HEALTH CENTRE: Sex and Dating While HIV Positive
Having worked with HIV positive clients for like 6 years now, one of their major worries, aside from the issue of people finding out they are positive and stigmatizing them, is the issue of being in a meaningful relationship. I have one that’s always on my case about how she’s tired of taking medication as she doesn’t see the point, seeing as she’s unable to get a husband and start building a family. She even got too attached to the extent she was practically proposing to me, as par I just dey sprout white bear-bear without any bae in sight.
In my personal opinion, being in a relationship is not a do or die affair. From time to time, I do get somewhat depressed about being old, single and all that, but the minute I think about all the other blessings in my life, that depression shifts one time. People are suffering – as in suffering – in this world, and for most of them, relationships are the least of their worries. Person wey dey live under bridge or wey never chop since one week dey worry about sex, husband or pikin?
As long as you’re not contemplating suicide as an exit strategy, you need to make an effort to take your meds and stay healthy. Moving from HIV infection to AIDS is not a joking matter. I have treated sick patients that in the course of managing them; I found myself silently praying to God to just take them because their suffering was too much.
Summary: If you think your life sucks ass, always remind yourself that there are others who are worse off, and hopefully that will help you adjust and get on track with your hustle.
HIV Positive or HIV Negative, we are all entitled to sex, love and everything life has to offer. Unfortunately the HIV factor changes the approach to these things.
CASUAL HOOKUPS
The ideal thing is to reveal your HIV status (if positive) to your partners before anything remotely sexual goes down. But as some of us know, that ain’t reasonable at all. Body count and health issues don’t mix with hookups. You’re just there to get your rocks off and go home, never to see the person again…hopefully.
The koko here, as an HIV positive individual, is to ensure that you protect whosoever you’re hooking up with by insisting on condom use and avoiding any sexual act that might put the person at risk. (See PROTECTING YOURSELF FROM GETTING INFECTED WITH HIV).
Pitfalls of Hookups: If perchance this hookup partner of yours discovers your HIV status, shit could hit the ceiling. You could be sued for endangerment and intention to transmit, especially if it can be proven that you were fully aware of your status before the sex went down.
As a gay man living in a country with fierce anti-gay laws, it’s only a nut job that will drag such a matter to court. Instead this person could choose to spread the word far and wide, costing you a lot from job opportunities, to housing as well as future meaningful relationships.
If you’re lucky and the person is well educated in HIV matters, he’d most definitely appreciate the fact that you took precautions to keep him safe.
RELATIONSHIPS
If you intend on pursuing a relationship with someone whose status you aren’t sure of, please, please, please, under no circumstance whatsoever should you have anything sexual with them. Even ordinary kissing and grabbing is out of it. Not until you have revealed your status to this person. Failure to abide by this rule could later be interpreted as a gross breach of trust.
It sounds extreme, I know, but do remember that you have peeps that would rather not breathe the same air with gay people; that is how intense their homophobia is. And such applies to HIV too. HIV Phobia is real. You wouldn’t believe it when I tell you some doctors are very open about their dislike for HIV positive clients. *sighs*
If agro dey worry you, goan wank to relieve tension.
During the course of getting to know one another, you need to work towards getting to know his stance on HIV related matters. Test the person with various scenarios before you make up your mind to reveal or not to reveal your status.
The end game here is to assess if the person is someone worth revealing your status to, even if he’d rather not have anything sexual to do with someone who is HIV positive. You need to be sure that even if he decides to walk away, he won’t go running his mouth to everyone who cares to listen.
Now this is probably me being paranoid, but even if he passes the test, you also need to ascertain that he’s not one of those people that hurl personal stuff in public to win silly fights like we’ve seen some people do here in the comments section.
In conclusion, full disclosure of your status is a MUST before bringing sex into a budding relationship and this disclosure MUST happen only when you’re certain you can trust that individual with your diagnosis.
A Few Safe Sex Pointers (Just because)
- Condoms if well used during sex help to immensely reduce the risk of HIV transmission.
- Light kisses and tongue action where there are no sores pose no threat to either party
- Blow jobs are safe if open sores are not involved
- Rimming is safe if you’re aren’t aggressive in your approach to it and as usual if there are no sores.
PS: A nurse will be chipping into this series soonest. So hopefully with everyone’s contribution, we’ll shift the focus a bit from HIV concerns to other health issues affecting gay people.
Written by Francis
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59 Comments
Dubem
May 17, 06:15The question of trust is a very tricky. People are fine actors. There are some you’d vet up and down with questions who’d turn out ok. And then you tell them. And the moment they’re out there, they’re gossiping your status to the entire world.
Francis
May 17, 06:31From what I’ve seen so far sha, only à few can keep up the act for so long. Cracks begin to show here and there and if you’re still paying close attention you’ll notice them. Hopefully the cracks show before you get comfortable
Mandy
May 17, 06:19‘If you think your life sucks ass, always remind yourself that there are others who are worse off, and hopefully that will help you adjust and get on track with your hustle.’
