JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 15)
September 26
Today, I went clubbing.
I didn’t like it.
The music was too loud, and it didn’t feel like something I was interested in doing. At the moment, booze was flowing through my veins and I felt lightheaded. I liked the feeling. But the loud music. The strangers around me I was supposed to get into a romp with. I didn’t like those. I’m not heterosexual, but I’m pretty sure if I went to a gay club where all that was happening, I would leave early… Just like I just did.
Maybe it was the music. Olamide was hollering over the speakers. Some nigga was running around the school shouting “yeah” and “c’mon”. The lights were pulsating and I felt uneasy.
I said before I’m not heterosexual. But I do know if I were straight, the club isn’t where I’d want to meet a girl. Unless she was shy and uncomfortable like me, and we found out we have a deep love for foreign music and she wasn’t into bad boys.
I like to dance, but not in front of people I don’t know. I’m shy like that. As I left for home, I put on my headphones and listened to ‘Don’t you worry child,’ and it was definitely something I could get into a groove with, maybe even in public. Not that shoki song that made me feel like something was about to attack me.
At first I was worried about leaving. I might look like a wuss to my fellow straight companions. But I realised that the whole thing just wasn’t me. Sure I wanted a girlfriend and the 0.1% straight part of me wanted some female companionship, but I didn’t want it that way. What’s wrong with females anyways?
I was talking to a girl that I really liked, and even had the guts to ask out, and she said no. She later told me that I’m quite the catch because I can sing and write and play the guitar. This girl just acknowledged that I’m a possible female’s wet dream, but she has refused to go out with me over lame reasons. You see my problem? You see their problem?
Maybe it’s because I’m gay. So it oozes out and females can just sense it. Or maybe they just don’t have sense. I can never know for sure.
One thing I was reminded about from today’s experience is that I AM DIFFERENT. Among gay people, I am different. With my straight peeps, I am waaaay different. My style of writing is different. My views on relationships tend to be different. My persona is just different.
But it doesn’t bother me… maybe different is good. But it does tire me sometimes.
I’ll be leaving for home tomorrow. I am a momma’s boy and I have missed her so much. I’ll buy her favorite pistachio nuts for her and give her a biiiiiiig hug and inhale that flowery scent of hers that I associate with home and love. I’ll play with my dogs and cat. I’ll watch TV and eat chocolates till I’m bored. Then I’ll go visit my brothers in school. Maybe that feeling of loneliness that has been creeping up on me will subside for a while till I resume.
Have a blessed Sunday. And thanks so much to everyone for their encouragement and kind words and even the unkind ones. I’m out.
Written by James
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29 Comments
King
September 28, 05:46Awww James your difference is just your uniqueness. … NEVER SELL IT FOR ONE DAY BRO….and give your momma another hug and whiff of a smell for me Too!
simba
September 28, 05:56Okay James, this diary too short.. as per the club things.. I love club but sure sometimes the music gets so loud and damm here in Nigeria people are allowed to smoke inside. Try the club again, as an adult u need find means of relaxing and associating with folks outside family and private meetings.. Hugs James
chestnut
September 28, 06:15Wait…ppl shouldn’t be allowed to smoke in clubs??? *side-eye*
trystham
September 28, 06:44I wonder at that myself. It would be a wonderful thing tho. I come out smelling like tobacco leaf everytime I go to a club. It nearly almost always damages the clothes. Nice piece as always.
Lothario
September 28, 07:42In some countries, people arent allowed to smoke in clubs. I have to say that’s very welcome here, my clothes always smell terrible after a night out.
Let’s not even talk about the chain smokers who insist on throwing their tongues down your throat during a 4am make out session, like there’s nothing wrong with it. *side eye at babe*
Dennis Macauley
September 28, 06:53I go to like 5 clubs on a normal friday night! That’s if I decide to go out!
I like clubbing, the VIP section tho. The regular section is like New year’s eve on times square or oshodi market
Metrosexual
September 28, 06:05I felt the same way too the first time I went clubbing…buh Hey, as time goes on… It becomes quite an addictive hobby, especially when u try something with someone random…*covers face*. So my dear, try it again… XoXo
Dennis Macauley
September 28, 06:50“Unkind ones”
Sunday morning shade
Receive it if it’s yours
*sips coffee*
T÷
September 28, 06:52You went clubbing ke?
Stickysly
September 28, 08:02James! James!
Once again, thanks for giving us a peep into your truly unique being.
Indeed, we all have our peculiarities which makes us who we are.
