KD’s Fashion Police: The 74th Annual Golden Globe Awards

Hello boys and girls, this is John Ocean and I am so excited that my favorite time of the year is here again. No, I’m not talking about the holiday season (that only delivers meddlesome family members and leaves you fatter); I am talking about the award season which just kicked off with the Golden Globes, where all my favorite stars battled it out on the red carpet.

So anyway, I won’t waste your time. This is my offering of The Yass!!!, The Oh Dear God, and The Well, Just Keep Going.

THE YASS!!!

GOLDIE HAWNThis is a very age-appropriate dress and Goldie has really aged very well. I also like what she did with her hair, letting her dress do all the talking. This dress struts the fine line between understated elegance and high fashion.

NAOMIE HARRISShe looks like she was melted and poured into the dress; the fit is absolutely perfect. I’m not a big fan of the color but the stitching and construction of this dress is just perfect and she looks stunning.

REESE WITHERSPOONWe often think of Reese as cute not elegant, but this girl is proving herself to be a red carpet veteran. This custom Versace atelier gown screams perfection with a capital P; the detailing is perfect, the dress does not overwhelm her and she rocks it with attitude. The color is simply breathtaking! Ladies and gentlemen, Reese is not here to play. BEST DRESSED NOMINEE!

SARAH JESSICA PARKERThis dress had mixed reviews with very many people not liking it. However Sarah is a fashion girl who takes risks and many times people do not appreciate that she actually wears art. I absolutely love this dress and I think she nailed this look. This dress is obviously very difficult to wear and can easily age a woman, but someone Sarah is making it work. The sleeves were quite controversial, but I think without them, she would have looked like a bridesmaid. The only thing I did not like was the hair; I wish she had done a nice up-do.

NAOMI CAMPBELLCan we all take a moment and bow down before the queen of couture? I don’t have any words. This dress is constructed to perfection in a way that no other person can pull off. But then again, Naomi is not human now, is she? She is a deity and this is a dress fitting for the goddess of high fashion herself. Step aside, Diane Kruger. You too, January Jones. Naomi is not your mate in this matter. BEST DRESSED NOMINEE!

BLAKE LIVELYVelvet is one of the most difficult fabrics to pull off, as if can easily make someone look heavier. However, only freaks of gorgeous nature such as Blake can pull this off. She looks like a queen – like, how is one person so gorgeous, so talented, so stylish, has a perfect body and sleeps next to one of the most beautiful men on earth? Is it even fair? Blake clearly ruled this red carpet, like she does every single time. BEST DRESSED NOMINEE!

JANELLE MONAEThis is high fashion and Janelle constantly brings her A game with very difficult pieces that only she can pull off. This girl is not a wall flower and her clothes are not for the faint hearted! She smashed this look with a hammer and again proved that you can get away with a dress that isn’t floor length. BEST DRESSED NOMINEE!

ANGELA BASSETTPERFECTION!!! This woman is like wine honestly; she gets better with age. Her dress is so demure and appropriate, plus the detailing is absolutely amazing. The color is spectacular and sets off her gorgeous skin. She simply looked fantastic. And she wasn’t even nominated. BEST DRESSED NOMINEE!

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THE WELL, JUST KEEP MOVING

THANDIE NEWTONShe ruined what is essentially a very gorgeous dress with those horrible appliqués at the bottom. She actually looks like she was dragged through palm oil and didn’t have time to change. Or maybe she is a beautiful demon rising out of hell with the flames licking at her legs.

JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUSI think she approaches fashion like comedy; not to be taken seriously. However she looks like she is wearing a dress on top of another dress, leaving her looking like a tall penguin.

GINA RODRIGUEZThis is a classic case of beautiful dress, beautiful girl, but not good together. I saw her walking the red carpet and cringed; she just doesn’t have the persona to pull off this dress. One has to be very careful with fringe because it can easily add proportions and make you look fatter than you really are, which is the case with this.

VIOLA DAVISYes, Viola is the new queen of Hollywood. And yes, the color of this dress is popping and really shows off her gorgeous skin tone. But really, this is one boring dress. Outside the color, this dress has no other high point and I personally think they would have done a bit more with the detailing; it looks like they were playing safe with her look. Clearly Reese won the battle of the yellow dress!

CHRISSY TEIGENGod knows I love her, but I think this dress was constructed by a Nigerian obioma tailor who was a carpenter in a former life. It makes her look double her size and completely swallows her. Sorry, Mrs. Legend, but this is not werking for me.

