up. And Chi and I hung out just before we vacated from school. As we spoke, his voice stirred up emotions in me that I struggled not to give into, even though I knew it was happening. I was falling in love with him – a guy like myself. I watched him and drank in his beauty. I said something and he laughed, and I almost fainted. I honestly thought I’d pass out from the joy of being there with him, of being the reason he was laughing. As his laugh wound down, he stared at me, a lingering look that said nothing, with a lingering smile that said everything. It was the perfect moment for me to do something, say something – to make my move. But I did nothing. I didn’t even know what move to make.

It was on that note that we left school for the holidays.

The holiday couldn’t go by fast enough for me. And soon, our school had resumed and I was in SS1. I was also very excited to resume with Chi from where we’d left off. However, a week passed since resumption, and he still wasn’t back to school. I had to ask his friend (who had become my friend), and he confirmed my worst fear.

Chi had transferred to another school for his senior year.

I was devastated. I felt hurt that he hadn’t told me of this. He had to have known he’d be changing schools before we vacated. Why didn’t he tell me? I felt so sad and betrayed. I remember staying up that night that his friend broke the news to me. I remember how melancholic I felt. I remember not being able to hold back the tears. This was thirteen years ago. We didn’t have the efficient ways of communication that we have now for me to seek him out. In the three years till I graduated, I waited and hoped that he’d pop up out of the blue, his beautiful face beaming, ready to warm my world again.

But that never happened.

Then came Facebook, and the moment I joined up, I searched for him. I mean, I really, really searched for him – even as recently as last week. I know his first name, but not his surname. So my search has always been hampered. All these years have passed, and I still cannot come to terms with the reality that I could lose what I never had.

Written by Logan

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53 Comments

  1. Delle
    May 12, 07:10 Reply

    And this is the reality of most effeminate guys. You get taunted by those who would give anything to be with you. There were lots of them in my school then. The painful thing is that you would never know their true intentions but just that brash attitude they displayed towards you. It’s terrible. However it’s not sexy at all. Why join the bandwagon of those teasing me when you really like me? Don’t you see your affection towards me at the time is something I could really use?

    I relate so much to this story. Nice one, Logan.

    • Logan
      May 12, 14:59 Reply

      Thanks dear. A lot of people always try to fit in, it’s secondary school, kids can be mean sometimes. I wish I was different back then.

  2. fabby
    May 12, 07:22 Reply

    this is why it is always good to make ur intentions know early, before it is too late.

    • DI-NAVY
      May 12, 08:02 Reply

      He was young and Naive… We won’t blame him. I hope he finds Chi.. Honestly .???

  3. aryan
    May 12, 07:24 Reply

    So touching..i came down from a bus at iyana ipaja recently and decided to get some fruits.my attention shifted to a nearby shop.i noticed two masculine guys trying force a feminine guy to walk Like a man.with their neighbours all making jests of him even to the extent that a guy screamed at the top of his voice saying “i fit bet 20k this boy here no fit put his hand down for 5minutes without holding it like this” making a gesture of how ladies hold their hand bags.i could see the pain in this young guy’s eyes crying for help and i couldn’t do anything.one of my worst regrets ever.thank you Logan for standing up for chi.i trust he is looking for you too.

      • Francis
        May 12, 07:43 Reply

        I go complete the sleep for afternoon after work. ?

        • DI-NAVY
          May 12, 08:06 Reply

          The heart break that comes with your crush changing school can be so excruciating especially during those days when mobile phone and social media was far fetched . That whole term wiil be so awkward for you walahi.

          • Pink Panther
            May 12, 08:33 Reply

            I’m still looking for the crush I had in secondary school. He was a year above me and for three years (I discovered his hotness in my JSS3), I salivated over him. Yearned for him. And for 3 years, I had no morale to do anything mainly because he was my senior. Other times I was just busy shagging other guys in my set.
            It wasn’t until he graduated that I realized how much time I wasted saying nothing and doing nothing.