That is a valid thing to say in an attempt to reset one’s misery over his life. But recently, when people tell me such inane things, especially when I’m battling a huge problem or sinking into some deep shit, I get resentful instead of consoled. Like WTF is my own with these other imagined people and their presumed problems? Wetin consine me? This is about me. I don’t need their shit to get over mine.
Francis
May 17, 06:35???? That’s normal na till you come to term with the wahala on ground.
Francis
May 17, 06:45This part somehow got loss in the editing process
P.S: Thanks to Bisi, DM and Anonymous doc for chipping in. Samba, Dickson and co my God is watching all of you as I’m drowning here. Make una do contribute something biko.
Mike Daemon
May 17, 08:07I have someone right now, and the person is HIV positive, i am still very unsure as to how to handle the entire thing, i preach it so it’s now time to prove it.
Pink Panther
May 17, 08:09Someone you’re dating?
Keredim
May 17, 09:07Gosh, PP he can’t answer that here now?!!?
Francis
May 17, 10:14*sighs* I really don’t know what to say man.
If I were in your shoes, it all comes down to “Is he worth taking PREP for?”
Sinnex
May 17, 08:26Nice one
Francis
May 17, 11:31Thanks
Keredim
May 17, 09:06“If you intend on pursuing a relationship with someone whose status you aren’t sure of, please, please, please, under no circumstance whatsoever should you have anything sexual with them. Even ordinary kissing and grabbing is out of it. Not until you have revealed your status to this person. Failure to abide by this rule could later be interpreted as a gross breach of trust.”
This part confused the shit out of me, @Francis.
1) Whose status? The HIV poz person or his intended?
2) if the latter is Poz, is it ok to do anything remotely sexual?
3) This is 2016, not 1916. Most times before getting into a relationship with someone, the “casual sex” phase would have passed between both parties. From that point of view, saying don’t have anything remotely sexual with someone you intend to have a relationship with is kinda moot,
Francis
May 17, 10:111) The intended.
2) Sure why not. At least he can’t wake up one day, discover that he’s HIV positive and so are you and then start singing to the world, that you gave him HIV. We’ve seen that scenario play out a lot in the clinic to the extent we started discouraging serodiscordant (HIV +ve + HIV -ve) coupling unless intense counseling sessions are thrown in the mix.
3) In my head there are two kinds of casual sex. I was referring to the type, where you swipe through Grindr, invite him over to ya place, no chit-chat, straight to business and once the deed is done, coman go to ya house.
I don’t see how such can evolve into a relationship if you didn’t even spend an hour or two to get to know the person before jumping into bed together….then again what do I know as a novice in casual sex matters.
Keredim
May 17, 10:35Thanks for clearing up points 1 & 2
Point 3. People are busy. We live in an age where the primary meeting place for people (and not just gay people) is the internet and phone apps. And that, despite the risk of kito includes Nigeria.
So yes, the type of casual sex in your head you have described is becoming the norm. People hook up, if the sex is good, potentially, it tends to lead to something more… Albeit most times short lived, but definitely long enough for HIV status to be discussed.
Francis
May 17, 11:03Times have really changed sha. ??
ambivalentone
May 17, 11:44Agreed o Keredim. Siddon dia Francis (I so wanna call u Francesca) that is how u will die a naive, paranoid virgin…I guess that’s safe
Francis
May 17, 11:46?? The older I get, the more I’m coming to terms with that. You can’t stay winning for life. LOL
Delle
May 17, 11:28“Rimming is safe if you’re aren’t aggressive in your approach
to it and as usual if there are no sores.”
Pls o, is there such a thing as aggressive Rimming? Rotflmao!
Francis
May 17, 11:30You never watch porn where the person literally wants to devour the ass. Lik he’s high on that shit ???
Mike Daemon
May 17, 11:40On an actual SHIT?!!! Lol.
Francis
May 17, 11:43Ewww. I don’t mean that oh. lol
Delle
May 17, 11:47@Mike…lol. That’s eeewwwy!
Delle
May 17, 11:43Hian! Lol. Pls how is that supposed to be sexy? Hehe.
Francis
May 17, 11:44I don’t know oh but it looks HOT with the right actors. ☺️☺️
Delle
May 17, 11:48U need Jesus, my friend!
Keredim
May 17, 11:49@Delle
Short answer “Yes”
Long answer ” When you have a round firm and clean set of cakes in front of you, it would be impolite during foreplay, not to tease around the a-hole by spelling his name with your tongue and “nibble” away with your teeth ever so lightly at first then go heavy just enough not to draw blood.
Continue, till he says your name a few times and asks you to stop and begs you to insert the real thing”
????
Delle
May 17, 13:28Aaaahhh Keredim! Why am I wet all of a sudden?!
Keredim
May 17, 13:33I dunno? Did you stand in the rain????
