THAT TABLE THEY WERE SHAKING

So I stay with these guys in school and our lodging is like a boy’s quarters – three rooms, a kitchen and a toilet. The compound is actually a lecturer’s quarters, but every lecturer’s quarters has a boy’s quarters attached to the main house. Most of the lecturers rent theirs out, some others don’t appreciate the noise that comes with having students live with you, and so they leave theirs empty, and yet some others, like the lecturer whose property I inhabit, give out theirs to students who have some sort of connection with them, that is free accommodation. I stay in one of the rooms with two other students (the mother to one of them is a nonacademic staff and knows the lecturer’s wife); three female students stay in the second room (one of them is a church member of the family); and one guy stays alone in the third room (I don’t know his connection to the family).

Now, one guy (let’s call him Tobi) soon came and began staying with the guy who stays alone in his room. Tobi is also a church member of the family so he knew one of the girls, the other church member. Tobi was extremely quiet and reserved. He hardly ever talked to anyone, not his roommate, not even the girl he knew from church. If Tobi was home, you would either spot him watching movies on his phone, praying, reading the bible or reading his books. Tobi moved into the quarters and proceeded to become practically invisible.

One day, Tobi was watching an anime on his phone. He was outside his room. Behind him, I was walking past and caught a glimpse of what he was watching. It was the newest episode of Boruto and I was instantly excited because I hadn’t seen it yet. I walked up to him and caught his attention. I asked that he send it to me, and with a smile, he agreed. As the transfer process was going on, we began chatting about Naruto and other animés, and soon, we were talking about movies, and then music. By the time it was established that he was a huge Ariana Grande fan, I knew I’d made a friend. We were connecting so strongly.

The rest of our housemates had started coming back from their various classes and wherever they’d been to, and when they found us talking – no, when they found Tobi talking – they were expectedly surprised. One of my roommates sarcastically commented, “Wow, Tobi, so you are not mute.” Per his character, Tobi did not respond.

Before we ended our conversation, Tobi got my number, and so continued our friendship. We were soon chatting a lot on WhatsApp, frequently joking about our housemates and talking about music artistes.

Soon, as I somewhat expected, the other guys in the compound began calling Tobi gay, because I was the only one he laughed with and talked to in the compound. In case you were wondering, my roommates took the liberty of assigning the homosexual orientation to me. I’m very much not feminine but I don’t play football or smoke weed with them or talk about how I’m going to sleep with all the girls in Uniben. In the absence of all these “masculine characteristics”, they’d concluded that I had to be gay. And if Tobi is only going to talk to the gay guy, then he too must be gay. (Now that I think about it, we have been fast friends for about three months. It makes me wonder about his sexual orientation myself).

But anyway, I didn’t care whether Tobi was gay or not. His personality was just too beautiful and we had a lot of things in common, a lot of stuff to talk about.

The merciless teasing and taunting from the other guys went on for days. Tobi was bigger and taller than me, so they assumed he was the dominant one during sex, relentlessly ribbing us with their speculations of how we got our freak on when nobody was looking. I told Tobi to act like me and simply ignore them.

Little did I know that Tobi was nothing like me; his silence came with a low tolerance.

One fateful day, Tobi and I were sitting on the low fence gisting. My roommates were far behind eating. The girls were lunging about. Tobi’s roommate had just come home, and came sauntering in with the sweeping greeting, “Good evening ladies, gentlemen and semi-men.”

He must have felt proud of his comedic skills, because his greeting was welcomed by his audience – the girls and my roommates – with raucous laughter. Tobi and I stayed aloof and carried on gisting. His roommate probably thought himself as an emerging comedian.

He approached us and touched Tobi and began saying, “Semi-dude, where –”

That was as far as he got.

I think what he wanted to tell Tobi was, “Semi-dude, where is the key?” But we’d never know for sure, because he only got out “where” before Tobi was descending on him with multiple blows. It was the most startling thing to behold, even to me – watching this very reserved, gentle soul turn into a tiger lashing out at his idiotic roommate, blow after blow, his bigger frame and the surprise of his attack giving the poor boy no room to retaliate appropriately.

But wait, if you enjoyed that part, then let me tell you the part that gave me multiple orgasms.

After beating his roommate to his satisfaction, Tobi spat on him and told him – and I quote – “I didn’t beat you because you see me as gay or just now called me semi-dude. That’s your right as an abominably stupid person. I beat you because you touched me. That’s an attempt to transfer your stupidity to me. I will not have that.”

Remember how I told you Tobi was always so quiet and invisible? Well, now it’s his roommate who is the new quiet and invisible. Since then, nobody had ever openly tried to call me gay, let alone Tobi.

And so, brethren, I have been wearing short, tight boxers anytime I notice Tobi is home. I want him to cum and give me some of those Hercules genes. I can’t fight or attempt what he did, but at least, he and I can give birth to children who will fight for me.

This is the reason why I shake my head at the homophobes who like to talk nonsense like “If you are a homosexual, don’t let me see you in real life.” That table they are shaking, there is very likely a Macho Mary on top. You never know what’s behind a person’s mild character until you push the buttons that’ll get them to reveal themselves to you.

Written by Nonso Chukwu