  4. shuga chocolata
    May 12, 07:36 Reply

    Nice one Logan, I read every line religiously.
    I won’t say I understand or feel same way but I pray you find your Chi.

    all the best sir

  5. DI-NAVY
    May 12, 08:00 Reply

    Awwwwwww. Those of us who went to boarding school could relate to this…..????.

    Hello PinkyPinky. Hope you slept well???

    • posh666
      May 12, 08:24 Reply

      Did we kdians miss something last night? This one people are asking Francis and Pinky if they slept well.. Was there like a hook up between you two you are not gisting us? Francis how was the sex?

    • Xavier
      May 12, 23:26 Reply

      Yes we can Di Navy. You can relate well too. Chaii. Pink Panther should spill some secondary school tea please. Lol

      • Pink Panther
        May 12, 23:33 Reply

        LOL. I have been spilling since na. Check the ‘While We Were Yet Kids’ series…

  6. Michael
    May 12, 08:45 Reply

    They only taunted my not so small nyash. They’d be like “your ass is too big for a man”.

  7. Quinn
    May 12, 09:45 Reply

    Its always when it’s getting good, that the worst happens. I just have to say, femme guys are hot!

  8. Mitch
    May 12, 10:00 Reply

    Wow!
    The heart really is a quaint thing. Man is an even more queer creature.
    To have feelings for someone and lock it up within you is understandable. What is beyond me is having feelings for someone, denying them and then treating the person like shit. I mean, that’s just plain insanity and obsession to me.
    Still, I’m sorry Logan. I do hope you find him and you don’t make a mess of things this time around. And let’s pray he’s not only gay but also not in a relationship by the time you find him.

    • Francis
      May 12, 10:05 Reply

      His mindset should be in establishing a friendship once again. Years have gone by and people change. Make e no go dey over expect

      • Mitch
        May 12, 10:11 Reply

        Abi oh.
        Nna, it can be a falling hand something to still carry feelings for someone and the kain mmadu no even remember say you dey exist.

  9. Canis VY Majoris
    May 12, 10:30 Reply

    Beautiful sad story. …Please keep us posted on the search to find your Chi.

  10. Khaleesi
    May 12, 11:30 Reply

    Awwnnn, I can relate a tiny weeny bit, except that in my own case I somehow learned to “man up” real quick and became quite popular with basically everyone … sigh … a lifetime ago …

  11. Enigma
    May 12, 11:42 Reply

    My heart goes out to the effeminate guys that are facing bullies in their secondary schools.
    I was never bullied,maybe it’s different in day schools.But I have a friend that almost went into depression while he was at Command because of bullies.Hence,the one time I taught in a school,I made sure to defend the effeminate boys in the school.

    I hope you find him Logan,and I also hope he still cares that much about you like you do about him.

  12. ambivalentone
    May 12, 15:12 Reply

    Are u minding some of those useless boys? I woke up one night and found my back was all sticky and had that faint jik smell. Some moron(s) had gone on and wanked on me. For years, I had to wonder what kinda sleep carried me so

    • Pink Panther
      May 12, 15:17 Reply

      Wait, WHAT! ???? This is unbelievable. I guess they must’ve been feeling you up as they wanked. That’s a whole other level of creepy.

      • Kiki
        May 13, 18:51 Reply

        Lol. I can totally relate to this. I remember a time when a secondary school mate was feeling me up and wanking (I was faking sleep), and he just won’t go until one of someone came to my corner. So, he had to go to the bathroom. I followed him though, just to chastise him (more like wanting him to be bold and man up, hopefully make the right move but nothing of such happened) I just turned and retired to bed that night. Memories.

    • Delle
      May 12, 17:45 Reply

      Ambi what you must have gone through?! Eww I can’t even imagine the agony and horror. What was/were he/they thinking? That that didn’t scar you is quite a miracle.

    • ambivalentone
      May 12, 23:13 Reply

      @Pinky You better be believing hunnay. Shii b creepy, but I didn’t av to be d stupid-as-fuck, dead-to-the-world, lost-in-lalaland victim na
      @Adele Who sigh? When some o y’all talk about pineapple flavored cum, I still wrinkle my nose in disgust

  13. himbo
    May 12, 16:27 Reply

    Drop the school’s name. Some one might know some one who knows some one that knows Chi. The gaybourhood is small.

