IT IS ABOUT A LOT OF THINGS

December 1st is World AIDS Day. December is also the month I learned the bit of information that changed my life forever, making this month of 2020 the eighth anniversary of my life spent living with HIV. And in all that time, there have been many highs and lows, some wins and some losses, the joys and the tears characterizing my life as a poz person. I have consumed stories on this blog, from the brave step Kenny Brandmuse took to tell the world that he was HIV Positive and The +++ Journals penned by Temi-D right down to Mitch’s Eez Positive I Positive! I No Kill Person series and the inspiring finale to GT’s The College Chronicles. There have been many narratives here that show the struggles and exalt the triumphs, stories that make me continuously grateful that I am not alone and for the fact that there are those who have so overcome their shame, that they are able to put their stories out here for others to be inspired and encouraged.

In a society that still demonizes the HIV+ status so much, it makes the struggle especially more layered if you are a gay man who is HIV+. You are put in a spot where you shoulder additional baggage than the average gay man. You find yourself feeling like a shameful secret in a community that is already dealing with its secretiveness as a whole. Weeks ago, the story made the rounds that a gay man who worked as a barber committed suicide. While the community was still reeling with that, it then came out that he was HIV Positive, and that he killed himself because he could no longer handle being blackmailed by another gay man who he’d hooked up with. I do not know how true these aspects of this story are, but when I heard it, I didn’t find it hard to believe. I didn’t think it was unbelievable that a gay man would learn about another gay man’s HIV status – his lover’s, no less – and weaponize the knowledge against him. I didn’t find it farfetched that someone can be labouring under the shame of his HIV status so much, he’d consider suicide as the only way out.

The stigma that comes with being HIV Positive is very real. And it comes at you from everywhere: the society at large, the community you belong to, and you.

And so, whenever I read stories here or I learn about queer Nigerians who are living with HIV and are talking about it and demystifying it and using their lives to try and rescue others from their shame, it warms something inside me.

Because it is about Overcoming Shame; it is about living in the light of who you are, and not letting any circumstance becloud you.

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Two Christmases ago, my elder brother came home from the States. It was his first time home in a few years, and the distance made him the only member of my family that I hadn’t told about my status. I’d decided that I would only deliver the news to my loved ones face to face.

But I never got the chance to tell my elder brother; he found out himself when he saw me drinking my medication. I was absent-mindedly observing this ritual while talking to my mother, and so, I didn’t see him pick up the pill bottle. Next thing we heard was his explosion: “So you have AIDS?!!!”

I won’t bother with the details of how overwrought that night turned out to be: the screaming matches as he railed against me and my mother, who refused to stand for his nonsense; the betrayal I felt ravaged with at his bias; the shock I could see him dealing with; and the eventual tears that came as he asked my mother with so much emotion, “Give me one good reason why you are so cool with this – with him having this disease?”

“Because he is my son. Because he’s a human being. Because his disease is no different from your ulcer. Because he has committed no crime by being HIV Positive. Those are four good reason; do you want more?” my mother said, unflinching in the face of his outrage.

That was two years ago. My brother has since come around, but I’ll never forget that moment when my mother confronted him with the reflection of his cruelty and questioned his lack of compassion.

Because it is about Humanity; it is about recognizing – especially in a world that has become modern and saturated with knowledge in its fight against HIV/AIDS – that the person living with it is a human, not a monster.

*

A few weeks ago, Nigerian Gay Twitter went into a bit of a meltdown over claims that staffers of NGOs and Queer Public Health clinics who are in charge of the healthcare of HIV positive community members are not to be trusted. No such NGOs or clinics were identified, but there were accusations of violations of patient confidentiality and several narrations of HIV clinic staffers either disrespecting the privacy of their patients or blabbing to third parties the status of their patients. I was truly horrified by this. And I remember contacting a friend who learned of his positive status late last year and was a patient of an NGO (whose name I’ll respectfully not mention), and when he saw the tweets, he panicked and subsequently yanked his healthcare from the NGO and transferred it to the hospital where I was receiving my own patient care.

In the past several days, I have encountered Facebook posts where the messy business was aired of a named unprofessional NGO staffer running his mouth about the status of his patients and getting beaten up for it.

THIS IS WRONG!!! This is stigma taking on a whole other look, made even more insidious by the fact that it is perpetuated by the institutions that are supposed to protect us, their own. Community members shouldn’t have to be fleeing from these places where they can be frank and open about their medical/sexual backgrounds, simply because they hire people who do not understand the concept of patient confidentiality.

Because it should be about Respect; it should be about preserving the humanity of the person whose health concerns are your obligation, and ensuring that you don’t become the monster inside here that they are escaping from outside there.

*

A week ago, when I went to the hospital to collect my medication, as is part of the procedure, I was sent in to see the doctor – and I did something I’d never done before in all the times I’ve sat down to go over my medical history with my doctors.

I told the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

You see, there are some of these hospital appointments when you sit with the doctor and they ask you about your circumstances since your last appointment. This inquiry, whose responses are recorded in your file, are often very personal, ranging from questions about your health, your family’s health, your relationships and your sexual history.

And for a very long time, since I was a patient there, whenever the doctor asked questions about my partner and the kind of sex I have, I always told lies of heterosexuality. “Yes, I’ve only had one girlfriend in the past six months…” “No, I haven’t had more than five female casual sex partners in the past year…” “Yes, it is vaginal sex I’ve had…”

The questions are routine, but the answers I gave meant so much to me because they were prevarications.

And then, last week happened. The doctor was young, male and tempered his professionalism with kindliness. And when we started going through those questions, I gave answers I’d never given before. Going by the history already recorded in my file, he’d even started anticipating my responses.

“So, is it the girlfriend you dated last year that you’ve still been with these past six months?” he queried.

“No,” I said, as my heart thumped away. “I haven’t been dating any girl even in the past year.”

“Oh, you’ve been single –”

“No, I’ve been dating a boy.”

He gave a start, looked up from his writing and stared at me. I stared back, my calm demeanour belying the raging wars of anxiety going on within me.

Then, without a word, he returned to the questionnaire. “Have you had more than five casual sex partners in the last year?”

He hadn’t presumed anything by adding “female” there. Dude was learning fast.

“Yes,” I answered.

“Male or female?”

“Male.”

“What kind of sex have you engaged in, in the past year?”

“Anal.”

“Were you the receiving or the giving partner?”

“Both.”

The further down we went on the list of questions that’d record my sexual history, the more liberated I was as I spoke my truth.

Because it is about Self-Truth; it is about taking those steps, boldly so, to represent yourself authentically before the world with an attitude that says: “There. I said what I said.”

*

On this day that commemorates World AIDS Day, on this day that recognizes the fight against HIV/AIDS and the consciousness of a world that treats the HIV+ community better, I want you to remember that it should be about a lot of things: that with every waking hour you live, every breath you take as a person living with HIV, it should be about Love, about Survival, about You.

Written by Dubem