Do You Know A Hoe?

Do You Know A Hoe?

A “hoe” is the language used to describe those who are promiscuous. But in recent times, it is being reclaimed as a term of compliment where once it was used as censure. Personally, I like to see hoes as proud side chicks, and maybe someday, I will give a TEDx talk titled “We Should All Be Hoes.”

As with fuckboys, there are different kinds of hoes, and from personal experience, they can be classed into six. Check on the categories below and let us know if you have met any one of them – or are one yourself.


The Illusionist

He is the typical “just for mouth” kinda hoe. He can say everything sexual. He could make you cum in your pants by the sheer power of his words, even before the main event. He paints the most perfect sex scenes in your mind, so much so that you get the strong impression he is an expert in bedmatics. But on the contrary, he is scared of sex. He talks about bomb-ass dicks, but when it’s time for the event, he makes excuses to reschedule: “My elbow is paining me…” “My mummy is not feeling fine…” “I forgot to tell you, I’m on my period…” “I’m purging…”

If you get lucky and finally engage the illusionist in the bedroom, you’ll hear complaints like: “Small, small – Ah! Do you want it to tear…” “Wait fess, it is shifting my spinal cord…” “The way you put my neck, I don’t like it…”

Pros of being with such hoes: They are perfect for sexting, video call and the non-physical forms of sex.

Con: They are like watching porn – all the beautiful images but no action.


The General Donor

These general donors were born to be hoes. The destiny of the hoe kingdom rests on their shoulders. They are your friendly neighbourhood hoes. Be you packing an almost microscopic, small, large, medium, extra large or hole-busting dick, they got you. They don’t select; they accept you as you are. It’s not like they necessarily want to accept whatever you are serving; it’s mostly because their bodies are genetically built to accept every kind of erection. Their man-pussies expand and contrast in accordance with whatever size is looking to get inside.

Pros: You don’t have to feel bad about having it too small or too big when you are with them.

Con: 90 percent of them don’t kiss and moan.


The Emergency Donor

They are the inventors of cum-and-go. These are the ones that do this for money. Their logo: “If he can make me rich, then he can make me cum.” How hefty your wallet is determines how hard they orgasm in your bed. They may not necessarily enjoy what you’re serving, but, well, they need the money. Of course, you can tell that their major is in Sugar Daddyology.

Pros: Once you’ve got the money, you’ve got the ass anytime.

Con: They are generally not good in bed; they are often too busy calculating the worth of each thrust your dick makes into their mangina.


The Acrobat

This one is known for enjoying the sex more than you. He can serve every style you ever dreamed of and will do so perfectly. He is extremely flexible, so much so you would most likely feel your junk circulating about his system. Sex with him is the envy of a Physical and Health Education teacher, what with all the tossing and turning and jumping and hanging.

He is the least liked in the hoe kingdom, because he sets the bar high for all the other hoes. When a Top has fucked him and meets another kind of hoe, he will be like, “But Ginika gave it to me like that. Why is it now paining you?”

Pros: He is your favorite fetish tool.

Con: Your fascination with him wears off when he starts to make you feel inadequate in bed.


The Sex Doll

He is the type of hoe who will serve you some sugar upon the promise of a relationship. He yearns for a relationship, and so will be ready to give you ass once you give him the impression that you want him to be your man. The fastest way to not get with him is to let him know you are just there for the hookup. He is usually very gullible and quite naïve, because he thinks giving the ass means landing the man. He is the most compliant sexual partner you’ll ever have – just lies there on the bed and makes your wish his command.

Pros: He is very subservient with your sexual needs.

Con: His subservience can be quite the bore.


Fifty Shades Of Awesome

He is everything you ever want in a sex partner. He moans like you just breathed life into him, and he takes it all in even at his own inconvenience. His sole purpose is to please you. He doesn’t complain or give excuses. If your junk is too big, he’ll improvise and serve you a different method with a similar satisfaction. He may not be able to serve you your favourite style, but he would give you an alternative one with equal pleasure. He is so amazing with the art of kissing, that sometimes, he could make you cum simply by what his tongue and lips do to you.

Pros: Your pleasure is his utmost satisfaction

Con: Like unicorns and angels, he is very hard to find.

Written by Nonso Chukwu

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  1. Pjay
    June 09, 05:55 Reply

    So tops cannot be hoes? Nonsense and subliminal sexism.

  2. Mandy
    June 09, 06:24 Reply

    The Acrobat killed me.

    “Sex with him is the envy of a Physical and Health Education teacher, what with all the tossing and turning and jumping and hanging.” ??????

    But wait fess o, which one is the power bottom, the Acrobat or the General Donor? ?

  3. Johnny
    June 09, 06:50 Reply

    Illusionist? Na, I love it rough sometimes.

  4. Chii Assure
    June 09, 07:57 Reply

    **deep sigh**

    Why isn’t there one for those who are hoes only in their minds but are too prudish to mouth or act it out? That’s the category I fall into. Ụmụ Mary of our blessed Assumpta! We cannot come and ruin reputation, but we are always ruining/spoiling someone’s child with mind-blowing sex in our mind **stares daggers at Armond Rizzo and XL**!

    Ụwa ite beans! ? ? ? ? ?

  5. Tristan
    June 09, 11:03 Reply

    I am definitely a “fifty shades of awesome”.
    The kissing thing, I love that part.

    I am an illusionist most of the time tho.

  6. Delle
    June 09, 11:23 Reply

    The fact that this talked only about Bottoms as hoes wrote it off for me.

    What about the tops? The Versatiles?

    Sigh. Next please.

      • Black Dynasty
        June 10, 07:22 Reply

        Yea, this is nonsense and quite the heteronormative usage of the word hoe. A hoe is hoe and spread across the spectrum of sexual preferences.
        Saying he wrote fuckboys for tops does not address the nonsense assumption that hoes are only those who bottom….. which is of course utter nonsense.

  7. Dunder
    June 09, 13:33 Reply

    “My elbow is paining me… my mom is not feeling fine… I’m on my period. It’s shifting my spinal cord…Ginika give me like that…” I can’t stop laughing.

  8. Stretch
    June 09, 20:09 Reply

    While I understand that the writer has written about tops, I have a challenge with choice of words saying hoe connotes bottoms (a la “Do you know a hoe” ) and fuckboys connotes tops. (a la”Do you know a fuckboy” ). We should be careful about importing hetero normative lingo. (i.e. Use of the hoe to connote bottoms)… Okay I have said too much… Bye

  9. chun-li
    June 10, 00:18 Reply

    Am a typical “illusionist “,
    can make mouth for Africa. but but hardly have sex

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