22:30
5:26 – Woke up with a start. A nightmare. Far less frequent than they used to be. But still seems rather real. Annoyed because it’s not yet time for my alarm to go off, but too close for me to go back to sleep.
6:30 – In the car, ready to head to work. Just set up my in-drive entertainment, travel mug filled with green tea in the cup holder, because fitfam is life.
7:43 – Just settled at my desk. Time to check my socials and reply my messages. There’s a “Good morning” message from Him. These have become a regular thing. Today, there’s a “dear” attached to it. Kinda makes me smile, especially after the conversation we had last night.
13:37 – Watching this week’s episode of JoJo while eating lunch at my desk. Rice, because it is cheaper than any salad, and fitfam will not bankrupt me. Earphones plugged into my computer to spare my cubicle neighbours the sound of people yelling in Japanese.
Phone vibrates. SMS.
I pause JoJo, take a look and then create a reminder on the calendar app on my phone. I’ll have to find a way to get out of the office early next Tuesday. Either that or call in sick.
15:09 – Losing my ability to concentrate on work, so I take a break. I glance around, and it looks like many people are suffering from the same affliction. Half the people in the office are on their phones. I do the same.
There’s a few more messages from Him. A picture too. He’s at work. Definitely making an effort to look cute in the picture. He doesn’t really have to try very hard though. I reply. I send a picture as well. Went for the comedic angle because I only play to my strengths. He sends back a “LOL”. This makes me happy.
16:00 – Time to leave! Thank God! I have a twenty-minute window to leave so I don’t get stuck in the worst of the traffic. I have this down to a science. I tell Tola I’m ready to go. She’d asked if she could follow me because she’s going my way today. I grudgingly said yes. Not because I dislike her; she’s great. It’s just that I’ll have to pick something else for my in-drive entertainment. People at work already think I’m weird. Not trying to make it worse.
20:17 – Splayed out on my bed. Just had a shower after the gym. Workout was way too rough. Did a bit extra to make up for the rice, but it probably wasn’t enough.
Phone rings. It’s…not Him. It’s a friend. He wants anime. I tell him I’ll download what he wants and see him over the weekend. All the while wondering why he can’t just download it himself. I am too goddam nice.
21:22 – I have decided how I will spend the rest of my evening. It is time to continue One Piece. I’m on episode 289. Only 586 episodes to catch up. I’m doing this while texting Him (just some light flirting) and a few other people. There’s a lot of activity in the secret office group chat tonight. Scrolling through, I can see what happened. Timi did what he does best. Drop a very divisive topic and run away to watch the carnage. I fell for it the first few times, but now I know his game. We’ll laugh about it together tomorrow. The topic today is abortion.
22:30 – My phone vibrates. Not a message this time though. A notification from a hidden app on my phone. I groan. I was so comfortable on my bed. I really should have prepared for this.
22:32 – I finally stand up. I make my way over to my chest of drawers, open the lowest one and take out a small bag.
22:33 – I open the bag and take out my medication. Swallow one tablet like a champ (no water required). Then I open the notification, input my pin and tap Done.
22:34 – While I put my medication away, my mind races. Memories and thoughts fade in and out. The lies that were told. The anxiety and depression after the diagnosis. The sense of relief when I achieved undetectable status. The weight of this – yet another secret I am keeping from my family and friends. My fear for my future and a brief snatch of hope because, well…I’m still here and there was a time when I thought I’d rather not stick around.
In that moment, I wonder if I’ll have the balls to tell Him sometime. I wonder if he’ll still send me cute pictures at work if I do.
22:35 – I shake my head to clear it. One thing at a time. I’ll live in the moment. No point fretting about things that have happened already or that may happen. All I have to worry about right this minute is making sure I sleep at a decent hour so I’m not a wreck tomorrow.
2:38 – I finally turn off my laptop. Damn it. I’m going to be a wreck come morning.
Written by Kazuma
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14 Comments
BRYAN PETERS
May 28, 06:45Awesome write up. I’m a very big fan of living in the moment. Worrying about the past or future never really helped anyone. Keep being brave and keep forging ahead and when you are ready, do tell him about it. If he really loves you, it won’t change a thing between both of you. If not, loosing what was never really yours is not really a loss. Rather it’s an opportunity to have room to accept what really is yours when he does come around.
Delle
May 28, 14:21This!
Mitch
May 28, 07:08????
You use a timer app?
I have mine down to a science.
I don’t ever miss it except I’m too busy at the time.
That’s said, this was a refreshing style of storytelling. Using timestamps. I like!
Máçnúèl
May 28, 09:30I can relate to d medication part, in a complicated relationship and one of d nights I was with him I noticed he was using his medication actually hiding while using it. I wish for him to tell me be open about it but would let him do his thing. Reasons best known to him.
Lord Miki
May 29, 03:38the fear of losing you cuz of the truth……
trystham
May 28, 10:35Without water? You take medications WITHOUT WATER???? Ya a boss o
Rex
May 28, 11:43You are doing great dear, just keep up and don’t over think stuff.
Much love from someone that understands.
Someone's Someone
May 28, 13:08I love the way you told the story. It feels different. As someone who takes the daily pill, I understand the last two timestamps. I’ve had love interests disappear just as fast as they came upon the “big” reveal. In the end, all you really have is yourself. Take care of you!
Higwe
May 28, 14:07Avant-garde …?
I love the writing style.
Share
May 29, 09:53Oga shut up and get out… Jobless idiot..
Sim
May 28, 15:22Wow, I’m getting old and still single.. I want to feel all this love ish again lol— but take ur medication with water.. stop playing boy.
Kazuma
May 29, 00:44Thanks for all the kind comments everyone! I really appreciate it
ChristianGayBoy
January 11, 09:14Hi Kazuma, if you are seeing this, i want you to know I LOVE your writing style. It was a very refreshing read.
Oh and I am an anime freak myself, funnily, I have been on JoJo and One Piece recently. Just concluded episode 578.
On this note, please can we be friends? 🥺🥺🥺.
Can I have your email address or can I give you mine?
Senpai
May 10, 08:46Ah
I see you’re a man of culture too