What It Means to be A Nigerian Homoromantic Bisexual Who is Introverted, Doesn’t Like Anal Sex and Doesn’t Drink

What It Means to be A Nigerian Homoromantic Bisexual Who is Introverted, Doesn’t Like Anal Sex and Doesn’t Drink

To be me is to constantly carry around a lot of baggage. And that’s unfortunate, because even me doesn’t want to be me. From a young age, I’d always known that I was weird. Meeting people terrifies me, talking to people sets off all sorts of alarm bells in my head, and it doesn’t help that I’m clumsy and prone to destroying things with my feet. (One time, I killed a rat by stepping on it. What was a rat doing next to me? You don’t need to know that.)

It also doesn’t help that I have a stutter that comes and goes and – according to my sisters at least – a horrible fashion sense. I’m 6’3 (1.91 m), which means a lot of things aren’t going to be my size. And that’s on a good day. When I do make friends, I usually bore them to tears with random facts because I have no idea how to make conversations like a normal human being. I’m also shy, and unless you make the first move, I’ll usually refuse to acknowledge your existence. I’ve been called snobbish and rude and I’m also painfully aware of how large my stomach is –somewhere between a pot belly and baby rhinoceros.

I can also be obnoxious and I have an alarming dislike of unintelligent people. I like to make jokes, and sometimes, things I find hilarious infuriate others. When that happens, something breaks inside me, like I’ve failed in some way, so I go back to staying away from people. It’s a vicious cycle.

This doesn’t mean that I have no friends though. In real life, I have a few close peeps (that I sometimes wonder how they put up with me), and online, I’m part of a writing group that thinks I’m hilarious (yeah right). Romantically though, I’m as lonely as an island (I know that’s a horrible comparison, just roll with it), and that’s because I’m the worst kind of introvert. The one that’s content to stay at home all day and never go outside. I think of myself as having life bars and going places and meeting people saps those life bars. Extroverts have a lot more life bars than me and so I stay at home to protect mine. Besides, I have a pretty good idea of what to expect if I do go out.

Nigerians have a very firm idea of what going out means. You go to one club or the other, where you and your mates will drink copious amounts of alcohol, talk about football and making googly eyes at girls. Even my fellow queers neatly fall into niches of studs and femmes and tops and bottoms and versatiles. But I don’t fall into any niche. I don’t drink. I loathe football and I’m neither a stud nor a femme. I’m everything and nothing at the same thing.

I follow a lot of pro-LGBT accounts on social media and sometimes I’m vaguely uncomfortable with how sexual they are. Of course, it’s a good thing that they are unapologetic about the sexualities they promote and are willing to shout it from the rooftops; among the queer, I often feel queer and left out. To be a homoromantic bisexual (i.e. you’re attracted to both sexes, but will probably only fall in love with the same sex) is very narrow niche already. But when you’re not a fan of anal sex like me, you get the sense that you’re alone in the world. In a country where every gay or bisexual guy seems to have sex in mind, how will you find a meaningful relationship when your idea of a good time doesn’t rhyme with theirs? And even if there are others like me, how am I going to find them when I can’t even leave the house without mentally barricading myself?

It’s tiring and it’s sad and the short answer to the question I asked, is that you resign yourself to a life of abject loneliness. It’s hard enough to be a citizen of a country that loathes people like you; it’s even harder to find that you’re different even among the different. A real fixer-upper.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

Written by Michael Roars

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69 Comments

  1. Colossus
    February 03, 07:19 Reply

    Great, you’ve listed all the negative qualities YOU feel you posses.
    Now here is your future assignment, write another post to contrast this one. One where you write all the wonderful attributes YOU have, not the one you feel society has of you.

    Do that and maybe you’ll see yourself differently.

    • Fineman
      February 03, 07:38 Reply

      You’ve said what I have in mind.

    • Mandy
      February 03, 07:41 Reply

      I’m actually legit hoping he’ll take this assignment seriously and we’ll read an upgrade of today’s post soon.

  2. Mandy
    February 03, 07:45 Reply

    To be a homoromantic bisexual (i.e. you’re attracted to both sexes, but will probably only fall in love with the same sex)…

    This is the first time I’m learning about this. Is this part of what it means when people say that to be bisexual doesn’t mean you’re equally attracted to both sexes? That your attraction could lean heavily to either one of the sexes?

    • Canyon
      February 05, 14:45 Reply

      Have you ever heard of a biromantic homosexual (sexual feelings only towards same sex and romantic feeling for all genders)?
      Romanticism can be different from sexuality. Which is why studies say that no one is fully gay or straight.

