Straight? No! Bisexual? Maybe.
I did not have much exposure to the LGBTQ+ community, when I was growing up. Then again, very few people of a generation were. I was also very sheltered in my upbringing. As if that wasn’t bad enough, I was born-again for a good many years in my teens and early 20s. In other words, sexuality as far as I knew it was hetero.
Sure, I’d had a few encounters with homosexuality, but it was mainly in form of rumors. That is, so and so person is gay; but none of these ‘sus’ persons ever confirmed it. I remember in my first year in university, there was this tomboy the entire school whispered about. As far as I am aware, she was never seen with a girlfriend or any person who claimed she made a move on them.
Then, there was Weird MC (I am really dating myself here, I know). Weird MC was dogged by the gay rumor. And then, there was that one time during a TV interview, the interviewer asked her if she was a lesbian. True story! I watched it live and direct! With how uncomfortable she got and how she tried to deflect the question, you could tell it was not a pre-approved question but a ‘gotcha’ one.
Of course, there were the rumors of secondary school girls in dormitories who were apparently fiddling with themselves. However, those were always talked about, not as a sexual orientation but rather as “relieving tension”. Like how prison sex is viewed.
Even at that, I know of one person who admitted to engaging in same sex. She was my roommate in university, and she talked about it as though it was “one of those things”. She was dating men at the time, and never spoke of having interest in women.
In other words, as far as my experience went, people were heterosexual and that was it. Thus, I never once thought of myself as being anything but straight. Even in all the years I had sex dreams where I was fucking women, I still saw myself as straight. In those dreams, I was in the form of a man, so technically it wasn’t “same sex”. Therefore, those dreams didn’t make me any less straight. After all, I’d had dreams where I leaped through air; it didn’t make me a ninja. Even though I would acknowledge that women caught my eyes in the same way men did, I thought it was normal. You see, when I look at a man that I find attractive, I rarely imagine him naked or us having sex. That’s the way it was with me and women. While I find them very aesthetically pleasing, I didn’t look at them and think “sex”. When Katy Perry’s ‘I Kissed a Girl’ was blasting everywhere, I remember wondering how that would feel. Still, that did not make me feel “unstraight”.
I think when I first started thinking that “maybe there is a little something else here” was in 2012. That was when, to the best of my recollection, I first pictured myself being with a woman in a sexual/romantic manner. I was at the train stop and I saw this gorgeous Southeast Asian-looking woman. I wanted to get to know her. I wanted to track her and get off at her stop. I wanted to speak to her, be with her, get intimate with her.
I did none of these. Instead, she’d go on to stay in my head for years, with me wondering what would have happened if I had gone after her. That was when I decided that perhaps I was not as straight as I thought I was. But I was only willing to concede to 2% “unstraight”.
I did get an opportunity to sleep with a woman many years down the line, but I was already married and I did not want to cheat. But by Jove, she was beautiful. However, like I said, I was married and very much wanted to stay faithful to my husband. So, nothing happened.
Despite all of these, I still saw myself as a straight woman. At best, I was bicurious. I’d been asked by a few people if I was bisexual; my husband straight up asked me if I was a lesbian! To him and the others who wondered, I’d vehemently insist that I was straight. The way my husband asked it was a little funny – at least it was to me. So, unlike what he expected, I had no problem with him looking at women. Instead, I looked at women with him. Sometimes, he may not even be looking, and I’d draw his attention to some particularly well-sculptured work of art. Personally, I am drawn to ass and boobs. And when I saw a sumptuous looking one, I’d say, “Hey, look at that!” I think perhaps one day, he thought, “This is sus.” And so, he asked. And I said, “No, I’m straight.” And he left it at that. I was not lying. I wholeheartedly viewed myself as a straight woman.
However, last year, I joined a bisexual group on Facebook purely out of curiosity. It was in this group I started reconsidering that maybe I was a little less than 98% straight. I saw so many representations of bisexuality there: women who predominately liked women, women who predominantly like men, men who predominately like men, men who predominately liked women, men and women who had no preference. Then there were those of us who weren’t quite sure what we were, and mostly had only ever slept with one gender. It was in this group that the idea that I was bicurious was squashed. There was this podcast that was shared by one of the members. In the podcast, the dude sharing his story talked about how he saw himself as a straight man, despite sleeping with men off and on for the past five years. One day, his elder brother said to him, “Hey, you sleep with men and women. What’s up with that?” And he replied that he was just experimenting with men. His brother went, “Dude, you don’t experiment for 5 years!” In case you don’t get what I am driving at, read it as this: “If you’re bicurious for that long, it’s no longer bicuriosity. It’s bisexuality!”
While I have now dropped the whole “I’m 98% straight” business, and the “bicurious” bullshit, I have not picked up the bisexual identity. I feel like it’s too late. That I have enjoyed straight privilege for too long, that this would be encroaching on a space that isn’t mine.
