Those Awkward Moments
“Why are you gay?”
A long time ago, someone asked me.
“Why? Why are you gay?”
It wasn’t even the kind of question that left wriggle room for doubt. He sounded certain.
“Why are you gay?” NOT “Are you gay?”
Of course, I acted like I didn’t know what he was talking about. “Huh!?”
He persisted. “I’ve seen your browser history. Gay porn? Why?”
I could have just turned tables and started badgering him on why he went through my browser history in the first place, but it would only sound more like me trying to change the subject. My defensiveness would be a statement of my…well, guilt.
But I was scrambling for a good excuse, a persuasive lie, a brilliant answer. I grasped at the ones that came into my head and ran with them. I gave my cousin my phone, he must have done it… Okay, I’m lying, I mistakenly clicked a link on Facebook… It was a mistake…
Yea, some brilliance.
I couldn’t fool him. Jude was my best friend. He could tell when I was lying or speaking the truth. And so, in a more solemn tone, he said again, “Why are you gay?”
And I replied, this time with utmost sincerity, “I don’t know…”
And from that day, Jude and I stopped talking and relating as much as we used to, until we finally stopped talking and relating AT ALL! The aftermath of that was that I missed him.
And then, several weeks later, I went out with a few friends, and you would not believe who we ran into. JUDE!
It was awkward because my friends were also his friends. So while they were greeting him with handshakes and fist bumps, I stood there like Kim Kardashian in a room full of nuns.
“Ah-ahn!” said my really loud friend, Samuel. “Jude, you no go greet Kevin?”
Everyone laughed. I even gave a fake giggle.
Jude walked over to me, and gave me a VERY stiff handshake. That was it! A handshake, and our greeting business was done.
Anyway, it turned out we had all come to see the same movie, 22 Jump Street.
Now, here’s where things got really awkward.
Almost every row of seat was full, except the front rows. So our choices were limited. I wanted to sit with my buddies, and then, when I discovered that the only other available seat was between Jude and Samuel, I started looking elsewhere. But mumu Samuel had to go and holler, “Kev, come and sit here na!”
Aswear I wanted to sink into the ground.
I eventually sat there and tried as much as possible not to make eye or physical contact with Jude. He seemed to be studiously doing the same too.
Thirty minutes into the movie, and I already had five cracked ribs and my throat hurt real bad from laughing too hard. And the fascinating thing about the situation was whenever something funny happened, and I looked at the way Jude smiled – his eyes, his lips – something in me would light up as if I had just seen a thousand stars dancing to ‘Let it go’.
And our eyes would meet and then depart again.
Then all of a sudden, the movie started to make references to gay guys and such, and I began to feel very self conscious. I started mouthing “Kill me now” to the heavens. You know that feeling of mortification you get when you’re in the midst of straight people and the topic of homosexuality comes on, and you feel like all eyes are on you… Well, that was how I felt.
Specifically, Jude’s eyes!
I tried so hard not to look at him, even just a little.
And then came the scene that I felt was really relevant in that movie, when Channing Tatum defended the rights of gay guys amongst other things. In that time, I took a peek at Jude’s face, and I swear, he was actually focusing on that scene like it meant something to him. And before I could look away, he turned to me, and our eyes met again.
Finally, the movie was over and the end credits and bloopers had started rolling up. People started exiting the cinema one by one. Samuel and my other buddies left to use the gents, while Jude and I remained in our seats like we planned it. Soon, we were the only ones there.
After what felt like a lifetime of awkward silence, I turned to him and began, “Look, I honestly didn’t know you were coming too. I wouldn’t have come if I knew.”
“No, it’s okay. I know.”
“So, we’re good?”
“Yeah, I guess. And look, I’m really sorry about shunning you these past months. I was just confused.”
“About what? The last time I checked, I was the gay one.”
At that, Jude hung his head like I had pushed a button, a VERY BIG EMOTIONAL button.
And it suddenly dawned on me. The question he asked me then – “Why are you gay?” NOT “Are you gay?” Jude wanted to know WHY I was gay. Not because he wanted to understand me, but because he wanted to understand HIMSELF. The light bulb that went on in my head was brilliantly incandescent.
Then I said in the gentlest way possible, “Jude, are you… are you gay?”
He didn’t answer. He didn’t nod. He didn’t speak. He did something even better. He grabbed my very surprised face and kissed me till His kingdom came. It felt like someone had just blown vanilla banger in my lips. It was simply the most delicious kiss.
