I Had A Dream About Francis

I Had A Dream About Francis

Abeg make una no vex. I am having lunch but I had to pause and think about something. The mere thought of it killed my appetite. I had a dream about Francis oh! And yes, I can see you perverts jumping into the gutter and rolling in it joyously. It was not sexual. *straight face*. Or was it? I wonder. Maybe I should just tell you the dream and you’ll decide.

See me see trouble oh! Biko if anybody knows Francis here, just warn him for me. How can he be teleporting into my dreams from the Sahara desert? And not like he was in my thoughts or anything. Haba! Tell him that if he wants to see me, he should ask for my house address. Teleporting into my dream is not an acceptable way to visit people where I come from. If he does it again, I will just write his name on a piece of paper and hand it over to an extremely strong man of God. Francis, better be warned! Or prepare to die by fire.

Alright then. Let me tell you the dream. I was there oh! Very jejely on my mat, sleeping and hoping to see Jesus in my dream. If not Jesus, my dead grandmother at the very minimum. But how is that possible when that nuisance called Francis exists? No way! As I dey sleep oh! Next thing, Francis teleported in.

I found myself at my parents’ house and Francis was in the backyard. Hmmm, he had a wrapper tied around his chest, the way those village women tie it when they are in the kitchen. And he was in the kitchen oh! Well, sort of. He was cooking with firewood, in the backyard of my parents’ house! The following conversation ensued.

Me: Docky, Docky! How far na? Wetin you dey do?

Francis: Oh boy I dey kitchen oh!

Me: (surprised) Hian, you dey kitchen? So you fit cook?

Francis: No oh! But mehn, I dey try small-small.

Me: Okay oh! So what’s cooking?

Francis: Agama lizard.

Me: Huh?

Francis: I said I’m cooking Agama lizard.

I reeled backward in shock. Then I staggered to the left, staggered to the right, and then dropped unconscious to the floor. With his doctor instincts kicking in, Francis rushed toward me to give me mouth to mouth resuscitation. But mehn! No way oh! Mouth to mouth resuscitation from doctor wey dey chop agama lizard? Nna, I auto-resuscitated by force!

Francis: Oh! You are awake. Are you okay?

Me: No, but abeg shift far first.

He obliged me and returned stirring his pot.

Me: So where did you find the agama lizard?

Francis: Oh! I came into the yard and it was on the floor, half-dead. I decided to cook it quickly before it dies.

Me: Ehn?

Francis: (scoops some goo from the pot and approaches me with the spoon held forward) Why don’t you have some? It’s delicious.

I began to scream, because Francis’ face had suddenly changed to that of an agama lizard and he was now laughing an evil maniacal laughter.

My dear people, na so I take wake, screaming and pleading the blood of Jesus.

I said it before and I am saying it again. Make una help me warn Francis oh! Chai! My village people are at it again. Have they recruited him to join their cause? Is he the king of the wizard world? Is he the lizard wizard? Is the lizard he was cooking my destiny? My finances? What is the significance of agama lizard plus Francis inside dream ooo! My people, please epp! Any Joseph the dreamer in the house?! HELP PLEASE!

Okay, I’m done. I feel better. Let me return to my meal of agama lizard pepper soup.

Written by Sensei

Previous Mitt Romney Blasts Donald Trump, Trump Hits Back With Blowjob Jibe
Next THAT THING AROUND YOUR NECK (Part 2)

About author

You might also like

Our Stories 44 Comments

What I Wish for 2016

#1: I wish I could tell mommy that her little boy whom she raised to marry a woman and bear her grandchildren was Born This Way. I wish that when

Our Stories 3 Comments

ON THE SANCTITY OF QUEER LIVES AND THE LANGUAGE OF TRAGEDY

1. March, 2020 The Guardian: Man Kills Facebook Friend For ‘Sodomizing’ Him With 20,000 The Nation: Why I ‘Killed’ My Homosexual Facebook Friend, By Suspect   April, 2021 Sahara Reporters:

Our Stories 29 Comments

The Six Scriptures About Homosexuality In The Bible And What They Really Say

Originally published on upworthy.com The bible is a powerful weapon used by Christians and non-Christians alike to condemn homosexuality. Once the subject comes up, most antigay people dash to ready-made

41 Comments

  1. Mandy
    March 04, 07:01 Reply

    LMAO!!! You are such a clown, sensei. You’re such a split personality. One would read your lectures and have a hard time reconciling that writer with the one who fools around with comic writeups like this.

