From Karma, With Love
Treat others just the way you would love to be treated.
This has been one of my greatest philosophies in life. This philosophy has made me learn to be tolerant and accepting of people regardless of their flaws. No two people can be exactly the same. No one is all-good; we all have our dark sides.
A few Sundays ago, after a long and determined hiatus from Grindr, and on the day I didn’t go to church, I reinstalled the yellow app and began an almost futile search for a hookup (well, technically, someone I could connect with emotionally and not necessarily sexually). I didn’t want to leave Ilorin without a hookup because I knew that once I returned to Lagos after my POP from NYSC, I wouldn’t dare use Grindr for fear of the beasts masquerading as humans in that city.
As expected, my anger began welling up, provoked by all the various forms of – forgive me – idiots on the app. One very cute young guy even blocked me simply because I looked slightly different in the five photos I sent him. I don’t blame him though; everyone is being security conscious. I suppose I should start learning to stick to one style of haircut and beard shape.
Despite my mounting frustration on the app, I tried not to let desperation creep in.
I almost gave up and was about to delete the app when a message came in. We got chatting and soon realized we were not too far from each other. (He stays at Tanke and I am at Basin Road).
In my bio, I had clearly stated that I wouldn’t send my photos unless a potential hookup provided his photos first. So, when this guy, Kenny, asked for my photos, I asked him to read my bio. He asked for my Instagram handle. I couldn’t do that. So, then he asked for my Facebook name, and I asked him to provide his first. He gave me a name which I couldn’t find when I searched Facebook for it. When he repeated his request for mine, I gave him a random name – John Clarke, to be precise.
He returned later to accuse me of giving him my ‘work’ account and I fired back by telling him, “Guy, you gave me a nonexistent Facebook name and you expect me to give you mine? Try next guy, abeg.”
I honestly thought he was kito and I was about to block him. But then, he interjected, saying that the name he gave me was actually real, but that people often find it difficult to find him on Facebook search. I didn’t want to believe him, but after some thinking, I caved and gave him my Facebook name.
Moments later, I got a notification of his friend request. I accepted it and upon going through his profile, I discovered that he was fairly cute and hella sexy.
We agreed to meet at my place. Even then, my mind wasn’t at rest. What was it? Oh yes, his photos. Kenny appeared to be about my height (6 ft), was fairly muscular and gave off this masculine vibe. We hadn’t talked about it, but there was a fair chance he’d be Top. And I am top too. (This was clearly stated on my profile.)
So, working with my presumption, I told him we would be a mismatch, seeing as we were both top. He didn’t contest that. Instead, he insisted that we meet, that we could just cuddle and shit. And that was quite alright with me; I wasn’t exactly interested in penetrative sex due to my New Year resolution to be celibate, at least, sex wise. (I am a heavy wanker.)
On my bio, I had also clearly stated: ‘I am skinny AF and also do not have it big. So if I am not your spec, please, try next guy. Tankio.’
I didn’t want a situation where someone would be expecting an Adonis and end up meeting Icarus. Not that I am ugly. In fact, I get lots of compliments over my looks. However, I don’t consider myself good looking or sexy. I hate my face because of its asymmetry. And I hate my legs, which my mother jokingly threatens to use in turning semovita. And I hate my butt, which my younger brother joked is made of iron. Too much self-hate, I know. Don’t judge me.
I also didn’t want anyone thinking that I am that stereotypical tall, skinny male who is known to have well-hung Mandingoes hanging between their legs. I am just 7.8’’ long and 5.9’’ thick; I wish I was longer or thicker, and so, I am usually very body conscious when planning a hookup. Even if the internet says my size is fairly above average, I still think I am not up to the standard of many big-dick-loving queer men out there.
So, back to Kenny…
He came over that same afternoon. The plan was to cuddle, make out, jerk off, and then say our goodbyes. Seeing as we were two tops, this hookup should be a clear definition of No Strings Attached.
