IBK’s JOURNAL (Entry 9)
September 22
I’m starting to rethink my decision and hope that if all else fails, I’d look for a lesbian willing to marry me.
In the end, it’s still a life of secrecy and hiding. Sure, it won’t be as bad as when I marry an unsuspecting woman, because we are both in the know, but it’d still involve me having to sneak around.
Marriage in Nigeria is not a pot of beans where you and you partner can live in private. Nigerians are very, very nosey people, from picking up your phone just to go through texts to unashamedly prying into your personal business with questions.
Speaking of people going through texts – one day, I was in a friend’s room and some neighbour of his who I’ve exchanged only the occasional hello with asked to see my tab. I let him have it, confident that he would just swipe through my apps and maybe look at a few pictures. But this nigga went straight for my whatsapp and BBM. Thankfully, I had nothing on those apps, hadn’t even set them up. But mehn, I was surprised. I don’t even know the guy!
I suspect he is suspicious of me. So he was just looking for proof or something. Anyway, no more hellos from me to him!
*
I was talking to a dear female friend of mine who I told I was gay mere weeks after I met her. I told her how my folks at home were always asking about her – even by my siblings who know I’m gay.
I don’t mind the big pink Elephant that is my sexuality in the room being ignored. I however get miffed when they hold the closet door for me to enter back inside, and sometimes even attempt to stuff me back in themselves.
Sometimes, I want to scream to my brothers: “Y’all should deal with it! I’m gay! Stop asking me about girls! And stop trying to pair me up or making excuses that don’t exist about my lack of interest in females!”
Maybe one day, I will sit them down and tell them to say it slowly: “IBK likes to suck cock…”
Lol, okay, maybe just: “IBK is gay.”
My younger brother has taken the “Who am I to judge” stance, even though I can feel the judgement judging me.
My elder sibling has concocted all forms of theories as to why I’m the way I am. The most recent was that, because our mother discouraged us from having relationships when we were younger, I somehow went astray. Perhaps if I’d been allowed to feel affection for a female, I would have turned out differently. In essence he blames our mother.
It’s stupid, to be honest. Has the ban on getting a girlfriend at thirteen ever stopped a boy who really wanted one from getting one? While they were lusting after the neighbor’s hot daughters, I was daydreaming about Prince Charming and masturbating to images of a couple of my classmates. That in essence is why it was easy to not go after females. Sure, I had – still have – the occasional crush on a pretty girl with long hair and good brains, but it’s nowhere like how I feel about guys.
I decided against telling him this. He would probably explode. He’s very insistent on how it’s wrong and uses the bible to back himself up, even though he has a number of vices I don’t have. Time and time again, I have forced him to admit that the society considers some sins more acceptable than others and I dangle that bit of hypocrisy in his face and walk away.
Honestly, if he could just get by that bit of his prejudice, it’d be nice. I have no idea why he hates us so, so, so much. I understand being disgusted, puzzled, scared for my salvation, etc, like my younger brother is. I don’t understand his hate. It’s irrational. And it’s curious. Is he scared of something? I believe he is scared of something. Maybe when next I go home, I will investigate.
In the mean time, whenever they try to place me back into the closet I have escaped from, I will remind them subtly (e.g. “David Beckham has a nice ass”) that I am a flaming Homo.
Anyway, back to the female friend; I jokingly mentioned her pretending to be my girlfriend for a month, followed by me cooking up a story of immense heartbreak for my mother, and then maybe, just maybe, I would be left alone for years. She responded that it didn’t sound like a bad idea, and I almost considered it. When it comes to my mum, I tend to be at my weakest because I have to think of causing her pain.
But later that night, I remembered my half-hearted attempts to reenter that dank closet and how she would be sunny and all, thinking I was back to normal, only to find out from my carelessness that I wasn’t in the clear. It always seemed like the heartbreak from the first time.
So maybe it is best she has it at the back of her mind that her son is gay, and with each passing day, he accepts himself and sees himself as normal.
