Sex And A Straight Man’s Point Of View

Sex And A Straight Man’s Point Of View

This piece was originally published on adebayoadegbite.wordpress.com, and titled ‘On Sex And Voyeurism’. I read it from a twitter feed, loved it and simply had to share.

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This piece was conceived as a result of a story I read online about a Nigerian sex shop owner who was talking about the fact that Nigerian men love to buy accessories for anal sex in secret, despite their vehement condemnation of the practice in public. I can’t remember where the story came from, but I remember reading it on Elnathan John’s twitter timeline where he was using as an example in one of his frequent treatises on anal sex and homosexuality. My attitude to the story was one of mild interest at best, given that I wasn’t intending to do butt stuff to anyone, neither was anyone (as far as I knew anyway) planning to butt stuff to me.

Then a few days ago, a tweet appeared on my TL which went thusly: “I dunno how you will be Nigerian and be gay. Like with all we are facing in this country, na another man’s nyash dey give you joy.”

The tweet instantly made me remember a sentiment I often come across in arguments about homosexuality; in fact the sentiment is so common that I sometimes bait people with homosexual arguments just to hear it. It goes thusly: “With all the women with big soft boobies and large asses in the world, is the thought of a man’s dick in another’s man asshole not revolting to you?”

Now this piece is not about homosexuality per se, rather it is about our society’s (I write as a Nigerian now) fixation with sexual intercourse, or to be crass, “fucking”, of which homosexual sex is a type. Whether we admit it or not, there is no arguing that us Nigerians love to talk about sex. Even though we pride ourselves as a God-fearing, religious people when the issue of sex comes up, especially if it is about sexual “perversions”; deep inside, we are all voyeurs. Of course we could point out the plenty of superstar musicians and movie stars who achieved their status through our society’s fascination with sex. Wizkid’s Caro for instance became a massive hit, yet no one ever admits to listening to it. Or the many gigabytes of porn (which many people will never admit to by the way) that are downloaded every day; these issues are just physical manifestations of a deep-seated collective habit, and it is not a modern problem either, in spite of what indignant moral-horse-riding adults would have you believe. When older people ask me the satisfaction young people derive from watching porn, I often politely mention that it is the same kind of satisfaction that made our ancestors converge outside a man’s bedroom to see the result of the sex he just had with his new wife. Voyeurism in this context not only about perceiving with physical senses, voyeurism by imagination is also voyeurism.

We love talking about all kinds of sex, how much of it we are having, how much of it we are not having, how much of it we should be having and our lawmakers even make laws about which kinds of it we should or should not be having. Even our religions place a high premium on discussion about sex; ask your average pastor or marriage counselor, and he/she will tell you that the main purpose of marriage is procreation (which in simple English is having sex to make children).

It is not as if sex is bad, or that it is bad to talk about it. In fact there is a need to talk about sex in order to gain an understanding on how all the parties involved can derive maximum satisfaction from it.

The problem is when we as individuals vehemently deny our voyeurism, yet it manifests in our relationships towards our fellows. It is this “mind in the gutter” syndrome (to use local slang) that is responsible for our close-mindedness about certain issues.

If for instance a man mentions that his heterosexual relationship doesn’t involve sex, people might find it difficult to believe, but they wouldn’t deem it impossible. But if another man mentions that he is a homosexual, the first thing whoever he mentions it to will do is to imagine his dick inside someone’s ass or someone’s dick inside his ass. I am straight, so I know for certain that non-sexual heterosexual relationships exist. Is a homosexual relationship on the other hand only defined by butt sex? Are there no homosexual relationships between two people who just want to be together without having butt sex? For instance, aren’t there homosexuals who get friend-zoned just like straight people? Maybe someone who is homosexual can be helpful and provide an answer.

Our voyeuristic society seems to believe that gays are hornier than straight people, as if all the butt sex they are having makes them want to screw anything that has a penis, which makes them by extension rapists. I stand to be corrected, but I am absolutely sure that (and the tweet I quoted above proves it too) the reason why the society is so indignant about male-on-male sex is mostly because of the anal region it involves. Women are for instance allowed to pretty much slobber all over each other, but if a guy attempts to get too familiar, the voyeuristic imagination carries the action to the logical conclusion.