Keep @it.
Trés bién
Khaleesi
September 28, 08:43aww James, I loooovvve the way you write from deep within your soul. its like you open your heart & invite the reader in. after reading your journals, all I want to do is grab you in a big bearhug and plant a big kiss on your forehead like an adorable lil puppy.
You’re allowed to be different, you should insist on being who you are and learn to be proud of and love yourself the way you are.
in my teens, I was an awkward, ungainly dancer. I disliked parties or loud music cos my older cousins always teased and laughed at me whenever I danced due to my poor dance moves. it was embarrassing as hell. but at some point, I don’t know when or how it happned, u just know it gradually started to happen. I began to enjoy party music more and more, I slowly started to mimic the moves of those who could danxe … today, I absolutely love nothing more than to wind and shake my booty on the dance-floor. till today am still surprised when people actually complement my dancing! ! I believe you can do it too James, it will work wonders for your self confidence and socializing skills … Who knows, the club is where you might meet that gorgeous man who’ll fill your bed with passion & make you dizzy&lightheaded, your energetic and attractive dance moves might just be what draws him inexorably to you … Go gurl!! you can do it! ***hugs and kisses***
Khaleesi
September 28, 15:04@Gad I’d teach you if you like… in 1week you’ll be bumping ans grinding real good. I did it last Friday & can teach you … its easier than you think. . about Royalty and dancing, well, I read that Prince William is a very good dancer and loves to get on the dance floor like his mother Diana before him. No rule is cast in stone … even Royal customs have always changed. encourage your boys to learn to dance, the world moves towards more egalitarianism by the day!
gad
September 28, 16:03How kind of you!.may God bless your sweet soul.sure,my kids will learn to dance someday. Don’t allow me expose my thoughts on that lady,Diana.It will make people especially, My brother Pinky to forget our brotherhood and come after me with an i.e.d.
gad
September 28, 09:32As kids we were thought that Royal family members shouldn’t dance in the public bcos it amounts to entertaining others.You are supposed to be entertained and not the other way round.Though, I have a different view now but sadly,I can’t dance.Never realy danced. I have clubbed a number of times and I don’t find it interesting.Im basically an indoor person
Legalkoboko
September 28, 10:37Suddenly I find myself agreeing with every single word you dropped here, gad. I too can’t dance, though I like watching when others dance.
gad
September 28, 14:37Too bad for me. I was hoping you could teach me
King
September 28, 10:42Errrr not to dance in public cause you will entertain Others?.?. I wonder how David felt when he danced in front of the people Naked! Yet God blessed him the more….so with foresight I will teach my twins the opposite which is dance unto God to show others how great the God you serve Is!!!!
gad
September 28, 14:46King David? He was lucky that he wasn’t from Benin kingdom or Igboland. Teach ur kids to dance? I’m jealous.I wish I can teach my boys too but they are stepping into Dad,s shoes.they don’t also dance.I pray they learn regal dance steps and not azonto
Lothario
September 29, 00:21Hold up! The question here should be….King you have twins???? Why does your life look so good from where I’m sitting?
king
September 29, 06:35Perfect!!!! Thanx…i married a good woman who knows her place as a wife and I am a son of the most high God and was before my wife was expecting I asked my father for triplets. And named them by faith…God in his living mercy and kindness and faithfulness gave me twins…a boy and gal who I love sooooo much!
gad
September 29, 14:38So nice. May God bless the kids
Legalkoboko
September 28, 10:41James, your writing is getting more mature. You seem very able to squeeze in a lot of good stuff into a very short space. I like it when stories like this are really short. And the thought patterns are now closely linked and connected with each other.
Good job. Keep it up.
#TeamKizito
September 28, 15:09Hmm. Different.
Paul
September 28, 21:29Gad I’d like to b a pal!
gad
September 29, 02:59You are most welcome. Thanks for the offer.Pinky is the link person. I’m sure he will take necessary actions
king
September 29, 06:37Hmmm……there’s a dating in d making I see…..hmmm is all I gat to say…
Ola
September 29, 14:41I dn’t club bt love 2, I find comfort in movies, books, family. I crave 4 a real relationship, seeing movies, chating , hanging out. My last boyfriend say a lover boy n I laugh, I dn’t give a shit about anything or what people think of me all I think of his my heart.
anonymous
September 29, 21:18Can I meet James already? *sigh*
dEJI
October 24, 05:29I love the club but can’t deal with Nija songs. Come to think of it which club were you? And your difference is what make you James.