Previously on the BOOK OF DECEMBER


I returned Mother’s phone to her with a smile and she gave me this look that seemed to say: I know you just did something terrible but I don’t know exactly what it is.

Dalu, my senior sister, was still carrying face for me and walked into the kitchen. I left both of them, took my phone and placed a call to my gossip partner, Delle. When he didn’t answer, I called another friend. While we were both talking, Dalu walked into my room. Now, I have a policy at home: Nobody walks into my room without knocking. Babe sha flouted my rule and just walked in and stood at the side of my bed like she was waiting for me. Noticing her shadow, I turned to look quizzically up at her. Aunty still didn’t say a word and just stood there mute, glaring at me.

Taking the phone away from my ear a bit, I looked more pointedly at her. “What is it?”

“I want to talk to you,” she snapped.

“Uh, can’t you see I’m on a call?” I retorted.

“I can wait for you to finish the call.”

“While listening in on my conversation? I don’t think so. Biko, get out of my room. When I’m done, we can talk.”

Without waiting to see her reaction, I returned to my call. She must have realized I was in no mood for her, so she left. I was on the phone for almost fifteen minutes. And then I was done. Rather than seek my sister out, I decided to kick back in my room and read a bit before going out for breakfast.

After about an hour, I came out to meet Mother reading her bible. I talked with her a bit, and then went to the kitchen to take my food. Dalu was there, still looking like someone had farted in her face. I passed by her to get my food.

And that was when the war to end all wars broke out.

Dalu: Ehen, you’ve finally finished your call.

Me: Yes.

I was almost done getting my food when –

Dalu: What is the meaning of that nonsense you put up on your Instagram?

I ignored her and began walking out of the kitchen. But she snatched my arm and dragged me back.

Dalu: I’m talking to you.

Me: And I’m neither willing nor ready to talk to you. So kindly drop this.

Dalu: (incensed) I can see that you’ve finally lost your senses. This family has done nothing wrong to you. If you want to continue in sin and shame, kindly cut this family off. Leave this house and this family. We are godly people. You and your gay friends can do whatever you people want to do, but kindly block everybody that knows or is connected to this family. Anyi emero gi ihe ojo n’uwa a? What is wrong with you sef?

Realizing that there was no avoiding this confrontation, I dropped my plate on the kitchen counter and turned to face her.

Me: Obviously, you’re in the mood for a fight. But let me warn you, I hit below the belt and I always go for blood. So you’d be safer dropping this now.

Dalu: You’re very stupid. I –

Me: Hold it right there. So I’m the stupid one here? And you, the smart one, are the one who can’t understand the concept of Live and Let Live? I’ve officially heard it all.

D: Live and let live gbakwa oku there! Whatever is not in line with God’s word should not –

Me: Let me stop you right there. You see, the difference between me and you is that I’m a whole lot more honest and realer than you are. You believe in what you’ve been taught to believe in. I believe in what I have experienced and what is scientifically proven. And the part that shocks me about it all is that the homosexuality you claim is unnatural has been found to be a basic part of nature even to the point of scientists discovering the gay gene. I mean, you’re a trained nurse. Don’t you read anything beside your bible?

D: I read things that would improve me, things that draw me closer to God.

Me: Another lie. You read things that make you feel better than others, like you’re a better person because you’re chasing after God. Nne, truth be told, you’re no better than the rest of us. If anything, you’re just another idiot who’s lied to herself that she’s better than the rest of the world because she’s refused to learn anything new. You know what you are? An educated idiot! That’s what you are.

Her eyes flamed and she swung her hand, clearly intending to slap me. I caught the hand and glared a warning at her.

Me: Don’t you dare. Inanu ihem n’ekwu? Don’t even think about it. You try it and I’ll beat you into a fucking coma. If you don’t like the truth or can’t handle it, then don’t ask for it.

From the sitting room, Mother hollered, “Mitch, leave your sister and come and eat.”

Dalu tugged at her hand and I released it the way I would release something really distasteful. Then I picked up my plate.

Dalu: I’m not done with you, you this disrespectful –

Me: Sadly, I’m done with you.

I left the kitchen and walked into the living room.

Mother: (in hushed tones) Your sister is very upset now, so try to avoid her.

Me: She should avoid me. You think I have the time or space to deal with her bullshit?

And speaking of the devil, Dalu stormed into the living room.

