Dear KD: I Told My Partner That I Have HIV And Now Everything Is Wrong Between Us
Hello guys
I am actually feeling guilty about this and I need opinions on what to do.
I am HIV+, although the last two times I have had my viral load tests done, I have been undetectable. In that time, I have had sex. While not always informing my partners of my status, I have been VERY insistent on the usage of condoms.
However, I very recently had to let my partner know my status and it has been traumatic for us both.
We had hooked up. Great foreplay. Great sex. When we were done, I squatted to clean up, only to discover that I was dripping some liquid. When I confronted my partner over the thought that the condom had broken and he had carried on fucking me raw and coming inside me, he assured me that I had creamed from my ass. We argued about this and I let him convince me that he was right.
I got home, consulted with friends and the internet, and still couldn’t find anywhere where there are ducts that can allow a man cream from his ass. I had to reconcile myself to the fact that, contrary to what he’d said, the condom may have broken and he’d have come inside me. In the end, I had to let him know my status and how important it was for him to assess PEP.
I have been getting monosyllabic responses from him since then and I feel terrible. Oh, he is picking my calls and all that, but our conversations are now stilted and forced. My doctor friend tells me I have to be responsible henceforth and inform my partners BEFORE we get down.
Knowing the stigma associated with living with HIV, is this really necessary?
Is it not enough that I insist on using condoms?
Is this where I retire from sexual activity, knowing full well that gay men hardly like hooking up with men they know have HIV?
And can men really cream from the ass?
Submitted by Paradox
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32 Comments
Black Dynasty
January 05, 05:11Hmm ethically and legally you have an obligation to inform your partners before sexual activity and let them agree or disagree to have sex with you.
Thankfully HIV is now manageable and you’re undetectable, but it is still a significantly life altering experience and whilst there is stigma, a lot more people are understanding than ever before.
However, you have no right to take away the freedom of choice from another individual. Frankly, I would be pissed off in your partner’s shoes and this applies to any STI, even fully treatable ones. It’s very selfish from your end, even though I can understand why you kept quiet. In western countries, this could have become a legal issue really quickly.
If you were negative, would you have liked to be informed and allowed to consent before having sex with a HIV+ individual?
Black Dynasty
January 05, 07:17And yes, technically you can excrete mucus from your ass. It’s usually either in response to trauma or sign of an infection.
Colossus
January 05, 06:09You can’t cream from your arse. What’s inside there? Lotion?
trystham
January 05, 06:39iDied ???
Pink Panther
January 05, 07:02???? Have sense this 2019, you said no, eh Colossus?
Francis
January 05, 08:32Behave ????
Lonz
January 05, 07:13When the ass undergoes trauma, it secretes mucus. This is colloquially called creaming. So yes you can cream.
Also after a sexual encounter check the consistency of the used condom. I am assuming you use lube with the condoms?
Mandy
January 05, 07:20It’s all well and good for us HIV negative guys to tell you to always be upfront about your status with your hookups, because we do not know what it feels like to be stigmatized. I think you’re doing the best you can by insisting on protection every time you want to have sex.
But since you have seen that situations like this can happen, where the condom breaks and your partner, because he doesn’t know you’re positive, will just keep on fucking, how about you try something. For the first, say, 5 guys you’re about to hook up with, tell them you’re positive. Use them and their reactions as a sample testing on what your sex life would be like if you start telling your status before sex.
Also, I don’t know if you hook up through Grindr. If you do — or even if you don’t — open a profile and specify your HIV status on the account. Make sure anyone who says hi knows you’re positive before commencing on a conversation. Use the responses you get there as another sampling of your sex life should you start telling before sex.
I’m just suggesting ways to help you make a decision about how forthright you can choose to be about your status.
Francis
January 05, 08:34?????
Alamu
January 05, 09:37I don’t support telling potential hook ups your status, we all know these things can go bad especially when the person he tells does not keep that information to himself, many still see HIV as a death sentence, I had to enlighten some folks on Twitter sometime ago.
Many would NEVER have sex with someone they find out has HIV.