But that’s just me. What do you think?
Written by Flo
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9 Comments
Hennysin
August 24, 08:26Well I get that coming into or accepting your sexuality may seem to much but I think one of the beauties of life is the ability to change and it doesn’t matter how long it takes to get there what matters most is that you’re here now, you’re a bisexual woman and that’s totally fine nothing should make you feel like the space isn’t yours cuz it is, as for enjoying the straight privilege well the way I see it you genuinely didn’t know and you’ve already lived that life what matters most is how you live life now going forward.
Bibi
August 24, 10:15Claim the title if it’s true for you! There’s a lot to be said for respecting others and acknowledging your straight privilege as a “historically straight” bisexusl woman, but there’s also a lot to be said for the lack of privilege in not having the tools to explore you bisexuality for so many years because of heteronormativity. It’s a two-way street. But you are one of us, come sit at the table.
MgMHater
August 24, 20:07I’m biphobic anyways….
I felt uncomfortable reading this..
Funny thing is, I seem to be somewhat bicurious YET I dislike bisexuals
Pink Panther
August 24, 20:37This bias is something you’re proudly admitting as a homosexual? Lol. Really?
KDaddy23
August 24, 22:17Biphobia is, by definition, an irrational fear of bisexuals; disliking bisexuals is something else and your reasons for this dislike probably aren’t irrational but based upon any experiences you may have had or, like many, what you’ve heard about bisexuals that you just don’t agree with. I dislike liver and onions… but I’m not fearful of it and this is a difference that a lot of people claiming to be suffering from biphobia don’t seem to understand and then one might wanna ask themselves if it makes any sense to be irrationally fearful. Most people find that it doesn’t and if you feel that it does, ya might want to do something about that because there’s nothing to be afraid of and more so when one isn’t of a mind to have anything to do with bisexuality.
Such biases say more about you than it does bisexuals and it’s no different from how people feel about having homophobia which is the irrational fear of homosexuals… and the question is why this fear exists in the first place? And does it make sense to be afraid of something that you just might not know anything about other than what you’ve heard or admitting to having something that, chances are, you don’t really understand?
Pink Panther
August 25, 04:06Please, good sir, bias against people based on their sexual orientation is NOT an irrational fear. Don’t fall into that category of homophobic people who attempt to justify their prejudice against queer people by saying, ” Well, it’s an irrational fear and I’m not fearful of them. So…”
No. Stop.
Homophobia is the dislike or prejudice against gay people.
Merriam Webster defines it as the “irrational fear of, aversion to, or discrimination against homosexuality or gay people.”
A quick search through Wikipedia reveals the definition as something that “encompasses a range of negative attitudes and feelings toward homosexuality or people who are identified or perceived as being LGBT. It has been defined as contempt, prejudice, aversion, hatred or antipathy, may be based on irrational fear and ignorance, and is also related to religious beliefs.
So yes, prejudice against queer people is a lot more defined than your simple “irrational fear”. And as such, is biphobia.
Which is why I do not understand why a queer person who himself suffers from this prejudice from the mainstream public will turn around to be admitting that they’re biphobic, owning it with his chest as though he deserves a cookie for it.
KDaddy23
August 24, 20:22It is never too late. Even though I’ve been bisexual pretty much all of my life (I’m 65), I know a lot of men and women who, as I like to say, were late to the party and willing to explore their newly-found – or newly admitted – bisexuality. It is believed that in order to truly be bisexual, you have to have the sex and that’s not the whole truth; I know a lot of bisexuals who haven’t had the sex but are all about being comfortable with their thoughts and feelings.
The biggest thing about this is to do your best not to let other people mess with you about your sexuality and more so when – and as you shared – they’re going to get it wrong and bombard you with stereotypes, myths, and misconceptions that I heard way back in the 1960s so, to that end, no one is saying anything new. As such, I know a lot of women who check out other women and they’re not bisexual but they can appreciate a good-looking woman just as much as a man could.
To keep this short, bisexuality isn’t all about what you do: It’s about how you feel, what you think and, importantly, all about you. Don’t worry so much about the labels; they are what they are, you know this, nothing to be worried about. Human sexuality has always been fluid and there’s no “time limit” for someone to embrace a change in their sexuality even later in life. So if this is how you’re feeling, own it and know that you’re not as alone as you might feel. When it comes to bisexuality, WE ARE LEGION and we are everywhere.
Rexxy
September 03, 16:11I love that you owned your truth, you chested it baby girl and don’t you ever be pressured to be this or that, you will figure it out or you might never but you don’t have to pressure yourself. If you really really trust your husband you can talk to him about t …if not you don’t have to try anything…follow your pure heart it never leads you astray
VINA
October 04, 12:53You don not have to act on your sexuality to be valid. It’s okay to know you like women, it’s okay to love your husband and never cheat on him.
It’s okay and you’re valid.
Wishing you many more years of love.