“Does that answer your question?” he said when we pulled back.
All I could do was nod.
And then, just then, we heard someone from way down the gallery shout, “IT’S A LIE!”
Written by Reverend Hot
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72 Comments
MacArdry
March 20, 04:27So,any reward for being first to comment?
KingBey
March 20, 14:15Had a Nigerian friend gave me a BJ in a late night movie while the movie was going on. Final Destination 5….we were sitting at the last row though and yeah it was not in Nigeria. Can’t try shit in public while still in Nigeria.
Peak
March 20, 05:00Den-den! Den-den-den!!!
E ma se alaye taya!!!
From one awkward hot water to another.
Lol good luck talking ur way out of this one.
Regal Sweetheart
March 20, 05:06Negodu! Just negodu!
Hia!
A-non
March 20, 05:35Looool!
Na real negodu!
enigmous
March 20, 05:09This one na gobe
Well, at least, they have each other
Briggz
March 20, 05:11Why are you gay? You would hv asked him “Why are you male?”
pinkpanthertb
March 20, 05:16Hehehee. That’d be the finest rejoinder.
yours_truly
March 20, 05:15Ooooh k?
Dennis Macaulay
March 20, 05:26He kissed you in the hallway of a Nigerian cinema?
#AskingForMyPeaceOfMind
A-non
March 20, 05:34Nope, they remained on their seats after credit rolled. But even that is risky because last I checked, the cleaners come in to clean up before the next showing.
Dennis Macaulay
March 20, 05:43Oh okay! I just imagined kissing a man in silverbird here in portharcourt and how we will end up in creek road police station.
Anon I missed you bae! How are you
***stares daggers at peak***
A-non
March 20, 05:49Looool!
No violence please o!
I dey jare, just been buried deep in work and life for most part of this week.
Trust you are good though?
Absalom
March 20, 05:53Kissing a man in a Nigerian cinema. Very possible. Depends on where you’re sitting. *stares out the window*
pinkpanthertb
March 20, 05:56Hahahahahahahaa. *watching the guilty blush creeping across Absalom’s face*
A-non
March 20, 05:57@Absalom,I have me my pen and writing pad to take notes.
Kindly proceed with that kissing in the cinemas tutorials…thank you very much!
Dennis Macaulay
March 20, 06:08My dear you people kiss in cinemas? Boys are not smiling.
One time I went to genesis with my then bf on Wednesday. It was only us in the cinema room, we put our legs on top of the seat and front of us and I was contemplating making out. A staff of genesis showed up from nowhere and asked us to put our legs down that people aren’t allowed to match the seats.
Apparently he was seeing us from god knows where because the room was empty.
After that embarrassing day, I went and removed “having sex in a cinema” from my bucket list. At least not in Nigeria lol
pinkpanthertb
March 20, 06:32Hahahahaa. Jisox! There are invisible eyes looking into the cinemas?! :O
Mercury
March 20, 07:02They have cameras in der???,Chei Mufasa ooooo, I think we got a sex tape out there, good thing the manager of the cinemas is queer too.
pinkpanthertb
March 20, 07:21Hahahahahahahaa. Mercury, you’ve been a bad boy in between takes of Fast and Furious, haven’t you?
Mercury
March 20, 09:24I wish it was fast and furious, it was a freaking children’s animation Rio 2. Silverbird better be ready to pay me royalties if that shit gets out.
pinkpanthertb
March 20, 09:47Hahahahahahahaa. Looking to go the Kim Kardashian route, are we?
Silvery Cat
March 20, 10:30Nna biko jukwa ya ozo.
Akuko nke a sokwara uso.
I’ve heard about things happening in PH cinemas sha…ka m siddon de look godi.
A-non
March 20, 05:32Pinky, no vex…Na fiction be this abi na real life?
The writers on this blog are slowly but surely feel selfish by only reading and commenting without contributing posts.
The latter part of it nailed it the most for me.
Expect a sequel?
pinkpanthertb
March 20, 05:49I didn’t quite understand the middle part of your comment, Anon
A-non
March 20, 05:51Oops…didn’t proof read before pressing SEND.
I meant with the great posts being churned out here recently, it’s begun to me feel selfish for being only a reader and commentator without being a contributor.
