Under Construction

Under Construction

Things don’t fall apart, no. They rearrange themselves into something new; something uncertain. I used to think I had life pretty much figured out, but these days, I’m not so sure. I look back and I’m not sure exactly what happened along the way to make me as I am me now. Oh, to return to simpler times when all I had to bother myself with was not being late to school and avoiding the bullies and clearing my browser history from my cousin’s prying eyes and not making a sound when wanking! Not that things have fallen apart, no. It’s just…have you ever had this slowly increasing feeling in the back of your mind that you built a house of cards and forgot to shut the louvers? And that when you come back your innocuous construction would have mutated into Dante’s three-faced Satan ready to devour your soul? I think on these things and I wonder: How did I get here?

I understood I was a homosexual when I was twelve, thanks to the internet. Meanwhile, I’d always known I was attracted to guys, just not that it was a big do or anything. When I learned the label, I shrugged and went on with life. I had my first crush in Primary Three, and when he turned out to be a twat (a lunch-thieving twat), I moved on to better – and older – guys. My parents are Catholics, and my mum took me to charismatic fellowship every Monday, but I never went there for God (looking back I was never into him), no. I went there for Sunday, the sexy children’s instructor. I did not know the words ‘sex’ or ‘sexy’ then, or that two people can come together and make sweet music. I only knew I wanted him to lie in my bed with me and hold me till I fell asleep.

Then my mum got an internet-enabled phone and I figured out what that globe icon thingy was for.

I remember my first Google search clear as day: Naked nude men. Those images would come to be the source of many orgasms for months to come. I spent most of my teenage years wanking; even now that I’m twenty-one, it’s still a favourite pastime, although I’ve somewhat gotten control of my libido. Somewhat. Back then, data cost was a bloody nightmare and I had to find an alternative way of getting my man-fix. Enter Nifty, like Ser Loras on a white mare, gallantly strutting towards me with a stalk of rose; the rose being all-you-can-read erotica! More content than Google’s image search results, and with less data! I can say it now that I was a virgin sex addict at thirteen.

When I was fifteen, my mum took me for “deliverance” at MFM. I’d just attempted suicide. I cannot, for the life of me, remember what I was thinking when I took those pills, but I remember thinking, during the “deliverance” session, that the pastor really needed a shave and some breath-mints, and the church needed renovation. I looked at all the people there, old women and raggedy men, and thought that the devil really could do better. I mean, if I was the devil, I’d be possessing politicians’ kids and the likes, at least get myself in a position of power while I’m at it. I’m sure possession really takes a lot to pull off. Suffice it to say the “deliverance” was a bust. I did not attempt suicide again, but not because I magically stopped having suicidal feelings, as I still have them. Heck, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, so bully for Bad Breath Pastor and his pastor-y shenanigans.

A short while ago, my mum told me a childhood friend of mine died. I didn’t know how to feel because on one hand, we weren’t really close, but on the other hand, he was my first. Well, technically that’s not true; our house help was my “first”. I can barely remember it all now, because she left when I was seven-ish, so you get the idea how young I was. I’ve being asking myself what the bloody fuck she gained from it, seeing as I almost definitely did not get an erection, and even if I did, it would have been practically nonexistent. I don’t feel scarred or molested; I just want to meet her so I can ask her what she gained from it. Why she took a baby behind the settee and did…whatever she did to him.

Anyway, back to my friend. He was my first. I was his first. We were fourteen, although actual intercourse happened when we were sixteen or so. I found his number last year and we reconnected on WhatsApp. We were supposed to hook up earlier this year, but I had no time, and then he said the thing he usually said that gets me pissed: asked me if I had gotten a girl and if I’d fucked said girl and stopped being gay. I blocked him and that was it. Next thing I heard, he was dead. Bummer!

There’s much I have to say, but this is getting long and my brain is threatening to wander off again. Perhaps I’ll come back when it’s settled, perhaps I won’t. It is after all, as life is, under construction.