During his visit, I was ever so conscious of my body. But either Kenny was a good liar or he really meant it, because he was in adoration of my body, especially my slim waist. The foreplay was intense (I let him take the lead). He praised my kissing and sucking skills and couldn’t get enough of my waist. I felt pride and satisfaction well up in me. I mean, I deserve the credit. I LOVE KISSING! All every other guy I have ever been with has always been really impressed with is my kissing.
When Kenny left, I felt fulfilled.
I did not want this to end.
I wanted him.
I REALLY liked him.
This is where the whole nonsense began.
Now, with my past hookups and relationships, I have never been the clingy type. And I detest clingy people. I am not the relationship type, and so, if a guy (or girl) starts feeling like we are an item, I let them know in either a not-too-friendly or subtly tone – depending on my mood – that they are on their own. I am a very sensitive person, but I can be brutally blunt and annoying. If I don’t like a person, I ignore their calls and messages, and if I am fed up with them, I send them a message that would most likely them have a deep thinking about their life. Some past lover has said to me that I have “involuntary pride”, whatever that means.
But these things I do are often never done intentionally to hurt anyone. I am just being human.
With Kenny, I very quickly found myself possessing a role I wasn’t familiar with.
I would text him and he’d barely reply. I never knew if he read them or not, because he’d apparently set his read receipt off. One time he finally replied, I attacked him, berating him for ignoring my messages. He said he was sorry, that he wasn’t the texting or calling type, that he had some personal and psychological issues. I softened toward him and asked him to at least acknowledge my messages, even if it was to say “Talk to you later.”
Then, I said the words that were very alien to me: “It’s not like we are dating. I just really want us to be good friends.”
I knew we couldn’t be more than sex buddies, or friends, because he was quite crazy about his girlfriend. But I just wanted him anyhow.
He came a second time to my place, and we had near-penetrative sex, with me being on the receiving end. Kenny is a master in lovemaking. If there were awards for skills in lovemaking, he’d bag the top honours.
Then, he left my place and resumed not replying my texts or calls.
I got really mad.
Then, I decided to forget about him and move on. But I just couldn’t. My god, the way I was feeling, I wanted to marry Kenny. I wanted to wake up by his side every morning.
I knew deep down that one reason for his behavior toward me was the fact that I couldn’t ever give up my ass to him. I mean, why would he even want to commit to anything sexual with me, when he could never be himself sexually?
He owed me nothing; I knew this. I knew I should just let go and let him go, and focus on my celibacy without thinking about all the many asses he was most likely and very skillfully smashing.
But the brain is willing, and the stupid heart is weak.
I couldn’t even say I was dickmatized, because it wasn’t about his dick.
One evening, I texted him, and when he mercifully responded, our chat went thus:
Me: Hey, Kenny.
Kenny: Sup.
Me: I just wanted to know if you are fine. I can see you are fine. Goodnight.
Kenny: Uhm… OK??? Is there something you not saying or wanna say?
I didn’t reply. And he didn’t pursue the matter. It would be about twenty-four hours later when he would text me again.
Kenny: We silent-dealing now, aye?
Me: What do you want me to say?
Kenny: What you wanna say.
Me: Nothing, Kenny. Absolutely nothing.
Kenny: K, cool.
I was so pissed off. And I felt so stung by his rejection. I hate rejection very much; this is why I barely ever shoot my shot with guys or girls.
We are not in a relationship, I told myself over and over again. So, he owes you nothing. Forget about him.
I tried.
But he would always pop up into my heart and even my brain, making it difficult for me to carry on with my day if I didn’t give him sufficient thought.
We didn’t communicate for days. It was during those few days that I did a thorough self-examination and I realized the truth.
There were people I have rejected and will still reject, even after being intimate with them. So, why was I indicting Kenny for being aloof with me? Why criminalize his behaviour, when it was exactly what I’d been doing with other lovers in the past?
Our initial plan was to hookup. So, why was I expecting so much from Kenny?
Plus, he had a girlfriend. What, was I really expecting to contend with this woman for his affections? I would really like to have a family of my own someday, a wife and children. And I would hate it if some random male lover began placing expectations on me that would distract me from that. Why then was I putting the same pressure on Kenny?