  14. Nel
    May 12, 18:45 Reply

    I totally can relate to this.
    He was my classmate. He was all I wanted but yet I couldn’t get myself to tell him. Not even after secondary school.

    Quick question:
    Is it a problem not being able to tell people you like em?
    ‘Cos I’M STILL RIGHT AT THE POINT WHERE I JUST CANT.

    Do I have a problem?

    • Francis
      May 12, 18:51 Reply

      I can’t really say if it’s a problem as some guys prefer being chased than doing the chasing. I’ve always liked being chased due to some weird personal reasons but not anymore.

      If I jam person wey I like die, na to open mouth talk. Worse wey go happen na “sorry but you’re not my type” and I’ll jejely slid back into friendzone.

      • Bryce
        May 12, 21:08 Reply

        You,work up the gumption to tell someone you like them?

      • Nel
        May 13, 10:35 Reply

        Maybe I like being chased, yeah. But I don’t know why.

        Maybe because I’m scared. And what I might be scared of, I don’t know.
        I just get tongue tied.

  15. Yazz Soltana
    May 12, 20:53 Reply

    Lol, Chi is probably going by one of those insanely annoying facebook names. Something like Itz Pweedy chichi LA’ganja

    • Logan
      May 13, 00:14 Reply

      I hope not, but that may be the reason why his profile doesn’t pop up in the search when I type in his name. You won’t believe I went through this friend of ours’ friendlist, she had more than a thousand friends. What are you doing with that many friends on Facebook.

      • Kiki
        May 13, 18:57 Reply

        Awwnn…Logan boo, hi. Can I be your Chi?

        P.S: I’m not a whore, na PP cause am

    • Delle
      May 13, 00:33 Reply

      It’s official.
      I know those making it to heaven.
      And you, Yazz, aren’t one of them.

  16. Adichie
    May 13, 14:49 Reply

    You are just so romantic even in describing his body and all. Just kill me with romance. But please oh I was taunted in school too but I didn’t see anyone that was interested in this sexy being been me.

      • Adichie
        May 13, 18:10 Reply

        Nna eh. O nwe ko di nno. Like ikr whyyy. Apparently girls are still threatened by my Ass

  17. Kiki
    May 14, 04:16 Reply

    Wow. This brought back some feeling I’ve had to suppress a long time ago. Hoping fate would be nice and just bring us both together. Mine was in primary school though (yeah, You read right), primary six. He was the best sit partner anyone could ask for. Didn’t know how it happened or started (can’t recall) but I just know our hands would find ways to go under the desk and start playing with each other’s little men. And the day he proceeded to giving me a job right in class, (hoemaigawd!!! Now, looking back I can’t help but wonder how a boy that age was so active. Chai!) it was just blissful. And then we made plans to take it to the next level, we both took toilet break and I was already wishing and hoping (didn’t know what for though, but I kept wondering) only for us to get there and uncle IH crawled out from nowhere making him utter the words “I’m not a fag, I can’t do this” You can imagine the hurt and heartbreak ehn, because I thought we had ‘something’ (did I mention he would share his break time snack amongst the both of us? And the times I would fake injuries just to get his attention in class nko?) so painful, I just left. We didn’t attend the same secondary school, but I wish we did, maybe we would have just looked past all the shits from before and continue the adventure, who knows?

    I did search for him though, and boy did I find him (not with his first name though, more like his English name and surname) but the account was inactive then I actually stalked that account for a long while hoping something would come up, but nothing did. I even went through the friends’ list, all to no avail. I miss him dearly.

    P.S: Please, anyone knows a fair “Leo/Ebube T.C Ndibe” that resides/resided in lagos who attended “St. Finbarr’s school” (not sure though, but that’s the school he said he would attend) should please reach out to a brother, abeg!!

    P.P.S: I think KD should have a lost & found section in which long lost friends can re-unite.

  18. Eddie
    May 14, 09:16 Reply

    i was bullied….one of my “bullies” was a creep who bullied me by day and tried to fuck me at night when he thought i was asleep…. Still hate his guts though!

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