LIMP DICKS FROM WITHIN

We began chatting from Grindr even when I was in Lagos. Then, in Lagos, my Grindr would shuffle and contacts all the way from Abuja would appear on my interface. After a while, it would reshuffle itself and my location would read Lagos once more. It baffled me for a while until I stopped caring when I realised there was nothing I could do about it.

It was during one of these weird occurrences that Mickey chatted me up. We exchanged locations and the fact that he wasn’t in Lagos was discouraging. Our chats consequently became so infrequent until we stopped altogether.

Fast forward to when I moved to Abuja and we reconnected again.

We exchanged pictures, chatted some more (although in all honesty, he was more the initiator and I was basically a replier), and then he began to ask for a meet.

I am not quick to meet anyone here yet. Grindr for me is more an app to while away time, have more chat platforms, than for hookups – and so, I kept stalling until some days ago.

I didn’t go to work. He had offered to come pick me from home. There was a Coldstone ice cream and pizza incentive. He had me. Besides, he said we were just going to talk. I couldn’t say no.

He picked me up at the front of my house and we proceeded to a Coldstone outlet not very far from my house.

After we got the ice cream and ordered our pizza, this went down:

Him: You’re a fine man.

Did I mention he is a Resource Personnel for one of the elite high schools in Abuja? He also has a Master’s Degree and is well travelled. So yeah, he was so well-spoken – a plus in my books.

Me: Thanks. You’re not so bad yourself.

Actually, he is not a looker – late thirtyish, going bald, somewhat squat. But what he lacked in physical looks, he made up for in class and personality.

Or so I thought.

So after my response about him not looking bad, he gave a humourless laugh.

Him: You’re just saying that.

I didn’t know what to say to that, so I said nothing. I mean, would he have preferred I said I didn’t think he is a fine man, with a wide smile to take the sting away? Physical appearances matter, but some of us are interested in other things too.

Him: I’m sure a lot of guys are on your case.

I suddenly found myself stifling the urge to roll my eyes.

Me: And you’d think that because?

Him: I’m not thinking anything. I know. I know your type. Heartbreakers.

He tried to smile, but there was a seriousness behind those words, a quiet pain that couldn’t leaked through.

Me: You’re generalizing. Besides, I don’t have a lot of guys on my case.

Feeling dramatic, I flashed my fingers in his face.

Me: See? I’m single.

Him: That’s because you chose to, I’m sure.

I mentally went through all the guys I know who have said this same thing to me, and I couldn’t hold back the eyeroll this time. I felt a frisson of irritation.

Me: You’re making too many assumptions, Mickey. That’s not healthy.

He laughed, a very rich laughter that only succeeded in raising my irritation.

Him: I speak truth, dear boy. Okay, will you date me if I asked you out? No wait, before you answer that, what’s your type of guy? Chill, let me go and check the pizza.

I was now exhausted and switched to thinking mode. I settled my thoughts on his first question and realised my response would do less with the fact that he doesn’t fit my spec (that thing is a sham anyway) and more on his attitude.

Confidence isn’t a bad thing, you know. Jesus! Besides, I felt a little insulted that he’d implied that I was vain and superficial – based on what? My looks? I’m not even Denola Grey for heavenssakes!

In a flash of reminiscent anger, I recalled my conversation with a friend who’d said I should make some effort to change people’s perception of me. I’d agreed to do that, even though I know not what and how I’d go about it. People making judgment, having annoying preconceived notions about your person from your physical disposition or carriage – and I’m supposed to be the one doing something about it? Just how?! Why should that be my problem when I know your impatience and quick judgmental reflex is the issue? I’m not perfect, far from it, but if you classify me based on what you see, I should not be held responsible.

One guy back then had called me High Maintenance and took off. Another said I speak too much English and that was it.

Deep breaths…

OK, back to the story.

Mickey soon returned and I began telling me about what my type of guy is, making the telling as chatty as I could in between sumptuous bites of the sizzling hot pepperoni pizza he placed on the table.

When I was done, his expression was impassive.

Him: I won’t ask you to answer the other question because I already know the answer from this one you just gave.

Me: I see you take presumption very seriously.

Stung by my response, he snapped at me in a cool tone, “Don’t give me that! You would never accept a man like me. All of you are looking for guys like Trey Songz and them IK Ogbonna.

I wanted to give a flippant response about how I would prefer an Alex Ekubo to an IK Ogbonna, but I could see the fury in his eyes, saw that he was in no mood for jokes, and even my pizza grew cold.

What had I done to this man biko?

Me: All of us? I like a good looking man, no doubt. But I also understand that in itself isn’t a prerequisite for a lasting relationship. I’m not so vain as to not be with a guy who would give me the world and lack in looks. There’s always more to these things.

At this, he gave a small smile.

Him: So you will go for a guy like me?

It was my turn to snap coolly, “Is this your way of asking me out?”

Him: No. But I have thought of it and now seeing you, I know it can’t be. You won’t agree.

I wanted to say something to make it better for him, but I knew he was somewhat right, but not for the flimsy reason he was thinking. I would say no to dating him entirely different reasons. So I just stayed quiet while we both ate the pizza and ice cream, while watching the folks coming in and going out of the creamery.

When the evening was over, he dropped me off at my house. And since then, he has neither chatted me up nor called. I haven’t done the same either. There are some things I can’t handle: insecurity, a lack of confidence in guys, and presumptuous men.

Written by Delle