The Sad Truth About Biphobia
Written by Amy Andre and originally published on huffingtonpost.com
I was very honored and excited to get an email Wednesday morning inviting me to speak on a panel on HuffPost Live, for a segment about bisexuality and biphobia. The event took place Wednesday afternoon. My fellow panelists are all bisexual (except for possibly one gentleman, who, if not bi himself, is definitely an ally to our community). Our moderator? Well, I don’t know how he identifies, but he did play “devil’s advocate” during the panel, bringing up the fact that a co-worker of his, a gay man, told him that he thinks bisexuality doesn’t exist.
This was later amended to something along the lines of “bisexuality exists, but only as a phase.” Here’s the thing about the phase myth: For many gays and lesbians, heterosexuality was a phase. Does that mean heterosexuality is always a phase, that people who say they’re heterosexual are lying, or clueless about the contents of their own hearts? No, of course not. And no one goes around saying that about heterosexuality. But they do say it about bisexuality. And I think the reason most of them who say that say it is not because they actually think it but because it’s a convenient way to express biphobia.
But let’s get back to the “bisexuals don’t exist” thing, which is a line of B.S. that every bisexual I’ve ever met has heard at least once, if not dozens of times. Whenever I hear that crap, I throw out stats like this: Studies show that 50 percent of people who identify as gay, lesbian or bi identify as bi. Therefore, in the U.S. alone, there are millions of bisexuals, which means we exist. Or I point to the fact that I’m bisexual, and, as I mentioned on HuffPost Live, I’m not a hologram. I exist, which means we exist.
But what I didn’t say on HuffPost Live, and what I should have said, and what I wished had said, was this:
Why wouldn’t we exist?
Here’s the sad truth about biphobia: Biphobia is sad. It’s sad to think that there are people out there who don’t believe that love is possible unless it is in these very narrow confines related to gender. It’s sad that these people are walking around with such a dim view of the potential of the human heart. It’s sad that they would rather convince themselves that others are lying than admit that there may be ways to love other than the way they love. It’s sad that they would be so devoted to the primacy of gender as a determining factor of love, of all things, that they would deny the existence of the identity of millions of people.
Of course, there is an arrogance to this kind of biphobia, and it’s infuriating. I am more than happy to pathologize biphobes. I think biphobia should be in the DSM, because I think it is a mental illness. Homophobia is, too, of course. But here’s how they’re different: Homophobia typically says, “The way you love is not equal to the way I love,” but biphobia says, “You don’t love. I don’t/can’t/won’t believe in the possibility of the way you love.”
That’s sick.
And sad.
Now let’s say for the sake of argument that someone says that bisexuals don’t exist not because bisexuality is not possible (after all, many things are possible, and many people acknowledge that) but because they’ve never met one? Well, there are many types of people in the world whom I’ve never met. That doesn’t mean they don’t exist.
And remember the stats about bisexuals accounting for half of the LGB pie? That means that many bisexuals exist, obviously, but that we’ve all met bisexuals — just as we’ve all met gays and lesbians — even if we didn’t know that’s who we were meeting at the time. I don’t know too many bisexuals (or gays, or lesbians, or even heterosexuals) who walk around with their identity written on their sleeves.
(Note to self: Cool T-shirt idea!)
What I’m saying is that it’s possible that not all biphobes are sad, sad, people, but it’s not improbable that they are. And that sadness — mixed with arrogance and illness though it seems to be — appears to come from a confusion about the nature of the human heart. I hope they find love in their hearts to understand that just as the heart has more than one chamber, there is more than one way to love: within gendered parameters, and outside of them.
In the meantime, my bisexual and bi ally readers, let’s spend this Pride season celebrating our capacities and proclivities! And on this week, a week so full of LGB pride, thanks to the Supremes, let’s remember the words of those other Supremes, when they sang, “I don’t care what they say. I won’t stay in a world without love.”
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74 Comments
DI-NAVY
July 05, 06:22Hiah!¡!!!!!