Before you think I am going to talk about gay issues again, it is not just a problem LGBTQs face; it is a problem, feminism deals with too. The Basketmouth rape joke, which caused so much outrage from feminists, comes out of a mentality that the logical conclusion of taking a woman out on a date is sex. If for instance a woman suddenly starts gaining rapid promotions in the office, one will find one or two or many colleagues who think she is getting everything by granting sexual favours. The argument is not whether this could true or not, but why should someone be defined on the basis of who he/she is fucking?

Where am I going with all this? It is that Jesus Christ was apt when he told those people who wanted to stone the women: “He who is without sin be the first to cast the stone.” The reason why there are so many rules and laws on when and where to have sex as well as what sex to not have is because we are all voyeurs, but we refuse to admit it. Perhaps if we as individuals and as a society pull our minds out of the proverbial gutter, perhaps we will become more open minded about issues surrounding us.

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    • Oluwadamilare Okoro
      August 12, 07:17 Reply

      Ohhh did I say I love that part where he made reference to our ancestors standing outside a newly Wed’s house …. I have always thought”wtf”.

  1. Silver Cat
    August 12, 07:41 Reply

    I absolutely absolutely loved this write-up. My favourite part, “We love talking about all kinds of sex, how much of it we are having, how much of it we are not having, how much of it we should be
    having and our lawmakers even make laws
    about which kinds of it we should or should
    not be having.”

  2. Max
    August 12, 07:51 Reply

    Beautiful beautiful.. Biko I’m gonna share

  3. Bayo Adegbite
    August 12, 09:26 Reply

    I thought to come around and see the work Op-ed has done on the original piece, and I think I like it. I know using the word Voyeurism sort of cast the actual action in a bad light, but I don’t have any issues with talking about sex. sex is part of what defines us a human beings (as per the R in MR NIGER D for the science buffs), the problem is when we refuse to acknowledge that sometimes things are not as they seem just because we are thinking of sex. Thanks for all the comments I really feel validated

  4. Mandy
    August 12, 09:43 Reply

    This guy is just deliciously on-point!

  5. Tobby
    August 12, 10:11 Reply

    Engaging, interesting read

  6. Khaleesi
    August 12, 10:59 Reply

    Beautiful piece Mr Adegbite! you’re one of the few glowing examples of hope and tolerance in an ocean of intellectual stupor and intolerance. Please keep it up! I have come to the conclusion that Nigeria is the global Headquarters of hypocrisy – you dont wanna know half the things that the avowed homophobes and morally upright opium sniffers get up to behind closed doors …

  7. yinkss
    August 12, 12:31 Reply

    Hey guys. I was thinking of something. Why don’t u guys download true caller and true dialer app from Google play. U can use the dialer app to search for names of any number while the caller app automatically search for the names of those unknown numbers that calls u but it requires H+ Internet to work sha. I feel this might go along way to help us in Nigeria. U can easily compare the name the person gave u to the names true dialer brings out. And for those they have or will experience kitoing in future, pls don’t delete this people’s number, save them on your phone with stuffs like “danger”, “419”,etc. True caller and dialer will upload your contacts too so that incase if any other person search for such numbers, they will know it’s not safe. I feel this will go a long way to help us especially in terms of kitoing. Don’t know if I’m making any sense sha but I’ll appreciate if PP can read this, research on it and maybe make a post about it so as to enlighten us all.

    • Khaleesi
      August 12, 16:40 Reply

      @Yinkss, this is a very good idea, but remember that most of these kito merchants usually steal the phones of their victims, so after the incident, the victim is likely to have lost their numbers …

  8. sensei
    August 12, 23:40 Reply

    Thank you for your insightful piece. This is what it means to be open-minded.

  9. Queen mother
    August 13, 12:31 Reply

    this post be making look sobber and horney at the same time. we are all voyuers. I like. I am gonna share this to my straight and homophobic friends too. no damn given.

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