Waka Pass Diaries (No Shame)

Waka Pass Diaries (No Shame)

May 23

During my journey of self-ownership, I read something somewhere where it was written: “When you refuse to see the shame in something about you, then you take away the power of anyone to shame you with that thing.”

And I began applying that philosophy to various aspects of my life. Using it to slowly eradicate my insecurities.

It was when I started saying: “I am gay.”

When I started saying: “I am Bottom.”

When I started saying: “I love sex.”

It wasn’t until this happened that I realised there was apparently something else I had owned without even knowing it. Until an idiot opened his mouth and tried to stigmatize me with it.

I chatted with a guy on Grindr earlier in the day. He was around my area. Identifies as versatile. Was ready to come over and fuck. The kind of stress-free hookup I always appreciate.

He came around. He wanted to do the whole “let’s get to know each other” but I simply wanted to fuck. And fuck we did. It was nice. Not spectacular. Just OK. At least, it knocked my konji out.

And then, in the post-coital silence, he said he wanted to ask me something. I said he should go ahead. He wanted to know if I intended to get married. I rolled my eyes internally, thinking: Dear God, let this not be one of those who start preaching to you about the abomination you both have committed after the fact.

I replied no. That I had no intention of getting married.

He asked why. I said because I am gay and would only want to spend the rest of my life with a man.

He asked if I’d ever had anything sexual to do with girls. I said I came close one time in the university. But was too revolted to go through with it. That that was actually when I decided to lay off ever getting sexual with girls.

He asked if I’d ever topped anyone before. I said no. He asked why. I gave him a “Duh” look and said it was because I am Bottom. He asked if I’d never wanted to top a guy before. I said that that is the exact definition of being bottom: to not want to top.

Then he said he has to tell me something and that I should promise I won’t be angry. I told him I would try not to be.

Then he began. Started by telling me that something is missing in my life. That I should look at him, he used to be like me (bottom, that is), but then he began to feel the urge to penetrate guys and soon became a versatile. And now, he has graduated to even fucking girls. (This he said with a noticeable sense of pride) That there is something missing in my life. (He actually said this three times) That how can I say I have no interest in topping anyone. That the reason he feels I have decided to be like that is because I have such a small dick. And that it is something I should seek help for, so it will fix the something missing in my life. (The third time he said it.) That my dick is too small for someone in his thirties. (For the life of me, I have no idea what age has to do with dick size, but OK.)

As he spoke, I had several flashes in my mind. Images from my past. Fragments of every time the insecurity of having a small dick made me distort myself. Like refusing to wear boxers that are anything but baggy. Refusing to conquer my fear of swimming because going to the pool meant wearing skimpy trunks. Flinching every time a first-time lover touched my dick. Wearing pajamas to bed all through the time I roomed with a friend during university. Refusing to share the bathroom with friends when I was in the university. (I was actually so insistent on this that my friends back then began to think I had a deformity I was hiding.)

The insecurity of having a small dick was something that plagued me for a long time. Until one day, I began to determinedly dismantle it by taking fierce pride in my body. I went out one day and bought the skimpiest batch of underwear I could get. I went swimming for the first time with some friends, and forced my legs to move me out into the open space of the poolside, wearing nothing but crotch-hugging swimming trunks. I turned the fear of wearing underwear to step outside into a pride in flaunting what I’ve got. (I mean, Jeezuz, I’ve got such fine, fair legs.)

I WORKED on that insecurity until it became yet another thing about me that I’d owned.

And this muthafucker was just going to sit there, trying to shred that dignity??? The worst part being that he wasn’t even aware he was being stigmatizing. He legit sounded like he was giving me good advice.

That is, until he wasn’t. His voice trailed out when he got a good look at my face and the ice in my eyes.

“You are angry, aren’t you?” he said.

“No,” I replied very evenly. “If I was angry, I would tell you to put on your clothes and get the fuck out of my house right now. If I was angry, I would ask you how stupid you are to tell someone you’ve known all of fifteen minutes that there is something missing in his life. If I was angry, I would ask you what gives you the gall to try to make someone feel insecure about their body when you know next to nothing about them.”

“So, you are angry then, aren’t you?” he said again.

“Yes,” I said. “Now, put on your clothes and get the fuck out of my house right now.”

He did. Put on his clothes while I watched in stony silence from the bed. When he was done, he looked at me and said, “I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean the things I said the way they sounded.” When I didn’t respond, he continued rambling, apologising some more and saying how he would chat me up when he gets home.

“Don’t bother,” I said. “I already blocked you on Grindr.”

“I suppose that means you won’t walk me out.”

