BLEEDING HEART
I saw him even before he saw me. He was an ugly man by every standard – short, scrawny and as black as charcoal. I had no interest in him because before I met him, I was only interested in well-built, light-skinned men. The last person I dated was a model, as sexy as they came. My ex was a dreamer too; he had big dreams of stardom that somehow never came to fruition. He told me in December about how he wanted to compete in the recently concluded Big Brother Naija show. That didn’t happen. He told me he would win the Mr. Ideal Nigeria contest. Again, I wasn’t surprised when I didn’t see him in the top ten. We ended things like we began. No words were spoken. We simply stopped texting and calling.
But Him – I met Him three months ago. He was as ugly as sin, but there was something striking about Him – His self assurance. He walked like He was the tallest person in the room and His diction, while laced with heavy Nigerian accent, was impeccable. We met at a bank. I borrowed His pen, and when I went to return it, I saw Chimamanda Adichie’s Americana placed on His lap. While we waited in the very long queue for cash withdrawal, we chatted and eventually exchanged contacts.
We started dating two weeks later. He told me He had been in relationships before, previously with two women. And when they both failed, He knew the problem was from Him.
He didn’t initiate our first kiss. I did. We were lying lazily in His room – which was always ordered and spotless – watching a Korean drama, Empress Ki. I couldn’t stand the lazy technicalities of the movie or their language, which was loud, brazen and screeching. So I turned to look at Him instead. And suddenly, He didn’t look ugly to me. He looked very beautiful. And then I kissed Him. And He kissed back. His lips tasted like fresh mint; He had a mild case of OCD, so He smelt and tasted like heaven. His lips were delicious and I would have given anything to have Him take me that night. But He broke off the kiss and left the room.
We didn’t have sex for a month. When we got together, we mostly did a lot of reading, deciphering literary works and eating take-outs.
I was falling in love. I didn’t understand it because I had never felt anything like it before. He was the first person I thought of in the morning and the last person I remembered before I drifted off to sleep at night.
Then I woke up one morning with a throbbing headache. I dismissed it as an onset symptom of malaria, given the level of mosquitoes in our vicinity. But then came the cough, and then the joint pains, and soon the rashes. I knew it even before the doctor handed me the HIV positive result. I had only been careless once. I was so excited I made straight A’s in all the courses that were posted that day, that I skipped home to have sex with my then-boyfriend, the dreamer. There were no condoms, but we made an exception just that one time; after all, we had been dating for six months. The doctor told me that I was only reacting to an allergy, not HIV, but because of my insistence on a general test, they had come upon the virus. From his analysis, I contracted HIV over six months ago.
I came home that day devastated. I met with Him and He seemed all excited. He had come over with packs of beers and some fries. He announced to me that He had gotten his long-awaited visa to do his Masters in Newcastle. He would be leaving at the end of the year, and He intended to bring me over when He was settled. I didn’t find His conviction ridiculous, as I knew He came from a wealthy family.
I looked at Him and my heart broke to pieces. Finally, after my turbulent life and whirlwind romances, I had found love – only to be dealt such a cruel blow. I could not believe what I knew I had to do.
He was all over me. He told me it had taken a lot of willpower for Him to resist me all this time, and that that night, He was finally ready to take our relationship to the next level. He took me in His arms and kissed me.
But I broke off the kiss and I laughed in His face. I laughed and laughed, while He watched me, puzzlement etched on His face.
I know how to hurt with words and I didn’t spare Him. I told Him He was ugly and I told him just how repulsive He was to me. I told Him how He was just an experimental phase for me, how I was repulsed every time I kissed him, and how I never wanted to see Him again. My heart broke piece after piece as I ripped into Him and shredded Him. He was so apparently hurt by the things I was saying to Him, but He stayed composed. He was always composed.
When I was finished, He got up and left.
And that was when I broke down. I cried. I cried hard. I cried my eyes out. And when I couldn’t cry any more tears, I took up my phone and texted my ex, laying into him with every ounce of venom in me. He replied almost immediately. He told me he wasn’t HIV positive, that they’d all had medical tests at one stage of the auditions of the Big Brother Naija and he’d turned up negative. He said that if I had it, I must have gotten infected from someone else.
I knew I’d never had sex with any other person but him. So I called my uncle, who is a physician, and I told him about my conundrum. He told me to go for a confirmatory test – that sometimes, errors happened.
I was ecstatic when I saw the HIV negative result in my hands upon my confirmatory test in another clinic. I had to ask the doctor multiple times if indeed this was true. He explained to me that sometimes the antibodies react in similar ways to some infections like HIV, and so situations like this sometimes happen. He advised me not to sue the other doctor that gave me the false positive; that I should instead thank the Lord for the gift of health. I was neither interested in suing the first doctor nor the advice of the latter. I just wanted to call Him. I wanted to say how sorry I was. I wanted to explain everything to Him.
