What If Donald Trump Were Gay?

What If Donald Trump Were Gay?

Originally published on thestranger.com

Two failed marriages, five children by three different women, multiple bankruptcies, scams (Trump University), ripping people off (contractors and suppliers), bragging about the size of his dick during a nationally televised debate. As others have already asked: What would they be saying if Donald Trump was a black man? Would Republican pundits, elected officials, operatives, and voters be calling him “presidential”? Or would they be calling him something else?

Way back in February—back when we were still telling ourselves that Trump couldn’t win the nomination—Frank Bruni wondered about how Trump would be playing if he were a woman:

“Imagine, for a moment, the presidential candidacy of a rich, brash real estate magnate and reality TV star named Donna Trump. Quizzically coifed and stubbornly sun-kissed, she’s on her third marriage. There’s clear evidence that infidelity factored into the demise of the first, and among her children is one conceived when The Donna wasn’t married to the other parent. Her sexual appetites have been prodigious, at least according to her frequent claims and vulgar cant. And she has a tendency—disturbing on its own, even more so in someone who aspires to civic leadership—to talk about men as sirloins and rump roasts of disparate succulence. She denigrates those who displease her on cosmetic grounds: So-and-so used to be a 9 but, with that male-pattern baldness and desperate comb-over, is down to a 6. So-and-so thinks he’s covering up that paunch with baggy suits, but we all know better. How well do you think The Donna would do in the polls? How far into the race would she survive?”

Not well, Frank, and about ten minutes tops.

Okay, now let’s imagine for a moment—a stomach-churning moment—that Donald Trump is a gay man.

And just in the last week we learned…

After meeting two young boys—members of a children’s choir singing Christmas carols—Gay Donald looked those boys up and down and said to them, “Wow! Just think—in a couple of years, I’ll be dating you.” And it’s on video. During a radio interview Gay Donald talked about how gorgeous he thought tween Disney star Dylan Sprouse was back before Sprouse hit puberty: (“I’ve known Dylan Sprouse from the time he’s 12, his parents are friends of mine, and the first time I saw him he walked into the room and I said, ‘Who the hell is that?’ At 12, I wasn’t interested—but he was beautiful.”). Gay Donald also admitted to drooling over nude photographs of Sprouse that were leaked online a few years later. That’s all on audiotape. But, hey, another video featuring Gay Donald drooling over pretty children also surfaced last week: in this one Gay Donald tells a ten year old boy that he’ll be “dating him in ten years.”

And as these revelations about Gay Donald are tumbling out—all these inappropriate comments Gay Donald made about the sexual desirability of pre-pubescent children—Gay Donald spots a pretty boy in the crowd at one of his rallies. “Wow, so beautiful. Bring him, he’s so beautiful,” Gay Donald says. The pretty little boy is brought to Gay Donald, Gay Donald lifts the pretty little boy up on his arms, and then Gay Donald attempts to kiss the pretty little boy on the mouth. Twice.

Did we mention that Gay Donald is a father? Ivan, Gay Donald’s oldest son, is his favorite. Gay Donald once called Ivan “a hot piece of ass.” And Gay Donald said this about Ivan on national television with Ivan sitting next to him on the sofa: “If Ivan weren’t my son, perhaps I’d be dating him. Is that weird?” Gay Donald also said this about Ivan: “What a beauty, that one. If I weren’t happily married and, ya know, his father… ” Years ago Gay Donald posed for publicity photos with his then-teenage son in his then-teenage son’s bed and more recently Gay Donald was seen groping his adult son on national television.

If Donald Trump were a gay man who couldn’t look at prepubescent boys without imagining himself “dating” them in a few years time, if Donald Trump were a gay man who said inappropriate things about his own son in public, if Donald Trump were a gay man who plucked pretty little boys out of crowds to kiss them on their mouths… Republican pundits, elected officials, operatives, and voters wouldn’t be calling him presidential. They would use a different word entirely to describe him.

It also starts with the letter P.

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14 Comments

  1. Mandy
    October 24, 06:41 Reply

    A Black Donald Trump, a female Donald trump, a gay Donald Trump would never make it this far and this close to the presidency. No way no how! The straight white male is apparently the ultimate skin to wear for you to be able to get away with anything.

    • ambivalentone
      October 24, 08:46 Reply

      I agree, thats for caucasians-US, UK, etc. In our own dear Africa, supremacy depends on whom is determined supreme by the society one lives in at the instant- male, married, rich, christian/muslim, straight, ‘old’….

      • Mandy
        October 24, 08:52 Reply

        I was speaking based on the international society. It’s not just a UK or US thing. It’s an everywhere thing. Internationally, the straight white male is the ultimate supremacy. Even in this country of Nigeria, the white man can have your countrymen kowtowing to their needs faster than it’d take your fellow Nigerian to get you to listen to him.

  2. Bain
    October 24, 07:24 Reply

    is it just me…or those the reference to ‘gay Donald trump’ paint gay people as paedophiles?….nna ehn.

    • keredim
      October 24, 08:02 Reply

      Did you read the last sentence??

    • Pink Panther
      October 24, 08:06 Reply

      Did you not get the entire satiric tone of the piece?

        • Mandy
          October 24, 08:54 Reply

          LOL! When they’ll kuku not have a sense of humour, they’ll miss the satire even if it waves a dick in their faces. 😀

  3. Delle
    October 24, 13:18 Reply

    Sorry, I tried imagining it and lost my breakfast…

  4. Introvertgay
    October 24, 19:11 Reply

    Lol…….if trump was gay I will still not like him it will not be about his sexuality but his views on how to run america and the world, hell even if I were to be in a gay relationship with him I will never vote for him.

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