I WASN’T SUPPOSED TO KNOW

I WASN’T SUPPOSED TO KNOW

March seems so far away. First I was thinking to myself: Nobody is hearing anything on KD about you guys now that it’s all lovey-dovey o. And I was feeling pressured into writing something, anything, to show we were good. Apparently, I would have things to write about much sooner than I had thought.

Sometime between March and now, he asked that we go into an exclusive relationship. As with all relationships, there are ups and downs. Mine was no exception. My “upandan” was skepticism. BF is a fine, brilliant young man, has a wonderful career and great future prospects. AND he is a self-confessed serial flirt. What freaking chance did I have against the multitude of guys he was bound to come across? Oh, I loved him. I loved him very much. But he couldn’t get all the love I could give because I always held back. I had not shaken off that doubt that anything called love existed, and was ALWAYS very suspicious of the love he professed. One time, my exasperated friend had to ask me why I wanted so badly to think bad of him. My simple “Because I don’t think I am deserving of love” shut him up.

We had a sort of long-distance thing going on, but I had been quite fortunate to have been needed by my workplace to constantly handle some deliveries in the city he was in, and didn’t feel it much, as we had the times I would come into town to look forward to.

On one of those visits, we were watching a movie on his phone when he slept off. Several messages pinged in. Curious me paused the movie and opened his WhatsApp application. My world began to fall apart as I viewed some of the messages. One particular hook-up appointment caught my attention and dwelt in my memory. After all these evidences were laid bare, I just shut down mentally. When I told my friend right away, he asked, “Wetin you sef dey find?”

Ultimately, I acted like nothing had happened. I simply finished the movie and turned in for the night.

The next morning, as I ran my work errands, we chatted over WhatsApp. I found it weird and disgusting that it seemed the same script was what I was playing out. He was using the same lines, the same endearments he had used on that guy on WhatsApp with me. The realisation that I was no more special than the random hookups he was indulging began to sink in.

But I had decided to act like I was oblivious, so I had no choice but to bear it.

Fortunately (or unfortunately), during the period for this hook-up appointment of his, I happened to be in town for more work duties as well. I was at his house. The hookup came. Obviously, my presence was an unforeseen circumstance. He introduced the hookup to me as his friend. I wasn’t supposed to know about the guy being a booty call. And I’d probably have believed the introduction if I hadn’t seen the WhatsApp conversation. It was awkward. It was fucked-up. I was embarrassed for the hookup and for myself that night. Poor guy. Poor me. You can see why I perhaps had good reason to not trust this guy.

Another time, he went out after work. I was at his place. I didn’t know where he went to. While I worried, I also had a niggling thought that he had gone on a hookup appointment. When he returned, I didn’t say a word. I opened Grindr, turned up my phone’s volume and started searching. I will not deny the satisfaction I felt when his head shot up at the first message I received, and how fast his head swiveled in my direction as I unconcernedly typed my replies to the streaming messages. We had an argument after I left and returned back to base. He played an enraged lover so well, I had to apologize for my decision to make him jealous after he explained where he had gone to that evening.

Still, I knew I could never trust him, at least not totally.

Then came that final weekend when I was in his city for a pre-planned hangout. I was in his room when he went out. That was how my leg kicked over his trash can while I was about to open a door. Amidst the rubbish that spilled was proof of his infidelity. Torn condom wrappers. My heart bled. I withdrew. Feigned a headache when he returned so I wouldn’t have to talk to him. And slept fitfully.

The next day, when I was sure we would not be having unwanted guests, I confronted him with my finding. He was surprised. I don’t know if a simple apology might have defused the situation, but I clearly wasn’t expecting what he said to me.

“You were not supposed to know,” he told me.

I was not supposed to know.

It is the wickedness of this man, who felt I wasn’t supposed to find out he was sleeping around, and the trusting stupidity I embody that got me in the mess I am in now. I had never wished more in that instant that I was a cold and calculating, heartless, evil bitch who didn’t bother that whoever I came in contact with contracts the virus if they didn’t make the effort to make sure they were adequately protected.

In that moment, I wished I hadn’t felt the guilt that pushed me to tell him about my status after the mishap during that fateful sex.

I wished I hadn’t worried about him.