Dalu: Bullshit okwaya? Do you know who saw those pictures? Titi! That’s who saw your disgusting pictures! A fifteen-year-old child who looks up to you!

Me: And your point again is?

Mother: Both of you should stop this shouting right now.

Me: Mba kwa! She has things to get off her chest. Let her. (facing Dalu) Continue.

Dalu: I blocked you on Facebook because of this your stupidity–

Me: And do you see me complaining about that? You think your toxic presence is something I look forward to on my sacred internet space?

Dalu: If you want to be mad, be mad away from this family. Don’t taint us with your shameful behavior.

Mother: I’m even yet to see these pictures that are causing all this commotion.

At this point, my sister brought her phone and showed Mother the screenshots my uncle’s wife, Arret, sent to her of the pictures I posted and the caption beneath it. As Mother was looking at the screenshots, I caught a glimpse of my cousin, Titi’s name, as one of the people who liked the picture. I was still trying to process that when Mother chuckled and finally burst into loud laughter.

Mother: Hian! Echekwam na this boy gbadi oto na the kain picture sef. It’s not today Mitch started wearing female clothes na. Bikonu, allow me to rest. And you sef, Mitch, it is God that will save you in this life. Yeye boy! You people should give me space to study my bible, biko.

I was nonplussed. I stared at my mother, unable to believe that she, of all people, was taking the entire thing as the joke it was meant to be. I mean, she is the queen of misinterpretations and reading absolutely insane meanings into things.

Dalu couldn’t believe her reaction either. It was as if, with Mother’s lack of open disapproval, she had lost her case.

Turning to her with a very smug look on my face, I said, “Dalu, the only thing I’ve got to tell you is, it’s my life. It’s mine to live however I want to live it. And I choose to live my truth. Not yours or someone else’s or how some religious book tells me to live my life. So kindly stay out if you don’t want to get the education you seem cursed not to get.”

Mother: Mitch, ozugo. Get inside your room now.

With that, the confrontation ended.

And the day went on smoothly – or as smoothly as my surly sister would let it.

Later that evening, I went to Mother’s room to get something. At her doorway (she was facing away from the door), I realized she was making a call. And not just any call, but a WhatsApp video call. And I knew instantly who was connected to her. Only Dom’s wife, Arret, places WhatsApp video calls to my mother.

The call was on speakerphone so I decided to eavesdrop.

Arret: …couldn’t believe it. Imagine Titi liking that picture. I beat the madness out of her. Can you imagine? You know I don’t follow anyhow people on Instagram. So when I saw the suggestion for Mitch and checked his page only to see that picture, I knew I had to act. What rubbish!

Mother: I’ve told you people. The only thing you can do is pray for Mitch. That’s all.

Arret: Ah! Sister mi, trust me. I constantly bind that evil spirit and cast it back to hell where it belongs. It cannot be in our family. God forbid bad thing.

At this point, I’d heard all I needed to hear. I walked into the room.

And with a very loud voice so Arret would hear me through the phone, I spoke to my mother, “Mom, tell Arret that I said she’s a very stupid woman. Tell her I said her stupidity is an eternal curse upon her and I hope it doesn’t affect my cousins. Instead of her to face her philanderer of a husband, it’s my life she wants to come and play judge over. If she likes, let her not focus on her family. Jobless fool…!

As I was still ranting, Mother disconnected the call, turned to me and shook her head.

Mother: You kuku want to kill everybody today. Ojikwagi bad-bad.

Me: Mbanu! Everybody wants to sit in judgment over my life and tell me how to live it, what to do and how to do it – both those that have a stake in my life and those that don’t. Rubbish!

On that note, I took what I came to her room for and walked out.

And at last, there was peace.

But it wouldn’t be for long.


Written by Mitch

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  1. Victor Ukpa
    February 17, 10:18 Reply

    Oh please stop this boring cliche story again…. end this already. Just pull someone and give them this boring gist you call ‘book of december’ and save us the headache of reading through this slow-paced borefest!

    • Tiercel de Claron
      February 17, 10:34 Reply

      Nobody forced you to read,Nodcock.
      Just skip the “borefest” and go read posts much to your taste.

      • Mandy
        February 17, 10:41 Reply

        TDC, leave the Chizzie-wannabe let him keep being extra. His “I’m a bitch” drama has devolved into background noise around here. ?