Homophobia is too much to bear let alone biphobia. There are homosexuals,bisexuals and heterosexuals from what I can understand . Live and let live mbok. Everybody musn’t be in the same bus with you. Variety is the spice of life.
Dennis Macaulay
July 05, 06:33Here’s the sad truth about biphobia: Biphobia is sad. It’s sad to think that there are people out there who don’t believe that love is possible unless it is in these very narrow confines related to gender. It’s sad that these people are walking around with such a dim view of the potential of the human heart.
????
KingBey
July 05, 06:38Funny how this Writer kept removing the T from LGBT. Na so she hate Transsexual reach?
Pink Panther
July 05, 06:41Come on, KingBey.
ambivalentone
July 05, 08:50Bwahahahahaha
Wiffey
July 05, 08:55Bisexuals DON’T Exist.
Sexuality is a person’s ability to be attracted to the opposite sex or the same sex at a TIME… Madam BIsexual how can you be attracted to a man an a woman in the same moment biko???
Truth is at the time you are attracted to the same sex, you are homosexual and when you are attracted to the opposite sex you are heterosexual. Abi will you marry a man and a woman at the same time? Or will you f*ck them simultaneously ?
I don’t think I’ve ever heard “oh it’s a bisexual wedding”
Stop giving it a name, an stop acting like the world is against you. Good for you who can switch to fit in, let’s leave it at that.
Well this is where I come out
My name is wiffey an I am BIPHOBIC?
DI-NAVY
July 05, 09:04hahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahaha. easy naaaaa. you almost ripped off her spine.
ambivalentone
July 05, 10:01Whoa!!!! O. K!!! Couldn’t u av like…glossed it a bit? But threesomes dey na. The bisexual fucking the lady while he is rammed from behind. Definitely not my thing, but a friend was giving me gist other day.
IBK
July 05, 11:06You’ve obviously never heard of threesomes and your self invented definition of sexuality is quite wrong..
The lengths people will go to explain their prejudice though..
Canis VY Majoris
July 05, 09:15Bisexuality is just not fair. Enjoying best of both worlds simultaneously, why won’t we hate you. Greedy cows!.
Dennis Macaulay
July 05, 09:23??? Why so angry?
Colossus
July 05, 09:31☕☕☕☕
Mike Daemon
July 05, 10:19I agree completely, even though i try to keep my personal sentiments aside, i do not very much fancy bisexuals. HATE is a strong word to use here. In fact i will use IRRITATE.
Colossus
July 05, 12:23How exactly do they irritate you?
Harry
July 07, 18:38As someone who parades himself as a gay rights activist, you say the most unbelievable things!! If Bisexuals irritate you then i wonder what transexuals must do you..
SIGH.
ban
July 05, 11:07Okay am done with this blog!
IBK
July 05, 11:12I used to envy bisexuals.. They could fit in very easily if they wanted to. The envy very easily turned to dislike and mistrust. I grew out of the envy and hate when I became more comfortable with who I was and understood my sexuality and other sexualities much better.
We fear the things we don’t understand.. Fear leads to dislike, irritation, mistrust, etc. Abolish fear and love can grow. ✌
z
July 05, 18:23I still envy bisexuals though, their ability to naturally want and enjoy both sexes. Almost feels like they got the best deal out of this sexuality business.
Sensei
July 05, 12:02when we say that bisexuals should “make up their minds”, we imply that one’s sexuality is a conscious choice. and i find that perspective quite interesting…
Mike Daemon
July 05, 12:43I find it really disturbing to come to an understanding that people will hurt other people’s feelings by being unfaithful to them. Placing their basis on the fact that their sexual orientation just wont let them.
Faithful here means the difficulty in committing to a monogamous meaningful relationship.
Bisexuals are the ones that will prefer to marry people of the opposite sex, and then continue to have sexual relations with people of the same gender outside their union.
To a large number of bisexuals homosexuality is a joke, and they engage in it just for fun (sex)
Bisexuals go about spreading diseases, and lying to their partners who sometimes later find out that they are bi. Bisexuals are confused.
