THEIR EYES HAVE SEEN GOD

I very recently re-watched one of my all-time favourite Jennifer Lopez movies called Maid in Manhattan. For those who either do not know the film or haven’t seen it, Maid in Manhattan is a 2002 romantic comedy in which a senatorial candidate (Ralph Fiennes) falls for a hotel maid (Jennifer Lopez), thinking she is a socialite when he sees her trying on the dress of a wealthy women staying in the hotel where Jennifer Lopez’s character, Marissa, works. The movie is a modern retelling of the Cinderella story, and before Marissa got her Prince Charming, she had to scrub, dust and clean a lot of hotel toilets, beds and rooms.

And as I watched this film, I couldn’t help but remember an incident that made me wonder about the housekeeping in hotels and all the things they get to witness of their guests’ stay in their rooms.

Okay, so I’m going to tell you the story of this incident.

That day, I was in Umuahia for some business. I was staying for a few days, so I lodged in a hotel for a couple of nights. My business was wrapped up on the second day, and I’d initially contemplated checking out that evening and returning to Owerri. But I wanted to be pampered by the luxurious seclusion of the hotel room one more night. So I bought an early dinner and got back to my room at about 6 PM. I shut myself in and began luxuriating in my privacy: I was naked, eating and simultaneously watching TV and going through Facebook and Instagram. When I was done eating, I suddenly felt the urge to do the number 2.

So, I went to the toilet and began doing my business. I was still seated on the toilet bowl and was still on my phone, when a WhatsApp message pinged through. It was from Mobi, a friend who I occasionally had sex with whenever I was in the East or he visited Lagos. He lives in Port Harcourt.

As we chatted, I mentioned that I was in Umuahia.

“Seriously?” he replied, seeming excited. “Jeez! Me too! Ah, where you dey?”

As I replied with the name of the hotel, I felt my own excitement uncoiling inside me. It was nice to have the solitude that one more night at the hotel was providing me; it was even better when someone whose sex I enjoy brings his dick along to spend some quality time with me.

Within moments, we had established that he’d be coming over shortly and that he would spend the night with me.

However, it wasn’t until I exited the chat that I suddenly realized where I was and what I was doing.

I was seated on a toilet bowl.

I was defecating!

I was defecating mere minutes before a dick appointment!

Panic exploded inside me, causing me to almost reenter the chat to tell Mobi not to bother coming.

Almost.

I simply couldn’t pass on the good dick that that guy serves. Mobi is a very skillful and passionate lover, who is also very well endowed. He has a dick that hardens into a fat slab of meat, with a girth that is so wide that when he digs inside you, you feel every corner of your bussy completely possessed by him. The first time we fucked and I saw his dick, I told myself that there was absolutely NO WAY I was going to let that THING inside me. But he didn’t just have a big dick; he also knew how to use it. And I found myself panting for more as he smashed my hole with his shaft. And I never looked back after that.

But that was the problem: Mobi has a big dick – and big dicks require a very, very, very well-prepared bussy if accidents are to be prevented. And I was anything but well-prepared.

Realizing this, I began a frantic emergency preparation. First, I was no longer shitting just for the sake of shitting. Oh no! I started working my anal muscles, grinding the entire length of the chute together to ensure that even the excrement in storage inside my alimentary canal was forced out. In fact, when I stood up from the toilet bowl and I felt a sensation down there that felt as though there was still some shit buried deep inside, waiting to be shat at a later time, I sat back down and strained and stressed until those few morsels of excrement dropped out.

Then I climbed into the bathtub and began to wash. Soap, the shower hose and my fingers went to work. With my sudsy fingers, I rooted around as deep as I could get inside my asshole, hosing out each fingering. The water washing down from my efforts gradually cleared from the brownish colour with the occasional fecal particles. There was one very stubborn particle that was buried inside my hole, which I could feel with my finger, but it was always dancing immediately out of reach every time I felt it. I was however determined. I dug and dug and the hosed and hosed, until I eventually got it out. Found myself staring down at the tiny brown mass with a smug sense of victory as it was swept toward the drain.

