The Wish I Got For Christmas
So on the Third of November 2014, I finally tested positive.
I say ‘finally’ because since the first time I was tested as an HIV awareness advocate in my service year two years ago, I had always wondered and had been morbidly fascinated by what it’d be like having the virus. I had also always wanted to make friends with the HIV+ guys. Alas, they always ignored me. As I’ve always said; the point to empathy is being in the shoes actually. I have gotten my wish. The only regret I have about this situation is some ignoramus somewhere being quick to judge upon hearing I’m gay. Hell, some on here will be fast in calling me a “bloody arse whore”. Oh well…
As my doctor friend broke the news to me, my mind ran through all the partners I’ve had. Past and present. My last partner, who I stupidly trusted, evidently wasn’t trustworthy. I have asked him to go get tested as well, and I sincerely hope he turns out negative. I’ll know then that I have the barber to blame for this. I probably will be more confident in telling people I’m positive and quick to shut their yapping traps if they dare blame the shii on my being gay. However, if na positive…*bites forefinger*
Still, I am in denial. I still pray now – as I plan to see another doctor soon – that the strips from the last test were faulty and that there was a mistake with the test kit. Just as there was a mistake when my blood grouping and genotype was being determined.
In all, I don’t want to be alone. I could die. Years of wishing and imagining I had HIV probably has prepared me for this eventuality, but it is still disheartening to know I couldn’t wheedle a promise out of my doctor friend to not desert me when I need to do my funnies or just be a bitch generally. I know he has his own life to live and all that, and could be thinking, But I didn’t send you message to have bareback sex na. But it would have been comforting to know he has my back.
I wonder why I’m still so calm about this. I have no one to blame. Never was one to push my responsibility on anyone anyway, but I should be throwing tantrums, crying fits and blaming boyfriend, society…somebody. Oh well…
My advice at this point would have been, “Live responsibly”. But when you have lived responsibly like I had nko? And trusted my lover of many months and romps?
Ndi KD, go with God.
Written by Paradox
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67 Comments
Handsomely Inclined
December 05, 05:03Now,why do I feel very comfortable to be single,,,,,,,,I am so very scared of sex eh….,hence my status…
Nice one..live responsible and take caution in one does…
Max
December 05, 05:37Honey, never trust your lover… NEVER!!!!!.
Unless you guys are married and regularly get tested together.. Don’t ever bareback.(wouldn’t wanna put my shlong bare in an ass anyway)…
It doesn’t mean they’re unfauthful… They might have had some sh*t in the past before ya’ll started dating.. Or maybe he might have gotten it from another source which isn’t sex(who am I kidding?)..lol..
Bikonu N30 will save you a whole lot of headache and heart attack.. Don’t bareback oh!!!!… You don’t know how many things have been down there..
There’s also std’s, annoying and discomforting UTI’s etc… So just save yourself the trouble and wear something while @ it..
Anyway, I think its very courageous to talk about your status on a blog. Not many people can do it.. I think it sends a powerful message to all +ve people out there.
Masked Man
December 05, 05:51Max, the #30 is for what?
Condoms have become so cheap?
Max
December 05, 06:02Oh yeah… They’re that cheap… But I doubt anyone buys just one..
Ummmmm since you don’t know the street price, when last did you have sex?? .. #justAskingForAfriend?
Kryss S
December 05, 06:11Haven’t you seen Gold circle ad everywhere? It is for d poor masses like us oh nd 4 #30, it might save u a life of heartache!
As for the writer, am so so sorry 4 what happened! This is what u get 4 trusting, so sad! I hope u get through dis phase.
Trust no one! Not even urself! U may claim u trust someone but you don’t follow them everywhere nd they may fall prey to temptation even if they r good! Trust should only b for God nd no one else. Even if you choose to trust, trust with your head not ur heart. Do the needful!
JustJames
December 05, 06:06The calm before the storm.
You’ll be fine.
Dennis Macauley
December 05, 06:26You will be fine my dear, a lot of progress has been made. Try and join a support group where you can be real and share your feelings with people who understand.
For the rest of us, Never ever bareback even if you are in a committed relationship! Things slip up, people go on business trips, have too much tequila and shag the boy from the hotel laundry without a condom and still come home to you. Except you get tested regularly as Max said.
Also let me clear a misconception that a lot of people in Nigeria have. Gold circle condoms are not “cheap”! They are subsidized by society for family health. The landing cost of a pack is actually around 300 naira, but Society for Family health ensures it is sold for 20 naira and pays the balance, so that nobody can give an excuse of cost as being the reason they don’t use condoms.