I met His mother when I finally located His family house a week later, after trying His number which consistently indicated that it was switched off. His mother told me He had left for the States to stay with His sister before flying over to Newcastle at the end of the year. She told me He could have traveled four months earlier but He kept telling them that there was a special reason He couldn’t go yet and that there was nothing in life He would trade for that reason.
I couldn’t wait to leave His family house before bursting into tears. I didn’t care for the passersby watching, the curious stares that followed my grief. I was going home and crying like a child.
Today, I summoned the courage to reach out to Him on the social media. I sent Him a DM on His IG account. I explained everything to Him. I told Him the reason I sent Him away was because I loved Him so much and couldn’t risk infecting Him with the ailment I believed I had. I told Him He was the most good looking, good hearted man I’d ever known and I would trade everything in the world to be with Him again.
My message has been read. But He hasn’t replied. I’m waiting on Him, because, like I mentioned earlier, He is always composed.
Written by Higwe
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45 Comments
mizta dee
May 18, 06:45Hmmmm! That’s all I can say oh!!
Black Dynasty
May 18, 06:48I really don’t get why you couldn’t just tell him the result? From the little details, he would likely have supported you to go for a confirmation test.
I keep telling my friends, life is simple…. we tend to complicate it for ourselves. I really hope he gets back to you…. but there’s a likely chance he won’t cos those words you told him would have touched his soul.
Lorde
May 18, 06:53Wow……. this is a “joro” something
Mandy
May 18, 07:02I’ve seen enough of this kind of situation to feel both sad for your situation and mad at you. People in distress who love others will make a decision to push the one they love away, thinking its in his best interest and without disclosing the real situation to him.
Its good to love someone so much, you look out for them.
But denying them the chance to decide for themselves what’s right for them is wrong. I can see that you didn’t get to know just how much he loved you until after you pushed him away, and the secret of HIV is not something you just go blurting out to anyone… But you should’ve had a little faith in him.
I honestly do pray he recognises the sacrifice you made and gets back to you.
Delle
May 18, 07:25Okay I’m just weak. Those words though. They weren’t necessary. They just weren’t and I can imagine how they would hurt.
While waiting on him to reply, use your time go sue that bald-headed vulture of a doctor that gave you the false result! What rubbish. I won’t even let that slide. It cost you your fucking relationship (that and your flippancy).
I’d be praying for you.
Jerry
May 19, 19:02Hahahahahaha how did you know he is bald-headed? Mr koskos LOL
bruno
May 18, 07:35lmao! well you don’t deserve him, that’s for sure.
Jo
May 18, 08:17Isn’t that a little harsh? Maybe a tiny weeny bit?
ambivalentone
May 18, 08:35Very cutting. Care to share why?
Francis
May 18, 08:20All this exiting relationships with lies sha. The truth hurts but it’s better than a lie especially one that comes with a shitload of missile to trigger deep-seated insecurities.
The way I see it it would take a miracle for him to get back with you relationship wise and if for some reason he does “DON’T FUCK IT UP……AGAIN!”
P.S: Them counsel you before and after the HIV test? Why didn’t the doctor give you another chance to run the test elsewhere seeing as he felt it was an allergic reaction and not the HIV per say?
KryxxX
May 18, 08:22After searching for love in a country/community where it is as scarce as the truth about Baba’s health, you now comman find it in a “hopeless” place and now comman lose it due to a mistake on both your part and the hospital’s? ?
Ha!!!!!! Ewooooo !!!! Ike gwụrụ m biko. Ayam tired. I just don’t know what to say.
But you sure deserve a slap for being a jerk HIV positive or not! Ụra chara ọkụ!!!! Hot one!
You met a man who didn’t pressure you for sex(like this is everything! Totally!) , who ticked all the character boxes, who I am very sure would be a terrific cook, he is clean(sure he wouldn’t wear briefs twice **staring at them one week one boxers oga! ?) an obodo oyibo husband material! Chaiiiiiii!!!!! They succeeded! The village ppl succeeded! ?????????
Francis
May 18, 08:24This comment is all forms of wrong! ????????
Pink Panther
May 18, 08:27As in eh. The village witches turned this pot very well.
WhoIsUgo
May 18, 08:43If I had a dollar for every time I read ” Ha!!!!!! Ewooooo !!!! Ike gwụrụ m biko. Ayam tired. I just don’t know what to say.” In the comment section ehn
WhoIsUgo
May 18, 08:45Higwe, I hope you guys get back together. If I was in his shoes I wouldn’t take you back tho. You’re impulsive. You broke that man’s spirit when you could have avoided sex in a less hurtful manner.
Delle
May 18, 08:51After praying they get back together, you went on to give your honest opinion had it been you in the shoes of the guy.