Finally, I was ready. I felt prepared for Mobi’s big dick.

Minutes later, I was letting him into my room, and he was flashing at me that shy smile of his that always drew my attention to how kissable his lips were. Only a few seconds were spent exchanging pleasantries before we were tumbling into bed, kissing, grinding and grasping. His lips were just as soft and as tender as I remembered, and we kissed each other ravenously. The thing I like most about Mobi’s lovemaking is that he never seems to be in a hurry; everything we did was prolonged and intended to maximize the pleasure before moving on to the next. So, we kissed and kissed, lips sucking on each other, tongues dueling while our hands groped at our bodies. Occasionally, I’d reach down to fondle that furious slab of meat that is his dick, grasping the fat, hard length with both reverence and fear – because, no matter how many times we’d had sex, I always felt some anxiety at the thought of that penis driving its way into my asshole.

Then he began to slide down my body, first sucking on my nipples with a lavishness that sent electric bolts shooting through my body. With each nibble and flicking of his tongue over those sensitive peaks, before wrapping the nipple with the warm wetness of his mouth, I gasped and arched my back, my chest straining upward to meet the onslaught of pleasure he was killing me softly with.

By the time he unlatched his lips from my nipple one last time and continued on his way down my torso, I was a trembling, breathless mess. But that reprieve would only last a few seconds, before another surge of sensations began coursing through me as he settled his mouth around my dick. My member disappeared in his wet mouth and I began trembling again, either grabbing at the bed sheet or the back of his head as he sucked and teased and slobbered all over my dick. It was all I could do not to shoot my cum into his mouth, so intense where the sensations crashing through me, and he seemed to sense that I was close and fighting it, because he finally let me go and then moved to the part of my body where he simply loved to focus on.

My asshole!

Mobi loves to eat ass.

The first day he discovered my ass, he rimmed me so dedicatedly and so intensely that I came just from that. I remember being shocked that first time, as jets of cum shot out from my dick onto my stomach, while my legs were still up in the air and his face was buried in my ass. I’d shakingly confessed that that had never happened to me before, and he smirked like he wasn’t surprised, with the self confidence of one who knows the magic of his oral skill.

And so, when he dove into my ass that evening, I knew I was in for a treat. His tongue dipped in and out, and then slid back and forth, lathering my hole with spit, only to get sucked clean with his pursed lips. Before my senses were overtaken by the pleasure of his rimming, I remembered how dedicated I was with preparing that ass, and I thought to myself: This! This is the reason why I needed a clean ass. So Mobi can eat me seven ways to Sunday!

After going at my ass for several minutes, first turning me onto my belly so my derriere was angled upward and he had my cheeks in his hands, and then turning me around onto my back so that my legs were splayed apart for him to continue feasting on that honeypot, he then moved up to me, to my head, and pushed his still-swollen dick into my mouth, past my lips and across my tongue. I knew that my throat was going to get stretched to its limit and get pleasured to the same extent. He cradled the back of my head with his hands and began to face-fuck me. I eagerly sucked down his dick, pushing past my gag reflex in order to give it the kind of worshipping any hard muscle deserves.

Then, he began to let out that hissing groan that I recognised as his way of expressing his readiness to put that dick inside the tighter cavity of my bussy. The next few moments were spent lathering my ass with lube and strapping a condom onto his dick. But this guy wasn’t just going to drive into my ass. Oh no.

With me on my back and my legs spread out, he went back to rimming me, moistening my asshole even further with the mixture of spit and lube. Then he straightened and shoved a fraction of his dick into my ass, then pulled out and returned to his tongue-fucking. He repeated this several times, and with each new thrust of his dick into my ass, he went in a bit deeper. And then, with one final stab, he buried himself inside me. As that fat monster pushed all the way in to its hilt, I felt the burn shoot through my entire body like a lightning bolt of pleasure. For a moment, he lay on top of me with my hands and legs clasped around him as I luxuriated in the pleasure of him inside, on top of and all around me.