Am sorry to say this, but a large number of bisexuals are cheats by nature. They are often very unserious. Take this for example. A bisexual man who is both top and bottom, and still seeks for sexual pleasure with women. Now that’s nasty. Tell me how can i interact with those kinds if people?
Professionally i can relate with these people, and do whatever that’s NEEDED.
Some may argue here that i am exaggerating or maybe generalizing or that i am just being stereotypical. But i have seen these things occur so many times to come to these conclusions.
sensei
July 05, 13:30Makes perfect sense, since…
1. Exclusively gay men in nigeria don’t cheat on their partners
2. Exclusively gay men in nigeria do not marry members of the opposite sex and then continue sleeping with men
3. Exclusively gay men don’t spread diseases
And the statement “bisexuals are cheats by nature” is obviously not a generalization. But quick question, if bisexuality is truly a sexual orientation, and bisexuals are who they are because they were wired that way, does it also mean whatever wiring made them bisexual also makes them generally confused and cheats by nature? I would like to be enlightened. In other words, genetically wired to be cheats and confused too.
Dennis Macaulay
July 05, 13:48I’m horrified that someone who runs an LGBT website will have this narrow minded perspective on Bisexuals.
It’s shocking!
IBK
July 05, 14:18Shame shame shame shame
Cover your face in shame Mike from all the bullshit you just spewed all over this post
And you’re apparently fighting for equal rights and stopping homophobia *wretches*
I’d normally be more patient and try to bring about some understanding on the issue but I think someone like you should have developed some higher form of thinking. Blergh.
Dennis Macaulay
July 05, 14:30I’m shocked by his position! Its a huge let down
z
July 05, 18:30First gay men also get married to women an cheat on their partners.
And that you’ve met a lot of asshole bisexuals doesn’t negate it as a genuine sexual orientation
Delle
July 05, 13:06*picks tooth*
This post is clearly written for the folks abroad because in Nigeria here, it’s a different ball game. All of these written above, it’s just paste and watery sauce.
Firstly, I want to state that I definitely acknowledge the presence of bisexuals so I won’t delve into their existing or not. But one thing I’m not sure of is if the bisexuals in this part of the world are capable of love and loving, staying true to one partner at a time.
Many a time, these bisexuals hide under the cloak of their heterosexual sides, giving their nocturnal existence to their homosexual part. It’s so deeply seated amongst them in this society that even the gay guys who ‘unfortunately’ happen to be in a relationship with them are so contented being their ‘side chicks’.
Crap.
They hardly, hardly ever acknowledge their gay sides and when they do, there’s always a lady who occupies a bigger chunk of their heart. Now that’s fact and it’s bullshit.
The “after all, I would still get married to a woman” talk seems to be rampant amongst this sect and that’s why I categorically say they are incapable of monogamous homosexual love and ardent affection.
How many bisexuals end up marrying the same sex? How many even after ‘betraying’ their same sex partners by running into the arms of the opposite sex stay true to their marriages? Cheating is a second tag.
My past experiences with them haven’t been sweetly memorable. Bisexuals, Nigerian Bisexual Guys, are not loyal! Period.
Dennis Macaulay
July 05, 13:49Are you always this simple minded, or just making an effort today?
Delle
July 05, 15:19Apparently, you haven’t got the memo yet, DM. Sigh.
Dennis Macaulay
July 05, 15:31Next time dear, think very well before typing anything.
Delle
July 05, 20:05Seeing as that has never been your strong point, I’d advice you shove all that gibberish up your scrawny hole.
IBK
July 05, 14:25You hung out with the wrong set of people and then tag them all the same.. The dangers of a single story.
Just Pele.
Delle
July 05, 15:21You know not what u speak of, IBK. You have no idea.
sensei
July 05, 13:34As a bisexual man, I can boldly say I have never cheated on any of my partners in any of my past relationships. Not even once. I wonder how many of you biphobic, exclusively gay men, can beat your chest and say the same. Biko, I’m outta here…Have fun, y’all…
Dennis Macaulay
July 05, 13:51I’m shocked and disgusted! Gay men always amuse me. On one hand they scream about discrimination from society, then they go ahead and do the same thing to Lesbians, Bisexuals and Trans people.
