MY SISTER’S MAN

I matched with a guy on Tinder a few months ago. He was a very good looking guy, but when we started chatting, I was careful to not get flirty with him. Our chats were just the regular getting-to-know-you conversation.

However, at some point, I wanted to be sure that he worshipped with my congregation – you know, seeing as he matched with me, given that I clearly stated on my bio that I was NOT interested in heterosexual men. So I asked him about his interest in guys.

He responded by asking if I am “gay or something”.

I said, “Yes. Are you not?”

He exploded. Message after furious message of expletives hurled at me, calling me a fag and threatening me with bodily harm if I “try bringing that nonsense to his side”. You know, just a regular homophobic straight man heterosexualizing.

And then, before I could react, he’d unmatched me.

In all honesty, this turn of events really pained me. Homophobic utterances get under my skin. This is the reason I do whatever I can to avoid homophobic spaces and people. I am that protective of the spaces I control.

But what happened had happened. And I moved on.

Fast forward to months later, and a few days, I was getting ready to step out on an evening stroll. I was recovering from COVID – and let me just say that this Delta Variant is no joke. It is certainly not something I’d wish on my enemies, except that enemy is kito scum. Then, by all means, have at it.

So, I had put on my nose mask and was heading to the gate to step outside, when my sister, Ariel, came in. (You remember Ariel, right? She is the sister in my coming out story who, upon realizing that her kid brother was gay, gave herself an education that turned her into an accepting sibling, a strong ally and an all-round marvelous human being.)

Anyway, as she stepped into the compound, coming up behind her was a guy.

He didn’t seem to recognise me, but I recognised him immediately. He was the homophobic guy from Tinder.

As they entered our compound, I hastened toward my sister and told her in an aside that I wanted to talk to her, and then asked the guy to kindly wait outside. A puzzled expression came on his face, and when he looked at my sister, she shrugged her acquiescence. So, he turned and stepped out through the gate. I bolted it behind him and then turned to Ariel.

“Who is that guy?” I asked her.

“My date,” she said, looking bemused by my question. It wasn’t every day that I showed any interest in her male visitors.

“Your boyfriend?” I said with mounting horror.

She gave a small laugh. “No. We haven’t known each other long. But he just took me out anyway. We’re just coming back from our date.” At the look on my face, she asked, “Do you know him?”

“Yes.”

Her eyes widened and she lowered her voice as she asked, “Wait, you know him? Is he gay?”

“I don’t know. We only chatted briefly on Tinder months ago,” I said.

“What did you chat about? Tell me everything abeg.”

So, I told her what went down between the two of us. I told her how our chatversation, after matching, started with him sending me a message with the love emoji and me replying courteously so as to build a nice connection between the two of us first before going hot and heavy. And then, after awhile, I asked him what his interest in guys was, he asked me if I was gay, and when I affirmed, he went on a rant, cussing me out with threats and gay slurs.

As I talked, I could see the ice descend on my sister’s features. When I finished, she told me to say no more. Her voice was trembling with vexation. She went to the gate, opened it and in a very cold voice, told the guy, who had started approaching her expectantly, that he should leave.

Dude was dumbstruck. He noticed the distance in her demeanour and asked her what happened.

I appeared behind her and answered, “I happened.” Then I said, “Look at me very well. Do you not recognise me?”

He looked at me and said, “No.”

So, I went on to jog his memory by dropping a few highlights of our Tinder encounter.

Recollection rushed forward quickly and he began apologising, saying I shouldn’t be angry, that he didn’t mean any of those things he said.

Rrrright!

I told him that I wasn’t angry, and then reiterated what my sister said: that he should leave.

“I told Ariel what happened, so anything you think you want to achieve with her is dead. You can go.”

Ariel nodded in agreement. “We don’t take it lightly with anyone who disrespects a family member, since disrespecting one means you’re disrespecting everyone. And you disrespected my brother.”

“I am so sorry…I didn’t mean to say all those things…” The guy was stricken as he realised the seriousness of my sister’s rejection. He was begging, refusing to leave the front of our compound, urging me to forgive and my sister to reconsider.

That was when I threatened him. “Look, uncle, I have COVID 19. If you don’t get out of here right now, I will remove this face mask and spit in your face.”

The fear of coronavirus immediately became the beginning of wisdom, as he retreated sharp-sharp.

Looking pleadingly at Ariel, he said, “I will call you please.”

“Don’t bother,” she said coldly. “I intend to block you right now.”

And minutes later, we watched him drive away in his Access Bank vehicle.

As we went back inside the house, Ariel joked about how, at least, the association with the guy hadn’t been a waste of her time, because she’d eaten lots of stuff she hadn’t had in a while during their date.

And guess who ate the remainder of the goodies she brought home without shame? Yup, yours truly!

A few days later, he did call my sister with another number. She’d blocked his number.

I was with her when the call came in, and immediately she realized who was on the line, she put the call on loudspeaker. He told her that he was really sorry and would do anything to make things right. He said he would like to speak to me and apologize once more, and to reassure me that he would quit being homophobic.

At this point, I had to interject.

“Hello, this is Ariel’s brother. You’re on speaker. And I want to tell you something. Life is not the way Hollywood films portray it to be, whereby someone who has once expressed unjustified hatred is forgiven just because the person they discriminated against did something nice to them or because they came across a gay person who saved their life or something.

“Words and actions come with consequences. Your apology doesn’t wipe the slate clean just like that. In this case, the consequence of you being homophobic is the loss of the girl you like, who unfortunately for you has a gay brother that you ridiculed and threatened.

“You are not doing me a favor by not being homophobic really. You are actually doing yourself and humanity that favour. And a big test of just how serious you are about no longer being homophobic is how you go on to treat gay people, even with my sister refusing to have anything more to do with you.”

Then I finished on a grim tone: “Please, don’t call my sister ever again. If you do, we will involve the police on charges of harassment.”

I disconnected the call.

And my sister burst out into laughter and whoops of joy over my badassery.

Written by Dillish