Mercury
March 20, 05:55Hian!!!!, y’all waited till d lights came on to make out??????,Okay!!
Rapum
March 20, 06:13Please fact or fiction? And will there be a sequel? The end was almost romantic (the intruder ruined it jor)
KyrxxX
March 20, 06:36Hian!!
It is a lie oh! Even me too talk say na lie!
Warisdis?
See me waving my hand from side to side when dey kissed and all! U had to include an intruder! It better be an open mined one oh!
Nd somebody better be posting d sequel soon b4 I pull their sutana during Sunday mass nd expose d thong underneath! Lol!
Ppl shaa dey try oh! Kissing in public in naija! Oh chi m nwenne!
pinkpanthertb
March 20, 06:37Hahahahahahahaa. That ball of craze called Kryxxx is back indeed.
Mitch
March 20, 06:44Onye ara ibe m, i natago?
KyrxxX
March 20, 09:29Onye ara ibe m a natago m oh! Unu a na azukwa? Lol!
trystham
March 20, 08:19sadly, not everyone will be a Tonia
Mitch
March 20, 06:43That question was a very awkward one! However, there are ways to put people on the hot seat without them knowing what happened.
That said, I do hope there’ll be a sequel. This story just gave me life.
#TeamKizito
March 20, 07:01Reverend Hot.. Lol.
Hmmm..
Gad
March 20, 07:16Kissing a guy in public?hmmm.some gutts
McGray
March 20, 07:20Lol. Maybe m d only one, but i have never seen sum1 that i look at and stars started falling, lol. And three of my paddies i told m gay who wanted to make it a case, i simply told them to go to hell or either stay with me. They gave excuses why they were angry initially and apologised saying it’s my life. The truth is dat ever since i known this blog i hv grown tougher skin than what i had before (Pinky God bless you). Even if my ppl ask me that question i wouldn’t say yes in Beyonce’s singing voice, but in Mariah Carey combined with Celine Dion’s high octaves i would say Yes. If u dnt like me GO AND SUCK DONKEY’S OTULE. BUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
Oluwadamilare Okoro
March 20, 07:37Hahaha. Very nice story…
… and Yaaaay it’s a new series! no?
Biko Reverend Hot… “WE” need the concluding part oooooo
wazzosgrotto
March 20, 07:48I’m feeling the spirit of this post 😀 Looking forward to part deux. *Vogue Moves*
trystham
March 20, 08:12The ‘IZALIE’ at the end of the whole thing is like a happy kind I usually scream followed by ‘Awwwww, how cute’. *keeps fingers crossed for lynching and mobbing that may follow*
Sinnex
March 20, 09:04Nice one
posh666
March 20, 10:23Who has watched d season finale of empire???dat bitch fight btw boo boo kitty n cookie gave me LIFE! And omG who foresaw Jamal becoming head of empire?yass d gays be winning yass!
Max
March 20, 12:49Please don’t be posting spoilers here.. Please!!!!!! Please!!!!!!!!!! Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m begging you in the name of whatever you believe in please!!!
Some of us take suspense seriously, very seriously … There’s a way to comment and not reveal anything that happened.
Deola too, pls take note..you’ve fallen off the wagon few times.
pinkpanthertb
March 20, 13:00Posh666 and his ‘who has watched’ segments. I’ve come to simply skip any of his comments that begin with those words, anything to preserve the integrity of my anticipation of any TV series.
posh666
March 20, 13:15Lmao my “sista” sumtymz i just get carried away with my excitement and am just appreciating a gud movie na anywayz i will put a chill to dat since am officially a “spoiler”
pinkpanthertb
March 20, 13:31Lmao. The day you started with Who has watched Being Mary Jane, I wanted to cry. Kai.
posh666
March 20, 13:42Iol wanted to cry ke?oya mabinu i don stop.so plenty pipu dey vex for me ontop dis blog!thank God dem neva pour me acid.btw @bisi alimi am hailing oh gbogbo big girl iya ibadan ur pikin dey greet.
posh666
March 20, 13:19Shuo…seriosly very seriosly?ur blood dey hot o!oya na no vex no more spoilers.And its just one God i believe in and worship Allah!
pinkpanthertb
March 20, 13:29LMAO.
Max
March 20, 14:32*cold embrace*
Deola
March 20, 15:42Me ke?? I am an innocent someborry oh. Dakun I cannot fit shout.