    • Mitch
      February 17, 10:56 Reply

      Last I checked, Victor, no one asked or begged you to read so keep your filthy, unsavory comments and thoughts to yourself.

    • Dunder
      February 17, 11:21 Reply

      There are less desperate ways to get noticed. There are more efficient ways to reach out for help. Troll food is not going to heal the hollow inside.

    • Francis
      February 18, 01:11 Reply

      Na who be this Ukpaka person oh? ? ? Them no give you attention as small pikin?

  2. Mandy
    February 17, 10:44 Reply

    If the filthy read you gave your uncle gave me life, this epic shutdown of your sister guaranteed me eternal life. Jesus! ??? After this, pretty sure your sister won’t tresspass against you anymore.

    And your uncle’s wife though… Madam is saddled with a husband who may fuck his way from pussy to nyash, and she’s here giving herself headache over another person’s life. Odiegwu.

    • Mitch
      February 17, 10:58 Reply

      The thing taya me join oh. I just decided enough was enough with family interfering in my life and babe gave me the chance to tell her a few of the horrible things that pass through my head daily about her.

  3. Dunder
    February 17, 11:16 Reply

    Jeeeeez…. Thank G/god I’m an atheist (LOL!). The cognitive dissonance required to read a book that relegates you for your gender and race then use that same book to show your own blood the yellow card. I knew your sister was loading a God warrior diatribe from those looks in the first part.

    I wont advise that you let your guard down with her but it would help her to process her feelings- when you are touting splitting your family as an option because of what a picture may mean, the fear of hell is not directly at the wheel. Rather, it is a fear of what others will say or think which is rather sad. Religion may be the spoken defense but shame over being different (from what culture and religion dictate) is the real motivation. She still has fundamental questions to ask and answer herself but it is easier to pastor others than do that work inside.

    I’m gladdened by your Mum’s response and I think it can be credited by your own consistency and resilience over time. Parents may demand conformity using all tools and the kitchen sink but when a child doesn’t sway, he/ she will earn his space and sometimes, their respect. Everyone has a plan for your life. If you don’t fight for your own blueprint, you will end up a Frankenstein no one would take ownership of.

    Aunty Arret that wont beat her husband but would go after children, the young shall grow o! It may have seemed rude but believe me, your dishing it back to them hot and nasty will give your cousins permission to refuse to be treated badly by ignorant hypocrites who will confront everything but their own direct issues. Thanks for this.

    • Mitch
      February 17, 15:02 Reply


      My sister’s issue wasn’t the picture. It was what people would say. And to me, that’s just an insane excuse. No human being has a stake on my life, not even my mother who I can kill for.

  4. trystham
    February 17, 12:40 Reply

    Truth be told, I did not really feel ur washing out of Dalu. You didn’t draw the kinda blood that makes sharks like me dance for joy. I hope the next instalment will be as gory as ur uncle’s dismemberment

    • Mitch
      February 17, 14:59 Reply


      I could have sunk lower but Mom would have flayed me alive. She’d already given my sister a hot tongue lashing the previous night. I wasn’t going to finish the poor girl off even if she’s stupid as fuck.

  5. Higwe
    February 17, 15:15 Reply

    Am I the only one that thinks you went just a little bit too far .
    I do understand pent up anger and frustration but then family is the only thing one can really count on when push comes to shove.
    And all these outbursts won’t really have much impact on you , your mother will be the one bearing the brunt.
    Try and be more tactical in your approach, you’ll achieve the same thing, only with less casualties (yourself not exempted)

      • Malik
        February 18, 00:52 Reply

        Mine too, I’m sorry.

        • Pankar
          February 28, 09:21 Reply

          I don’t think family deserves such bitterness. I make my point daily to mine and always smile when I later see them coming around..none of us willing to relinquish that bond of family that we all need. I normally start it first yet, living my gay life

          And its good to be independent

    • Francis
      February 18, 01:16 Reply

      Family is the only thing one can count on?! Nna speak for yourself. That your own family is working or you’re making it work for you doesn’t mean it’s working for others. As if no be because of some yeye family some people dey slit wrists and jump bridges. ???

      My only problem with Mitch is that he’s not independent yet and that’s what scares me sometimes.

  6. Lexyfirenze
    February 22, 14:08 Reply

    Actually reading this on transit and giving this hilarious laughter with people looking at me like…
    Nice one Mitch

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