All of you who share this perspective should hide your face in shame!
Tueh
Mr. Fingers
July 05, 14:04And that my dear is why I tell my gay friends most times we need to cut the homophobes some slack. They are only being humans, if the roles where changed most gay people I know would do worst than them.
Dennis Macaulay
July 05, 14:06These people are Nigerian men first before being gay. This is how we are as a people. You have to work hard at discarding inherent bias
Delle
July 05, 15:30”
As a bisexual man, I can boldly say I have never cheated on
any of my partners in any of my past relationships.”
How does this alter the fact that countless others like you do cheat? Or are we to use your case as a point of reference now? Not everything should be idly justified biko. You are an exception doesn’t mean there aren’t bad eggs.
Pink Panther
July 05, 16:31Delle, sometimes…just sometimes I want to really say some things to you. And then I shake my head and move on.
Chizzie
July 05, 18:08So are you telling me when you get married, which you will eventually do seeing as you are Nigerian. You will remain exclusive to your spouse and won’t cheat on her with another man? While still claiming you love her?
You obviously won’t.
Now if you can’t honor an institution as sacred as marriage, how are we supposed to take your word for it, that you have never cheated?
Of which I believe that’s a lie, as bisexuals have finessed the art of lying through their teeth. How else will they explain to their gfs that Tunde is just a platonic friend who likes to call very often.
As a bisexual man, Lying and cheating comes with the territory please. Cause no girl would want to date or even sleep with a man who she’s aware that is bi. Just acknowledge it and deal with it please. ?
Delle
July 05, 20:08Bless your jolly heart, Chizzie.
Pink Panther
July 05, 21:00‘You obviously won’t.’
What’s obvious about his faithfulness – or unfaithfulness – to his spouse? Has he given you any cause to doubt him? Do you even know him? Or is this another uninformed opinion based on the prejudice against MGM/MBM?
The thing I resent about highfalutin comments like this is this nauseating generalization made out of personal experiences. You think you’ve had bad eggs and therefore the world must be full of bad eggs. People throwing about and enforcing blanket opinions on others who they know NOTHING about. It’s a wah. It’s a wah indeed.
Chizzie
July 05, 23:18Assuming that my opinion is from personal experience, isn’t that a “nauseating generalisation too” ? ?.
This is reality… Bisexual men will always cheat on their wives or girlfriends with other men. Because they find men sexually attractive. This attraction doesn’t go away after they get married or what not.
Someone (Hello Pete) who is engaged here to woman, has further validated my stance on bisexual men, when he said he’ll continue to enjoy the best of both worlds. Isn’t his would be wife’s vagina enough for him?. I mean abeg abeg abeg
So let’s call it a day, and just call it what it is.
z
July 06, 15:28Straight men also cheat because they find other women attractive and think their wives vaginas aren’t enough for them. Whether you cheat with a man or a woman it’s still cheating. Don’t make cheating just a bisexual thing.
Mr. Fingers
July 05, 13:59“Bisexuals go about spreading diseases…”.
Nna ehn. The things they type here at times. Smh.
Dennis Macaulay
July 05, 14:05Some people are very stupid, that its shocking
Harry
July 07, 18:47Gay righrs actitards everywhere..
Sasha
July 05, 14:14I’m here for the comments ☺
pete
July 05, 14:53I would have loved to say I’m surprised but I’m not.the ignorance in most of the comments is mind boggling that it requires no rebuttal. Keep up with the hate while bisexuals live their lives & enjoy best of both worlds
Chizzie
July 05, 18:11Yes continue to do what you lot do best which is spread STDs and give your girlfriends and spouses yeast infections
Chuck
July 05, 15:55I think we need to be clear that cheating and bisexuality do not have a causal relationship.
There are people of all sexualities who are addicted to lying, cheating and manipulating others. it’s stupid to say bisexuality is the cause. If a bisexual cheat was straight he or she would be cheating too.
Pink Panther
July 05, 16:30This!
Can someone please take this comment to Delle and Mike Daemon?
