BEST OF BOTH WORLDS (To Tell Or Not To Tell: Part 2)
Because I am an unabashed fan of Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, as I’ve always done in previous episodes, I’ll start this one by dropping this gem of a quote:
“There are some things that are so unforgivable, that they make other things easily forgivable.” – Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
Early last year, my wife developed a bit of a health issue: blood was pooling in her eyes, causing them to be bloodshot. So, she went to see an eye doctor, and was promptly registered as a patient in the clinic. As part of her registration, she listed me as her next-of-kin.
A few weeks later, I got a text message from someone wanting my wife to be informed of the furtherance of her treatment. Apparently, her results from her last appointment were out and the clinic couldn’t reach her because she hadn’t given the complete digits of her number. The sender signed off the text with the name of the person I knew to be my wife’s doctor: Doctor David.
And like a dutiful next-of-kin, I passed the message on to my wife. She went for her appointment a couple of days later, during which time I imagined she fixed the problem with her contact information.
However, whoever texted me earlier from the clinic must fancy himself a marriage counsellor, because on the same day my wife went there for her appointment (presumably after she’d left), he texted ME again.
I was a little bemused by this, as I tried to figure out if this was part of the services the hospital offered to their patients: the “Get Next-Of-Kin To Help Make Patient Happy” care package.
I didn’t respond. When I met my wife at home at the end of our days, I showed her the text and she dismissed it with a laugh.
In the following months, this became something of a routine. This person, who I assumed was my wife’s doctor, would keep texting me, either with updates of my wife’s appointments or with advice or information about her health and eye care. And all this time, I tolerated this intrusion and total disregard for doctor-patient confidentiality because I figured this was unconscious patriarchy at work: because of course, whatever is going on with a wife must be relayed to the husband.
Then in February this year, this Doctor David decided to forge some camaraderie between me and him that was very inappropriate on so many levels. He texted me this:
After reading this, I decided enough was enough. Throughout the period he’d been texting me, I never once responded. But that day, I broke my silence and typed back: “Mr. David, your messages are bordering on creepiness. Do you mind deleting my contact from your phone? Thanks in advance.”
But I was soon to find out that I was dealing with a psycho. A psycho who apparently had it in for me.
He texted back:
A surge of irritation swelled inside me as I read this. So, this was what it had always been about – some vindictive member of the gay community provoked by my aloofness. Someone with clearly not enough good happening in his life, he had to fixate on mine. Perhaps even someone whose advances I’d brushed aside back in my bachelor days.
At no point, as I read the text, did I feel the cold clutch of fear or the quickening of anxiety. It was just annoyance, and a sudden need to know more about this very unprofessional medical practitioner.
So, I dialled his number, not with the intent of speaking to him, but to see what information truecaller would supply me. There was nothing. No name. I quickly disconnected the call.
But apparently, not quickly enough. The call must have connected, because I got a text from him. It was filled with abuse and a definite threat. He finished the text with: “How I wish to see your wife so I can tell her your secret doings.”
At this point, I was caught between bafflement over this kind of vindictiveness that was seeking to destroy a person he didn’t even know, and amusement over his delusion that he had any power over me. In that moment, I suddenly felt a rush of relief over that day, years ago, when I decided to tell my truth to my wife. The fact that the only thing this guy represented to me was a nuisance and not a threat was not lost on me.
I was also nettled that a medical practitioner could ever have the temerity to be this unprofessional. At this point, I was ready to file a complaint with the Nigerian Medical Association to look into this matter. And I sent him a text to this effect – partly to let him know of my intent and partly to help him understand that I wasn’t fazed by him.
And his response suddenly made his behaviour make sense.
At this point, I had to involve my wife. I showed her the texts, which prompted her to tell me that the guy had called her earlier to tell her that he had something important to tell her. I couldn’t believe the gall on this guy. What sort of person was this that could be this spiteful, this venomous, this totally lacking in decency as to actually follow through with the intent to destroy someone else’s life – when that person didn’t even do anything to wrong him? All I did was text him to stop bothering me; I couldn’t imagine the lengths he’d go to get back at those who actually reject him or turn down his advances or get into one nastiness or the other with him.
My wife and I talked it over. She wanted to know what she should do, if she should oblige him by asking to meet him like he’d requested. I told her not to. From the texts I showed her, it was already obvious to her what he had to say. There was no need to give him any audience.