    • Pink Panther
      February 03, 08:15 Reply

      On which part is he not alone?
      The homoromantic bisexual part? The introvert? The fashion fail? The part that doesn’t like anal sex? That doesn’t like football?

      You know Michael has plenty baggage. We just want to know which bags you’re sharing with him 😊😊

      • Kess
        February 03, 11:12 Reply

        Each day, I just feel I hear new terms from queer people. All a sudden, everyone has his/her own complexity.
        I just can’t keep up most times
        Like the first commenter said.. write down the good things
        Atleast there is an arm carrying all these baggage

      • Colossus
        February 03, 11:12 Reply

        Nna eh, the baggage here is plenty and the funny thing is that these are self imposed baggages. Nobody placed it on him, he took them upon himself and the things are weighing him down.

        • Pink Panther
          February 03, 11:29 Reply

          But labels are people’s way of making sense of their personality traits, not necessarily baggage they self imposed. Like social awkardness. I don’t think anyone sets out to be socially awkward. And it is not something anyone can necessarily just shrug off. Not liking football. Not liking anal sex. All these are perfectly valid preferences. The thing, for me, is to learn to see these things as character traits that improve who you are and not as flaws that weigh you down.

          • Colossus
            February 03, 11:43 Reply

            Which is the baggage I’m talking about, the self imposed baggage. Not liking anal sex is not a bad thing though I’m an advocate for trying it out before hating it.
            Let him see those things as normal, part of who he is and what makes him normal.

      • Cocent
        February 04, 19:52 Reply

        LOL! I’m Introverted although I am not terrified of meeting new people. I’m also a teetotaller, I really don’t like football.

  3. Jinchuriki
    February 03, 07:57 Reply

    This post is funny, but you’ll be fine only when you work towards being fine. So I’ve been told.

  4. Keredim
    February 03, 09:39 Reply

    What the hell is a “homoromantic bisexual”?

    And have you tried anal sex before and not liked it?

    Maybe if you stop wrapping yourself up with pseudo intellectual labels, you’d start meeting people and stop being socially awkward.

    I would never forget that En Vogue hit –
    Free your mind and your ass will follow

    Try it.😏

    • Francis
      February 04, 20:48 Reply

      Must one try everything before they make up their mind to hate or like it? That’s like straight people asking you to taste vagina first before you make up your mind to settle for dick for life 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️

  5. Adam
    February 03, 10:36 Reply

    My sexuality is just like Michael roars’ without the condescension for ‘unintelligent’ people. Find me on twitter @dantala_ if you’re a hopeless romantic too. This is my shot on love, sigh.

    • Cocent
      February 06, 09:49 Reply

      Muslim, against the status quo in Northern Nigeria??

  6. Pete
    February 03, 10:51 Reply

    Bikonu, are there heteroerotic bisexuals? #AskingForMyPeaceOfMind

    • Keredim
      February 03, 10:54 Reply

      Don’t worry, they will appear before the week runs out.

      Is it not KD?😏

    • Colossus
      February 03, 11:11 Reply

      There are so many spectrum oooo, just wait and see. Someone will make a post soon claiming homoerotic asexual

      • Pink Panther
        February 03, 11:22 Reply

        😂😂😂😂😂 You people are impossible. Homoromantic attraction is a thing joor.

        • Wonda Buoy
          February 03, 19:06 Reply

          Sorry o, but how is it different from being gay?

          • Pink Panther
            February 03, 22:44 Reply

            It’s different because he’s also actually attracted to women.

    • Bee
      February 03, 15:54 Reply

      There’s possibly someone with each combination of romantic and sexual attraction you can derive from the common and I don’t think it’s something to laugh about.

  7. Babe
    February 03, 11:14 Reply

    This was cute, that’s all I have to say

  8. Bigfoot
    February 03, 12:25 Reply

    Someone sent this link to me saying he thinks I should just open up instead of writing on this blog.

    But I did not write this! It’s scary how we are the same height and act the same way and hate the same things although I think I dress amazing. The world is just stupid to think we dress funny.

    And while I’ve resigned myself to loneliness, I thing I’d like to have a planet like you in my orbit. Who knows? We could make a Big Bang!

    • Bigfoot
      February 03, 12:29 Reply

      Wait an idea just crossed my mind. Do I have split personality disorder?

      Did my alter ego type this and send it to KD? Have I come out to my family but with another personality?

