Carl’s Existentialism VII

First of all, y’all should have a listen of the following music, in order as they are written – ‘Feels Like Coming Home’ by Jetta, ‘Fly’ by Meadowlark, ‘Life Of The Party’ by Shawn Mendes, ‘California Dreamin’’ by Sia, ‘Do It Again’ by Pia Mia featuring Chris Brown and Tyga, ‘Fight Song’ by Rachel Platten, ‘Holy Ground’ by Taylor Swift, and ‘Knowing Me, Knowing You’ by ABBA.

Now, at some point in our lives, we have all felt excruciating pain, and we probably thought that we were going to die from it. This was the case when I woke up one morning and the top part of my foot greeted me with a very sharp pain. Like literally, I almost died. I thought about that boy who I never got a chance with, the awesome writer-director I never became, or the a-little-too-crazy best friend/entourage I would never be for my two best friends’ world tour/mega fashion show respectively. I was devastated. Now, this wasn’t a cramp. I’m very familiar with the cramping feeling. Lol. This was worse. So I went into thinking overdrive.

A couple days earlier, I had an injury on the front of my big toe, which is healed now – thank God – and it didn’t look to be healing as nicely as any injury should. I began to think that some bacteria or virus had gotten into my foot, and was infecting the surrounding tissue and my bloodstream. This is the worst kind of feeling for a mild germophobe. Thankfully though, my foot remembered who was boss, and began to act in a respective manner. It turned down the pain a few notches, and serotonin rushed through my every fiber rebirthing me with a new purpose.

Basically, if you’ve gotten to this point, and realized that there is no point to what I’ve been writing, then you’ve gotten the point. In other news, it sure feels good to be writing again.

I have actually been at home for quite some time, and could have entertained you guys at least three times, but I’ve had some losing battles, but I’m optimistic the end of the war will make it all well deserved. Seriously though, I don’t wish depression in any form on anybody. Like, who decided that we all had to have battles? That we have to be imperfect? Or that we have to be faced with tough decisions at every positive turn we make?

Speaking of battles, and I know this might seem redundant now; I am still one of the happiest people in the universe with the SCOTUS’ ruling on gay marriage. I was in my room going through Yahoo news as usual, and I saw the bold announcement and shed sweet tears, even though I knew the fight is far from over, especially for our trans brothers and sisters. I know that even if I don’t get my own happily-ever-after, my LGBT brothers and sisters that are brave enough to be their true selves will have a shot at happiness, and I’m hoping for a three pointer.

Crazy thing? I’ve never been in a relationship. I always feel that sweet yearning, and I actually know that I’ll be the head-over-heels type of guy, but I haven’t had any such luck whatsoever. Too many times, my best friend has said to me, “You need to get out more. I’m sure it’s you who isn’t putting yourself out there.” But each time, when I’m close to agreeing with him, I silently tell myself that when you are in another country, though not a veteran anymore, dependency doesn’t afford the lavish style that gay people want to live (not all gay people though, but I’d want to also take care of my lover, and I haven’t the means to). I do know that one day is for the thief though (I hate that aphorism). Patience is key, but it’s becoming hard to find a lock.

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In the spirit of talking about love, I want to share something really dear with y’all. My favorite book and movie that will never be overridden is Brokeback Mountain by Annie Proulx. The movie is directed by And Lee, and stars both Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal. But OMG, this is like the best gay story you will ever read. Even when I watched the movie, it was the first gay oriented movie I ever watched without looking forward to how they did the sex scenes. For real though, it’s beyond magical, it’s phenomenal. I cry every time I watch the movie or read the book, and I don’t read a book more than once, no matter how awesome it is.

Digressing to awesome authors, I have now discovered my favorite author – David Mitchell. As I type this, I’m trying hard to keep a straight face so that I don’t randomly squeal and yell with love and excitement, and have people think that I’m crazy. I’m halfway done with the first book I’m reading by him – Ghostwritten, and I’ve already concluded that he is the best mind to have ever written a book on this earth, to me anyways.

If he seems familiar to you, it’s because you might have seen a movie adapted from one his famous books by one of my favorite directors. This wonder is Cloud Atlas, adapted into a movie by The Wachowskis. One of my other favorite love stories is the one set this movie – the love story between Rufus Sixsmith and Robert Frobisher might be the simplest, yet most extraordinary thing ever, after Brokeback Mountain of course.