Delle
July 05, 20:10Oh please! Mike and I have different stance on this. You’re trying so hard to justify what’s so boldly written. NIGERIAN bisexual guys can never remain faithful in GAY relationships. Take it hunnay, or sashay away.
Pink Panther
July 05, 20:55“NIGERIAN bisexual guys can never remain faithful in GAY relationships.”
You generalization is very nauseating. Tell me again how many relationships you’ve had with bisexuals. Actually, scratch that. Tell me how many relationships you know of where the bisexual partner was unfaithful.
So before you tell me to take something, please be sure you’re offering it from a place of well-informed knowledge. Cos I have a allergy for half-baked opinions.
Delle
July 06, 13:57Isn’t it just hilarious how you pin yourself down on just what I think, conveniently eliminating the fact that others like Chizzie are of similar opinion? Smh
Well PP, I’ve been with bisexual guys and I really do not know what it is that seems so difficult for you to wrap your head around, but Nigerian (breath on my specification here) bisexual guys are all cheats, inadvertently or otherwise.
Delle
July 06, 14:15PP, I’ve always known you to be the sentimental one. Why can’t you just see things for what they are without wanting to please God knows who? I’m actually allergic to unwarranted sentiments and shallow-mindedness. Call it generalisation, but it’s fact that Nigerian bisexual guys cheat. How could you even ask how many bisexual guys in relationships are unfaithful? That’s like asking if humans take in oxygen. Many friends of mine who have had one or two experiences with bisexuals can attest to that fact, so what are you saying?
The two guys I’ve ever loved, same. They would always want the lady folk despite your presence as a guy! Take it or leave it!
Pink Panther
July 07, 04:52Whatever you say abeg.
Handle
July 05, 16:05Sometimes I wonder about the kind of people that visit and comment here. I can’t really differentiate if you guys are grown-ups or just kids pretending to be one. Maybe you lack experience or just chose to be blind to it.
The true conflict of all this discussions like those before it: Is being bisexual a choice or an in-born trait? No point trying to answer this question here.
All I can say, I remember when homophobes used to justify their hatred and prejudice by coming up with the term “gay lifestyle”, equating sexual orientation with being a sexual deviant(which in itself isn’t a bad thing).
Delle
July 05, 20:21I’m not against bisexuals. Truth be told, I used to have an exclusive love for (crush on) them. Being able to juggle both sides of the world and enjoy it too, really enviable.
Then came the aspect of not being monogamous. I haven’t seen that faithful bisexual man. I don’t detest the sexuality, I just don’t like the personality most of them portray. Cheating seems to be a second nature. Call me flimsy, call me silly…this is what I stick to. Until I meet that bisexual guy who embraces his gay side especially and doesn’t just see it as an ‘added advantage’, this is my stance.
OAN, it’s exclusively for the Nigerians (Africans). Those abroad seem to have better grasp of what it means to be bisexual.
Pink Panther
July 05, 21:01‘Call me flimsy, call me silly…’
Okay.
Mandy
July 05, 21:15Lmao. Oh Pinky
Tiercel de Claron
July 06, 00:34He’s always been flimsy and silly.Ignorant too,and proudly so.
I wonder that you waste time on him
Delle
July 06, 13:54You’ve always been irritating and disgusting to me. I don’t know why you think what you say matters. You make me want regurgitate my innards
Chizzie
July 05, 17:53The funny thing is, the opposite applies here. Over here if you are exclusively gay, it’s considered a phase… Because after all you will have to get married and become Bisexual. And the awon Bisexuals look down at those who are gay, advising you to get a girl friend. Reminding you that you that this is Nigeria and you have to get married to a woman.
Which is what irritates me about Bisexual guys, they consider themselves lucky because they feel thier sexuality works best in this environment. And maybe it does, but don’t try to impose your bisexuality on gays please.
I don’t think Bisexuals are the victims especially as far as this part of the world is concerned. So naah. Not buying this…
Regal Sweetheart
July 05, 18:36My gawd! I’m shocked.