If you are positive, take your ARVs as at when due( you can set an alarm as a reminder), you owe that to yourself and potential hook ups, being undectectable gives you peace of mind.
It is everyone’s responsibility to educate themselves on the right way to use a condom to reduce or totally eliminate the possibility of breakage and ALWAYS use a GOOD condom, don’t go for some cheap stuff as the consequences might be expensive and yes, use the RIGHT LUBE(some actual lubricants do not “mix” well with certain types of condoms), I think at this point we should be past them creams and oils phase.
Anyone who continues fucking after knowing fully well the condom has broken, is responsible for whatever happens after.
As much as we don’t like to hear this, having “indiscriminate” sex doesn’t always end well, yes, some go through it unscathed.
I don’t mean to rain on anyone’s parade, it is your life and your choices, you have the liberty to do whatever you want.
Consider other options, life isn’t all about sex.
There is no clear cut answer to this really.
BE SAFE.
Tj
January 05, 07:29In my own opinion, i would just advice you move on. You don’t have to tell everyone you are HIV positive before you have sex with them as long as you insist on usage if condoms. And yes, you have done well by telling him after realizing that the condom might have broken. I hope he listens and do the needful. Because if tables were to be turned, that he’s the positive one, He probably might not say anything. But thank God you are Undetectable.
CHUCK
January 05, 07:33You deserve to be cut off. How can you have HIV and not disclose? I’m sure when asked you say you are negative. Condoms aren’t 100% effective, but thats not even the issue. You are a selfish person and you don’t respect others.
Come on!
Francis
January 05, 08:43When all is said and done, you did the right thing by informing him the very minute you understood the “risk” at hand. Most people would rather keep quiet and assume their undetectable viral load and what not has their partner covered.
You can try what Mandy said. It makes plenty sense to me.
I don’t think we have laws against not disclosing your HIV status in nigeria. What we have instead are laws against individuals willfully infecting people with tbe virus. I say you keep your status to yourself and keep protecting your random hookups BUT if you find someone who looks like boo potential, I say you save the sex for when you’re ready to disclose your status to him.
I don’t know where you get your HIV medication from but if it’s from one of those LGBT clinics, you can also fish there for sexual partners and save yourself the stress of hooking up with “negative” people. Straight positive patients do it in my clinic and even get married from there sef.
You’ll be fine by God’s grace ? ? ?
Ace
January 05, 11:12People often forget the informed aspect of consent; informed consent is necessary not just for their own safety but yours especially when biology is involved(medical professionals can understand it better).
You said it yourself that you are aware of the stigma that goes with an HIV positive status, you should also know that this stigma is a result of a nasty combination of ignorance and fear. Look to history and you will see that violence is never really far off. As long as you’re protecting your partners from infection by insisting on condom use, you should consider protecting yourself too from the agony that will inevitably result when you are involved with the wrong person under less than fortunate circumstances.
Rejection is painful and you have a right to take risks to protect yourself but your partners also have the right to choose whether they can accommodate that risk or not. And don’t be so sure of absolute rejection, you’d be surprised how many people are in a similar situation out there (statistics are available, side effect of the Nigerian population) and if you can find fellow gay men in this country, I’m sure you can at least try to find unbiased or “status-similar” ones.
At the end of the day, the choice is up to you, but please try to remember there is more than one person at risk in these situations. Be safe?.
E
January 05, 11:34Nobody goes around informing all their partners if they have herpes, or gonorrhea or HPV or Hepatitis, and all these diseases are as infectious, incurable and life-altering as HIV. Gay men like to carry straight people’s ignorant prejudices and assumptions on their heads, even though we claim wokeness. If you’re undetectable, you can’t pass on HIV at all. There is no undetectable for any of those other diseases, but no gay man feels an enormous obligation to share that information on their Grindr profile. Human beings are very hypocritical, so don’t bother asking others what is right or wrong for you. Do what you can to ensure potential protection of others (insisting on condoms is a good idea) but make sure, above all, that you protect yourself. Whether by restricting your sexual partners to avoid getting something yourself, or the information you give out about yourself.