Written by Eggsy

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84 Comments

  1. Aj
    December 05, 06:18 Reply

    Of course life is under construction and there is so much to it. I remember when I got my first phone (a blackberry storm1). I had all sort of amazing things on it but then as time went on, I began to see things as they are. I love my straight friends and I will never block them for asking such a question. Don’t be a drama queen. Learn how to handle them. We never can tell what life is up to.

    • Mandy
      December 05, 06:30 Reply

      He didn’t say the guy who asked him the absurd question was straight. Clearly the guy was as gay as he was. And there’s a special kind of irritation that comes to you when that question about fucking girls comes from someone who’s into dick like you, than when it comes from a straight friend.

  2. Mandy
    December 05, 06:33 Reply

    ‘I remember my first Google search clear as day: Naked nude men.’
    When this is your very first foray into Google, that’s when you know you’re gay for life.lol

  3. Ruby
    December 05, 07:34 Reply

    Well….
    Our Lives are still under Construction cos we learn everyday.
    I actually hate when people tow the straight line with me.
    I had one partner who after we had sex asked me to get a girlfriend… Let’s just say that was the end of our relationship.

  4. Chuck
    December 05, 07:49 Reply

    “…next thing I heard he was dead. Bummer!”

    How pleasant you are. You & Sinnex and your ilk are to be avoided

    • ambivalentone
      December 05, 11:51 Reply

      He should be rolling on the ground like dem paid mourners abi? When some ppl die, the only emotion u feel is the inconvenience the absence of the services they provide gives you. Then its just ‘bummer’.

    • Handle
      December 05, 13:01 Reply

      Seriously!! You have got to be kidding me. “To be avoided” bcos he felt nothing when someone he had sex with at 5 yrs ago died.

  5. Oturugbeke!
    December 05, 08:01 Reply

    All our lives are under construction, especially for those who come on here to pass off the identity of saints who never hook up… to whom all others are whores…sips garri.

  6. Diego jay
    December 05, 09:11 Reply

    hmmmm…..really nothing lyk finz fall apart??? ….when police gbab u u go knw say finz dey fall apart tru tru…………… huh? did i just read u started tb @ dah age? guy u neva dey use diapers ni(dats if u re b)….. nd wats it wit u nd pple dyeing ???

    • Dick Advocate
      December 05, 11:49 Reply

      This one has come to rival posh666. Well.. Sorry boo boo! But we Can only accommodate one Razz blunder Queen at a time.

      Or could this be posh666 himself using another Monicker?
      **scratches head**

      • posh6666
        December 05, 12:57 Reply

        We are being shady this beautiful cold morning aint we? And i thought we were cool oh ok boo boo you started it now so……..

      • Stranger
        December 05, 18:39 Reply

        Lol. You and posh aren’t besties anymore? Lmao

        • posh6666
          December 05, 19:19 Reply

          Hmm can you imagine?i actually thought we were cool i guess the bitches aint loyal around here….
          Am so traumatized right now and inconsolable,infact i wont be eating dinner tonight Cock Advocate just broke my heart and now my enemies like fat ugly Chizzie must be rejoicing now?

  7. posh6666
    December 05, 09:12 Reply

    Well glad you are alive to tell this story and i honestly thought this bipolar disorder tingy was an american kinda disorder i mean who knew Nigerians also suffer such?

    Or maybe we actually do but dont just care to find out.Because overtime i have been hearing stories from people who i assume are living a good life and actually have it all figured out of how they tried to end it all and just sleep and never wake up….

    • Pink Panther
      December 05, 09:18 Reply

      It’s like depression. Nigerians suffer it but would never acknowledge it.

      • posh6666
        December 05, 09:20 Reply

        Very similar just seperated by a thin line like i have come to study and discover more about it.

  8. Chizzie
    December 05, 10:47 Reply

    Please let’s get one thing clear here, no one said anything about mental illness or bipolarity. You’d think that someone who claims to be a lawyer would pay greater attention to detail.