I wished I had simply written him off, instead of opening a door inside me that allowed him come in and do this damage.

Frankly, I’m going to try very hard to be this person I wish I was.

Then again, I am hurt. Very hurt.

I feel very hurt because while I wanted to feel love, to be loved, I had resigned myself to a loveless future. I did not ask him to love me. I did not put a gun to his head and say “You must love me” the night we lay in each other’s arms. I did not want him to want me.

He had done that all of his own volition. Even when he knew he couldn’t be the man he promised he’d be.

I am very hurt because he opened old wounds that I hoped had healed. He dug up my buried regrets.

I know I will be told to move on. And I will. But I envisage many months of bitterness, living as though I am forced to, and a heaviness from lugging about the dead weight of a part of my heart that died brutally.

Anyway, wish me luck.

Written by Paradox

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33 Comments

  1. Vhar.
    June 26, 07:14 Reply

    I made the big mistake of reading this whilst listening to Ludovico Einaudi’s ‘Experience’. I felt EVERYTHING. The love, the fear, the pain and the hope to move on.

    I was angry. I’m going to be angry through out today. Not because of what happened, but because he had the homoGALL to say, “You weren’t supposed to find out”. Like, who’d love to come across an evidence of infidelity? No faux apology, no lame excuse, nothing. Just a comment that’d shatter the littlest vestiges of hope. Ah! I am angry.

    That said, you shouldn’t have to snooped. Maybe it helped with ‘evidence gathering’, but what is wrong is wrong. It was his phone. It was his messages. Privacy is paramount and you infringed on it.

    Please, understand the word trust. What it truly means. Because you’d need it going forward. “Don’t trust anyone”… I get that, but at some point in your life, you’d need to learn to trust. Same way you’d want to be trusted. The only way to trust anyone is to simply trust them.

    Hard? Yes. But it is the only way to go. Work on your fears too. Medium ugly people, like me, also mess up. There are drop dead gorgeous men who wouldn’t look at anyone else but you too.

    No one has to know about your relationship. You’re not dating the world or readers here, your relationship is yours and yours alone. Do not feel pressured to write or tell the world.

    Enjoy it. By yourself and for yourself. Always.

    And yes, I wish you luck.

    • demi
      June 26, 08:59 Reply

      OK, nice comment but that part about trust iono… I believe trust is earned, maybe he shouldn’t av snooped ‘his bf privacy yada yada yada’ but I would have freaking snooped..

      if he’d gone on in d relationship all trusting and shii, one day d bf will leave him for no reason and he’d be miserable with no clue nor closure, I’d rather find out and know where I stand and part ways if need be, perhaps amicably if it all means he ain’t ready for a serious deal with us exclusively..

      is TRUST still encompassing when your partners simply is a serial cheat behind ur fucking back?? are they still deserving of such TRUST? if I snooped once, twice and find nothing, my trust will be solidified and there is a good chance I’d Neva snoop again …

      but just going on and trusting ‘fully’ my partner when it comes to ‘cheating’, mehn I’m too wise and experienced to just jump into that, your actions and whatnot will determine how it goes overtime and same will go for me..

      • Vhar.
        June 26, 09:30 Reply

        Hi, Demi.

        You want your trust earned? Are you worthy of that action? Because, if I am procuring it, your trust, bet believe I’ll expect that prize to get the full service – without snooping.

        Now, understand that the poster already had his insecurities BEFORE he snooped. That’s where I’m coming from. If I go by what was written, he had no idea the ex was cheating. His fear was because the ex “is a self-confessed serial flirt”, “Skepticism” and maybe because of the distance.

        What’s to say that if he/you found/find no evidence on the phone, he still isn’t/won’t cheating?
        So, no evidence = faithful?

        Snooping once? twice? it wouldn’t stop. Why be in a relationship and not trust your partner? Why get so low as to snoop? If your skepticism or instincts kicks in, I’d say end it. If you can’t trust your partner, end it.

        You or anyone else have no moral right, high ground to stand on, to go through anyone’s gadget (pass-code or not) or belongings. Butt out if your mind is wildin’ with fears.

        Maybe it saves you from knowing where you stand in someone’s life, but the end will never justify that means.

        My point is, snooping on anyone means one does not trust, or its intention is, to cause the damage. It does not build the best relationship.