Bottom line, as long as you’re on your meds and getting tested frequently, ain’t nobody’s business but yours.
Okay, done ranting for today
Higwe
January 05, 13:26I disagree with you sir.
Science does not make impossibilities, there is no absolute zero in science.
Whilst an undetectable viral load carries very low risk; saying you can’t pass on HIV at all, is a huge lie.
I’m sure if you research , there will be instances where someone with an undetectable load actually passed on the virus.
I don’t know much about this but I do know that the people that insisted on full disclosure have their reasons .
I personally will feel betrayed if my partner has HIV whether undetectable or not and didn’t inform me about it.
Your health can only be your business if it doesn’t put others at risk : psychologically ,mentally or physically.
And yes, every STD should be disclosed.
Wasn’t usher sued sometime ago for not telling his sexual partners that he had herpes?
And Gonorrhea is caused by bacteria, so technically it’s curable.
Most sexually active people have HPV and many aren’t even going to be aware of it till their death (because it carries barely any symptoms) so that rules that one out too.
My point – inform your partner if you have a disease that they could potentially get.
Wokeness doesn’t mean you go around hiding your status from people you’re having sex with, that is technically antiwokeness .
And lastly…we humans are hypocrites ,I agree with you and I’ve found myself giving advices I don’t necessarily keep myself .
But this is also about the safety and well being of this writer.
Disclosure saves life – and it’s a two way street.
Higwe
January 05, 12:45This is not even a topic of debate… You owe it to your partner to inform them about your status.
In a civilized country, you will go to prison for this.
Viral loads might be ‘undetectable ‘ but they still carry significant risks ; same can be said for condoms, which are not hundred percent reliable either.
HIV is a life changing experience – and it’s not all about the physicality of it but your sex life too.
You need to make adjustments and realise that things cannot be as they once were.
Thinking about how this affects only your sex life and not the individual you’re potentially putting at risk is very selfish.
Black Dynasty
January 05, 13:19Amen to this, though an undetectable viral load just means current testing methods cannot detect and if I rem correctly, it’s almost impossible to infect someone from some study i read where some tens of thousands folks with UVL had sex and there was no single case of transmission. However, UVL is heavily dependent on medication continuously being taken to maintain those low levels.
I find the comments supporting non-disclosure quite interesting because from my understanding, majority (not all) of folks with HIV contracted the virus by consensual sex with folks who did not disclose their status.
Heck disclosure applies to any STI, non-disclosure is selfish and taking the right away from the other party to choose. I imagine if one gets infected with an STI, they would have liked the option to be told prior to having sex. I would not turn down a guy with UVL, however i would like to be informed prior and not have my right to choose taken from me.
Mitch
January 05, 13:08As a +ve man, I’ve come to understand that the terrain of sex and hook-ups is filled with too many fucking landmines.
I’ve learned that most people don’t want to hear that the person they’re about to fuck is HIV positive. Ever since I learned I was positive, my sex life has practically ground to a halt. I’ve had sex just twice since then.
One thing that helped me was learning how to control my body. Whenever I feel horny or the spirit of konji catches me, I either read or write. It helps take my off things and keeps me in check. I’d suggest you find a way to hold yourself back and live without sex. Or, barring that, just stay honest. That way you’d avoid any unnecessary trouble.
Higwe
January 05, 13:35I disagree though !
Though Nigerians are mile off from exposure and being adequately informed .There are many hot POS guys you can have a good sex relationship with.
There are many negative guys too that wouldn’t mind having sex with a positive person as long as they are undetectable.
I personally can have sex with someone who has an undetectable viral load, if I love them enough or find them attractive enough.
But I can only feel betrayed if you didn’t inform me about your status. If you don’t trust me enough to understand.
Don’t box yourself up sweetie : there is someone there for you. You only need to look hard enough. HIV is not a prison sentence or some kind of seclusion, just a disease that requires a little bit of adjustments.
bamidele
January 05, 15:04Well, you have done well by informing your partner about the hiv+. But the problem with publicising you status in, say nigeria, is another stigma, even some people would never come near you. I remember in those days in Lagos, when a neighbour became hiv+, may people wouldn’t shake hands with him. I felt such sympathy for him, that sometimes I did go discuss with him etc, and some people were even warning me.