    Anyways I think this perfectly for the most part portrays the various stages involved in growing up gay. There’s the discovery of your sexuality, your confliction over it, discovering pornography and subsequent profuse masturbation. Teenage years are always so volatile more so for gay ppl.
    I remember being depressed for no apparent reason, and constanly being so angry and violent. I was suspended twice in secondary school, one for punching a boy so hard on the face it broke his jaw, cause he called me a fag.

    Now although I have homicidal fantasies from time to time, I can’t bring myself to ever getting physical with some one or being that angry, neither am I depressed.

    Its a phase and some outgrow it while some wallow in it and write blog posts about internet trolls while in their 40s

    • Francis
      December 05, 13:12 Reply

      ?? You just had too sha. Nna repent small na. Show us say hope still dey for you.

      • posh6666
        December 05, 13:20 Reply

        Lol my broda see me see wahala o like i dont get how someone lives 365 days with so much anger every single day,we are now in december and very soon january and i can guarantee you the whole of 2016 will still be filled with vile and hateful comments.
        Seriously this shit is old we have heard it over and over again kedu ihe ina eme?

  9. Dick Advocate
    December 05, 12:06 Reply

    Wow! I love the way this piece was presented to its consumers (Readers)
    Life is always under construction, life is always in stages. The way we handle the different stages and period of our lives makes or breaks us.
    I feel somewhat for the writter of the piece, I just believe there are somethings you aren’t letting out yet. Maybe with time you will reveal them and I do hope you continue with this piece. There is this unexplainable appeal about the piece.
    I don’t see why people get angry from questions of having a GF though. It’s just a Question and you have the right to answer or not but to go on and block or not talk to someone again because of that is excessive and uncalled for.
    Yall need to try ladies sometimes, variety is the spice of life. Sometimes when I can’t get a ass to calm my large throbbing dick. I look for the warmth of a vagina to do the trick.

    • Max
      December 05, 14:51 Reply

      Comments like this do a good job of refueling my disdain for people who claim they’re bisexuals.

      • Delle
        December 05, 15:10 Reply

        Seconded. Oh and not to forget, one’s IQ!

        • Dick Advocate
          December 05, 16:47 Reply

          Effi guys like you already share the same brain and IQ of women. Fish brain. So what’s there to reduce again.

          • Chuck
            December 05, 17:11 Reply

            Are you saying women have fish brain, or worse IQ than men? Please clarify

            • Francis
              December 05, 17:24 Reply

              Nothing to clarify. E don clear since yesterday abi na day before yesterday.

          • Pink Panther
            December 05, 19:46 Reply

            The same women you are asking GAY guys to do now have low IQ, right, Dick Advocate? Shame on you. You are not only propagating misogyny, but you clearly have no regard for what it means to be HOMOSEXUAL! I get that bisexuals usually labour under the scorn of the general KD populace, but really, do you see how your opinions are not helping your case as a bisexual? Guy, you need to reevaluate your opinions before you barf them all over this blog like they’re coming straight from your ass.

          • Delle
            December 05, 19:47 Reply

            Your foolishness does a good job at aching my heart, and that’s me being sincere. It’s been scientifically proven that women have a higher IQ potential than men…so next time ask a 10 year old to help you comment seeing as you are more daft than one.
            To solve your situation, start by changing your name. It irks!

          • Django
            December 06, 11:35 Reply

            Skeleton of the ancient bamboo. You suddenly think you’re more learned than any woman I know? What else do you think you know apart from looking for an arse to conquer?

            Mr Dick Advocate, kindly burst a move back to the 90s and allow people with intellect school you on how to address women come December 2015.