I knew that if I were in Kenny’s shoes, I would have long since served me some serious get-off-my-dick venom. I remembered all the guys I must have hurt with my nonchalance and I-don’t-care attitude, and realized that just maybe Ms. Karma was now serving me a hot plate of what I had served others in the past.
Then, the night came when I made a resolve and texted Kenny:
“Hey, Kenny,
I guess I owe you an apology.
We were just supposed to hookup and move on, but I kinda took a special interest in you and it’s no fault of yours, except that you’re so hot.
So I am sorry if I have been insensitive and stupid.
Forgive me?”
He replied, saying he got me and that he was also sorry.
So now, I have gotten over him – by a tiny margin. And I wish him the very best.
I still wish I can make out with him one last time before I go back home next week. But if that doesn’t happen, we go dey alright.
Written by Bini Boy
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19 Comments
Colossus
March 06, 06:12At first though, this read like an advert. “I don’t like my body but oh, these are my specs. Notice the dick size? Yeah its above average but it sucks so bad”
Later on, we got to the main crux of the matter. I wouldn’t call this karma though, you don’t have to like everybody you meet so be easy on yourself for liking this one person. You’ll definitely meet more good looking guys out there, even in that dreaded lagos.
Higwe
March 06, 10:01Lol….
There is nothing like karma in this story , this is a perfect case of – he’s not just that into you .
We throw the word “karma ” around a bit loosely these days.?
A guy on Grindr seeking random hookups is certainly not in any way dedicated to his girlfriend…best believe that everytime he’s ignoring your chats or treating them vilipendly , there is a guy or guys out there he is eagerly awaiting their response .
I do understand why your ego wants to blame it all on karma and his so called dedication to a possibly imaginary girlfriend ???
That said , I love how you finally took charge and did what was best for you …the heart might want what it wants but at some point the brain has to take precedence.
**************
Treat others the way you would love to be treated … I’ve always found this philosophy a bit porous .
It’s completely hinged on the fact that everyone wants to be treated in the best way possible , which is kind of untrue. ?
Using myself ( as always ) as an example …there are certain things I enjoy being done to me ( esp during sex ) that if I did to others , it would translate to abuse.
Should I go around casually doing it to others simply because it’s the way I love to be treated ? ?
Our generation is different. A lot of things that made sense then , don’t make sense now.
This has rendered a lot of previously popular philosophies fallacious.
I think we should treat people well , irregardless of the way we’d rather be treated. ??♂️
BRYAN PETERS
March 06, 13:23Lol. But these things you like being done to you are for pleasure sake. So, if we were to follow this principle, the plan won’t be to do these exact same things to other people; rather, it would be to try and make sex as pleasurable for the next person as you would like it to be for yourself.
It makes sense if the philosophy is not a personal favourite of yours though. Different strokes
Higwe
March 06, 14:14Loool good point ! ?
I guess I took the statement literally .
You’ll make a good lawyer sha…see how you spun the whole thing. ?
Mitch
March 06, 10:01This was such a rollercoaster of a read.
The not so subtle hints about your looks and whatnot, the ‘self-hate’ that’s just another name for attention seeking and the story itself.
I mean, unreturned feelings of infatuation?
That’s what your Karma story is about?
Leemao!
Oga abeg, it’s too early in the day for me to start analysing or dishing advice on hot teks. Bikokwa! Just dey well.
????
Bini Boy
March 06, 11:49It’s definitely a case of unreturned feelings.
It’s also a Karma case: I alone know the situations I have been in with other guys; I alone know just how expectant they were of me; I alone know I treated them; I alone know how I feel about Kenny; I alone the hurt I feel. The hurt that made the thoughts of the other guys whirling around in my mind.
So, if you would, I would very much appreciate it if you didn’t come here and discredit my piece/feelings because you think it’s not par your standards.
It’s not every time that people experience Mills and Boons lives.
Good morning.?
Bini Boy
March 06, 11:09Why does everyone think I’m seeking attention???