Teflondon
March 20, 14:51*Typical*
I never get carried away expecting much from posh666. Nways
And before you think of attacking me… I don’t have any issues with you.
I just don’t expect anything credible from you dis days. (Putting your previous comments for some days now into perspective)
posh666
March 20, 15:18Lol my dear can u see how scattered you are?aswer sum comments u make just makes me wonder like how old are you?are u still under 20 or just an adult who refused to growup u are just scattered and everywhere if u think u have reached dat level to make snide remarks think again u are a joke forreal u need to work harder!!!
Teflondon
March 20, 15:49Just the reply I was expecting…
Typical posh666 response
“Attacks the person and refuse to address the issue at hand*
Bye from me now!
posh666
March 20, 15:54And what exactly is d issue pray tell?
Sinnex
March 20, 16:14You guys should just get a room and get it over with
posh666
March 20, 17:19Lmaooo sinnex see me oh it seems dis Teflo watever his called has a major crush on me aswer his obssesed with me.
Khaleesi
March 20, 10:37Wow Reverend, great piece! Who would have thought? !
tobby
March 20, 11:00Congratulatins…
pinkpanthertb
March 20, 11:27Hahahahaa. Good one, Mufasa
JustJames
March 20, 11:30Kissing in cinema? That’s tame. *keeps mouth firmly shut*
MacArdry
March 20, 12:11Hehehehe.Nice one,I’ll say
Teflondon
March 20, 12:52Depending on who “ITS A LIE” is coming from… Finally some story with no happy endings. Don’t I just love stories with no happy ending. (Touch of reality) I got bored growing to always hearing Cindarella-like stories. Reality is unpredictable, more fun. unlike predictable Cinderella-like stories I’ve been accustomed to. That “ITS A LIE” just added a touch of reality to your story. That’s if it is fiction (Cuz I don’t think in reality anyone will actually try to kiss in a Cinema hall when the lights are on)
Short, interesting, precise and unpredictable piece.
Hot one from Reverend Hot!
iLike iLike iLike!!
JustJames
March 20, 13:44So unless a story has a terrible ending then it isn’t realistic enough? Good things happen everywhere and all the time. Babies are delivered safely, people survive cancer, people find out their friends aren’t intolerant Nigerians, potential plane crashes are avoided.. I’m very curious as to why you think it’s unless something bad happens that a story is realistic. I’d get if you love tragedy but the insistence that it makes up reality in your opinion.. I don’t get.
Teflondon
March 20, 15:04Justjames you know I have asked if I know you before… You and yours_truly comment like people I think I know.. And i am suspecting the two names mentioned above are on and the same person…
Now back to what you were saying.. I never said that happiness is not happening around the world. All I am saying is.. Happy endings gets boring at times.. We have been accustomed to over time that life is all sweet bed and roses
Mitch
March 20, 16:10We get you wanting to always have a different opinion, Teflondon! Jist don’t overdo it. Like Chizzie’s constant vitriol spilling, at some point, it’ll get old and we’ll tire of it.
Gad
March 20, 16:55Unlike Chizzie, Teflondon addresses issues. He is not bitter nor insultive. The only problem he has is that he is not always “smart” to sheepishly follow align with trending views. Its unfair to compare him with Chizzie
Sinnex
March 20, 16:17you don’t fail to disappoint
Teflondon
March 20, 18:34@mitch I don’t get this Chizzie “Benchmark” yall are brandishing about… Chizzie has his views, I have mine… So please do take several sits back if you have nothing credible to say to me.
@Gad you couldn’t have said it better… *blows you hot kiss* just like fine wine “the older the better”
@Sinnex **hugs and kisses**
Real always recognize real!! *chop knockle*
Sinnex
March 20, 22:27LMAO
Those Awkward Moments (Episode 2) | kitodiaries
April 07, 06:22[…] Previously On THOSE AWKWARD MOMENTS: Jude asks Kevin why he is gay. Kevin doesn’t give Jude an accurate answer, so Jude stops talking to him altogether. Then, Kevin and Jude bump into each other at the mall with their mutual friends, and they all just happen to be about to see the same movie (Uh-Oh). During the movie, Kevin realises he might be in love with Jude. And after the movie, Jude kisses him. Sparks fly. But not for long, because, just then, someone down the aisle screams: “IT’S A LIE!” […]
Cher
April 08, 06:16Awkward comments…