    • Chizzie
      December 05, 15:24 Reply

      I like the fact that we have a stereotypical Nigerian bisexual that comments regularly. We have the mean queens, the slut shamers, the Jesus Warriors, the razz mafias, the pseudo-intellectuals, and now you. So like you said variety is the spice of life

        • Chizzie
          December 05, 21:00 Reply

          No… But it adds to the humor of the comment section and let’s face it, this is how the average Nigerian bisexual man thinks, also like the majority of us, he agrees that Posh is a razz fuck. So I’m a fan ?

  10. Delle
    December 05, 12:11 Reply

    That question really disgusts me. Have you had sex with a girl? One guy even asked me, ‘Have you had intercourse with a girl so you’d know which you prefer?’ As if I’m confused about my sexuality. As if my being gay was a choice of mine and I ‘decided’ not to get attracted to the female folk.

    That deliverance parody was HILARICAL! I really look forward to the day my parents would decide to take me 4 a deliverance session. I’d give them exactly what they want, a deliverance acrobatic! Maybe after some demonic snarling, not forgetting to bite the pastor and even slapping my parents in the process (after all, I’m possessed, ryt?), they’d know what they got themselves into. Rubbish!

    • JoshDeity
      December 05, 12:47 Reply

      LMAO ?
      Go, girl!!!
      Sorry, I meant go, man…

      • Delle
        December 05, 14:22 Reply

        Lol Josh, you just had to abi? My God would keep fighting my battles

    • Chizzie
      December 05, 14:02 Reply

      ????. You make me laugh which is a big deal cause I don’t really find ppl funny. You deserve a medal.

      • Delle
        December 05, 14:24 Reply

        Aww who would’ve known Chizzie has a sense of humour? Oya, where’s the medal?!

  11. Sinnex
    December 05, 13:50 Reply

    After I few lines I realised that there’s only one person who wanks like his life depends on it…I wasn’t wrong.

    You have come a long way and you are almost there.

    Just so you know, you know where to find us.

  12. chalant
    December 05, 14:21 Reply

    nice. life under construction, hmm.

  13. chalant
    December 05, 14:27 Reply

    suicide av always thought suicide is part of the gay anthem, growing never got around to doing it duo.

    what’s the beef between mfm and lgbtq in Nigeria abeg. deeper life also conduct deliverance for homosexuals,and some few churches, but 9ja lgbtq no won leave mfm alone.

  14. ronniephoenix
    December 06, 15:59 Reply

    I can totally relate, being a sex addict myself.

    It is a total nightmare.

    • Chuck
      December 06, 16:50 Reply

      How were you diagnosed?

    • ronniephoenix
      December 06, 19:06 Reply

      A doctor.

      I’ve been diagnosed with allergy disease and multiple mental disorders.

      • ronniephoenix
        December 06, 19:09 Reply

        Continual or obsecessive thought or action relating to sex, obsecessive addiction to porn; these are the primary symptoms.

        • Francis
          December 06, 22:06 Reply

          #WorldStop. I thought you were asexual?! Abi am I mizzing something? #CarryOn

          • ronniephoenix
            December 06, 23:55 Reply

            I am asexual and also a sex addict.
            The thought of sex repulses me, but I can’t stop thinking about it or streaming porn.

            That is how “crazy” I am.

            It repulses me that I’m an addict.

      • Chizzie
        December 06, 22:45 Reply

        Ronnie I think the only mental illness you perfectly exhibit is dementia to be honest, cause your comments sometimes are downright nonsensical. I’m convinced someone who is bipolar wouldn’t even write such gibberish, only a mad person would

        • ronniephoenix
          December 06, 23:52 Reply

          I know it’s twisted, but I love you in a twisted way, you twisted gurl.

          At least you admitt I am mentally ill, it’s a step forward

          • Pink Panther
            December 07, 05:45 Reply

            Ronnie, you sound proud of your afflictions. And that’s not a good thing. It’s not some badge of honour you tote around.

            • Francis
              December 07, 07:00 Reply

              Lol. Maybe there are some unseen benefits in them….. at least I know my own small wahala upstairs get benefits. E.g Kito for don become my last name tey tey if I wasn’t paranoid as f**k.