Oh, stories…

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I think above all else, in this time, and age that we live in, Gender Specificity should not be encouraged. It’s the one thing that truly enrages me. It is my belief that children are the most innocent creatures on this planet. They almost do not know what they do, in the sense that it is not a conscious effort. They are merely curious, and desire satisfaction. So, I don’t think it should be such a huge problem in watching them grow. They might start out on a path, and end on another or end on the same path, but the love we feel for them should never waver. I’m writing about this because a couple of days ago, I was talking to my nephew’s mum – who is Haitian – and we were talking about what he could play with and all that, and she said her son would never play with dolls or have pink things etc. Now, I’m not saying you can’t want your son to play with toys that have been designated for boys, but I think it’s too contradicting if you say one thing and then say another. Let me elaborate.

She and I are really cool. She knows I’m gay, we twerk, kiki, and sip wine while throwing blissful shade. So, it’s not like she’s against the team or whatever. She supports wholeheartedly. So, when she told me there was nothing wrong with me being gay around her son, I was like “YES!” Then in the same breath, she said that she would not want to expose her son to two guys or two girls kissing each other, so he wouldn’t go and do that in school and then get beat up or something. I paused. It was a fair point. Then I asked her what she would do in the case of a straight couple, and she paused for a minute before saying that she would caution him not to have a girlfriend early, yada-yada-yada. You see the slight difference? She even clarified that she wouldn’t want him to be exposed too early to stuff like that so he doesn’t get confused. To be honest, I’ve known about my sexuality forever. I don’t think that exposure to heterosexual coupling – which there was no lack of – would have done anything to change me. Lol.

In fact, if anything I’ve seen about young kids being exposed to sexualities is true, it’s that it’s actually better for them to know. To teach them to love, and respect people unconditionally. I’ve seen so many videos of young kids who I think are so wise concluding on the subject like it’s every other regular, every day thing. She wants him to get insight on sexuality when he can ‘understand’ what it is, but I think he’s also at risk of developing hate from other people he comes in contact with. To each his/her own anyway. He is not my child. And don’t even get me started on my older brother, his father; he is an alpha male and macho man. Ain’t none of that female stuff around here! *in my Plies voice* lol

My nephew loves this blanket that has a red, white, and very light pink plaid design, with black neat edges, and his mother really doesn’t like it, especially when my older sister goes like he is going to grow up with it. But all I see when I see the boy with the blanket is a child who simply loves the feel of the coverlet around him. Nothing more. And she expresses her disapproval for him playing with a Barbie doll or having anything designated female, I get baffled because I know quite a handful of people who played with dolls, and grew up very heterosexual. But because we don’t fully understand what babies experience or what knowledge they gain, it’s easy to jump to the conclusion that feminine things could turn them gay or trans.

There is a lot of outcry now against gender specificity, so much so that Target Supermarket has now removed color-coding and male/female tags from the toys aisle in their stores.

The road is quite dusty, but a little rainbow dusts more, and it will get easier.

However it’s crazy though, and actually kind of annoys me that when people identify with you as an ally, they don’t do much more than say it, and may still have a little bit of backwardness thinking. I was watching an episode of ‘I Am Cait’ (I LOOOVE Caitlyn by the way, one of my heroes), and this wonderful trans lady was saying something about if you want to be an ally, don’t just say it and then stand back. Ask me what I need, and if you can provide it, then provide as much as you can to the best of your ability.

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Everyone, it gives me tiny joy but great displeasure to say that this would be the last entry for Carl’s Existentialism. I know that if I try to put anymore out there, it would only serve as the telling of something redundant. Besides, I feel that I have given what I can to serve the purpose, and this Journey is finally over. It was much fun, and it pushed me, and I hope I was able to touch anyone, even if it was once.

But as a reader, I am always around, as I always have withdrawals after every new entry of ‘Love and Sex in the City’ and ‘Rantings of a Random Gay Nigerian’. ‘James Journal’ is my other pleasure. I am so grateful for the opportunity I’ve had to express myself on this platform, and I’m grateful for all who have read and identified with my journey. And to Pinky, e se gan.

Till Forever. . .

Written by Carl