My wife also confirmed that in fact, her doctor had been out of the country for some time, and that the number texting me all this time wasn’t Doctor David’s. It was most likely some clerking personnel at the clinic. How sad his life must be, for him to fixate so thoroughly on mine.
I discussed the situation with a few close friends, and the consensus was that I should absolutely not engage the psycho. No more texts, no calls, nothing. I also blocked his number from being able to reach my wife on her phone.
A few days passed, and apparently, he kept trying several times to call my wife, but couldn’t get through. She, on the other hand, was getting the notifications of the missed calls. Finally, she called his number back, and the conversation, according to her, was brief.
After he said his piece, unburdened his soul of everything he felt he knew about me being a guy who fucks boys, my wife responded with a simple question: “Okay…so?”
When she told me this, it was all I could do not to burst out into a very robust laughter. I could imagine how anticlimactic that must have felt for him. To strike with the iron he thought would wound – only to end up barely causing a scratch.
I wrote this episode because I hope the guy, this fake Doctor David, is reading. If you are, I want you to know that following that phone conversation between you and my wife, we went on to reconnect further with a passion that only two people secure in their trust in one another can have. I want you to know that instead of breaking up my family, all you did was strengthen it.
I also want you to know that I’m working quietly and diligently to find out who you truly are and everything about you. Don’t get too comfortable in your miserable life, because someday, there might be a kito alert with your face on it, you blackmailing piece of kito scum.
So there: whenever this topic of gay/bi men being totally honest with the women they intend to marry comes up, and I read the chastisement that comes from single members of the community, I roll my eyes in exasperation. Because the realities are not easy to deal with and they are not guaranteed. My honesty rewarded me with a wife who may always suspect my associations with other men, and a marriage that can withstand any threat from outside regarding the exposing of a secret that isn’t a secret.
But my reality, as fortunate as it is, is the exception, not the rule. Kenny Badmus’s wife spent their marriage trying to fix him after he told her his truth, and when that didn’t work, she spent her life hating him for it.
That is a reality that comes from being honest. And there are, I’m sure, other realities too, some of them good, some of them ugly. And the last thing any gay/bi man running into the refuge provided by a heterosexual marriage is strong enough to do is to take that chance.
I know we must all be voltrons in the comments sections of the social media/blogosphere, but if you acquaint yourself with an MGM in real life, perhaps take a beat and have an understanding about his life before you say what you have to say to him about his mistakes.
Written by Nuel
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35 Comments
Seth
March 04, 06:27Word @ the last paragraph.
Oludayo
March 04, 06:59This is one of the coolest and indept, life related issues I get here….This is my truth maybe someday I will pen my story but guy you did well with this.
Let me add a pitch: if you not in their (MGM) shoes, don’t join to blame anyone!
Pinky thanks for the platform.
Proudly MGM!
Pink Panther
March 04, 07:55“Proudly MGM”…
LOL. It’s not an accomplishment, you know?
Higwe
March 04, 08:30He never said it was .
He just said he’s proud of being a married gay man , the way you have repeatedly stated you’re proud of simply being gay.
Ken
March 04, 09:14Hear! Hear!!
MGM rocks!! Lol
Pink Panther
March 04, 09:48There’s a difference between being proud of being a gay man and saying you’re proud of being a married gay man. Please don’t be disingenuous this morning.
Higwe
March 04, 12:58And what exactly is the difference between them ?
The last time I checked -they are both labels .
If you’re proudly wearing yours , why can’t he wear his ? ?
The only disingenuous thing I see here is you trying to make his statement look like he was gasconading , when he’s just proudly wearing his own label . The same way you meticulously wear yours .
**********
Sexuality is not an accomplishment .
It’s just who you’re attracted to .
The only time it becomes some sort of an accomplishment is when you manage to make it work … when you thrive despite how many deterrents life throws at you .
If that pseudonym just like the writer you published his story managed to make his work , then he has every reason in the world to be proudly MGM .?
