Under Construction: Kitchen Sink

Under Construction: Kitchen Sink

…because a kitchen sink to you is not a kitchen sink to me.

It hardly is black and white. Happy or sad. Good or bad. Okay or not okay. Much like quantum superpositioning, it is any and all. I float and I drown. I’m high and I’m so low. I’m alive and I’m dead. Fuck, it’s a miracle I’ve not taken to drugs! I sometimes wonder if this is what hell feels like, or what it would be when I finally get there.

I guess there is so much hiding a person can do before they forget the way out. Layers of lies and deception that I’m beginning to question myself. Am I a function of my lies? Am I this guy or is he a tangent of another guy I created many years ago who is a tangent of yet another guy? Do I actually like this thing or does he? Am I even gay? Are my made-up stories real? Are my “real” stories made up? Sometimes I forget when I’m playing a character. Sometimes I forget who I am. Am I even here anymore?

At first it was a necessity; a way to survive. I needed to be better than I was. I needed to be stronger than I was. I needed to not feel like I did. I needed them. But as people saw through them, they had to become more complex. More real, and as they were better than me they slowly took over. Somehow I knew what was happening but as they got me through each day I gladly surrendered; a passenger in my own head.

I’ve been recalling things lately and I’m scared. I’m scared I’ll find out that I’m not who I think I am; I’ve built a sort of life on these people and I’m scared. On the other hand, though, it’d finally be a relief to know what cowardly thing lies beneath all my false bravado.

Written by Eggsy

Print Friendly, PDF & Email
Previous ‘Denrele is not gay.’ Psychiatrist says
Next Rev. Franklin Graham Denounces Gay Christians As “The Enemy” In Radio Interview

About author

You might also like

Editor's Desk 0 Comments

Lessons Learned From ‘She Called Me Woman’ (Entry 14)

LESSON 14 From the chapter, ‘To Anyone Being Hated, Be Strong’, BM says: “[My sexuality] is between me and God … I believe that in my religiousness, God understands and

Print Friendly, PDF & Email
Our Stories 38 Comments

S.E.X: The Gay Alphabets?

Ah, my tormentor from the comments section, he with the acerbic things to say, the one, the only Chizzie has finally written something, 🙂 something real not fiction, that he

Print Friendly, PDF & Email
Our Stories 116 Comments

What The Married Gay Indian Had To Say About His Marriage And Sexuality

An unnamed 37-year-old Indian man writes speaks out in an essay titled “My Wife Is Friends With My Boyfriend: A Gay Man On His ‘Situation’”, and published by the Hindustan

Print Friendly, PDF & Email

31 Comments

  1. ken
    January 23, 06:21 Reply

    Some people are just gifted in the art of words…nice one! I can totally relate

  2. Mandy
    January 23, 06:26 Reply

    This Eggsy just krikum-krakumed my brain with this piece. Damn!

  3. Khaleesi
    January 23, 07:59 Reply

    ***scratches head**” what exactly was the thrust and direction of this piece?

    • Max 2.0
      January 23, 08:10 Reply

      It’s about the lying and self deceit which we all go/went through at some point. When you accept yourself though, it all goes away.

      This is just a snippet into MGM’s/IH ridden individual’s minds… They lie to themselves for so long till they start believing it.

        • ken
          January 23, 14:32 Reply

          Pp unless u dont live in naija, theres always some form of lie. From tenders years, we are mostly taught to hate our true selves bcos its an ‘abormination’.
          As a result almost everyone is living in some form of fear/lies……….. Fear of being exposed, fear from the outcome of being exposed and we tell lies to protect ourselves

      • Tiercel de Claron
        January 23, 09:27 Reply

        And you just had to spoil a good answer with your usual stite.When will u grow up?

        • Max 2.0
          January 23, 09:50 Reply

          Happy new year @ TDC, thought you’ve been deleted from this world as part of the new year cleansing..but here you are again in all your glory.