      Michael if you’re not me, please send a message to me. Except you’re me resident outside of me which would mean that I see me seeing this text as another me which means I may need to see a psychotherapist🤦🏽‍♂️

      • Michael Roars
        February 03, 12:53 Reply

        Um… I’m pretty sure I’m not you. At least I don’t feel like I am. Oooh! Maybe we’re actually twins and we got separated at birth or something. I’m off to confront my mother.

        • Pink Panther
          February 03, 12:56 Reply

          Let us know how that confrontation works out, huh 😂😂

        • Bigfoot
          February 03, 18:43 Reply

          I’ve been through my browser history. Turns out he’s actually someone else. 😭

          Sweet relief! (and I hope I don’t sound like I’m plagiarizing a Tom Tom ad) Oh and Mike we aren’t long lost twins, I have better skin.🙄

          And if you ever decide to break the law of inertia and spin out the orbit of your mental barricade. Say hello here. I’ll be refreshing this page for the rest of my life. (Notice the reference to Fault In Our Stars)

          • Michael Roars
            February 04, 16:23 Reply

            Hello. Breaking through was surprisingly easy. I only had to do some sacri… I mean, meditations and soul searching. The blood was awesome.

  9. man is gay, man
    February 03, 13:47 Reply

    Dear Nigerian homoromantic bisexual who is introverted, doesn’t like anal sex and doesn’t drink, I wish you’d validate yourself. Own your awkwardness, your ‘other-ness’ and quit despairing over what you deem your flaws. This sexuality thing is an endless road with too many turns (same as personality).

    Some commenters have asked you to “Loosen up”, “Stop wrapping yourself up with pseudo intellectual labels” and what is the equivalent of: ‘force yourself into having anal sex despite knowing it’s not for you’. They’ve also shamed being socially awkward. But, social awkwardness has been associated with high intelligence. Also, the more intelligent you become, the more weary of people you become (especially when they’re unremarkable). Highly intelligent people have a harder time finding friends and/or partners; another fact.
    Accept yourself. Reject conformity. Work on being the best version of whoever you want to be – without editing the most original parts of yourself. As to loneliness, be careful what to believe. They will try to convince you it’s the worst thing that could happen, don’t believe them. Just as sexuality, there are many ways to live a life. Live yours as it is and if no one tells you this, then let me: Yours is just as good, if not better!

    • Higwe
      February 03, 16:55 Reply

      Thank you for this !
      It’s actually intriguing how some people find a way to make people who don’t fit into their “perceived ideal gay ” status seem abnormal; when the society already sees all of us as abnormal…..leading me to believe, that if they weren’t gay themselves, they would be homophobic…..

      I guess at the end of the day, nature has a reason for making people exactly what they’re.

      If you can understand the complexity of your own sexuality – and normalise it -why can’t you understand the complexity of other people’s?

      Being gay is not about anal sex…

      Thoughts, mindsets, feelings, emotions and cravings are all parts of the condiments that creates one’s sexuality… everything inbetween, is its complexity.

      • Patrick
        February 03, 20:30 Reply

        I find myself always loving your comments, Higwe!

        Michael Roars, the only baggages I share with you are social awkwardness and shyness. I also don’t drink, and I’d rather stay at home than ‘go out.’ However, I have over the years tried to come out of my shell, be more sociable.

        I try to be functional and discerning about my social interactions. So, I prejudge people and situations who/that will require some relational/interactive agency on my part. I determine if it’s important and weigh my chances of floundering or succeeding.

        OAN, I think I’m the only gay man who absolutely loves football. I haven’t met any queer person with even a remote interest in football. Please, if you love football, kindly reply this comment so that I’ll know I’m not alone. We’ll share tea about which premier league player is DL 😉😉😉
        Thanks.

        • Tomi
          February 03, 22:03 Reply

          I absolutely, relentlessly, passionately love football! And I am quite sure there are others too.. Btw I rarely/never comment here but I just had to reply this, couldn’t resist no more…😁😉😀

          • Patrick
            February 03, 23:12 Reply

            YES!!! 😍😍😍
            My doubleganger!

            • Tomi
              February 04, 10:09 Reply

              Lol… Perhaps in this sense, yes…😉

          • Fineman
            February 08, 03:20 Reply

            Half of my queer friends would use my head as a bet over football match. They love it that much.

            I just don’t see sense in grown ass men running after a ball. (but, if all players are black, hunk, with nice ass and play in singlet and boxers, I’m definitely watching!)

        • Demi
          February 07, 11:53 Reply

          Yea… it’s funny I’m one of the few gay guys I know who loves football… Most times it’s the only thing I look forward to every weekend..

