Man “Straightens” His Mannerisms, Wonders If He’s Being Untrue To Himself

Man “Straightens” His Mannerisms, Wonders If He’s Being Untrue To Himself

A man on Reddit hated his effeminate mannerisms, so he made a conscious effort to act more traditionally masculine. Now he wonders if he’s being untrue to himself.

“Growing up I was very effeminate,” the post begins. “I got a lot of flack for it as a kid.”

As a result, the man says he developed “a major inferiority complex.”

He continues, “In recent years, I became more confident and learned to stop comparing myself to others, and in turn, I was able to feel more comfortable while being masculine. I did make an active decision to change my mannerisms, purely because I didn’t like the way I looked in the mirror when I had effeminate gestures/mannerisms.”

The man goes on to say that his friends have started referring to him as “straight passing,” which has started to cause a rift between them.

“These gay friends of mine are very feminine,” the man explains. “Recently, they’ve kind of accused me of being untrue to myself and self-hating for changing. They said if having feminine mannerisms comes natural to me then I should just embrace it rather than conform to society’s ideals and gender norms.”

“But am I conforming?” he wonders. “I simply just don’t like the way I look with feminine gestures/mannerisms and decided to change it. Am I not being true to myself and self-hating for butching up my mannerisms when I’ve been effeminate all my life?”

Naturally, his fellow Reddit users had lots to say.

“As long as you feel more comfortable now, I don’t see any problem,” one person replies.

“I’m in the same boat as you,” another person adds. “Sometimes when I drink, my pinky goes up. I changed that simply because it irritates me when I do that. We all have this image in our head of who we want to be and I didn’t want to be the guy who sips his drink with his pinky up.”

“Being true to yourself literally means doing whatever comes naturally to you and makes you happy,” a third person says. “If butching up makes you happy and more confident, butch it up.”

But not everyone seems to agree.

“I mean… you changed your mannerisms because you hated them,” someone else writes. “I think that should answer your question enough. You did it because you were ostracized and picked on for your femininity, and you wanted to be able to pass by fitting societies standards.”

Another person adds: “I think that when you say you made an active decision to change your mannerisms purely because you didn’t like the way you looked in the mirror when you were more effeminate, you’re underplaying the pressure you were clearly under to conform to a particular way of being a man. That sounds like it required/requires a huge amount of effort and energy and self-policing, and I couldn’t imagine having to live that way.”

“If being ‘true to yourself’ makes you uncomfortable, then you’re not being true to yourself, you’re being true to someone’s expectation of you,’ a third person chimes in. “Tell them to go fuck a potato and just be you.”

What do you think? Is this man’s intentional “butching up” of his mannerisms the outward manifestation of a deep-seed self-hated? Sound off in the comments section below.

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  1. Jamie
    March 13, 07:05 Reply

    I know that you ought to ask if you’re doing this to impress someone else, you’re ridiculous, and there’s a great percentage that homophobia gave you this femme-loathing concept of validity. However, whatever makes you happy, even if it’s caused by external or internal stimuli, is natural to you, simple!! Just make sure it’s in no conflict with your psychological, emotional and physical being; even if there is, weigh the consequences of ”manning up” or otherwise, and make the best choice for yourself.

  2. Mr. Fingers
    March 13, 07:54 Reply

    So long as u are doing it for u and not to gain acceptance from society.

    I pray u find the peace u are looking for. We all need it.

    NB: by the way PP after reading yesterday’s drama I want to suggest that u start deleting some hateful comments in some posts.
    It’s hard getting hateful comments from straight ppl but when u get them from others in the LGBT community for whatever reason it’s worse.

  3. ambivalentone
    March 13, 08:06 Reply

    Well, he said he never felt comfy with his effeminate attitude. If he is now, its all good. I won’t guilt trip him if he is my friend, but the minute he starts telling me to act more masculine, he’s gonna get an earful from me. That’s not something to look forward to.
    Funny tho, subconsciously I may begin to emulate him

  4. Absalom
    March 13, 08:53 Reply

    Is he happy? Does he continually care what people think?