        • Paradox
          June 26, 11:35 Reply

          Dearest Vhar,
          I have always had my fears, complexes and insecurities. They are littered all over the posts I have put up here. They were not the reason why I snooped however. I had the phone in my hand, and my curiosity was a burning flame. Even though I got burnt badly.
          It was never a matter of trust. He had been upfront enough to tell me he was a serial flirt. I could try to live with that. Why could he not have been upfront enough to ask for an open relationship?

          Hi Kenny
          We did have one or two, punctuated with my eyes seriously streaming. And trust that asked why he had though. Suffice to say, it is not a pleasant memory.

          Leemao Fred. I like your wanting fairness. You remind me of me

          Pinky, thank you for the good job.

      • Pink Panther
        June 26, 10:00 Reply

        I’m with you on this, Demi. I believe that trust is earned and not unreservedly given. Plus, if a partner gives you a reason to doubt him, find a way to secure yourself before you become the fool who trusted him.

    • mike
      June 26, 15:23 Reply

      Where is the advice here?, or maybe that’s the point.

  2. Fred
    June 26, 07:29 Reply

    Good luck

    And I hope we get to hear from the other party too.

  3. Mitch
    June 26, 07:29 Reply

    “You were not supposed to know”

    Hei Ghod!
    Some people are mad.
    Why can’t he simply call off the relationship and have the freedom to hoe in peace? Or, barring that, have a conversation with you about redefining your relationship and making it open?

    Las Las, some people are not meant to be in relationships. The trail of hurts and broken people that trail in their wake speaks to that.

    I’m sorry you have to go through this, Paradox.
    But you’d be fine.
    Just keep believing that.

  4. Mandy
    June 26, 08:00 Reply

    I remember the warmth I felt when I read your last piece on your relationship. And I remember thinking: Wow, an actual serodiscordant couple making it work. What are the odds?

    I should have known such a thing would be too good to be true.

    My beef with this your ex is, he didn’t even have to do this. He didn’t have to love you. He didn’t have to make you love him. He didn’t have to ask for a relationship. He didn’t have ask for you guys to be exclusive. I don’t know what it is with some gay men and acting like there is an expectation to live up to when really there isn’t. Or, even if he did love you at one time and actually wanted you two to be together, the second he realised he wasn’t cut out for this, he should have communicated that to you. I have a feeling he wanted you to find out. I mean, not calling the hookup to not come around? Not disposing of the condoms before you came around? I have a feeling these were his ways of letting you know he wanted out.

    Which is cruel. Because in asking to be in a relationship with you, he spoke the actual words to you. He asked you. But when it came to breaking up, he decides to use clues to make you break up with him? That’s cowardly and cruel.

    • Vhar.
      June 26, 08:13 Reply

      Oh. I didn’t know there was a backstory. Now I’m livid!

    • BRYAN PETERS
      June 26, 09:06 Reply

      Erm, just to quickly add, the issue here is not the fact that the relationship was doomed to fail ab initio because they were a serodiscordant couple. People still cheat in seroconcordant relationships. So it was never too good to br true. There arr people who are willing to date and be faithful to Pos people. Thank God for the advances in modern medicine, serodiscordant couples can have an apparently normal relationship and sex life. So the serodiscordance is not even the issue here.

    • demi
      June 26, 09:11 Reply

      sadly there is a very high possibility he left those clues.. its a shame it didn’t work out with you two but just know that others will come along and this hurt too shall pass..

    • Kenny
      June 26, 09:26 Reply

      A serodiscordant relationship is not too good to be true… Many of such relationships exist and they work. Their relationship ended cos the guy cheated not cos of his status.

      • Mandy
        June 26, 10:04 Reply

        Kenny and Bryan Peters, I am clear on why the relationship ended. I believe I said as much. I didn’t attribute the fail of their relationship to the serodiscordance. I just simply felt disheartened that something that seemed like it was going to be so good, for the first time on Kito Diaries an actual validation of the possibility of poz guys finding love, ended simply because the boyfriend couldn’t keep it in his pants. That’s my point.

  5. Kenny
    June 26, 09:33 Reply

    I’m sorry you went through that Paradox, but was that all he said? You guys didn’t have a serious conversation after that?