  2. Kenny
    March 04, 07:41 Reply

    Lol! This had me laughing hard. Sensei you’re a clown. ???

  3. Kenny
    March 04, 07:51 Reply

    Bia Francis, since Sensei isn’t interested, can I have some of that ‘ hard Agama meat and the accompanying goo’? *bats eyelashes*

    • sensei
      March 04, 08:00 Reply

      Omg! Children of the gutter don show! Hahahahaha!

  4. Mitch
    March 04, 07:58 Reply

    Sensei, you are not serious! Thanks for making me laugh this morning. Lord knows I needed it.

    Ngwa Doc, coman ansa ya summons!

  5. Max 2.1
    March 04, 08:21 Reply

    **Reads Miranda rights to myself and keeps mute**

  6. Delle
    March 04, 08:39 Reply

    LMFAO! Oh God, Sensei you are hilarical! I’m laughing so hard, my sides ache.

    Oya, where’s Francis? He should come and tell us why he should be assuming Zeddicus in someone’s dream…lemme not say what my dad told me about dreams like this…

  7. grass
    March 04, 08:58 Reply

    lol.. stop patronizing yorubawood

  8. DI-NAVY
    March 04, 09:28 Reply

    Errrmmmmmm PP and co Admins, pls is there a way where someone can edit his comment and correct some bad tenses and typos after posting? lol, cos most of our thumbs are faster than our thoughts. You read ur comments for a million times you won’t see a mistake but once you post it, you see typos and bad tenses flying up and down from no where like witches and wizards. I always cringe when in do this to myself. I feel like a dim wit.

  9. Stein
    March 04, 09:50 Reply

    This wasn’t funny at all, I actually found it insulting

      • Jon Snow
        March 04, 10:39 Reply

        taking panadol for another man headache

    • Mandy
      March 04, 16:07 Reply

      What do you find insulting about it, considering it wasn’t humour directed at you

  10. Jon Snow
    March 04, 10:54 Reply

    This big head! you finally went ahead to share this piece despite my warning. LMFAO ??? you’re just a bag of beans ????

    As for those not finding it funny, you can take several seats behind Michelle Williams’ music career while you grow a sense of humor.

    • Delle
      March 04, 12:11 Reply

      Jon Snow, burn!!! Aaaarrrggghhh!

    • sensei
      March 04, 12:21 Reply

      Omg!!!!!!!!! Ayam crying! Looool!

    • Mitch
      March 04, 12:24 Reply

      Jisox! I think I just went blind. See shade oh!

  11. Nefretiti
    March 04, 13:33 Reply

    Lmfao ……… Hilarious!!!!I honestly thought this was gonna b erotic . I am happy it wasnt*looooooool*

  12. Francis
    March 04, 14:16 Reply

    This is gross on so many levels. *shudders*

    ????

    Abeg no be me you see for that dream as I don stop to dey tie wrapper for house (*covers face* Attack me not. I’m old like that) and till date I can’t stand reptiles. Me and lil bro fit abandon house for lizards.

    Had a really good laff sha…??

    P.S: Absolutely zero offense taken. ?

    • sensei
      March 04, 14:48 Reply

      Abeg, beta human being. I knew you wouldn’t be offended cos you have a good sense of humor.
      Some people have forgotten how to have a good laugh. Pity.

    • Philips Francis
      March 04, 18:21 Reply

      Francis you sure say you no they even tie scarf for head so to hold you invisible weaves ???
      *runs away*

    • michael
      March 04, 22:20 Reply

      Biko I still tie wrapper. Oh am tying one right now.

  13. Peak
    March 04, 15:09 Reply

    **Blank stare and blinking intermittently**

    • Mandy
      March 04, 16:05 Reply

      *tickling Peak’s sides* Let it out, nigga. You know you wanna 😀

    • Peak
      March 04, 16:23 Reply

      Lol, Mandy if I give u better slap enh! U go commot hand for my body. Troublemaker inc.

  14. Geeluv
    March 04, 21:42 Reply

    Abeg talk Wetin you want mbok….

  15. michael
    March 04, 22:23 Reply

    Sensei dear, you sure say you no get malaria?

    This sorta dream is a symptom.

    • sensei
      March 05, 04:41 Reply

      You are right. The cure is to eliminate Francis, then take medication later.

  16. ofunwa
    March 05, 14:05 Reply

    Dis dream serious ooo. I won’t buy d idea of elimination, bcos it would be easier to settle whtevr issue it is wth a human than wth a ghost.

Leave a Reply

Click here to cancel reply.