McDuke
March 05, 14:24It’s a shame some of us still don’t get it. I agree with PP, it’s not an accomplishment unless you’re letting the whole world know that you’re “proudly MGM”, I think you shouldn’t rub it in our faces cos to the average Nigerian, you’re a ” straight man” and you can’t identify with the experiences or struggles of the average gay person especially those who are out. If they decide to be proudly gay, let them be cos it’s well merited. The experience of an MGM especially in our society can never be the same with that of the gay man. While I’m not judging the MGM please never compare the two…comments like this dismisses the whole essence of our struggles…
Deni
March 06, 18:13If his wife is ok with him begin gay and sleeping around and his lovers r ok with him being married,then good for him and fine by me. But personally I wouldn’t want anything with such a person.
Loki
March 04, 07:31Wow, am glad it worked out for u. Couldnt help but laugh wen ur wife gave him dat “so”?. Anyways goodluck.
Ken
March 04, 07:34Finally someone who gets it.
Some members of d community delight in criticizing MGM for their lifestyle without understanding the challenges these guys face on a daily basis. Most especially the young and immature ones. How sad and unfortunate.
The truth is that, no matter the decision u take as a gay/bi man leaving in naija or any other homophobic country (infact any country for that matter), it’s never going to be easy and u will end up either hurting someone or getting hurt. Or both.
Gaia
March 08, 19:07Pseeeeeeeeeeeeew
Kobe
March 04, 07:54When you know next to nothing about the MGM/MBM (as the case may be) and what he goes through in life, keep your high horsed sermons to yourself.
I think it’s OK they know, she probably has been suspicious…
Someday, I’ll tell my own story…. I’m not much of a writer though.
Pink Panther
March 04, 07:56You don’t have to be much of a writer to tell your story. simply write what you can and send it in anyway, and you and I will work together to turn it into something we can all read.
Higwe
March 04, 08:28when that didn’t work, she spent her life hating him for it*
? This is an overstatement ……
Both parties are still alive and thriving.
Currently , we don’t know how things stand between them.
*********************
I know we must all be voltrons in the comments sections of the social media/blogosphere, but if you acquaint yourself with an MGM in real life, perhaps take a beat and have an understanding about his life before you say what you have to say to him about his mistakes…
???? Word …
Delle
March 04, 08:58What sort of cruelty is that? This is beyond preposterous. That guy needs to be sought out and taught a very bitter lesson. The gall of it all!
Honestly, this shouldn’t be allowed to slide.
And I’m truly sorry for all of that, Nuel. No one should be put through such. Very clearly someone who wanted to be in your pants but clearly (because of this innate razzness and blatant stupidity) couldn’t.
The TBness of it all!
Ugh!
Rehoboth
March 05, 08:51Must chip in your TB-bias. It’s not cute and certainly discriminatory.
Gif
March 04, 09:43Reading halfway through it had already dawned on me that this wasn’t Dr David, as no practicing doctor would put his license and career on line for such pettiness and stupidity. Must probably be a low life clerk or cleaner with nothing to loss who happened to lay hands on your info.
Thank God your earlier honesty paid off, if not it would have been 1 hell of mess. IMO you should have let your wife meet him in a secure place just so you can get a face to the scumbag and deal with him at your own discretion.
Francis
March 07, 13:13Last I checked some of us are performing illegal abortions, sexual assaulting patients, heading robbery gangs etc. Abegi we ain’t all that ??
We no be Jesus
trystham
March 04, 10:46I HATE TrueCaller.
I got down with one married dude recently, and every single thought in my head was “Why can’t his wife just see through all this fakery?”
Rehoboth
March 04, 11:02With all your utterances against MGMs, I’m surprised you could get down with one.
trystham
March 04, 14:31The lies naa ni. It comes as a second nature to these ppl until the truth bursts forth when u and they least expect it will.
The guilt no be here, but at least the sex was good.
Ken
March 05, 07:40How about u that is lieing to your parents, family, friends etc. How are u any better. Quit the holier than thou attitude. Las Las we are all entitled to 14years in d eyes of nigerians
trystham
March 05, 08:22Aren’t you reaching? ??? You are sha desperate to have me in the same boat as y’all.
Chile, I may owe them, but I did NOT promise fidelity and truth to my friends and family.
Now you realize that truth. Why then did u marry a woman?
ken
March 05, 12:39I am not desperate my dear. Just trying to help you realise you are not better than anybody else much less MGM. You are still gay, an abomination (according to religion) and a criminal (according to Nigerian laws). Whether u promise or dont promise is irrelevant. When the persecutors arrive u wont be spared on account of u arent married, so how about you get down from your high horse.