I smiled acidly at him. “I would have to wear just my boxers, and I wouldn’t want to show my small dick to the neighborhood.”

He nodded. Turned and left. And I returned to my reading of Sophie Kinsella’s Twenties Girl.

So yeah, I suppose I am gay. I am Bottom. I love sex. And I have a small dick. Is there anything else I should feel ashamed of???  ??

Written by Pink Panther

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  1. Jay
    May 24, 07:09 Reply

    No there isn’t. We love you like that!?

  2. Black Dynasty
    May 24, 07:38 Reply

    “That I should look at him, he used to be like me (bottom, that is), but then he began to feel the urge to penetrate guys and soon became a versatile. And now, he has graduated to even fucking girls.”
    That level of ignorance used to infuriate me in the past. Now, it amuses me once I understood people like that speak out of their own insecurities… little or nothing do with you.

    I admire the courage to own all the insecurities and confront them head on ??????

    “I AM ENOUGH”…still by far the most important thing I’ve understood as a human being.

  3. realme
    May 24, 08:16 Reply

    hun… it’s kills you had to listen that long …(rolling my eyes )

  4. J
    May 24, 08:33 Reply

    It all goes to toxic masculinity. May be he was angry you couldn’t penetrate him.

    Most of these guys with internalised homophobia always get angry whenever one tells them that they’re only gay and don’t do women. After you give them the privilege to drill your hole, they even have the guts to say nonsense. Seriously there’s no fun in having a dick in one’s asshole, it’s just a suffocating feeling that makes someone wants to poo. Most of these tops feel they’re doing someone a favour, if they truly want to be with a woman, they should stop chasing bottom gays and focus on women. Hypocrites and ungrateful cows!

    So next time, you’ll know the kind of people to invite to quench your sexual thirst. And of course you should be ready for any kind of shit as long as you’re the one that invited it.

    You could be upset to rudely ask someone out of your bed and home and they could obey without resistance, but when you meet a psycho, they could strangle the life out of you. Be very careful, there are so many hateful and evil people out there even among the so called gays.

    • Pink Panther
      May 24, 08:43 Reply

      ” but when you meet a psycho, they could strangle the life out of you.”

      LOL. It’s interesting to note the part where you implied that I am weak and incapable of defending myself. You just trapped yourself in the web of the condemnation you were supposed to be making against toxic masculinity.


      • J
        May 24, 09:34 Reply

        I’m not implying that you’re weak. I’m just trying to make a point, so don’t make me eat my words. You could be armed or you could even be the psycho here. So let me just pity your victims.

  5. Versatile? Bisexual? Peace the fuck out ✌?

    However anecdotal, this post solidified my stance that “versatiles” are bi-sexuals in training, and they are (mostly) up to no good.

    You can say all you want to say, preach all you want to preach, but this bitch is standing by her rigid, outdated stereotype, and very much like the writer of this post, I am NOT ashamed of it.

    • Delle
      May 24, 10:26 Reply

      ‘versatiles are bisexuals in training’

      There’s a very huge difference between standing by YOUR truth and owning it, because it’s your truth, your life, your features, attributes you can’t help but embody. That’s PP.

      But standing by a false, misleading, shallow, grossly unacceptable assertion that versatiles are bisexuals in the making is silly, for lack of a better adjective. It’s not a truth. It’s not a fact. It might be an opinion but a very wrongly STATED opinion will not be applauded.

      • If you probably realize that, it is my stance, my belief, my choice, my stereotype and maybe through organizing that realization, also mind your business and take yourself away from the need to preach on what I commented that works for me, then we would not be here.

        Take your pseudo intelligence and scurry off, I didn’t beg for your applause.

        • Mandy
          May 24, 17:19 Reply

          Well, at least we can thank God you’re not a heterosexual homophobe. With a mindset like this, that refuses to see the flaw in your reasoning, I’m pretty sure you’d be one of those homophobes that’d rather die and be buried with your biases than open up your mind to the possibilities that the world is painted differently from what you see.

          Versatiles are bisexuals in training. ?????? That’s honest-to-God hilarious. I mean, if you take away how it makes bisexuality look like something people choose to be. A lifestyle even. You know, the way homophobes say that children who watch gay content on TV are homosexuals in training.

        • Delle
          May 24, 21:48 Reply


          At least, it’s so much more than I can say for for you.

          Bisexuals in training?

    • Pink Panther
      May 24, 10:45 Reply

      Versatiles are bisexuals in training?

      Come on. How does that even make any sense please?

  6. Mitch
    May 24, 09:09 Reply

    I admire your patience and restraint!
    I wouldn’t have listened that long.
    If na me, na slap and get out him for see.