So gold circle is perfectly fine and safe for use and not inferior to the the other brands in the market! They also subsidize a particular brand of Lubricant called Lubrica which retails for around 80 naira
Khaleesi
December 05, 14:23Thanks so much Dennis, i just learned something new – I’d always wondered why gokd circle cost much less and whether it was an inferior brand… thanks so much for this valuable piece if info … ***rushes to the pharmacy to buy 10 packs of gold circle for the price if 1 pack of durex**** woo hoo!!
KingBey
December 05, 23:06Which Pharmacy are you getting your products? Because I know Gold Circle retails for 50 Naira a pack and Lubrica between 250 to 350 Naira. Biko nyem directions to this your Pharmacy.
JArch
December 05, 06:36“….I had always wondered and had been morbidly fascinated by what it’d be like
having the virus. I had also always wanted to make friends with the HIV+ guys….”
Based on the above, what you exhibited is a classic case of Bug Chasing (en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bugchasing)
But alas the end isn’t what you had expected. Atleast you were calm about it and did not blame others for what happened.
All in all its a nice read with a subtle educative/explosive moral lesson.
shuga chocolata
December 05, 06:37Why do I feel I need to meet you @ paradox, a very good friend of mine was detected early this year and he is living his life. He is better now health wise with his medications. I was so happy for him because in all his numerous friends he choose only me to tell this secret, we once dated like 2years back but I had to leave him because of his unfaithfulness, people thought I was his younger brother even @ his shop people shows me love more than his recent partner.
@ paradox if you care to have a friend here send pinky an email and will follow suit. Think its high time I write my own HIV/AIDS stories I know a few but would need their permission to do so.
pinkpanthertb
December 05, 07:50Please do. We need these stories told to desensitize the horror of HIV
Masked Man
December 05, 06:40I’ve never bought Gold circle, so no surprise I don’t know it’s as cheap as N30. Another brand I prefer. *Smiles*
FKA Chizzie
December 05, 07:12Each time I read abt HIV related issues here…my heart sinks, a part of me keeps telling me to go get tested again that I might just be positive. it doesn’t make much sense, as the last time I was tested months after I had bareback,I was negative ( i havent had bareback sex since then) Still there’s this evil mocking voice in my head that tells me I’ve got the virus; I think its just a fear every gay man has. its almost like contacting HIV becomes an eventuality. it also doesn’t help that the majority of the guys u meet here r bisexual, il always blame bisexuals for the spread of STDs amongst the populace…
Anyways to the author, you’ll be fine 🙂
Ace
December 05, 07:47Chizzie just pulled thought from my head. Anytime i fall sick, the first thing i go check is my HIV status even when i haven’t gone down with anyone in a long while. A voice would tell me “maybe you were in your window period”. Abeg, person window period fit reach one year ? Cos that is how long it has been with me and what are the physical signs of the virus? I am the most paranoid person in the world, such talks about HIV makes me “Kuja” (fear in igbo).
pinkpanthertb
December 05, 07:59You’re not alone. One time a couple of years ago, i was at the barbershop. And i saw that my hairline had receded a bit. I went into panic mode. I didn’t blame my genes. Oh no. I went straight to: Could this be a symptom of HIV?
FKA Chizzie
December 05, 08:41loool @ Kuja
Metrosexual
December 05, 07:25I was just wondering….. ‘Why would you wish to be HIV+’… Can someone help me loose this knot… #bbmconfusedsmiley
Mrs Macaulay
December 05, 08:15Is it just me or the cold hearted bi**h becoming nicer?
Jesus must be coming veeeery soon!
Max
December 05, 11:24Lmfao @Mrs Mc…. I could see everywhere getting darker.. Maybe its about to rain.. Everyone go get ur umbrellas..
Handsomely Inclined
December 05, 08:59Please what is *bareback*?
What is gold circle again?
Ace……e be like say you don come over take your presido…..you mean its been over a year you had your last shagg?
Considering that we both planned to remain”neat”……
You too fast…
So tey I have been *virgin ndi a nso”
Please I want to get my sheets stained,who. Wants to help an innocent bruc…..
Ace
December 05, 12:26I am still on point oga Handome Inclined. But remember that oral sex and other “washing and setting” methods still puts one at risk of HIV. So, it is better to be safe nevertheless.
victor
December 05, 09:35Its been close to three years I had sex but I still wonder if I might be positive,I just get scared whenever I hear stories of hiv but I dnt have any of its symptoms and I have not even fallen sick since then. Maybe someday I will get the courage to take the test cos the last time I went for the test,I ran away leaving the result,hahaahhahaah
pinkpanthertb
December 05, 10:31Three years since you last had sex?!