Analogy: I, for one, am adversely reactive to okra. When I take it, I have stomach upset for three days straight. I have a friend who is allergic to pineapples. He bursts out into rashes. Yet, another friend who’s sensitive to seafood. So would I say because I can’t eat okra and they can, that they’re evil and are gluttonous? Am I a bad person for being able to eat pineapples and my friend can’t? We shout and clamour for acceptance among the heterosexual communitycommunity, yet we can’t accept the B in LGBT…
It’s shocking!
Mr. Fingers
July 05, 20:57Lol. Just so u know most gay people think the B in LGBT stands for Bottom. Like someone said,bisexuals dont exist.
geeluv
July 05, 21:05I think there’s a movie by nollywood where Tonto Dike’s father was making love with her and her boyfriend at the same time….. clear evidence of the existence of BISEXUALITY…. it happens!!!
Mandy
July 05, 21:13I think the problem from where all this prejudice against bisexuals is coming from is the same one that homophobes have against us. Sex. Most of the BS I’m reading here seems informed by people too guided by the sexual nature of bisexuality as opposed to it being the nature of a people.
Sometimes when gay men on Kito Diaries say stuff, I just want to tell them to consider how very alike they sound with homophobes. This is disappointing.
bryannnn
July 06, 00:35Miracles happen here honestly!!!!!…….I see a group of ppl, actually: a clannish community of ppl with lexicographical expertise, who end up throwing gabbage and using straw to lift them………
Which right thinking gay man dares to be Biphobic????? I personally have my resentments for lesbians, but I do not voice it out….I always caution myself not to stray and that is what this community must start to learn….we demand tolerance from straights but turn back to segregate bisexuals….That doesn’t make sense at all…….All sexually active people (straights, gay, bisexuals, transgender) are prone to sexually transmitted infections, if safe practices is neglected…..
@ Dr Francis, pls try and educate the house on the dangers of the practising Anilingus (RIMMING)…..it’s a threat to an outbreak of intestinal parasitic infections….. (Giardiasis, Amoebiasis )….
Orobohunter
July 06, 14:24“Bisexual men will always cheat on their wives or girlfriends with other men. Because they find men sexually attractive..” A right thinking individual made this statement?
For all those that think cheating is in the DNA of Bisexuals, ur mentality is just watery. Remember that everyman doesn’t think with his dick. Some of us have brains and use it to control ourselves.
Finding a man attractive is one thing, cheating is another.. Why is common sense so scarce???????
Pink Panther
July 07, 04:54As in eh, Orobohunter. Some people make some comments and you wonder at how damaged they are.
Orobohunter
July 06, 14:34Cheating is a choice. Lying is a choice. Being unfaithful is a choice. IOW bisexual’s are not capable of making choices. We cannot choose. We must cheat and we must lie, period. That’s how we were born abi?
Chizzie
July 06, 15:31So if you have a gf .. Can you categorically say you won’t sleep with a man while still dating her? Regardless of how long the relationship lingers? Or do you not consider that cheating because it’s a different sex?.
You lot ar so full of lies that you can’t even tell the truth to yourselves.
Please take a walk. ??
Mike Daemon
July 08, 16:59I take back my comments here, apologies to all bisexuals. I was wrong. My comments could promote hate.
I think we should start seeing all people as people. Lets keep supporting each other.
Ólay
September 19, 13:00I had never seen this side of the blog since I found it earlier this year. I wonder what bisexual people felt like going through the comment section. the deep hate and generalization from just a few personal encounters is very disheartening. we scream homophobia when straight people use stereotypes against us or make generalizations from a few experiences too, imagine what a bisexual person feels like reading all these forms of hate from people of their own community. saying cheating and lying is second nature to them……i’m sure most of you people here screaming “cheaters” have had more cheating and lying gay partners, but you want to stick this label on bisexuals because you’re not one of them so it’s easier to generalize!. Akin and Peter left you for a girl doesn’t mean we don’t have a faithful John out there. the same way some bisexuals in Nigeria eventually get married to women and then cheat is the same way some gay men do too! “cheating and lying” has Nothing! to do with sexualities every sexuality has cheaters and liars!