  6. Fire lord
    June 26, 11:05 Reply

    I was really really really happy about your last entry, but this is just unfair. The guy is an ass plain and simple. One thing i know is that your sadness doesn’t have to be long. I wish i can see you face to face, theres a lot i would love to say. You will be happy, you deserve all the happiness in the world. xoxo wherever you are.

  7. Rex
    June 26, 12:35 Reply

    Hey Paradox, sorry you had to go through this, that guy na werey shaa…. He didn’t wanna loose you yet wanted to have fun outside, why are some humans so stupid.
    Then worst of all he said “You weren’t supposed to know bah? I’m just the end of that statement should be “… till I broke with you and live you high and dry”. Kaiiiiiiii nsuto mkpo? What level of stupidity.
    My own is that thunder will fire any guy here on KD reading this that is treating a fellow human being like this, relationship issnor by force, if you wanna be a public dick do it with pride.

    • Pink Panther
      June 26, 13:50 Reply

      “Relationship issnor by force, if you wanna be a public dick do it with pride.”

      Simpu!!!

  8. kristo
    June 26, 15:36 Reply

    not to rain on ur parade….

    guys i need a boyfriend!!!!!!!

    • trystham
      June 26, 15:55 Reply

      Hoeniranu. Ez like you’re not getting the memo.
      Boyfriend(s) = Cheat
      Cheat = Scum
      ~ Boyfriend(s) = Scum
      You’d better settle for collecting prick on the steady

      • Patrick
        June 26, 21:00 Reply

        😂😂😂😂😂
        Bros, allow him to try his luck na.

  9. mike
    June 26, 16:06 Reply

    I don’t think this is a case of trust, I think the relationship was still maturing or too early, add the long distance thingy, and that relationship is probably 2 months old, on the relationship scale. You have to understand that human, will be humans.
    If he had told you he was being faithful, would you have believed him?, now this here is your own insecurity, feel free to build your castle in the clouds, or read the writings on the ground.
    What I mean is that, humans we mean well, but we don’t always do well.

    Fine, he loves you probably more than his hookups, but does he love you enough to just concentrate on only you?, more so you are not exactly in the same city.

    I am not a fan of open relationships but I choose to not believe anybody would do that, now that there is my own insecurity and I wear it with a badge, I won’t give you my heart to ruin, but I love you anyway.
    You should do the same for your sanity.

    In this case, I am siding with the guy, you really were not supposed to know, ignorance is truly bliss

    I was telling someone, not to so long ago, stop telling about your past up sexual opportunities, since you met me, I am personally not buying that bullshit, even if I were I don’t believe in punishing someone, cause they love me, just chill. Don’t fall in love, till I get there

    You were supposed to buy Into the delusion de grandeur aka trust , trust that it is all rosey and you are the only one.
    I personally prefer not to serve anybody that dish, and to not be served, an understanding of human nature and accepting it, keeps me sane.
    You seem like the heartbreak, relationship type so buy, into that grandeur, turn a blind eye, till you both can workout something permanent and solid, till your relationship matures. No matured man would have more than one wife, that’s a trait of a boy. Your relationship is a still a teenager.

    P.s duo,
    If I were you and we both were in the same town and he tries that shit with me, I would ditch him, this has nothing to do with my insecurities and everything to do with his personally development, I am not Buddha, can’t be trying to turn a teen, into a man nor am I Jesus Christ, to be sacrificing myself on an alter of someone’s urges, nah.

  10. Paradox
    June 26, 20:02 Reply

    Well Mandy, I’ve not tried my hands at cheating, so I cannot say for certain how a cheat’s devious mind works. I do know I tried to encourage open discourse. All that was not necessary.

    Rex, your anger and Pink Panther’s refreshingly amusing. I appreciate.

    Fire Lord Ozai, my sadness didn’t last as long as I thought it would. I have the rare twinges now and then, nothing serious. Your present love came through for me in the past.💞💞

    Mike, I’m not sure I understood anything you typed, but the conclusion pretty much sums the current situation.

  11. Black Dynasty
    June 26, 20:47 Reply

    Smh, as a grown man or woman, it’s really not that hard to communicate when you no longer want to be with someone.

    If you want to fuck the whole country, by all means do so but don’t go hurting people by pretending to love them and want to be with them.