Dear Gawd!
trystham
December 05, 10:47Looool. Sumbori likes sex a lot o. This man either has ice in his veins or has bruised his D with vigourous wanking. How u dey do am abeg?
pinkpanthertb
December 05, 10:50Mbok Trystham i had to ask o. Three years of not shagging another human in this prime of life?! *shudder*
KingBey
December 05, 23:12Lmao ! 3 years? Hmmmm….am seriously wondering if I can make it in 3weeks without sex….Hian !
kritzmoritz
December 05, 09:51Somehow, you have found humour in the midst of your tragedy and seem to have steel for veins, which will serve you well in your journey. You will be well without a doubt.
paradox
December 05, 10:39hmmm
paradox
December 05, 10:42I’m sorry pinkie. It was the 3rd of Dec. I got tested again yesterday and nope, Its not the barber’s fault. So I’m all up and about trying to get the pills ASAP before the CD4 count drops even further.
@JustJames I hope you are around when the shit hits the fan. You might get some in the face :p
@Jarch I’m sorry, do you have this compulsion to go ‘wiki’ with almost everything? I have noticed that. I also wonder what wikipedia would say about that.
Just so you know, I didn’t wish gono, warts and the other common but temporal STIs on myself. Why HIV? Maybe your wiki needs a different definition for me
@Chizzie Your comment has touched me most. Maybe because its least expected.
@Metro Its just one of those things that makes me me I think. While on phone with my partner last night, my voice was all raised in drama but even I knew my anger at him was all feigned. I was only VERY disappointed.
FKA Chizzie
December 05, 11:55least expected…? ok dt surprisingly hurt. I’m not a mean person. I’m really nice when its deserved. And i’ll never talk mean when its HIV related. Haba u guys should cut me some slack .
Dennis Macauley
December 05, 12:24*sips coffee*
Chestnut! Care to join?
Ace
December 05, 12:33Trust me chizzie, you have turn down your “I am a claw wielding bitch” mode down a notch (or two), the chizzie we been know before eh! He will talk and find fault about even the most important things. Should we be thanking a guy’s D for dicking you well? You know that thing they say about good sex and it’s power to make the meanest boy happy.
Dennis Macauley
December 05, 12:40Nothing like a good dick to make a ***** nicer
#JustSaying
Handsomely Inclined
December 05, 12:44@Pinky and the rest of our brothers,why are you guys surprised at “last shagg being three years ago”?haba..some of us haven’t even had sex from both sexes all their lives….
Let me not even go far sef,what can you say about me,in my 28 years in this planet earth,I have not had sex….na bad thing com be that….not even the *almighty wanking* sef…i haven’t,and I no va die…,there are people like that who can stay that long even after a long while of shagging
pinkpanthertb
December 05, 13:15You’ve not had sex or wanked in your 28 years on earth.
Is that the summary of the ludicrous story you’re selling?
Dennis Macauley
December 05, 13:47***ROTFL***
Pink panther you are so precious
LOL
KingBey
December 05, 23:19Una nogo kill me for this blog oooooo…..your 28 and you have not had sex or wanked? Why do I find it so hard to believe you? TB guys eeeeeee…..diarriss God Oooo
trystham
December 05, 14:21but u watch porn?
Kryss S
December 05, 13:48Lmaoooooooooo! Pinky! E nwere ajo onu! Ludicrous stories okwai ya? It is very possible shaa!
pinkpanthertb
December 05, 14:28A gay 28-year old male virgin? I don’t think so.
victor
December 05, 14:13Yeah I stayed away from sex for so many reasons,I stayed three years bfor that shag and its almost 3years again, I do hear my friends gossip too like ‘who is victor shagging?’ But please I’m not asexual,I get horny like everyday hence the wanking
pinkpanthertb
December 05, 14:27Oh you wank. Phew! Someone’s red-blooded at least.
Handsomely Inclined
December 05, 14:28Lol @pinky…please need I repeat myself again….yes I have not had sex….and yes I watch adult movies..,,guess its too weird to be true…well,that is just it…i have never wanked na….why is too difficult to accept,I am not going to say more on this.and I am not going to make any believe me,that is just it….but please there are people out there who are like me out there….i could remember my close friends telling me if I don’t get myself disvirgined,I will have psychological problems….i am yet to know what they are saying is true….
pinkpanthertb
December 05, 14:32So you. Have. Never. Released. Semen?!
Ever.
In your life.
At all.
