A GUIDE TO BEING A SUCCESSFUL HOMOPHOBE

A gay guy is defined as a boy who has sex with another boy. As we all know, this “gayism” is a cult, formed by the rainbow people who escaped from the devilish city of Sodom and Gomorrah. A rainbow sperm is what formed the first gay person; nobody was born gay except this person.

Now, this guide starts with: Ways Of One Getting Converted To Homosexuality, with the respective ways of prevention.

Number 1: Talking to gay people. Never ever talk to any gay person you know or suspect. Don’t ever compliment them. Never ever make the mistake of touching them. The “gay virus” is like Ebola or Chicken pox; once you touch the gay person – Boom! You are GAY!

Number 2: Forgetting to add “no homo” when interacting with a guy. Don’t ever forget to add those two little words anytime you compliment your fellow guy, or when you help a brother out. If you ever forget to do so, just go straight to the church, because, bruh, you gay now.

Number 3: Forgetting to cover your bum-bum with the Blood of Jesus – Wait, that’s very gay too. Scratch that. Just put your hands behind on your butt always. Wait another minute, touching your butt is gay too. OK, let’s cancel Number 3.

Moving on!

Another Number 3: By watching TV shows that have gay characters. Even if there is an ensemble of straight characters and there is just one same-sex couple shoving their gayness down your throat, watching such a TV show can – sorry, will definitely turn you gay. I recommend Papa Ajasco and other Nigerian movies, very gay free. These white people want to spoil us. Let’s not let them!

Number 4: Staring at the rainbow for too long. Most people don’t know it, but the rainbow god lives there. Staring at him for too long can turn you. Just avoid rainbows. When it rains, hide under your bed for protection. It’s better to be eaten by the Boogieman than for the rainbow god to get you.

Number 5: Do not wear clothes with the colours purple, green, blue, yellow and red on them. You know what, don’t wear coloured clothes. Just stick with black and white. Wait, black stands for Satan, and Satan created homosexuals. So you know what, just stick to white.

Number 6: This is very important. Always talk about the sexual organ of your opposite partner. Say things like: “I like breasts. Breasts are life,” if you are male, and “As dick sweet reach, na another girl breast you dey find,” if you are female. Make these opposite-sex declarations. Say them with smiles and gladness, because these declarations are what will keep you straight.

Number 7: Preach about how you lynched or insulted a gay person. This is almost like Number 6, but the difference is, Number 6 may lead you to hell, which is a bad thing because you will be stuck with gay people down there. But here, God will clap for you and your fellow straight friends will adore you. Even if you have to lie, have a story ready of how a gay person came on to you, and you insulted him and maybe even punched his lights out. Once you do this, my brother, you become immune to the “gay virus.”

Number 8: Do not touch anything connected to your sexual organ. As a boy, don’t wash your boxers, because your penis touched your boxers. So if you touch the boxers, you indirectly touched your penis. I know an Albert Einstein is asking: “Is that why most straight boys don’t wash well, and don’t change their boxers?” Yes, my dear, you are very correct.

Also, don’t bother wiping you ass after excreting. Because taking your hand anywhere near your butthole… That’s just gay!

Number 9: Watch football. Do you know that watching football makes you a full-blown heterosexual man? If you are saying, why are there female footballers? Well, duh, they are lesbians.

Number 10: Never ever touch someone of the same sex as you. No hugs, no prolonged handshakes, no waving even. Scientists have discovered that waving travels with waves which may convert the mechanical wave of the hand to sound wave and then – you know what, just go and browse it on the internet. But know this: always keep contact with people of the opposite sex.

Number 11: Don’t go to a particular sex boarding school, like all boys or all girls. I don’t need to explain this. You know this. Such schools serve as a factory for homosexuals. Children who go there turn out gay and then graduate into the society to start infecting others.

Number 12: Be homophobic and proud. This one works like magic. Just hate gay people. If people tell you that as a Christian, you shouldn’t hate them, tell them you don’t hate them, you just hate the gay in them. Sorta like how you can like a black person but hate their colour. Troll gay people and gay posts and talk about how they are shoving “it” down your throat. Talk about how they are going against your culture with your white man’s phone and how they are going against your religion while you’re on a break from your most recent sin. Do this and – fiam! Just like that! You are immune!

Ways Of Knowing You Have Contracted The “Gay Virus”

1. A rainbow logo appears on your forehead. This is what alerts other gays on who to have sex with.

2. You notice your sudden interest in Beyoncé’s music. Scientists are still trying to figure out the affinity the gay virus has with Beyoncé’s songs.

3. If you happen to die and find yourself in hell, just know you died because of the gay virus. That place was created for them.

The good news, however, is that there is now a cure for this disease. When you notice the above signs, follow the following procedures:

Step 1: Pay your tithes. Most churches won’t attend to you before until you have made a down payment – sorry, paid your tithe.

Step 2: Go for deliverance. If you are male, specifically ask for a female pastor to deliver you. Kneeling down in a circle of men is certainly not what Jesus died for you to do.

Step 3: Go home and start thinking of opposite sex. Focus on liking them too.

Step 4: HALLALUYAAARR!!! You are saved. Just don’t forget to drink the holy water and holy oil your pastor sold to you.

Honestly, these gay people want to take over the planet. We will not allow it! They don’t want to give birth and overpopulate the world. Those effeminate ones are the Devil’s supreme generals, always giving honest heterosexual men hard-ons with their twerk dances and Ru Paul’s walk. (Forget I said that. Remember I am straight so I’m not supposed to know that.)

Now brethren, let us sing our Association of Homophobes anthem song as we bring this manifesto to a close.

Written by Nonso Chukwu