    I started changing my mannerisms at age 12 because I got tired of being teased, and because my aunt once said: “It is not good for people to see a boy and wonder if he’s a girl!” (Was that from the book of Genesis?)

    But then, what I’ve learnt is: living up to an “ideal” brought on by external pressure can be a lifelong and exhausting struggle.

    In SS1, I remember answering a question in Chemistry class and my teacher remarked: “You have the eyes of a girl.” I mean, here I was trying my best to convince everybody in my life that I could share a table with Jason Statham without being mistaken for his girl (which’d be nice!) and now this teacher is sabotaging everything by announcing that I have “lady’s eyes”? Sigh.

    University: My roommate saw me making a shopping list and mocked me, saying “only women” wrote shopping lists. That made no sense. Here I was, writing a list of things I wanted to buy so I would not forget and so I could properly budget – and that too is “girly”? What can one ever do to please these people? If I’d gone to that market and bought more than I could afford (maybe ended up trekking home) or even forgotten to buy a vital item, this same roommate (I’m sure) would have laughed at me.

    That was when I started to gradually unlearn all the rubbish I was taught about gender.

    Despite my best efforts, when people looked closely they could still tell that I had a femme “history” or link me to some aspect of femininity.
    So I stopped bothering either way. Most importantly, all the self-policing and relying on public perception to be happy stopped. I simply LIVED. And still do.

    (During my NYSC, a friend told me only girls love ice-cream they way I do! lol. The old me – pre-19 – would have worried about the comment, but that day I considered the comment cute and the next day I was eating my ice-cream again, in front of him.)

    People ask me why I chew gum, and rub powder. And I tell them: Because I like to. Sometimes people get bored; I try not to let them use me to relieve themselves – that’s what Africa Magic exists for.

    What the story of the old-man-his-son-and-their-donkey taught me is: there’s no version of myself I’ll present to the world that will make EVERYBODY completely happy and uncritical. So why not just be myself anyway?

    • Pink Panther
      March 13, 09:12 Reply

      My God! Absalom, I can’t even begin to describe the braingasm this comment gave me.

      ‘so I stopped bothering… Most importantly, all the self-policing and relying on public perception to be happy stopped. I simply LIVED. And still do.’

      Wonderful! Simply wonderful.

    • Colossus
      March 13, 11:26 Reply

      When did you begin rubbing powder? Is it Mary Kay?

      • Absalom
        March 13, 11:37 Reply


        I normally use Tara pressed powder and sometimes I go with Iman. ?

    • Colossus
      March 13, 11:30 Reply

      If someone told me that making shopping lists and I loving ice cream is a lady’s thing, I’ll only look down and scream,
      “Good God, is that a vagina I see in between my legs?”

      • Absalom
        March 13, 11:39 Reply

        ?? ?

        Like I said, people are bored. You’ll be surprised the things they’ll comment on just so their mouths won’t smell! ?

      • JoshDeity
        March 13, 13:43 Reply

        ?? Come on, that’s just crazy… I should try that some time.

  5. Delle
    March 13, 09:15 Reply

    It’s about what he feels comfortable doing. He was feminine, he hated it, hated his reflection in the mirror and made a conscious effort to change…that’s an individual thing. Good for him.
    It becomes a problem if he starts bashing people he feels are still feminine just cos he’s not anymore…apparently, he has feminine friends, so that’s far-fetched. Many people are not comfortable in their skins and want the world to view them in a particular perspective. It’s no news that effeminate guys get more ridicule on a daily than even a known criminal esp in this society, while others can change that, some do not have all there is to change the mannerisms. Whatever works for you, good.

    Some guys I know would say, ‘If you are feminine, I don’t think I can walk in public with you, but once we get indoors, you can let your hair down to any length you want’, do you know how depressing those words are to the receiver? Not everyone wants to deal with such, so I get where he’s coming from. Don’t just do it cos you feel femininity makes you inferior, it doesn’t. What makes you inferior is when you let the constant jabs make you recoil like a threatened tortoise. Above all, be who you are, what you feel best in…no one should dictate just how they want you to live YOUR life. If they are not comfortable with it, they could kiss Mugabe’s dog.