      • Black Dynasty
        February 08, 05:39 Reply

        Your words reflect my thoughts on this.

        One would think that being minorities, we would be open minded enough to understand how complex the sexual spectrum can be. But nope, some folks here still think sexuality exists only in their limited definition and are blindly judgemental, the level of bigotry still surprises me (I remember when i talked about being demisexual).

        @Michael, own your uniqueness and don’t look at all of them as flaws just to try and fit in. Fitting is over rated. Come to terms with you are and enjoy it for what it is. There’s nothing quite like the happiness and contentment from self acceptance.

    • Malik
      February 03, 19:08 Reply

      Well said. Don’t edit yourself if you don’t have to. Take your time. But dare to do what it takes to be happy and content with the few seconds that you have on earth.

      I’d just add that you may may be surprised about how intelligent “unintelligent” people could be when you’re patient with them.

  10. mr. mercury
    February 03, 14:19 Reply

    Thanks for this man. And to all the points you’ve made, lemme add this conclusion: “… and that’s perfectly OK!”

  11. Mark
    February 03, 14:59 Reply

    I have all the baggage including having a stutter except I have a good sense of fashion.

  12. Rainbow Nova
    February 03, 15:24 Reply

    My thoughts are…
    Mikey (Can I call you Mikey?), you’re way too focused on fitting in and being understandable (honestly it’s like you’re trying to be predictable) to both yourself and others. Okay I mean that you’re trying to explain and make sense of everything and anything you are or think you are.

    Honey puh-leez, stop right now and just flex, have fun and relax. Nobody knows every single detail about themselves not even the oldest grandmas. Now like Colossus said, please outline every single positive and good attributes and traits you possess cause then I’m sure you’d realize why you are different in the first place.

    You’re special and beautiful and amazing and sexy and unique and I don’t know why you would think being weird and different is a bad thing, heck I smile every morning I wake up because I ain’t like most of the Nigerians out there that don’t know 0.00000001% of who they are, my little knowledge I guard with jealousy and a fierce love, protect your peculiar personality. It’s who you are and what you will always be.

  13. Scripts
    February 03, 18:37 Reply

    Being bisexual is hard ,it even gets worse with raging hormones
    Sometime u dont want to gettup in d morning
    I cant say it gets easier but sometimes u have to find a balance.
    Contrary to thoughts u arent the only one.
    They are likeminds.
    As cliche as the support grps really help.
    Speak your mind to like minds
    Helps u listen to your thoughts and weigh you options appropriately.

  14. Arya
    February 03, 20:12 Reply

    I think it’s time we have this discussion on bisexuality. A round table discussion with tea, lemonade and cookies.

    I once had a discussion with a friend and I told him how I think bisexuality isn’t a thing (yeah you can pull the trigger here, or wait for the ‘gibberish’ to end). The definition of bisexuality has over the years become overburdened and overbearingly complex because we keep revising and modifying the definition to encourage inclusivity.

    The world operates in a balance. Life and death. Heaven and earth. Proletariats and bourgeoisies. Conservatives and liberals. The idea of a centre where one can be and as well not be is alien to logic and the philosophy of life. There is always a tilt. ALWAYS!

    Bisexuality is a tag people create to be themselves and as well be what society wants them to be. A case of pleasing self and pleasing society, everyone wins.

    Netherlands is the most liberal, open-minded and anti prejudice country in the world. Guess what, Netherlands has the least number of LGBTQ persons in the world who identify as bisexuals.

    You know why?

    Because there is no one raising the eyebrow or an indoctrination so strong it chokes them it believing they can love men and women.

    This comment is totally unrelated to the post. Previous comments have adequately answered and advised the poster.

    But I think it’s time we have this discussion.

    • Patrick
      February 04, 04:10 Reply

      Arya, you think the world is organized in binaries and this somehow creates a fine balance of two opposing viewpoints within the major economic, social, and political classes. I disagree.

      Binaries are a gross simplification for the complexity of human feelings, which manifest themselves in a whole range of viewpoints, perspectives and identities from one extreme to another. So what you have is a spectrum. The liberal/conservative political dichotomy is actually better understood as a spectrum. And people have taken up positions along that spectrum that do not conform to the liberal/conservative divide you speak of. Many moderate conservatives find extreme rightists (radical conservatives ) offensive even though they belong to the same side of the spectrum. Similarly, there’s a plurality of viewpoints among liberals.

      Sexuality is no different. And before you argue that gender is binary and biologically determined, think about intersex people: those ones whose genitals, sex hormones, chromosomes, etc. do not conform to the male/female binary.