Very wicked Somborri, WhoisUgo??
By the way PP, this theme picture is everything! So beautiful.
Pink Panther
May 18, 08:52Why thanks. I promise to get a beautiful theme picture for your story too when you do get heartbroken. 😀
Francis
May 18, 08:53I wonder what some of you ate last night fa! ?????
Delle
May 18, 10:02PP! I can’t believe you typed to me???.
You smiling Lucifer!
WhoIsUgo
May 18, 10:13??? nahhh he’s too cold. There are words you don’t let leave your head.
Bryce
May 18, 09:25Have faith,he will text you back.
Should he decide to take you back,hope you can live with his conditions.
Mitch
May 18, 09:37I’m not sorry to say that you’re a very silly person, Higwe. Nice, loyal, possibly everything good but still very silly.
Tearing someone’s heart to shreds is an absolute no no! “You love him and don’t want to infect him with a disease” Quite laudable of you. But you went about it the worst way possible. Maybe we can pass the buck onto your hormones or emotions at that point but at the end of the day, you are the one in charge. Not your emotions or hormones; YOU!
From all you said, he’s an enlightened fellow; one that clearly loves you and is both willing and ready to be with you. My anger at you stems from how much disregard you paid to all that in your grief and decided to ‘loyally’break his heart rather than explain to him what was wrong with you. Communication, they say, is key in every relationship. And you, my friend, need to learn to communicate properly.
himbo
May 18, 09:51Some of you do not deserve happiness. From what you just wrote I can deduce the sort of person you are. Shallow, conceited, vain, bitchy and dumb. He is right to stay away from you. Your type ain’t loyal. Pretty sure the reason he started to look less “ugly and scrawny” to you was because he came from money. Most of you take your “divatude” to the extreme becoming caricatures and jokes in the process.
Pink Panther
May 18, 09:53Wow.
Delle
May 18, 09:59In as much as I understand where your venting comes from, I can help but think there’s an underlying issue that is causing you to lash out this way (excerpts from my post yesterday).
I just feel it’s too much what you said and you might feel better if you share your experience with us. What have guys done to you in the past?
FJ
May 18, 10:15Haba, mother theresa, dat was too harsh. Some of you are too quick at reeling out judgments. Am not sure u read the article. He was honest to tell how he felt about him at first and how things gradually metamorphosed into love.
And concerning his outbursts which truly was uncalled for, but before you castigate him, try wait till when u too will be declared hiv positive. Ability to cope with and manage shocks and difficult situations varies. Some may never get over it throughout their lifetime
FJ
May 18, 09:54Ndo. Being human, u are bound to mistakes so not so much of ur fault dear. To me, the news of ur confirmatory test far outweighed whatever damage ur ill though out outbursts could have caused. Just hope for the best, he ‘ll still see reasons to fall back except he never truly loved u.
simba
May 18, 09:55I have no pity for u. U claim u love him, u claim he is calm and collected, yet u have no faith in him. with ur explanations what would u have him think if he is currently positive.
iAmNotAPerv
May 18, 10:03Oh well, It’s safe to say you can join Mitch and say Love is not coming your way. Not in his form, that is. I have never understood this bullshit of hurting someone not to hurt someone. Just fucking say it as it is and we will deal with it not demolishing every inch of our soul.
You, my good man acted every bit like a scummy woman which is the worst kind ever. Let me tell you how it looks like to him, you asked for his past present and future, he gave it to you, you now used it to wrap your menstrual pad and then you gave him back to throw it away along with himself.
You shattered him. You gave him a reason to say Men are Scum and that he would never love again. If he comes back, you best grovel at his feet and give him all the love in the world because you, my friend are shit.
iAmNotAPerv
May 18, 10:38This was rude of me, i apologize for that. I should have worded my thoughts better. You are not shit.
Delle
May 18, 10:43Oh Daughter of mine, you dont swallow your words after spewing them on white canvas.
Let the bitch in you thrive. We would revel in it.?
Pink Panther
May 18, 10:44I think perhaps she wanted to prove a point. By being nasty and then taking it back.
Or maybe I’m just over thinking Ife’s comments. Lol
iAmNotAPerv
May 19, 22:19I was not trying to prove a point and My bitch is back under control. Keep your weave on, Delle.
I vented because something very very similar happened to me and to be honest, even though this happened a long time ago, i still have that fear that whom ever i am with would pull that shit on me again, make me feel like i don’t deserve love and that i am not worth it.
I insulted Higwe and i am sorry for that. I just responded like i was talking to her… saying all the things i thought about her.