SOFIA VERGARAThis is the first time that Sofia is venturing out of her comfort zone of sculpted dresses, and sadly she fell flat on her face. If she had lined this dress, she would have looked way better than she does; instead she just looks like a knock-off Kardashian.

CARRIE UNDERWOODShe looks like she is growing pink cabbage on her chest as part of some experiment. I don’t understand how gorgeous women allow designers set them up like this.

SIENNA MILLERHey, look, it’s Miley Cyrus… Or not!

KERRY WASHINGTONThe upper part of this dress looks like a blouse her Igbo mother-in-law wears to August meetings in the village. This is not a bad look anyway; I just don’t like the length of the dress, as it looks matronly. She could have gone shorter or longer to nail this look.

SIMONE BILESShe does look great, but I have been beefing her since she kissed Zac Efron. So my official response is: “I DON’T KNOW HER… I STILL DON’T KNOW HER.”

JESSICA BIELShe looks like a sacrifice to be presented to a goddess of fertility!

JESSICA CHASTAINVery beautiful dress; I just would have preferred it in a darker shade because she is very pale and easily looks washed out.

NICOLE KIDMANI see the droopy sleeve was a trend at the globes this year, but sadly, it did not work for Nicole. This dress is not age appropriate for her; it makes her look desperate to be younger. This is what I would expect to see on a starlet in her 20s, not a veteran like Ms. Kidman.

NATALIE PORTMANYes, she is preggers, so I will be nice. This would have worked better if the A cut was well defined. Instead she looks like she raided the closet of a rich fat woman and stole something.

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THE OH DEAR GOD

RILEY KEOUGHThis dress looks like sorrow! It does absolutely nothing for her gorgeous figure. My guess is that the designer has nude photos of her and is threatening to release them, so she was blackmailed into wearing this pile of crap. WORST DRESS NOMINEE!

SARAH PAULSONThis is definitely what you wear when you have post partum depression but you still have to be at the Globes. She actually looks like a cheap Christmas present ordered from Ali Express!

HEIDI KLUMAunty Heidi tries too hard and doesn’t ever seem to get it right. She really needs to master the art of effortless elegance. Yes, her body is perfect and all, but this dress is a hot mess. Unless she was styled by Stevie Wonder, there is no excuse for this. WORST DRESSED NOMINEE!

ZOE SALDANAZoe is my girl anyday, but this dress sadly leaves her looking like a Mexican dancer who entered the US illegally and would be deported by Donald Trump on the 21st of January.

SOPHIE TURNERI have no words whatsoever! Maybe she was dressed by her stepmother who clearly does not like her, because I don’t see why a sane person would choose to dress like a spider caught in a web to the Globes.

CLAIRE FOYAfter playing such an iconic character in an iconic series, The Crown, this is what you wear to the Golden Globes? And you are a nominee? The color completely washes her out, leaving her looking sick. She was the clear favorite to win in her category and she plays Queen Elizabeth for Christ’s sake! How about looking like a queen!!!

OCTAVIA SPENCEREverybody should learn how to dress for their body, no matter what size they are. There is absolutely no reason for this nonsense unless of course her original dress was burnt by an iron, so she threw on her man’s tuxedo (don’t argue, look at the crotch area, it looks like a man’s pants). She sef knows she fucked up, which is why she is not smiling properly. WORST DRESSED NOMINEE!

FELICITY HUFFMANLynette Scavo is obviously going through a mid life crisis. What da bloody hell!!!

DREW BARRYMOREShe looks like a gypsy hooker, the kind who will also sell crack to you.

OLIVIA CULPOI don’t know how someone ends up looking like an effigy; the kind that is purchased at a European flea market. This is one of the busiest prints I have seen in my entire life and the dress is absolutely wearing her. WORST DRESSED NOMINEE!

TRACEE ELLIS ROSSHer dress should have been properly fitted, lined and either cut shorter or extended to the floor. She just looks sad abeg!

KARRUECHE TRANMs. Tran actually looks like a Chinese blow-up sex doll, the kind ordered by fat white men in their 40s who still live at their grandmother’s basement. She should have the people who put her in this mess executed for treachery!

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Picking my best dressed was a bit of a challenge. It was a battle between Reese Witherspoon and Angela Basset, but I finally gave it to Angela Basset! She took my breath away.

My worst dressed was also a battle, but I ultimately gave it to Chrissy Teigen.

Let me know your thoughts, guys! See you at the SAG Awards.