That Piece About Gay Sex And Sexual Identity
Originally published on blackgaymensblog.com, with the title ‘Sexuality and Identity: Does Gay Sex Make One Homosexual?’
*
Personally, I do not believe that engaging in gay sex once makes a man (or woman) gay. I don’t believe sexuality is that clear cut – it all depends on the circumstances surrounding the sexual encounter. I am not suggesting homosexuality is a choice, but I think engaging in homosexual acts can be.
Let me make one thing clear, I am not talking about repetitive, on-going sexual encounters or referring to those men who might be in denial. I think that any man who has gay sex for a prolonged period of time, or has numerous male sexual partners is at the very least bisexual. Especially, if he does so when he has free access to women and the life of a loved one is not threatened. I think some gay men are too quick to want to label anyone who has had homosexual sex as gay or no longer straight. Sexuality is simply not that black and white – not all sexual encounters define one’s sexuality. The label “gay” is a western concept, and there are societies in which that label doesn’t exist and others where the gender of one’s sexual partners is not as big a deal as it might be here in the USA. In those societies, “gay” is not a political statement, and so I’m trying to look at things more broadly. We don’t have to agree, but we can respect and maybe learn from one another.
That being said, I have a few questions, which might challenge the notion that once a man has had homosexual sex, he is no longer straight:
If a man is curious about homosexual sex, maybe even the clichéd receiving a blowjob from a dude, and he tries it once, does that mean he is no longer straight? What if he realizes that while the oral skills of the person performing the act on him might be technically on-point, it simply isn’t his thing, is his sexuality forever changed just from that one encounter?
If a previously heterosexual male was in prison for 1 year and in that year had 1 or 2 homosexual encounters, does that make him gay or bisexual, even if he never has another homosexual encounter after he is released?
If a gay man can have sex with a woman (oral, vaginal or anal) and still be considered gay, why is it so hard for us to accept that a straight man can have sex with another man and still be straight?
Say a heterosexual male needed $200,000 for an operation to save his child’s life and an unscrupulous gay male offered him $500,000 to give him a blowjob or be penetrated by him and he accepted the offer, would that mean he is no longer heterosexual, even if he only had gay sex the one time, to save his child’s life?
If teenagers can experiment with homosexuality and go on to become heterosexual males, why is it so hard for some of us to accept that some late bloomers might be able to do that too?
I understand the political need for us to drive home the point that homosexuality is not a choice. However, I simply don’t agree with broad statements like once a man has gay sex, he is no longer straight or that no straight man would ever let a penis near him. It all depends on the circumstances and his reaction to said encounter. I happen to believe that many people have bisexual tendencies (as far as the ability to carry out sexual acts with both sexes goes) or at the very least fantasies. Whether or not that ability or those fantasies define our sexuality, I think is up for debate. What do you guys think? Is a straight man no longer straight, simply because he has engaged in gay sex? I just find that argument a little bit too simplistic to accept. To me, life and sexuality are far more complicated than that, but I might be wrong, so please chime in.
About author
You might also like
GRANDMOTHER’S GOODBYE
I met Michael on Grindr in August last year. I was in school, Nsukka, at the time for my induction ceremony, and he was in Ebonyi State University. He thought
MY LIFE HAS JUST BEGUN
June 2015 We’d had no light or water in school for a couple of weeks, and students, being the mad dogs they were, went on rampage. That night, it was
IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE
We met on Grindr. It was one of those once-in-a-lifetime connections you make with a stranger, where everything just clicks. It was obvious right from the start that we had
22 Comments
Masked Man
May 20, 05:58But a straight guy repeatedly having gay sex makes no sense.
keredim69
May 20, 06:27I think the writer said at the beginning, that the gay sex is a “one off” or at the very most “two-off” (if that’s a phrase) experience
Lemuel
May 20, 06:03You tried so well to elucidate your points. I am convinced with your school of thought. But I can’t starve the fact that having gay sex can make a previously straight guy bisexual or gay. Very few men can have gay sex more nd more nd later give up. It’s no choice. It depends on what one prefers and what one is attracted to. I have once accidentally had it hot with a straight dude, after which we repeated it like 4times nd later he told me ‘See Lemuel, We need to stop this, otherwise we may become homosexuals’ and we stopped. He actually didn’t know I am queer. So the thing is in the attraction not even in the sex. If you are attracted to girls you straight. If it’s boys then you are queer. if it’s boys and girls then u r bisexual.
keredim69
May 20, 06:25Lemuel, don’t you have to be attracted to someone before you have sex with them? There must be a level of attraction there in the first place. If your “straight” dude is also attracted to guys and can turn on and off the switch that lets him have sex with guys, I’d say he is the dude bisexual.