I should have worded my thoughts better.
quietSprite
May 18, 10:52I hope that was cathartic for you but it certainly wasn’t useful. I believe the poster knows all this and more and has kicked himself as many times. Don’t add to it or state the painfully obvious.
ambivalentone
May 18, 10:29I think I understand you and your actions. You hurt him to prepare yourself for the eventual rejection that will come with being HIV positive AND tried to protect him as well. Well, seeing as you av ur story here, I believe he’d be one of em silent readers on the blog as well. If he is indeed as collected as you av regaled us with, he’d do well to take you back (or not) or at least be mature enough to reply ur message and keep being friends.
I wouldn’t say the boat has sailed yet, but u do av your work cut out for you. Maybe u shud just try moving on
quietSprite
May 18, 11:20I really hopes it works out for both of you. Life is hard enough without losing someone for such a flimsy reason.
Higwe
May 18, 11:39Thank you so much sir pink panther for posting this, I’m very grateful.
I think you are one of the unsung heroes of Nigeria. What you have done with this place is both brave and commendable and I greatly appreciate and admire you.
As a silent reader of this blog for the past year and half, I have come to respect the insight and opinions and the multiple personalities of the characters here, which makes reading here not only enjoyable, but educative and informative as well.
Some of the comments were hurtful but I think to some extent I deserved it. But before you castigate me, please respect the fact that this is someone I knew to an extent. Someone who wouldn’t urinate in a toilet unless it was sparkling clean, someone who couldn’t sit in a room unless every piece of paper or dirt was well out of sight or safely put in a waste bin.
The first instinct that I had when I was misdiagnosed was the” feeling of dirt ” I felt dirty and I felt undeserving and unlovable. You wouldn’t understand the feeling unless you’ve actually sat on that chair, looking directly at a physician as he proclaimed you HIV positive and then nothing else seems to make sense.
What I did was selfish, but you don’t get to blame me unless you’ve walked in my shoes. The few months we were together was the happiest time of my rather drab life, and trying to break it off with him was my own little way of preserving that memory by not having it trampled on if he rejected me because of my status. Which would make every single thing I believed and lived until that day, a huge fat lie.
For people thinking I stayed because of money, please note I have never been rewarded financially by him, while my parents are not the otedola’s or the Dangote’s ,they have enough to take care of my needs and educational requirements, so money was never the reason I fell in love with him. Besides, that’s his parent’s money anyway, not his.
Once again, I commend everyone living with HIV…… not choosing to be stigmatised and pushed to suicidal thoughts but rather choosing to live their life to the fullest and shine their light of positivity to the world. This very brief but impactful experience has opened my eyes to a lot of things, the need for more awareness ,the need of sensitization and the need to learn to live with HIV ,not as a victim but as a whole human, temporary harbouring a stubborn ailment.
I know what everyone here is curious to know, the stand of our relationship. I want to happily inform you people that we are back together not as a couple yet but we are back to being cool friends. We are taking everything one step at a time but I’m hoping and praying we will be back to what we were soon enough . The events of the last few weeks is something we have chosen to pretend like it never happened. But I’m happy it will live permanently on the internet. Let people learn from my story and learn that sometimes being too spontaneous often does more harm than good.
Thank you everyone for your opinions, both the negative and postive .I am forever grateful.
IBK
May 18, 13:40???????????????
Francis
May 18, 13:45Great news! At least he don accept your apology. Best of luck shifting into relationship lane ?
Bryce
May 18, 15:53I would advise you both don’t pretend it didn’t happen.
In due time,you both talk about it,work it out of your systems.
Don’t let if fester
Kevin
May 18, 12:57Can’t me for me
Dickson' clement
May 18, 14:35If you sue the doctor, you wont win because every test has its sensitivity and specificity.
If he failed to tell you about a confirmatory test, thats where you can base your argument. Then again, he can claim he informed you and that will be your word against his.
Secondly, it feels like what you told him was really the natural way you felt about him. You fell in love with him because of other things. If he wasnt very articulate, if he had no prospect, would you regret all you said?
Wont you say it and move on without looking back. He is ugly and that is true way you perceive him
Adichie
May 18, 14:46So it will work in many ways. He might take you back but he will be so insecure so you will have to help him restore his pride. He might accept your apology and would say you guys remain friends. He would have a different point of view about you which might change his whole mindset of everything. So follow up with him. I see him as a potential husband oh. Bringing you over guy follow his destiny.
Adichie
May 18, 14:47So it will work in many ways. He might take you back but he will be so insecure so you will have to help him restore his pride. He might accept your apology and would say you guys remain friends. He would have a different point of view about you which might change his whole mindset of everything. So follow up with him. I see him as a potential husband oh. Bringing you over guy follow his destiny. And sueing The doctor isn’t relevant but the doctor not advising you and telling you about a confirmatory test is against the ethics of his profession.
OMG!!! It's HYPO
May 19, 09:05I’m glad it turned out this way! Maximize this opportunity pls!