              • Pink Panther
                December 07, 07:06 Reply

                This is not paranoia. These are afflictions. They are not something to proudly own at every slightest opportunity. It’s okay to accept that you are afflicted. But its a different kettle of fish when you keep wearing them proudly, almost implying that your personality is incomplete without your disorders.
                How does one heal when he’s about that? I’m assuming healing is the goal in the event of every illness.

                • Francis
                  December 07, 07:20 Reply

                  Over to Sensei cos sincerely speaking this >>> your personality is incomplete without your disorders = is how I feel sometimes.

                  Not that I scream it everywhere I go sha but it’s always there somewhere at the back of my mind

            • ronniephoenix
              December 07, 10:08 Reply

              Actually I think it’s a “badge of honour”, I am my illness. The only life I know how to live is by my illness.

              I want to put a face (name) on mental illness within the queer community, it is something a lot of us shy away from, but it is a part of us.

              About 45% of trans people are mentally ill, so also gays and lesbians, we can’t shy away from it.

              It is incurable, only manageable.

              So, yes. I am proudly mentally ill.

              It is a very serious and dangerous illness (trust me, I know) but it is who I am and I will never be ashamed of it.

              • Pink Panther
                December 08, 03:54 Reply

                Honey, you’re not the only one who knows mental illness. I DO. So please don’t speak to me like I don’t know what I’m talking about. Carry on being your illness. I’m one better. I’m the healing. As you should be. Settling on the crutch of your illness? That’s really quite sad.

                • ronniephoenix
                  December 08, 10:14 Reply

                  You know mental illness, I have lived it. It’s been seven years since the first symptom, I know what I am saying.

                  The first step to recovery, is knowing and accepting your illness, owning and “honing” it.

                  • Pink Panther
                    December 09, 04:15 Reply

                    Actually, it is not whatever you say. I feel like I should tell you something. There’s something you clearly do not understand. And this will be my final response to you on this subject. What’s a badge of honour? It is an accolade, an award if you may, something you put on proudly in celebration of an accomplishment.
                    And that is what you say a mental illness is?
                    I am not saying one should discard his afflictions, or reject them like they never existed in his life. Or not talk about them like they aren’t real and present in his life. What I have a problem with is this nauseating respect and adoration you seem to have for your problems, this extolment you give to it like it is what defines you. It is NOT! You are not first and foremost a mentally ill person or a bipolar individual. You are first and foremost a person, with so many other aspects to his life than his illness. I don’t even understand how you can revel in the negatives of your life, and shun other good things about it that you should fight to bring to the forefront. Instead, you flare up at every slight you perceive of someone deriding your mental ailments, like those disparaging words could snatch them away from you, like a toy from a child.
                    Grow up, my dear boy. When all you have to define you is your bipolar disorder or depression or mental instabilities, then that’s just sad. Whoever your therapist is is clearly not doing a good job. While it’s okay to own your problems, it is NOT okay to clutch them to you like prized possessions. They are not. It’s just like saying HIV positive patients should focus their pride of the fact that they have HIV and spare no concern for getting better. The ultimate goal in the event of an illness is not to be proud of it, but to be better of it. The sooner you realize that and stop all this sickening posturing you exhibit over your ailments, the better for you. Life is so much rosier when you are not obsessing over your afflictions.

                    • ronniephoenix
                      December 09, 10:39

                      1 you said “my dear boy” *no comment*

                      2i am so angry right now, I feel like throwing away my phone, but yoga really helps to control mood.

                      3 you haven’t been afflicted with mental illness, you haven’t been afflicted with hiv, so you clearly do not know what you’re saying.

                      I have lived my entire life mentally ill, I don’t know how to live without my illness. Mental illness is incurable, so the faster you learn to accept that you are ill, the better(ask any psychologist).

                      I will live my entire life on drugs and therapy, I will never have the “normal” life.
                      You have live a “normal” life, you and a lot people are also misinformed about the illness.