My point is that hiv is no longer a monster as it used seem. In fact, in the western world, I’ve heard stories of couples whereby one is negative and the other positive (undetected), and yet the mate regularly, some extreme couples don’t even use condoms. There are also cases of hiv+ mothers giving birth to hiv- babies, carrying them in their womb for nine months. I am not trying to encourage anything whatsoever; I’m only stating that with proper care, and effective doctors, hiv is not as it seems. The only thing I can suggest is you should follow your mind, play safe, tell, only people you’ve observed, have matured mind. You should have it in mind that the depression that everybody despises you because of your status can be deadlier to your health than the hiv+ itself.
And yes, I believe the ass can be a bit moist, hence otherwise, it would have been difficult to go to toilet. However, the cream is not really as much as as that of vagina, I believe. And also it depends on different bodies, mood, etc. But it is highly advisable to always moisturize ad stimulate the ass with lube, no matter what.
Sterling
January 05, 15:33I think there is cure for this in our country Nigeria
Jinchuriki
January 05, 17:16puede por favor repetir eso?
bamidele
January 05, 17:46Yes, sterling,
I thik there is cure for it, but the informatio about thhis has been very cmplicated and unclear how. But I believe there are systems and herbs that are powerfu enough to destroy any viruses. It is just that we have inconsistent in exploring, ivestigating, and experimenting these antidotes/remedies.
Pink Panther
January 05, 18:38You people should stop with all these falsehoods. If there’s a cure for HIV, trust me, it won’t be this sort of confusing news coming only from Nigeria. It’d be well publicized news that the international community would be well aware of. Stop peddling these prevarications. All they ever result in is the death of gullible people who believe them.
Francis
January 05, 18:08There’s no cure for HIV at the moment. I repeat THERE’S NO CURE FOR HIV AT THE MOMENT
We need to quit peddling this falsehood as many people are dying as a result of this. Pastors selling miracles and entrepreneurs selling miracle herbs.
Jinchuriki
January 05, 17:19Dear Paradox,
It Is biologically possible for you can cream from the arsehole.
It’s in your best interest to always tell sexual partners of your HIV status before you have sex with them.
Then again, you don’t need to have sex.
Living in Nigeria, being gay and then HIV positive must be tough for you. I bet it’s tough for other people too, but look at Mitch, he’s risen above it and I bet you can too.
You don’t need to tell people about Your status, a lot can go wrong if he or she doesn’t shut up about it, but you owe it to whom you may want to have sex with to be upfront about Your status, let them know the risks involved (although undetectable= not translatable), nobody wants to be betrayed like that.
Live a Happy life. ❤
Brazyne
January 05, 19:23Hmmmmm
I feel u did well by telling him top go for PEP.If he decides to still go out with you, fine and if not fine too.
Half of d people telling you to publicize your status won’t do that if they were in similar shoes. I feel u should see that the coast is clear before u divulge your status to anyone. News spreads fast and a lot of people are not nice.
eze
January 14, 11:02Honey…being gay is hard talk more of being positive..i understood why you didn’t tell him and you did right by always insisting that he use a condom..dont feel bad about the incident love..you are perfect..you got a second chance to life..their are many out there that don’t know they are positive until one day they drop dead after ignorantly transmitting the virus to others..youre not to be blame darling, we all have all had raw sex once or twice in our life.
So live happy and try give your partner space to digest the news..by being undetectable you can’t transmit the virus since the virus is mainly transmitted by blood and the virus is no longer in your blood, youre safe and your partner is safe!
Live happy
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March 19, 07:12[…] penning my Dear KD entry and viewing all the comments, I decided I was going to live a life of guilt, constantly […]
Leo
June 23, 23:34Hey PP… Please can you link me up with Mitch.. Wanna confirm something from him, it’s urgent.
Pink Panther
June 23, 23:41Send me a mail to pantherptb@yahoo.com.