    Sorry you had to go through this paradox and I hope you feel better over time. The heart does eventually heal if you give it the time and space to.

    I do genuinely wonder why you still stayed on after you saw the messages on WhatsApp? Then stayed on knowing he brought hookups to the house etc?

    Maybe it’s just me, but my self esteem won’t allow another man disrespect me in that manner. I would have left him after the WhatsApp messages, this life is too simple to be letting stupid boys like that cause you unnecessary pain.

    • Paradox
      June 26, 21:33 Reply

      Let us not forget that I didn’t like to say “I love you” lightly because it meant great deal to me. And because I had said it, I was willing to overlook stuff and especially after the drama that happened that night with the hook-up dude.
      I think the condom foils were just the last straw

      • Black Dynasty
        June 27, 06:34 Reply

        Ah hmm, that’s interesting. P.S. i wasn’t blaming you or anything but was genuinely curious to understand.

        I hope one day you get to the point where you can believe and truly say this with your chest… “I am enough and I am worthy of love”.

        I’d really recommend checking out “power of now” by eckhart tolle and “daring greatly” by Brene brown. Get the audiobooks if possible.

  12. Higwe
    June 27, 00:06 Reply

    I had never wished more in that instant that I was a cold and calculating, heartless, evil bitch who didn’t bother that whoever I came in contact with contracts the virus if they didn’t make the effort to make sure they were adequately protected.

    In that moment, I wished I hadn’t felt the guilt that pushed me to tell him about my status after the mishap during that fateful sex
    ************************

    This is disturbing ! 😲
    Your boyfriend or ex boyfriend is a jerk , a lowlife ; slimiest of the slime .

    Butiiiiiii

    On no occasion should you ever entertain this kind of thought .
    Protecting people and being honest with them is your duty as a human .

    * not as a good human *
    *not as an anti bitch or anti Jezebel *

    But a normal human with reasoning and understanding .

    Yes , your boyfriend is an ass .
    Yes , you should totally give him the boot .

    Burn his clothes
    Disconnect his wifi
    Share his nude on a WhatsApp brodacast message.
    Prank call him by 1 am .

    Think anything you need to , to feel at ease …but I beg you , never entertain the thought of infecting innocent people because you dated a jerk.

    I know you said it was just a flash …but I know a thing or two about flashes …

    All the devil’s signals come like a flash …slowly he implants it in your mind and before you know it everywhere is burning .

    • trystham
      June 27, 06:34 Reply

      Why? Because u most likely wud be caught in this mess, as u have “an understanding with ur partner”? Na dem😂😂😂

  13. Higwe
    June 27, 00:26 Reply

    There is really nothing else to say …
    A lot has been said and a lot of them were sagacious and apt .

    My two cents though ….

    You’re totally deserving of love and I believe one day ,you’ll definitely get it .

    I still insist on disclosure – I would never advise someone to do what I wouldn’t do myself .

    People will tell you that honesty is overrated but I’ve seen the repercussions of dishonesty and it’s not pretty .

    Honesty might only afford a mud house , but you’ll live in that house with absolute peace of mind .

    Dishonesty can build a mansion …but its foundations are always shaky ,so it’s likely to collapse on the owner’s head.

    I want you know this :

    You’re awesome .
    You’re perfect .
    You deserve all the love in the world .

    Do not settle for less …
    Do not live a lie….

    I wish you the best of luck .

  14. J
    June 28, 21:22 Reply

    Don’t ever say you are undeserving of love. Even the most horrendous of all people deserve love. The best kind of love is self love, believe in yourself and take care of yourself, no one can do it better than you. Don’t let your status define you, being honest and positive under whatever circumstance is good. Whenever people try to take advantage of your kindness or honesty, know that it’s their loss.

    Don’t allow anyone to turn you into a monster. The moment they start becoming a pain in the ass, you quickly drop them like a hot pot cover. People are very selfish, put yourself first. FUCK FAKE LOVE, THAT SHIT PAINS.

  15. Temi
    June 29, 16:58 Reply

    Wow! Can people always say what exactly they want in their first encounter than making claims and make someone committed to them and then they continue hoeing around. I find it disgusting and it’s clear many of us have our experiences you want to hoe say it and not make it look as if you genuinely want to be in a relationship.

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