      Not only is bisexuality a thing, Transgenderism is also a thing. A man, for instance, can feel like a woman because his body produces more female hormones. He’s not insane. Biology is complex. But bigots use this binary thinking to attack them. You as a queer person should not indulge them.

      • Tomi
        February 05, 13:26 Reply

        Na wah o… Oga have mercy now?? All this grammer? The blog is supposed to be open to all right? Even those of us wey* no go really go school abi?😂😅😅😅😅

  15. mike
    February 03, 21:59 Reply

    Homoromantic. Writers come up with descriptive terms they feel summarises an idea or they’re own word lexicon, as you read you’ll get a sense of what they mean.

    I think Homoromantic means someone who does fancies being gay but isn’t really gay, especially if being gay dwells heavily on the analsex thing.

    Dear Homoromantic, from a fellow introvert, being out going isn’t as great as yhu think it is, its all in your head, you should stop reminiscing over it. Extroverts too feel alone , even in the midst of a crowd, infact from a psychological angel, they’re more alone than yhu are.

    So whats your excuse ?, cause that is not an execuse and as an introvert you should know you are never alone. Extroverts are not as liked as you think they are, they’re just loud as seem not to care.

    About the anal sex thing, I have met alot of people, that ain’t into analsex, they label romance. Literally when asked what they’re role is they say romance or lap, I was once into chubby guy, great ass, great body but hates penetration, he falls under the romance label, still the best sex I ever had, if I can call that sex.
    Nigga you don’t have a problem your just over thinking the whole living life thing.

  16. Dee
    February 03, 22:05 Reply

    Pink Panther, can I have your email address?

  17. Hotstuff
    February 03, 22:18 Reply

    😂😂😂… We are almost alike Sha but..I love partying

  18. mike
    February 03, 22:22 Reply

    Wanna know a secret ?. No one can survive in the world, without those barricades, your term barricade is covered by the word ego, in psychology, a very layman’s term would be persona as in personality.
    When you say , I like this , I dislike that as in your case you like intellectual stimulation and dislike stupidity, your identifying yourself as an intellectual fellow, thats your persona, thats your ego, its not you, its not really you, its just want you identify with. Take a look at everyone around you, whatever comes to your mind, how you perceive them, that’s most likely there persona, there own barricade, their ego.

    As human you can’t function, survive in the world without it, its how we identify, relate, communicate , know our place, what character we play, its impossible to survival without those barricades.
    Because in each of us , is a universe of its own , man itself is a micro organism of the universe.
    Leonardo protrayed this in drawing of the vitruvian man.

    So once again, that is not your problem, truth of the matter is you don’t have a problem externally, you just have a problem with being yoursel, you don’t like your own reflection very much.

  19. mike
    February 03, 22:38 Reply

    Homoromantic, someone who fancies been gay more than actually being gay, especially if the term being gay dwells heavily on analsex.

    Lol, I have ran into alot of guys like yourself, sexually. When asked whats their role; they say romance or lap, I sharply block or cut them off. Cause to me back then whats the point.

    Buh this one chubby guy duo, still the best sex, I ever had, if I can call that romance thing sex.
    Your sexual preference is not a problem, when a person likes you, they like you, sex or not.
    Really don’t see how being bisexual is a problem, I identify as bi, am only interested in ladiesowhen I need something serious, doesn’t mean I have not had a serious relationship with guys.

    Nigga you don’t have a problem, really. Your over thinking the whole living life thing.

  20. IBK
    February 04, 08:35 Reply

    I read this and thought “autism” especially the part where you can’t read social situations well. But I’m no psychiatrist and you probably just have a lot of issues..
    Here’s the tea though.. how much do you love yourself? Learn to love yourself and many of these insecurities about certain attributes you have will disappear and you can work on the rest you feel need changing.
    Loving yourself is no easy task for some of us, I know.. but I hear it gets better.

  21. Dove
    February 04, 22:09 Reply

    I am hearing homoromantic for the first time but while reading, I felt the writer knows so much about me.

    Can we just have therapists who would assist us figure some of these things out? I’m tired of seeking answers from books.

  22. Canyon
    February 05, 14:52 Reply

    When I was reading this my thoughts were (me being 16), “who is this person that is me but like older and bisexual instead of being a panromantic demisexual?”

    • Fineman
      February 08, 03:26 Reply

      Pan what again?
      I wish we could use memes here.

  23. Larry king
    February 16, 08:48 Reply

    Hey youngman….I think we are very much alike. Trust me you are not alone on this one.

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