STAY MAD!

I am very polite and nice. Too polite, as some friends and acquaintances have said to me.

“You are too nice to be my son.” My mother says this to me most times over the phone and anytime I unblock her on WhatsApp.

You didn’t call me Trouble just because I gave you sweet hell. You called me Trouble because I, most of the times we were together, destabilized your senses with my sensitivity and politeness and niceness. You said this to me, over a bottle of red wine on the 1st of January, 2016. Around 2 am. You asked us to get back together. I said, “I’ll say yes if you still feel the same way after three months.”

Then you left the country. You got married to an amazing guy.

Six months later, you opened up to me. “I got married in February.”

“She must be a very lucky woman,” I said.

“Man. I have a husband now,” you corrected.

While married, you kept mentioning my name during your lovemaking. You saw me when you ought to be seeing your husband. You bought things for him in my name. I wished you well. Then I blocked you on all platforms.

One ends a romantic relationship while remaining a compassionate friend by being kind above all else. By explaining one’s decision to leave the relationship with love and respect and emotional transparency. By being honest without being brutal. By expressing gratitude for what was given. By taking responsibility for mistakes and attempting to make amends.

By acknowledging that one’s decision has caused another human being to suffer. By suffering because of that. By having the guts to stand by one’s partner even while one is leaving. By talking it all the way through and by listening. By honoring what once was. By bearing witness to the undoing and salvaging what one can. By being a friend, even if an actual friendship is impossible. By having good manners. By considering how one might feel if the tables were turned. By going out of one’s way to minimize hurt and humiliation.

By trusting that the most compassionate thing of all is to release those we don’t love hard enough or true enough or big enough or right enough. By believing we are all worthy of hard, true, big, right love. By remembering while letting go.

Plays Andra Day’s Honey & Fire…

Some people don’t realize what they have until it’s gone, but that does not always mean they are supposed to get it back. And sometimes, an individual will look back on what he had, not because he wants to go there but to motivate him to do better.

Cutting you off was hard because I’m always polite and nice. But I did.

You found a way to reach me through a friend. You were divorced. You’d realised you messed up and you sought for forgiveness. You wrote about it. I thawed and I gave you forgiveness. We found our way back gradually. And all was well again.

Plays Mariah Carey’s GTFO…

My phone rang. I saw that it was you and I swiped the call function, “Baldy! What’s up?”

We spoke for a bit about almost everything, but because I knew you in every sense, I said, “Out with it.”

“I’m getting married again.”

I paused. Then I said, “Congratulations. You’d make a fine husband.” And I meant it.

“It should be you but you’re there acting all supreme and untouchable.” That came out of nowhere.

I didn’t understand what you were saying. So I asked, “What are you on about?”

“You know what I mean. I have wanted to marry you for a long time. It has always been you. Always you. But you always acted like you’re too much for me. Yes, I messed up. I did things no one should never have thought of, never done and I believe I have paid for my sins.” You sighed. “I have loved you for a long time. I know you love me too but this… this thing that you keep doing is stopping us from being together! You know this is how you’ll ever be. Single. All because you think if you accept me, you’d be settling and it’s what you should be doing. Settling with me. Settling for me.”

It was then I realized that you are indeed mad!

I gave you forgiveness. I let you into the life of the most important person in my life. You took my politeness and niceness and twisted it. You wanted me on your strings. I replaced the burnt bridge with a new one and I let you be my friend again. You condescended and thought I was acting below common sense. You thought you were the best for me. My last bus-stop. In the end, you became entitled. You became deluded to think I would ever come back to you, my vomit. You became mad.

Do you have any idea what that comment did to me?

You broke me.

You made me realize my very fear; that I’d never get everything in life but you will not be enough.

Thank you for restoring that fear.

I know you’re reading this. Understand that I’m lost to you and you’ll never find me. Again.

Stay mad!

Written by Vhar