Lmao.
If only you knew me in real life; I actually shy away from any form of attention.
I only thought penning my feelings would make me feel better.
Make una no vex. Good morning.?
Vally
March 06, 18:34I enjoyed it ??
ChubbyLover
March 07, 09:33No need to apologise to anybody. You did what you felt is right……that’s it. Let people read whatever meaning they like into it, brotherly, don’t loose sleep over such. People just don’t worth it!
Afro
March 06, 11:28This a rather long and uninteresting read. So self absorbed and childish all round.
Mandy
March 06, 12:14LMAO. I actually found this very hilarious. One turn of unrequited love deserves another, I suppose. The lesson in this that I hope you’ve learned is for you to be a little more sensitive whenever you are rejecting someone. You don’t have to like everybody you hook up with, but what speaks well of our character is how we handle those we have no use for.
Every time someone gets clingy with you and you want to tell them to take a hike, remember this, remember how you felt when you were on the receiving end of Kenny’s lack of interest.
Bini Boy
March 06, 13:03The first mature comment.
Thank you, Mandy.
Mariposa
March 06, 13:12Mandy has wriiten it all… Let’s learn to respect people’s feelings no matter what.
BRYAN PETERS
March 06, 13:28I definitely know how it feels to be catching feelings for someone who is not interested. But you would eventually get over him – totally.
The key thing in such cases is to do what you did. Sit-down, think and be objective. Desperation never looks good and it never ends well. Self worth and dignity should always come first. I’ve learnt to respectfully pack my load and move on once it’s obvious the other party is not interested.
Black Dynasty
March 06, 14:37Unrequited affection sucks, but there’s nothing quite like being treated how you treat people to make you more understanding.
Romeoux
March 06, 17:08A very inside life story.
Thanks for sharing, Bini Boy.
*singing Beyonce’s “Best Thing I Never Had”*
? What goes around (round), comes back around (round), my baby ?
Delle
March 06, 21:15Well, there’s not much to say to you. The title is quite the succinct one.
However, I have this to point out:
Do not expect someone to feel comfortable giving you details on such a platform when you are hesitant to divulge. It makes no sense.
You should expect what you (are able to) dish.
We’re all being cautious. So at what point do you think your level of caution supersedes mine?
Ken
March 07, 06:59Lol, I won’t say this is karma but I like the ending. I hope it doesn’t end tho, let the craving for Kenny be eternal. Lol
Mike
March 08, 16:39I dunno mehn, you should work on your issues, first your bio, reads like a victim, add that to the general way you described yourself, you are the perfect recipe for anyone who just want attention, a perfect prey to anybody who knows if I fuck this one, he would hover over me like a dark cloud, so I can go on feeling myself, the egomaniacs.
Try presenting yourself as a human being first, feel good about yourself, I’m sure you’ll get alot of raves. And people like that guy will naturally stay away from you. Hell I won’t sleep with you with that self-esteem of yours, so you don’t infect me, I’ll start feeling sorry for myself like “why the fuck did I go so low, that nigga is obviously not worth it”, then I’ll probably go with ” well, I wanted some ass, he does have a nice ass, let’s not do that again, never”. Literally that’s the dialogue.
Also the way you treat people is a reflection of how you see yourself, so karma aside, you see yourself poorly, there’s no way you’d understand the value of others, your attraction to that nigga, was he’s ability to make you see yourself in a better light, so you were a mark to him, not that he meant half of what he said but you started to believe, started to maybe see yourself in a better light vias, entertain the notion that other people might actually be valuable.
He’s an egomaniac, a type of seducer and you were a perfect mark.
I’ve been with people I don’t like, regardless of wether I like a person or not, there other thing I prioritize over love or sex and I don’t prioritize humans cause they’re not task, something to be performed if not something might happen, a human more valuable. I won’t leave you chatting with yourself on WhatsApp, why ?. Duo I might reply late or I just let you know, I ain’t got strength for this chat.
Cast yourself in a better light, stay away from the seducer.