*
There are these two girls in my class I used to hang out with a lot. They are suspicious of my sexuality but they just peg down my pro-LGBT views as part of my quirkiness. I contemplated coming out to them. So I did a small test.
I mentioned how I thought the draconian gay law was shit. Then from the one I least expected it from came the words: “I believe it’s actually very good it exists.”
I asked why, ready to come back at her response with the argument on human rights and so on and so.
She said, “Because they will start waving it in our faces and people will start thinking it’s a normal thing. I mean, look at me. I actually think there’s nothing wrong with being gay and that’s bad.”
I did not see that coming. Lol. Especially that last part. You think you have heard it all, all the arguments homophobes have, and still, they proceed to amaze you. Here she was, berating herself for being a forward thinker, for believing that a person can live his life as he wants. I was too dumbfounded and didn’t speak for the rest of our walk home.
I have also unconsciously distanced myself from them.
It’s interesting how homophobes use children as a reason to hate/be prejudicial against gay guys. They don’t want their children to become like us, but it’s stupid because the kids that are going to be gay will be gay.
Anyway, I decided that with the short time I have left in school, maybe I shouldn’t come out to any more people. I have stuff to lose. But then, I realised that I would always have something to lose as long as my sexuality is involved. But sometimes, you need to lose something to realise you never needed it (I came up with that last sentence all on my own and I feel pleased with myself.)
Anyway, slow and steady. Slow and steady.
*
I was recently at an MGM’s wedding and I must say, I was disappointed that the food didn’t turn to ash in my mouth. On the contrary, it was delicious. Maybe sometimes, you can be filled with so much bile, it flows into your saliva, so that everything MGM-related gets into your mouth and turns to/tastes like ash. Oh well.
The groom had a nice ass though, and I wondered whose idea it was to use “pink” and white as the wedding ceremony’s colour theme. It was cute. There were a couple of hot groomsmen, and me and my friends made jokes and laughed. I wish there had been alcohol.
After the wedding I proceeded to go swimming where I busted my lip on the swimming pool floor. I do not look pretty right now and I guess no kisses when bae comes around. Oh well…
Have a blessed Sunday, guys.
Written by IBK
About author
You might also like
JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 31)
March 7 I just found out two people on my contact list are gay, and they are brothers! I know it happens, but still – Damn! I got a warm
IBK’s JOURNAL (Entry 13)
November 19 This is going to be an entry that might be more boring than usual, but it’s an interesting topic to me. Racism. I watched ‘Dear White People’ awhile
IBK’s JOURNAL (Entry 19)
February 19 Usually when people begin a sentence with “I’m not homophobic but.. ” or end it with “…it doesn’t mean I’m homophobic”, some homophobic/prejudiced shit is about to or
){kind=link}
29 Comments
ambivalentone
September 25, 07:51LOOOOOOL. I caught my sub. But I have a God who neither sleeps nor slumbers. Anen!!!
Mandy
September 25, 08:26Where? Where? Where abeg? Where did IBK have the effrontery to shade you?
ambivalentone
September 25, 09:02You av ofofo o. Izit yua shade? Mind ur business
Santa Diaba
September 25, 08:17I’m glad Siji and Liliana are giving you ideas ?
IBK
September 25, 16:25Siji and liliana?
I have no idea what you’re talking about
Mandy
September 25, 08:32First of all, you need to not buckle to your family’s pressure to go back inside the closet, IBK. To whatever extent. You got an unplanned gift when you came out of the closet through no making of yours. For your own sake, do not go back in. It doesn’t do you or anyone in your family any good, especially since you don’t have it in you to play pretend.
Secondly, your brother is very homophobic? This is interesting. Do tell us more about him in subsequent entries please 🙂
Thirdly, I see that busted lip as the universe’s way of punishing you for daring to enjoy the MGM wedding rice. I mean, how dare your taste buds not automatically convert that deliciousness to ash?
Keredim
September 25, 08:38“I was recently at an MGM’s wedding and I must say, I was disappointed that the food didn’t turn to ash in my mouth. On the contrary, it was delicious.”