Mr robot
March 05, 21:03Get off your high horse,not saying its right nor am i endorsing it but assimilation into heternormativity is survival for a lot of people and to demonise people without examining the root cause is kinda childish,this conversation is a lot more nuanced than you guys make it out to be
Malik
March 04, 15:15Proud of you, Nuel, for being honest and averting a scandal long before it could happen.
Mike
March 05, 13:21My take from all this is. I think MGM is not a thing, Married Gay Men. Married to who?, Which of the sexes, cause you can be gay and married to a man, in that case you qualify as an MGM. At what point do we stop consoling ourselves with labels, you are gay, you are gay. It’s really that simple and this is coming from a bisexual, stop wearing it as a badge of honor, it’s really not, I know someone like that, who goes like ” you will not understand”. Wait I won’t understand because I don’t have a brain or …. I just think MGM should come up with a better description/acronym that resonates who they really are, cause the gay and the married in MGM is very flattering and does not reflect the true situation. How about GMW (gay man married to a woman), CMG (complicated married gay)
or PGM(pretending gay man). anythingg but that MGM, cause it’s really flattering and reads like powdered makeup. Who here doesn’t want to be gay and married to the gender they love, as a gay person. As a gay man if I’m married to another man, do I still qualify as an MGM or just gay. MGM sounds like a fairytale in this sadistic country called Nigeria.
So find our own remove the gay inside or something, it’s really flattering, compared to the reality of things which is your life.
Back to the story. I know quite A few MGM, been with considering my preference. Here is what I have to say, it never ends well hardly. I know a man that was weeping a night to his wedding day, and he’s gay friends were just consoling him. I didn’t attend the wedding to show my support, he already knows I like the marriage thing and he can just appear any day,I find it quite hot. Fast forward two weeks after the wedding, his friends can’t visit him at home, his wife is a warrior and warn his friends off coming around, he keeps looking for one excuse other the other to send his wife traveling. It seems you married a very submissive wife or one with very few options, in that case nice catch. Enjoy your marriage life and still fuck your boys ABI get fuck, life is too short to be a committed father, a responsible one, who worships, respects and regards the mother of his children, life is too short to be the kind of father your children would actually want to be like, if they knew who you really are. Life is really really too short for all that morals so just live and gay it up.✌️
Nuel
March 05, 14:39You protest too much. Acryonm came up without the baggage you’re attaching to it. Just as the story said,reactions vary and who gets to decide if a marriage ends well or not if not the people in the union?
My wife is anything but submissive as you protrayed up there or one with few options as those who know my marriage here can attest to. My children can love whoever they want and luckily have someone with a broader view to look up to. I don’t owe my children a coming out. Hope you maintain same energy for heterosexual men who cheat cos that will mean you don’t have issue with cheating but with gay/bi men cheating.
Note : nowhere in the story was it about me cheating but a psycho who knows I’m bisexual.
ken
March 05, 16:49@Nuel…dont even bother responding to such prejudices
At the end of the day many lgbt are not even better (perhaps even worse) than the so called homophobes
Lanre
April 22, 12:21You are strong and we are all rooting for you. Nobody is entitled to an explanation in your marriage. They can suck a big fat cock for all I care.
Colossus
March 06, 05:55??????? Finally got to read the second part. A lot has already been said, no need to say more.
Kudos on how you handled this and I’m all things, may your honestly always save the day.
BRYAN PETERS
March 06, 13:09See why I said earlier that I’m #TeamFullDisclosure? The idiot clerk had nothing on you because your wife was already in the know. You have a real partner in your wife cos she KNOWS you. It was difficult to tell her but I can assure that your life would not have been this peaceful if you hadn’t told her.
I’m not an MGM, so I may not be able to totally relate but I’d still keep saying it that you owe it to the person you plan on getting married to. I’m not a lawyer, but I’m pretty sure its even grounds for litigation – false pretence. There’s really no way to twist it. It’s unfair to lead anyone on like that. Dont take away her right to make an informed decision. It’s deception. Thats just what it simply is.
Xypher
April 23, 21:16Nuel thanks for sharing this story. A lot won’t understand you but thanks for telling us. I look forward to more stories from you.
Xypher
April 23, 21:17BTW I am new here.