          • Tiercel de Claron
            January 23, 10:04 Reply

            Seeing as i’m built to outlast u by decades,i’ll advise u perish such thought from ur mind.Happy new year to u too,Max.Hope u are good.You’re yet to answer my question tho,when will u grow up?.You can’t stay a boy forever

            • Max 2.0
              January 23, 10:19 Reply

              Over 1/3(>> 35%) of your life span has already been spent riding on a high unicorn and burying your thoughts in deep disturbing texts and rationalizing your entire existence on institutions that loathe what you are as a person, feeds you bread crumbs of their toxic pretence love, judge and chastise you weekly and yet you visit them weekly and make excuses for them( Stockholm syndrome effect). So if you wanna talk about being a child, take a long good look at your life and you’ll see. You still have about 2/3 of your life left, I suggest you make good with what little time you have left.

              • Tiercel de Claron
                January 23, 10:51 Reply

                Yet i’m not the one that lose sleep,throw tantrums n spit vitriol every chance i get,peace of mind yet proving elusive.Who’s it feeding on toxic fumes again?

              • Tiercel de Claron
                January 23, 11:04 Reply

                Wasn’t my intent to draw attention to the emperor’s apparel this day,just……beneath all the layers lies a better Max,a beautiful Max,i believe.We’d caught glimpses of him before.That’s who i’ll like u to find,bring to fore

                • Max 2.0
                  January 23, 11:16 Reply

                  I treat people the way they treat me, it’s as simple as that. If you promise to be good, then you can count on me to keep my end of the bargain.

                  • Tiercel de Claron
                    January 23, 11:44 Reply

                    I didn’t know we were haggling over a piece of merchandise.What are u selling,Maz?.All i ever wanted of u is that u be a better person i know u can be.Beyond that…..nothing else,really.

                  • Tiercel de Claron
                    January 23, 11:53 Reply

                    You’ll agree with me all i noted about you,sans any underlying malice,has bn right on the money:-)
                    Still can’t say why i like u,beyond the fact u remind me of someone those years growing up. So,the saving of u i’d taken upon myself

                    • ken
                      January 24, 08:41

                      TDC just be quiet, please!

  4. bruno
    January 23, 08:08 Reply

    at least you realise lying – both to yourself and to others – is a cowardly way to live.

    you have just one life to live and you aren’t really living it if you are not true to who you are.

    • D-boy
      January 23, 11:49 Reply

      What is living your ‘true life’ isn’t what it’s all cracked up to be?

      What if living in a bubble is what keeps us going? The world is a horrible place, yet we keep hope alive and live in a bubble telling ourselves that things will get better.

      People live a less than true life in many aspects of their life . People falsify their ages, earnings etc Yet we are expected in this one aspect be true or else be damned.

      And maybe bravery is a choice and not an obligation.

      • Pink Panther
        January 23, 14:45 Reply

        Wow. This has all shades of truth in it. While life has some meaning when you’re living it truthfully, oftentimes, a little bubble helps keep one afloat.

      • Dimkpa
        January 23, 18:14 Reply

        One thing about bubbles is that they burst. Personally I won’t put much premium on that. I want to live my life such that when I am on my death bed, I won’t have to wish I had lived like I wanted to ask opposed to living like others wanted me to.
        Though I am not a fan of hers, I believe Caitlyn Jenner would say it is better late than never when she is about to go.

        “It matters not how strait the gate,
        How charged with punishments the scroll,
        I am the master of my fate:
        I am the captain of my soul”

        Live your authentic life is what I would say. I don’t think there is truer happiness to be found outside that.

  5. Oluwadamilare
    January 23, 10:52 Reply

    Good piece.

    I believe the most important part is to be true to yourself…

    … There are some other people u can’t just be true to … Yet.

  6. Delle
    January 23, 12:00 Reply

    Thank God for my Longman Dictionary, it really came in handy throughout the read of this entry.
    *wipes off sweat beads*

  7. ken
    January 23, 14:34 Reply

    There are people who would’ve become another caitlyn if nigeria was a bit more lenient and liberal… but alas, the must stick to their fake loveless marriage till death do them apart!

    • Pink Panther
      January 23, 14:47 Reply

      So it’s those who are married that are trapped as a consequence of Nigeria’s stiffling gay clime?

  8. Stein
    January 23, 22:15 Reply

    I…wow! It’s almost as if I was interviewed and this piece was written

Leave a Reply