Then he began to move his hips, back and forth, back and forth, just his hips, pistoning my ass with his dick while the rest of him was still wrapped around me. He held me as he fucked me, his breathing coming fast next to my ear when he wasn’t savagely kissing me. Then he straightened up and held my legs apart while he continued to fuck me.

This kept going on and on, with us changing positions from missionary to doggy to side-saddle. And then, after one position change, the smell hit me. My insides clenched with dismay the second I realized what was happening.

I had started to paint on Mobi’s dick!

However, if it were any other guy, perhaps a first time hookup, I would have felt mortification coil up inside me. But this was Mobi, and this wasn’t our first fuck. This also wasn’t the first time we’d experienced this accident. It was the third time. The first time it happened, I’d been so mortified that I’d actually pulled away from him, mid-fuck, to start apologising. He however wasn’t fazed; he kept repeatedly assuring me that it was fine. He said he didn’t mind getting painted on, and made a joke about how his dick is so big, it can mess up the cleanest ass. I allowed myself to be reassured enough to let us continue fucking, but I was so sure he wouldn’t want us to have sex again.

I was wrong. We hooked up again and again, and when it happened the second time and he was still game, I began to believe that he really wasn’t bothered by accidents such as this.

In fact, presently, as I began to perceive the smell, knowing that he had to be smelling it too, he just kept on going, grunting as he continued thrusting in and out. I had to put a hand on his waist to signal for him to stop. he broke apart from me and I sat up to face another horror.

The streaks of particulate brown all over the startling white of the bed sheet!

Jisoxkraist! 

I didn’t know I’d blurted that out, until Mobi chuckled.

“What are we going to do?” I said, aghast, as I stared at him.

His eyes brimmed with amusement. “Nothing. We’ll just remove the sheet and lie on the bed like that.”

“But… But…” I was thinking about the hotel policy posted on the door of my room, one of which was that before checkout, the hotel staff would have to first check the room to see that it is in order.

So, I would still be in this hotel while some busboy discovers my shit-stained sheets?!!! And if they ask for an explanation, what would I say?!!!

I was starting to panic, but that was quickly dispelled when Mobi moved close to me and kissed me, while his hand stroked my dick, reminding me that we still had unfinished business. I quickly chucked aside my concerns and we spent the next few minutes cleaning up and taking the bed sheet off the bed. Fortunately, the mattress had a layer of silky covering stitched over it, and we still had the bed cover. So we didn’t need to call housekeeping.

We simply climbed back onto the bed and resumed our lovemaking. The passion went aflame once again, consuming us and guiding us all the way to a mutual climax. At that point, Mobi had taken my dick in his hand as he fucked me, working it hard until he stroked a creamy geyser of cum out of me. my ejaculation seemed to push him over the edge, because after a few frantic thrusts, he crashed into his own climax, dropping in a heap on top of me and spasming as the tremors of his ejaculation wore off.

After washing up, we returned to a cuddle underneath the bed cover, lights off, the air conditioner on blast. We were gisting about the shenanigans of the BBNaija housemates which we were watching on the television. Mobi was a fan of the show and had many things to say, while I mostly listened and luxuriated in the warmth of his arms that held at bay the chill of the room.

Eventually, we drifted off to sleep. It must have been around midnight, because we were up and gisting for a really long time. I slept heavily and well, the kind of good sleep that only good sex can guarantee.

I drifted back to wakefulness at the sound of the 5:30 alarm that was set on my phone. I grabbed at the phone and shut off the alarm, all the while hoping it didn’t wake Mobi. I couldn’t believe that we were still cuddled together as we were last night. His arm was still wrapped around me with the other one burrowed somewhere underneath our bodies. His crotch cradled my ass so snugly, I could feel his flaccid dick nestled partly in between my ass cheeks.