Mike Daemon
May 17, 22:41Terrible!!!
Canis VY Majoris
May 17, 11:55What can you do when you’ve kissed alot of ‘negative’ frogs and none became Prince Charming, and then along came a ‘positive’ frog who becomes everything you’ve hoped for, well almost everything.
Francis
May 17, 11:58If he’s serious about his health, I’m so diving in. lol
chuck
May 17, 13:31Please, even if it is a one tkme grindr hookup, insist on seeing test results.
For example, There’s a raw sex group around UNILAG who engage in unsafe sex. They consistently insist on raw only.
Thank God I got my own store HIV kit. Its not 100%, but once you bring it out and ppl don’t want to test you know you can’t fuck them.
Francis
May 17, 13:33Dude seriously?!
Keredim
May 17, 13:38Wow!!!
Do you bring out the kit, for one night stands or for potential relationship candidates?
chuck
May 17, 13:48For all sex.
keredim
May 17, 13:56And the take up rate?
I don’t think I would be having a lot of sex, if I had to subject my shags to clinical tests..
chuck
May 17, 14:02I don’t mind ppl saying no. Better safe than sorry
keredim
May 17, 14:11Yes I agree, “better safe than sorry”
But then carrying a testing kit around is a bit extreme, even by @Francis’ paranoia standards.
I trust you use condoms. Have you tried “double sheathing”. That’s got to be more “romantic” than an HIV test kit pre-coitus?
Francis
May 17, 14:53Nna eh! I suddenly look sane as fuck. ????
Francis
May 17, 14:55@Chuck if this your testing kit doesn’t do viral load or p24 antigen as well, you do realise you’re wasting ya time and money right? #WindowPeriod.
King Mufasa
May 17, 15:53Why God Why,
I couldn’t even find someone to kiss me in my 5 years in that school.. and you people were barebacking right under my nose.
You-Know-Who
May 17, 16:02It was like that for me also through out my 5 years in Babcock but then after graduation i became a Hook up machine cum (Sex) monster, Literally.
Delle
May 17, 19:25ROTFLMAO! You carry a HIV kit around? You actually test your potential shag before you both do the ‘do?’ Firstly, that ought to close down condom manufacturing industries. Secondly, what a konji killer! Doing a test before we go to bed…pffts!
Stranger
May 17, 20:51Now you’ve started having sex with students?
Mandy
May 18, 02:02Lmao. This Stranger truly is a bisch!
bruno
May 18, 06:42lol. this is ridiculous. if you don’t trust people and can’t have safe sex, then don’t sleep with them. sex isn’t food afterall. encouraging people to take an HIV test is a great thing but conducting a test as a requirement to sleeping with you is just dickish. besides, there is such a thing as safe sex which shouldn’t be negotiable.
and like francis pointed out, if you’ve been skin diving then you are at a huge risk even with the tests.
Max 10
May 17, 16:53@Chuck, you carry around a kit seriously? ??
You make Francis’ paranoia look like a joke.
Simba
May 17, 18:38Dr Francis, ur a darling.. Kudos.. And PrEP is available now, free… To answer a certain question asked here, HIV status shouldn’t be a factor in determining a potential relationship.. The factor should rather be, is he on drugs and what’s his viral load.. As per Simba LOVE CONQURETH ALL THINGS..
Francis
May 17, 21:07Thanks. How many pipul dey sign up for this prep for una end?
chuck
May 17, 20:14I don’t have bareback sex
Stranger
May 17, 21:00Francis; how have you been able to avoid getting the virus in over 6 years? Are you just extremely careful or do also use prEp?
Also, this seemed like a finale? Is this your last piece before the nurse takes over?
Francis
May 17, 21:06I don’t understand this your question.
This is not a finale oh. I will still be dropping stuff when I can .
Stranger
May 17, 21:42Like what precautionary measures do you take to avoid contacting the virus through needle piercing accidents and stuff?
Francis
May 17, 21:45Oh that! We have dedicated staff for that. I don’t do any blood work unless na patient wey I dey very close to.
INDIGENE.
May 17, 22:36Francis?
Francis
May 18, 00:07Oui?
Dickson Clement
May 18, 07:48Thank You so much @ Francis! Keep up the good work. These days I just read a few things and get back to my reading! This USMLE thing is really energy sapping and I am currently seeking P.P(private practice)!
@Chuck! It’s good to know that during the window period, the infectivity rate of HIV is very because the virus is actively multiplying. So ur gang sex tests may read negative but the person will reek of the virus!
@ Francis! Anonymous? I have a facebook page with Dickson clement! If u inbox me on that page, I will redirect u to my email or official fb page! If anyone has questions on health issues, I am more than willing to help!
Francis
May 18, 08:42@Dickson
There are too many dickson clement on facebook. Which one you be?
Dickson Clement
May 18, 20:51Ya! My page has a headshot of a white boy(white background)…