                      I want to be cured, but there is no cure (especially for someone living with multiple mental ilnesses -bipolar,ocd,gid,bpd,depression,addiction, ETC.), I’ve got to accept reallity, I have to accept myself this way and navigate through it.

                      I never talk to people about my illness because of the kind of reactions I could receive, like the one I receive here.

                      I am disappointed, totally disappointed in the lgbt community and the world as a whole, you guys make living; a living HELL.

                    • ronniephoenix
                      December 09, 10:47

                      …………And I experience delusions and hallucinations (schizoaffective disorder, a sub of schizophrenia), so I practically see my illness every single minute, there is no way you aint getting obsessed about that.

                    • Pink Panther
                      December 09, 18:44

                      You are funny, Ronnie. Really very funny. I find these tantrums you throw regularly on here quite hilarious, which makes it very difficult for me to take you seriously sometimes. Imagine the flyaway comment you made about me not being afflicted by anything and therefore not knowing what I’m talking about. That clearly points to your ignorance. You know how? Because you don’t know a quarter of what I’m about. You know next to nothing about me, my dear boy (Yes, I repeated that). You don’t make sweeping assumptions like that about people you don’t know. (I’ll chalk it up to teenage over-exuberance) But then again, I guess that’s the difference between you and me. I find ways to champion the causes of things I believe in, things that matter to me, without waving them about like they’re the organs that pump life into my system.
                      You may suffer all these things you claim to suffer, and Lord knows I want to commiserate with you. But when you carry on the way you do, I honestly cannot take you serious.
                      PS: Don’t you ever presume to know me and what makes me tick. Because you don’t.

                    • ronniephoenix
                      December 09, 19:46

                      First, I don’t think you need to know this, but I think you should. I was standing right beside a knife on the table when I saw you comment, and it was all I could do not to stab my phone and myself to a million pieces.

                      Second, you seem to be the one making presumptions, I didn’t say you haven’t been afflicted with anything. I said you haven’t been afflicted with mental illness.

                      Third, calling me a boy (while clearly knowing am trans and not totally alright in the head) is like me stabing you in the chest and leaving uyou for dead because you’re gay.

                      Fourth, I am sick and tired of this bullshit, I want this to end here, cause I don’t know if I will be able to sleep this night.

                      My last word- thank you and have a pleasant life

  15. ronniephoenix
    December 06, 16:03 Reply

    ………But a lot of stupid ignorant people will try to make it “not” about mental illness.

      • ronniephoenix
        December 09, 19:32 Reply

        Oh it’s you, you stupid dark ignorant chizie wanabe, stranger.

        HI.

  16. sensei
    December 09, 18:41 Reply

    @Ronnie: if you are asexual, then you aren’t a sex addict. I guess you meant to say you are addicted to Porn or have obsessive thoughts concerning pornography. That would be OCD. You seem to have so many diagnoses. Never encountered a patient with so many. Do you live in Nigeria? Just curious.
    And you say you are currently having hallucinations and delusions. I hope you are taking your meds. And by the way, when people have delusions, they do not know they are having delusions. This is key to the identification of delusions. The moment you become aware of the falsity of a belief, you are no longer delusional.
    And I have never come across a person who was proud of any disease, especially not mental illness which is a stigmatised condition in virtually every society. People rather conceal their diagnosis.
    On a final note, since I do not know you personally, I will not make conclusions on anything you say here on this forum. I only hope you are getting good treatment for whatever condition you are suffering from and I hope you get better. Cheers

    • Francis
      December 09, 19:02 Reply

      Sensei, never waka far abeg. I get my own question. I don’t even know if my wahala with light switches and sockets as well as paranoia don reach mental illness level (according to which ever grading you guys use) but is it normal for me to see the wahala as something positive? Is it me seeing the positive in a dark situation?

      • ronniephoenix
        December 09, 19:28 Reply

        Go on google, search your symtoms, do your research but if it is serious, then go to a doctor.