You’ve never known the satisfaction of release (and please, wet dreams don’t count)
What then do you do with your hard-ons? Or don’t you get them either?
CoCo butter
December 05, 14:41First time commentary. Well, dis yung man claims he is a virgin. Please believe him. Some people suffer from psychological problems that makes them unable to have any sexual attributes. But i personally think he is an attention seeker.
FKA Chizzie
December 05, 16:10I think there’s a term for this- acting foolish to gain attention,can’t recall the exact word. But I believe u r a virgin, there’s a childish demeanor and a senselessness to ur comments …so that bit I believe. However, wrap up the theatrical antics pls and call it a day.
Kryss S
December 05, 18:03……….And that was how Chizzie Slayed him with one blow! Oya, church haff closed!
KingBey
December 05, 23:24The thing taya me. Like it’s a big deal to be a gay virgin….rotfl
KingBey
December 05, 23:22Bros, you can lie eeeeeee !
tadah
December 05, 18:06Handsomely inclined I am just like u, don’t let nobody stifle u. Can I have ur details if u don’t mind? Send to pinky
Ace
December 05, 20:37Handsome, oya you don buy market. Go have a celibacy and immaculate union. Lol.
Kryss S
December 05, 18:09I think I can relate to him. If not for boarding school nd its exposure, am very sure I would still b a virgin myself by now. Upbringing, nature of d person, environment nd kind of parents could add up *just saying*.
Andrevn
December 05, 18:51The very truths of knowing yur status shatters the tiny fibers of reality left in yu……Thanks Paradox for sharing and Pinky i think it’s time i sent in my own experience (leave me jor! @ Victor).
Handsomely Inclined
December 05, 18:53Haba….na WA oh…..it has boiled down to attention seeking….?and I felt this blog is an avenue to speak our minds no matter what,tell our stories as they are….yet it has resulted in name calling and harsh comments?I thought as *friends * we could sit at each others tables without invitations nothing would go wrong….guess I was wrong…we could at least be civil even if we can’t afford to be nice with our words,,,.so because one has done something,that gives the right to say this….can’t we disagree yet we won’t make harsh comments ?yet you would want us to be truthful and sincere with our stories yet we discourage them with the words we say….i have always been reading the posts here,its a must I do,just that I never commented not until my good friend,Ace,advised me to…now what do I get?
Anyway,people on this blog don’t really know me,that’s enough consolation for me……at least I know two people here very well that knows me also outside this blog….
#enough said #
s_sensei
December 05, 19:54@Handsomely: darling you have got to learn to live above negativity. I believe what you said about not having sex. Why? Cos I have no reason NOT TO. And even if I don’t, you have a right to express yourself and not get insulted. Please keep commenting!
Ace
December 05, 20:32Just seeing the comments. Make una free Handsome. Una never meet person, una dey crucify. Una dey give me second-hand shame nah, bad first impression considering i encouraged him to join the community. If una no believe say he never fuck, share your reservations maturedly nah. Chizzie, abeg keep your slaughter knob turned low nah, i thought you are now born again?
pinkpanthertb
December 06, 04:05Lmao. Chizzie and born again are not words that go together
s_sensei
December 05, 19:56@Paradox: I’m sorry about your status. If you need someone to talk to from time to time, I’m available. I’m so very busy now but I’ll try!
tinocompadre
December 06, 06:39Sorry and pity is a wrong way to treat a +ve person. It makes us feel like the worst has happened. Care, support and empathy are the keywords .
s_sensei
December 06, 13:27well, its not easy to comfort a person in distress. choice of words are a problem. I dont think you should focus on the words used. its the intention that counts. So i shouldnt be sorry about his status? what should i be? “unsorry”?
Handsomely Inclined
December 05, 20:47Hahaha,Ace….maybe I should invite the other two wizards to come deal with some people here,lets make it four of us,lol….what do you think?
Kryss S
December 06, 07:40Ah ah! Dis virgin Case still dey go on? Make una free Handsome biko! Everybody no go b ashewo, we go still get priests nd nuns joor. Lol!
great moi
December 06, 08:23Pinky,I need ur email,I wanna share a story
pinkpanthertb
December 06, 10:16Pantherptb@yahoo.com
Constant
December 08, 11:06Welcome to the club bro…You will just be very fine…..thank God u have prior knowledge about HIV…..Same goes for me….was a trained Peer Educator Trainer……been positive for a year and some months….CD4 still very high…..no ART yet sha….i’ma forward ma story too…..
pinkpanthertb
December 08, 11:23That will be appreciated very much. Email is pantherptb@yahoo.com