  6. wife beater
    March 13, 09:28 Reply

    I started straightenin out at 15,that translated to outright contempt for effeminate guys,i mean why is it so hard for them to catch up?…comments that suggested i still had feminine demeanor n shii could ruin my whole day then but i have learnt painfully that the gender stereotypin in our clime is too heavy for any born-effeminate dude to totally straighten out! Now am in total awe of feminine guys,even have 1 buddy that makes my family steer one kyn one kyn whenever he visits.

  7. Tobby
    March 13, 09:43 Reply

    As long as you feel fine!.

    There are things we’d all love to change about ourselves

  8. jay-kay
    March 13, 14:05 Reply

    Feminine guys ought to start manning up at least in public. I agree with anyone that you just have to be you and care less about what people would say. Buh tbh, feminine guys are just a total turn off, if I wanted to be with a girl, I will simply go for a real girl. When I walk on the streets with a feminine guy people begin to ask me silly questions like “dis one u din dey Waka with this homo, hope u never join. And I really hate such comments. If all guys could act like men and still be gay at least we will have our peace

    • ambivalentone
      March 13, 14:16 Reply

      I’ll stake my life on it that u must be one of dose ‘reformed effetes’. The way u just BITCHED, it stinks to the heavens. In the end, you bend over for the ‘D’ just like any other gay effete.

      • Tiercel de Claron
        March 13, 22:36 Reply

        I really don’t know what some hold against effeminate guys.I find them very sexy,especially those that walk with grace,glide.
        Anyone worried about what ‘people’ may say if seen with one should really look to himself n work out whatever it is that makes him feel insecure.

    • Delle
      March 13, 15:50 Reply

      Who does this demented homophobe think he’s fooling with this jumbled up piece of trash?! You know what? I don’t blame you, it’s those poor souls that would agree to walk with a stray dog I blame. Go and fix yourself before your IH swallows the little persona that’s fighting to breathe in that pile of trash you call a body!

      • ambivalentone
        March 13, 16:23 Reply

        lol. You dey mind the mumu ni? If his ‘friends’ didn’t see a lot in common besides just being gay, he wouldn’t dare be able to lick the dung they mistakenly stepped in off their shoes. I only hope they realise their mistake and unfriend one as worthless as him.

  9. Mitch
    March 13, 14:22 Reply

    I did the same thing and right now, I’m trying so hard to femme up again. Being butch isn’t me and I can’t keep lying to myself.

  10. jay-kay
    March 13, 17:19 Reply

    Lol. Before nko. Manning up is good. Try it. You”ll see that for the first time in your life no one will ridicule or tease u. And you will feel normal. Just try am. I don’t insult people I dunno over the net. If you were talking to me face to face. I guess you would have received a heavy punch in the nose. That’s how I do my thing.

    • ambivalentone
      March 13, 20:03 Reply

      Bwahahahahahaha YOU??? Will throw a punch with WHAT??? Your limp, palsied hands? And cos one is effete, u think he would go bawling like a baby? You amuse me. They don’t grow nails for nothing na. Try throwing ur punch na. They will use ur sockets as a grip to steady them from the shock of ur stupidity.

    • Pink Panther
      March 13, 21:50 Reply

      Some people just open their mouths and bullshit str8 from the ass starts pouring out

  11. jay-kay
    March 14, 00:31 Reply

    Pink panther I know you are effeminate. So I expected worse than that comment of yours. You will always side them plus am not an active member. Mtcheeew

    • Pink Panther
      March 14, 05:08 Reply

      Clap for yourself. You are neither effete nor…wait, an active member of what please? The gaybourhood? Please kindly go and be an idiot elsewhere.

    • Mandy
      March 14, 06:47 Reply

      ‘Pink panther I know you are effeminate.’
      You say that like it’s a curse. Like its ‘Pink panther I know you are HIV positive.’
      You need to borrow some maturity in your comments Jay-Kay. You are desperately lacking that.

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