    Nonsense and condescending idiocy!

  7. Fred
    May 24, 09:34 Reply

    Seriously o
    I hate that most people in my past knew nothing about me other than “you know him nau; the guy with a big d!¢k”.
    I had to take years off the gay scene (the only world I know) in order to redefine my identity.
    We really need to watch out for dumb people. They’re everywhere

    • Audrey
      May 24, 12:38 Reply

      Is this a subtle advert of some sort?

      If it was my dear it worked perfectly because I for one would want to confirm that it indeed is as big as you make it sound if you are in Lagos oh.
      I need Practical examples on the research I’m carrying out.Loool

    • Avid fan
      May 29, 00:15 Reply

      Bia, are you Igbo and a lawyer? *asking for my peace of mind*

    • Tlg
      October 08, 07:43 Reply

      Preach it!Hallelujah! Amen!

    • J
      May 24, 13:00 Reply

      What does a bottom needs a big prick for? Real tops are not fantasize by prick, but the hole instead. Won’t you question a top that constantly grasp your crotch? How’s he even a top in the first place? ??????

      • McDuke
        May 24, 16:37 Reply

        Another useless and foolish stereotype…smh for people like you!!!

      • Mandy
        May 24, 16:58 Reply

        Fadalawd. ?? Please make it go away.

      • Kenny
        May 24, 18:32 Reply

        What did I just read? So tops aren’t interested in sucking dicks or jerking off their partners??

        I’m sure you think tops shouldn’t get their ass eaten too

      • trystham
        May 24, 18:58 Reply

        Who are you again? When I need stupid responses to queries, I know to face you. I didn’t need the stupid. Not today least of all

  8. Higwe
    May 24, 14:14 Reply

    Correct me if I’m wrong ..but the whole point of this article is to show how you’ve seemingly embraced your flawsomeness ?

    Then the first chance you got to actually test your resolve ; you floundered ?

    It’s one thing to wear a tight, skimpy brief to a pool (literally everyone does ,even people with much smaller dicks than you ) and it’s another thing entirely to be openly ridiculed by someone you just shared physical intimacy with.

    The boy’s aim was to upset ,and boy did you give him the pleasure of thinking he succeeded.

    Sending him out of your house , was what he expected.

    Blocking him on Grindr is pretty childish.

    You treating his rambling like a foofaraw and possibly extracting one or two more rounds from his “okayish” penis and then quitely dismissing him like the inconsequential thing he is , is what I expect from someone who has embraced his “flaws”

    Sorry but your reaction doesn’t make you seem like a bad bitch (if that’s what you were going for ) it actually makes you seem like a super sensitive queen .??

    • Pink Panther
      May 24, 16:53 Reply

      Thank you, Higwe. For all your super insightful takes into the lives and complexities of other people. It’s so refreshing when someone has the singular capacity to sum up other people the way you so excellently do.

      Keep up the good work.

      Better still, go bag a degree in psychology. God knows you are always so dead-on when it comes to the human psyche.

      • Mandy
        May 24, 16:59 Reply

        ???? Oh PP. Which of his adoring fans are you channeling, Simba or Keredim?

        • Pink Panther
          May 24, 17:06 Reply

          Hush please. I’m now a genuine believer of Higwe’s staggering wisdom.

      • Francis
        May 27, 14:50 Reply

        ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

  9. Omiete
    May 24, 16:45 Reply

    Yaas PP Yaasssss Own it!! Flaunt it!!!!

  10. Teeze90
    May 24, 16:54 Reply

    So me dat i now have 6″ dick and im full on bottom from day one, shey I’m now mad ni.

    Some people sha.

    • trystham
      May 24, 19:03 Reply

      6″ is average abeg. Besides I thot we’d already established dick length is not bedroom role determinant

  11. Mandy
    May 24, 17:12 Reply

    The body shaming culture of (especially) gay people sha. I’m trying to wrap my mind around the audacity someone has, even if it’s from a good place, to “advise” someone else about his body and life after just a few minutes of being acquainted with him. I get that sex is the most intimate way of making someone’s acquaintance, but in the gay hookup culture, it’s in fact the least intimate way of knowing someone.

    Getting naked with someone by no means gives you any authority on that person’s life.

  12. Kristopheux
    May 24, 22:04 Reply

    Well I have a big d** but is no determinant for me been a top… I love been bottom and unapologetic about it….

  13. IBK
    May 25, 08:51 Reply

    *sprinkles holy water on the tb comments*

  14. Kayeze
    May 25, 09:31 Reply

    In conclusion …. PP has a small dick .. n doesn’t like pple talking about it … Oya to d next post

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