@IBK, don’t be so cruel. Maybe he went undercover, looking for more reasons to disparage MGM.
And besides “man must chop”. Even social media activists.????
ambivalentone
September 25, 09:01My dear!!! What rice is saying in the market these days ehn. Functions of state dignitaries are the best places to eat my share of the unevenly distributed national cake o
Keredim
September 25, 10:00Gbam!???????
Now THAT is the reality!!!!!
ambivalentone
September 25, 10:20Abi na. These ur constant reminders that ideals are useless against realities and an utmost waste of time. Heads up: Me I cannot serve rice at my own wedding o. Y’all lot will just hafta settle for lots of ‘thank you for comings’ if the economy don’t improve or I don’t nab a sugar daddy. #Pray4Ambi ??
ambivalentone
September 25, 10:21Keredim, I love these things??
Keredim
September 25, 11:05You can also tailor some of them to suit your skin tone.??????????
hmmmm
September 26, 03:50Mr Kere, I am in the UK on vac. do you think you could show me around?
Francis
September 26, 07:21*coughs and drags out side stool* ☕☕☕. Kere-babes ngwa.
Keredim
September 26, 07:33So sorry, currently whoring sorry vacationing, in Greece.
Reach out to KDadmin, I am sure there are other UK based KDians only too happy to show you around.?
Chuck
September 25, 11:26Lol. Making excuses is a Nigerian talent.
Francis
September 25, 12:09I think I envy all of una that can comfortably marry lesbians. That kain charade pass my threshold of posing.
Meanwhile this post just made me review the App Lock application that came with my phone well well. Now I can lock multiple pre-selected apps with the tap of a button before passing my phone over to anyone. ??
IBK
September 25, 16:27We need to exchange notes on app locking apps. You can’t be too careful nowadays.
Pink Panther
September 25, 21:07My dear, as long as the meddler isn’t meddling into my chats (in which case a serious tongue lashing is in order). But if you want to peruse my media (inside where I have all sorts of hunky bodies and pretty boys), darris your business. If you see the one that will blind your eyes, darris your consine. I’m at that stage in my life when certain appearances are just a waste of my time.
Francis
September 26, 00:15Hmmmm, I don’t think I want mumsy stumbling on porn on my phone. *shudders*
@IBK the app on my own phone was developed by the phone makers. I don’t think it’s available in the play store
Delle
September 25, 12:16“Sure, I had – still have – the occasional crush on a pretty girl with long hair and good brains, but it’s nowhere like how I feel about guys.”
*wailing uncontrollably*
I don’t even have this! I have never had this! Oh well, I guess I’m the gayest of them all…
And as for coming out to friends, I’ve never really been one to think of ‘coming out’ as necessary but as soon as I did, I’ve come out to ALMOST all and damn, it feels great. Conversations flow better and those who do not want to come to terms with it (it’s not like they didn’t even suspect sef), I just fling into my bin.
Ehen, as for the wedding, well no potential MGM should include me in his guest list! *flips tress and walks on*
ambivalentone
September 25, 13:23Haaaa!!!??Not even me???
Delle
September 25, 14:06Oh an exception you’d be. Only this time, I’d be coming to gift your bride with your numerous rants on a ‘popular’ gay blog and your very special sex-tape.
Law
September 25, 16:03IBK…. I saw U at d wedding in Ibadan.. The choice of the colour was d bride. And d hot best man was his ex …. Ohh! I have said too much.. Nice writeup #okbye
IBK
September 25, 16:23You were there ????
Next time don’t be a stranger and say hi ?
Law
September 25, 16:57I wud av said hi if u were alone. But u were with friends… Lol
Shuga chocolata
September 25, 20:36WAWU!!!
Ndi KD knowing people since 23BC……
Brian Collins
September 25, 16:52The IBK I love is back. Nice read.
Ivory Child
September 25, 21:06Nice one as usual IBK!!!!!