        • Francis
          December 09, 20:48 Reply

          I’d rather get the opinion of a professional shrink than google it thus my asking sensei

      • sensei
        December 09, 20:50 Reply

        Well, I guess by wahala with sockets you mean you keep checking sockets and switches to see if they have been switched off. In severe cases, that could be an obsession and could form a part of obsessive compulsive disorder. Furthermore, obsessions are typically distressing to sufferers. If you consider it to be something positive, then it certainly is not a disorder. I would say you have obsessive personality traits and it can be an advantage in certain situations. For eg persons with obsessive traits do well in jobs that require great attention to detail. If you are positive about the trait, then you are not having issues.

        @Ronnie: an asexual lacks sexual feelings while a sex addict has an excess of them. They are mutually exclusive conditions.

        • Francis
          December 09, 20:58 Reply

          Awesome. Thanks for the free consult. Psychiatry was one of the few rotations I hated in med school as I kept feeling i was one of them patients.

          • sensei
            December 09, 21:01 Reply

            You welcome. But should you need a fancy diagnosis at anytime, let me know. I’m sure I have one or two lying around. Lol! Kidding.

        • ronniephoenix
          December 09, 21:26 Reply

          I think it’s my turn to be a “professional shrink”, asexuality means a lack of sexual orientation not feeling.

          I am as asexual can be, but I have a lot of obsessions about sex and pornography. I am totally obsessed with porn but I still can’t stand sex. Sex repulses me.

          Do more research…………

          • sensei
            December 10, 16:38 Reply

            First of all, sexual addiction technically is not recognised as a psychiatric disorder and has not yet found its place in diagnostic classification. You can check in DSM or ICD 10.

            Second, sexual orientation has got everything to do with feeling. Sexual attraction is a feeling and determines sexual orientation. Asexuality is a sexual orientation that is characterised by lack or absence of FEELING sexual attraction.

            Thirdly, obsessions and addictions are distinct terms. Obsessions are intrusive thoughts and cause the sufferer a lot of distress. But addictions typically cause pleasure and cause distress indirectly. If you are having unpleasant intrusive thoughts about sex, you are having obsessions. And are more likely having OCD.
            The basis of addiction is pleasure. If you aren’t experiencing pleasure from your sexual fantasies, then it’s not an addiction. Likely an obsession. If it is pleasurable, then tell me how an asexual who is repulsed by sex can not only derive pleasure from it but go on to get addicted.
            You seem to know so much than the so called “professional”. I don’t mind. Please enlighten me.

            • ronniephoenix
              December 10, 18:21 Reply

              Okay, I feel weird saying this. I ummmmmmm *clears throat and coughs* massturbate everynight.

              It am repulsed at my continous thoughts about sex, but I can’t stop. Quite frankly I don’t care if it’s addiction or a part of my ocd.

              I am obsessed about sex, I orgasm and feel good about it. But it still repulses me.

              Are u vying to be a psychologist??????

              • sensei
                December 10, 20:13 Reply

                From what you have described so far, I would say you have a preoccupation with sexual thoughts that lead to masturbation. Masturbation once a day is not excessive. As far as masturbation is concerned, I would not say you are addicted. Feeling repulsed by masturbation may stem from feelings of guilt concerning the act itself (unless you want to throw more light on that). That’s quite common, especially among younger men and women.
                And i’m not vying. I’m a trained mental health professional.

                • ronniephoenix
                  December 11, 11:44 Reply

                  Okay first, yaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyy. *composes self* you’re a trained mental health professional, good.

                  Yes, I feel guilt, repulsion, disgust and total hate for it. I am trans and asexual, I hate my genital but I just can’t stop the act.

                  Anytime at all I am in the dark, I feel compelled to do it. It can’t be stopped and I feel terrible after.

  17. ronniephoenix
    December 09, 19:30 Reply

    @sensei, I am a sex addict and also suffer from OCD, its a comorbidity.

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