However, as I moved slightly to get comfortable, the movement of my ass against his dick must have triggered his senses, because that dick began to rise and thicken and harden its way further in between my ass cheeks. I wondered if that meant he was awake, but judging by the uninterrupted rumble of his sonorous breathing, I could tell that he was still asleep.

Feeling a little mischievous, I wiggled my ass, and his morning wood just kept on hardening, pushing into my ass. I felt a sudden moistness in my asshole, and for a moment, I thought about sliding back onto that dick, which seemed so ready to get started on morning sex. What a nice surprise it would be for Mobi, to suddenly wake up to his dick already fully tapping into my honeypot.

But I was still too sleepy to follow through with the thought. I just wanted to lie there and not move a muscle. In fact, I was already drifting back to sleep –

When Mobi suddenly jerked awake and shoved away from me with a harsh groan!

Startled, I whirled around to see him staring downward into the bed, all the while muttering, “No, no, no…”

“What is it?” I asked, feeling faint alarm.

He mumbled something in response. He was already rising from the bed and pulling off the bed cover.

“Mobi, what’s wrong?” I asked, completely befuddled.

“I peed,” he mumbled again.

“You what?” I said, not comprehending.

“I said I peed,” he snapped defensively.

“I don’t understand.”

He turned on the light and gestured to the bed.

“I peed on the bed,” he said again.

I turned to see a wet patch on the spot where my ass had lain connected to his crotch. Even then, I could feel a warm wetness trickling down from between my ass cheeks.

“How come…” I began.

“My dick must have risen and entered your ass. And the warmness of your ass tricked my brain into thinking it was okay to release. Except that the cum I was releasing inside your ass in my dream was actually pee in real life.”

He looked so shamefaced and couldn’t meet my eyes as he talked. I was torn between feeling flattered that my ass had the power to cause this kind of accident and empathy over the embarrassment he was feeling. It all seemed so surreal, that a ball of laughter bubbled up my throat. U hastily swallowed it. Mobi was not in the mood to see the joke here; he’d think I was laughing at him.

So, I got up and went to fetch some tissue which I used to clean up the wetness on the bed. As I did, I spoke reassurances to him, telling him it was fine and making a joke about how my pussy feels so good, it could cause any self-respecting dick to mess up.

Eventually, he started seeing the humour in the situation and was laughing.

“Gosh, a shit-stained bed sheet and a pee-stained mattress… What is the hotel staffer who comes in here to clean going to think?” he said with a chuckle.

“Especially since they know two men spent the night in here,” I added, laughing.

“Hey, maybe the cleaner will be a guy, and he’ll decode what happened and want our numbers so we can all hook up later.”

We were back in a merry mood as we climbed back into a cuddle under the bed cover. Soon, the humour waned and the passion set in. we made love again, and then took our baths, dressed up and I packed my stuff. Then we went downstairs to check out.

And then, I had to stand there at the counter while the front desk waited for word from whoever they’d sent to my room to confirm that everything was in order.

Shit-stained bed sheet… Pee-stained bed… Shit-stained bed sheet… Pee-stained bed… The words whirled about in my head like a tape recording on a loop.

Then the intercom on the front desk crackled to life.

“Everything is good,” a male voice reported.

The red-lipsticked receptionist smiled at us. “Thank you so much for staying with us, sir.”

“Pleasure’s all mine,” I answered, before walking out with Mobi into the morning.

And as I watched Maid in Manhattan, I couldn’t help but wonder at all the things these hotel housekeeping staffers witness in the rooms of their guests. The instances of our private lives that we litter our hotel rooms with, which they see and file away for future gossip in the staffroom.

“You won’t believe what I saw in Room 307…”

“What did you see?”

“God! Something very nasty…”

“Abeg, gist me…”

Written by Pink Panther