And being attracted to guys and not acting on it, does not absolve one of being gay/bisexual. He/She is just celibate in that area of their sexuality.
pinkpanthertb
May 20, 06:26Gbam!
Teflondon
May 20, 06:32Guess who’s speaking sense today.
Masked Man
May 20, 06:38Kisses for you keredim.
Mitch
May 20, 06:31Totally on point
KryxxX
May 20, 06:33MacArdry!!!!
Get in here oso!!
Your favorite topic is on the table!!!
**Grabs note nd pen while Humming to Whitney’s “I learnt from the best”** You guys where saying…………….
Teflondon
May 20, 06:39I rememeber a Pic that came up on here the other time about a father that sucked cock or had gay sex just to save his daughter and the Baby Mama Outted him or something like that.. Everyone on KD (except one person perhaps) tore the guy to shreds saying he was a DL gay guy and he was just using his child as excuse to have gay sex.
I’ll fault that reasoning. This is up here is an explanation that people can engage in gay sex albiet not on a regular and still be str8.
Talking from experience “I love me some str8 dudes all the time” and when I tell me Frnds that most of the guys I do are str8 they say “I’m nuts” “I’m deceiving myself.”This up there only buttress my points to those frnds. One can engage in Gay sex and still be str8. Very very possible.
wondabuoy
May 22, 09:02Na lie! A straight guy can’t even be curious about gay sex. Once there’s an element of curiosity, the person is bi/gay but just in denial.
trystham
May 20, 06:41Wo, I’m tired. 4 times within one week??? Someone sha wants to beat this thing into my subconscious. Ok o. You’re not gay o. You are a straight ex convict who has bin paid to av gay sex once or twice and like to be blown on by the superior BJ skills of a man while u still love the warm juicy feeling of a woman’s toto. I understand it now.
Sinnex
May 20, 06:50“If teenagers can experiment with homosexuality and go on to become heterosexual males, why is it so hard for some of us to accept that some late bloomers might be able to do that too?”
No wonder that guy in secondary school who kept on pestering me to kiss him and touch his dick now has a girlfriend and has refused to even acknowledge what happened in school, despite the fact that I have given him all the hints in the world….
That explains a lot…
Max
May 20, 07:13I once said the same thing to a friend>> “Having sex with a woman doesnt make you straight” and “having sex with a man doesnt make you gay”.
Sexuality is about who you’re attracted to, not who you’re having sex with, but most people have sex with only the people they’re attracted to, so its easy to see why there’s a lot of confusion and assumption about sexuality.
Men have been having sex with women since the beginning of time, it doesnt mean that all of those men were attracted to the women at the time, it was just considered normal and socially acceptable. I often get pissed when straight people think they’ll turn gay if a gay person so much as come close to them. Its annoying.
wondabuoy
May 22, 09:04Won’t there be attraction before the sex can happen?
Max
May 20, 07:17Lmao @Keredim
pinkpanthertb
May 20, 07:28Touché @keredim
Diablo
May 20, 07:38I hate arguments like these cause are they are redundant, its like arguing about why the chicken crossed the road, and why the sky is blue. How exactly does knowing these answers educate or help anyone or what benefit is it to anyone. Somethings, ppl honestly shouldn’t give a sh*t about.
Sinnex
May 20, 08:18This man has been on my case lately sha
keredim69
May 20, 08:24*other possibilities
Oluwadamilare Okoro
May 20, 09:43I am totally with the writer … very onPoint and encompassing… the right disclaimers where they need to be.
Ace
May 20, 10:45I read a book at one time that divided gay interactions as circumstantial/situational interactions and true interactions. Circumstantial interactions involve people engaging in gay sex not because it is their sexuality but basically because that is what is either available to them like in prison or boarding schools or situations where females are not available or sometimes just to experiment. These group later move on to express their original sexuality when females become available or when they are done experimenting. A classic case could be young people who engaged in gay sex when they were younger but now cannot see any form of attraction for the same sex when they are older.
True homosexuals are the guys that have no sexual attraction for the opposite sex irrespective of if they females are available or not. This group truly love men and may even experiment with women but they remain totally sexually inclined towards the same sex. Trust me, I know guys that i had early sexual experiences with. Right now, they have no form of attraction for guys.